Poetry in Motion

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So today is the First Day of a New Month (you can’t accuse me of never being informative on here, ‘eh?), and in my pitiful existence, this means that it is again time for my all-engrossing ritual of making and breaking New Month’s Resolutions.

Every month this ritual begins in more or less the same manner, with me being filled to the brim with those road-to-hell-pavers: good intentions.

Let me explain how this process works.

On the first of every month (and that, as we’ve already established up there, is today), I start off by waking up really, really, really early, which is usually at 1 o’clock. That would be P.M., by the way.

Unless I’m feeling really, really, really motivated – which is rare and, when it does strike, very fleeting – then I heave myself up at the crack of … *shudders*… noon.

I make my coffee and proceed to sip it in a reclining position.

This pose, I’ve found, is by far the most efficient for the solemn business of Resolution Making. It’s remarkable how easy it is to think inspiring and profound thoughts about say, exercise, when one is comfortably sprawled out on the couch.

So it is while I’m there, flat on my back, that I get all fired up in my mind about how I’m going to leap into a health routine that very day.

And before long, I can actually see myself, right there in my mind’s eye, sprinting and shedding the pounds with every painless stride that I take.

Let me tell you, it’s heartbreakingly beautiful how I run. It is completely effortless. And I’m all fitness and grace and agility and speed with not even the slightest sign of fatigue or sweat or achy joints or wiggly body parts.

And of course, I needn’t even tell you that I’m also decked out in full glamorous make-up and sporting a sleek and cooperative hairdo throughout this entire marathon-of-the-mind.

Behold, for I look like a Nike commercial.

As I fly past that slow-poke, Marion Jones, leaving her to eat my dust, I begin to hear the “Chariots of Fire” music and hordes of roaring fans chanting my name (“Run, Red, Ruuuuuun!”) and egging me on as I morph from a whale into a waif in two seconds flat, my brand new bony behind soaring across the finish line.

It’s only when my coffee is finished that I snap out of the fantasy.

And by that time, I’m exhausted. And hungry. (‘Cause it takes a lot out of you, these resolution-fantasy things, you know?)

So I then know that I have to procrastinate the exercise until after eating, because according to People Who Know about These Things, it’s very dangerous to exercise on an empty stomach. (Yes, even for swimming they – these People Who Know – have established that our mothers have been wrong all these years and that swimming on a full stomach will very logically help you to float better!) These Experts are quite clear that one needs to eat in order to get the fuel one needs to exercise.

Thus I eat. And because I’m really obedient to the Experts, I then eat some more. (One can’t be too careful.)

And before I know it, the day is over and I realize with a pang of regret (“Hooray!” she screams and downs another pint of ice cream) that now I’ll have to wait a whole month until the next First Day of the Month rolls around.

“So why don’t you simply start on the second?” I hear one wise-ass curious and interested reader ask.

And I pretend I didn’t hear said reader, what with the Chariots of Fire score still ringing in my ears.

Seriously though, I’m happy to report that today has been a bit more productive than other First of the Months of yore.

Sure, I started off as usual with the coffee and the reclining and the fantasy, but – and this must be a sure sign that Fantasy Me is already getting fitter – I finished the fantasy racing-and-getting-skinny a bit sooner than usual this afternoon, so I actually had time to fit in some real exercise of my own today, outside of these flights of fancy. And you’d better be VERY proud of me because I actually did the exercise I set out to do:

Instead of walking, I ran to the refrigerator for my second helping of ice cream!

Phew! Now it's time for a nap.

16 Comments

martha said:

see for me I'm able to make resolutions about exercise and healthy eating almost every day and break them just as frequently. It's the fault of the coffee machine at work, the long commute home... all sorts of things conspire to keep me from getting in shape. It's not my fault I tell ya!

Congrats on the run to the fridge!

Lessa said:

AHAHAHAHHAHAHA.

I'm so there with ya. I do the same thing, all these loverly grandiose thoughts and that run to the fridge, which, I must confess, is all of three steps away.

But as I always say - a figure like mine? takes WORK dammit. No one's born as... um... fluffy? as I am! *grin*

Marsha said:

Hey Red (can I call you Red?)
I just wanted to say hello. I just (finally) managed to get through all of your posts thus far, and fully enjoyed myself! Congrats on the contest. Your posts are a great additon to the blogoverse!
I'm more of a lurker than a commenter, but I'll be watching :)

pylorns said:

an aside to forest gump with the run red.. ruuun.. ? Anyway, I know all too well how hard it is to drop weight.. I can reccomend only one thing. Body for Life.

Zinke said:

You crack me up! I thought I was the only one with the slightly-laid-back thinking position! You see the key is: You have to drape one arm over the back of the chair or behind your head while you're reclined. Its the best way to think! =)

Maggie said:

Hmmmm... I think I'm gonna have to start wearing a tinfoil covered helmet, because apparently you're channeling my exact thoughts these days.

Visions of myself exercising haven't made me fitter yet, but every day I hope....

kim said:

marathon-of-the-mind? i love it!

i'm very into that kinda sports myself. although - i have started walking on a fairly regular basis (pats herself on the shoulder) a few weeks ago and i actually kinda like it. when the weather is nice and i'm not too tired and.. you know..

Helen said:

You picture yourself racing past Marion Jones and succeeding in the quest for tininess. I see myself in my "visions" in a meeting, single-handedly saving a room from telecom terrorists who desperately want new features in a phone.

It's the dreams that make us get through the day, so I say good on ya', keep 'em up. :)

Deltus said:

2 words: Atkins. Pilates. I've gone from 325 pounds to 290 pounds in something like 13 weeks.

Sarah said:

Eat your ice cream with chopsticks. It counts as exercise.

Zandria said:

Look on the bright side: you have those well-meaning resolutions once a month, instead of only at the beginning of each year. At least you're consistent. :)

Bill said:

For me, denial can be more satisfying than indulgence. I may *really* want two bowls of ice cream a day, but the fact that I can say no to such make me feel powerful.

That's just me, and not a recommendation for you. I have no recommendations. I just wanted to make a comment on your blog because Emily said to do so.

AirMatix said:

Hahahaha! You've broken something already....

Oh, sorry - that was my last comment.

Ummm, well, I'm glad to hear you're winning the fight against anorexia. I'm proud of you. All of you. The flabby, slab sides; the cellulite acres of skin stretched to breaking point around your thighs. Proud of you - that's what I am!

Seriously though, I am enjoying your writing!

kdeweb said:

Those damn Fantasy Mes are a real pain in the arse at making us feel inferior, what with their perfection and all.

You are quite the inspiration!

Vanessa said:

You've inspired me to actually try and keep my resolution of doing x-number of situps every day. I'll get right on it right after this... lol.. as if. At least i'm trying to keep my resolution! lol.



















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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • Vanessa : You've inspired me to actually try and keep my resolution of doing x-number of situps every day. I'... [go]
  • :: jozjozjoz :: : You are quite the inspiration!... [go]
  • kdeweb : Those damn Fantasy Mes are a real pain in the arse at making us feel inferior, what with their perfe... [go]
  • AirMatix : Hahahaha! You've broken something already.... Oh, sorry - that was my last comment. Ummm, well, I'... [go]
  • Bill : For me, denial can be more satisfying than indulgence. I may *really* want two bowls of ice cream a... [go]
  • Zandria : Look on the bright side: you have those well-meaning resolutions once a month, instead of only at th... [go]
  • Sarah : Eat your ice cream with chopsticks. It counts as exercise.... [go]
  • Deltus : 2 words: Atkins. Pilates. I've gone from 325 pounds to 290 pounds in something like 13 weeks.... [go]
  • Helen : You picture yourself racing past Marion Jones and succeeding in the quest for tininess. I see mysel... [go]
  • kim : marathon-of-the-mind? i love it! i'm very into that kinda sports myself. although - i have started... [go]
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