I'm not fat, I just happen to play a pregnant woman on stage

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I actually survived my first night of performing. (And please note: I use the term very loosely when describing my own on-stage shenanigans.) And I only had ONE major flub. (Which, if you want to get technical, was 20 minutes long. Which is the whole time that I'm on stage.)

Anyway, so, that's one "performance" down. Leaving us with (and here the terror overcomes me again) FIFTEEN to go... ugh.

I was mistaken. The media wasn't at last night's performance. Which means they could show tonight. Or tomorrow night. Suddenly (and here she brings a trembling hand to her brow) I feel... a... bit... faint.

Perhaps it's the understudy's time to shine, no? Besides, this whole in-the-spotlight thing is really very overrated, especially if no multi-million dollar movie deal contracts are being signed and no paparazzi are lurking in the shadows to document my every misstep graceful move.

And when I told you how the first leading man quit the show, I forgot to mention how this meant that we had to redo all the photos. Which means that we went through all of this all over again last week. (Only this time my outfit decided to outdo itself by being even more awful than the first one I had to wear.) And if you've been paying any attention to my drivelings, you would know how much I simply adore being photographed.

Oh, and about that flub of mine?

Within the first five minutes of my scene I'm required to turn on an actual television (by walking up to the set first and turning it on from there... technicalities) and then, after turning it on and turning the sound down a bit (also at the set), I have to drag my fake pregnant body back across the stage, fall down onto the bed and then use the remote to turn on a excerpt from the Dr. Phil Show I'm supposed to watch (because I use it to lead into my short monologue that follows) by pressing "Skip" and "Play."

And then, after my little monologue, I'm supposed to turn it off by pressing "Skip" and "Pause."

Well, sounds simple enough, right?

And yes, perhaps for you techno-savvy people it is. But this is me we're (sadly)talking about, remember? Me, who can't even successfully upload her blog or send e-mails without somehow awakening and releasing a thousand slumbering viruses.

Needless to say, I nailed it during rehearsal. (Although, if you MUST know, not the first time. Or even the second or third... you catch my drift.)

And then, last night. I turned the TV on. Check. And it worked!

I waddled (preggers, remember?) over to the bed and to the remote. Pressed "Skip." And "Play." And thank the theatre gods, for it was cued in the correct place, and Dr. Phil's enormous bold head filled the screen. (Didn't think I'd ever be so happy to see him as I was last night.)

So far so good, right? (And I should've known right then that it was going way too well!)

But again, it's me we're talking about. So needless to say, my ever reliable "Disleksick" alter-ego stepped in and I pressed "Pause" instead of "Skip" or something when I was supposed to turn the TV off, and well... of course nothing happened.

Couldn't just turn the damn thing off at the "off" button either, because the DVD had to remain cued for the leading man, who also uses the TV throughout the entire production. And if I had just caved under the pressure and turned it off (and believe me, in that moment I was verrrry tempted to do just that) I would've thrown the entire and meticulously cued DVD horribly out of whack.

The leading man saved the day by swiftly re-entering and gently prying the by-now-very-cursed remote from my frozen grip and getting it off and cued and fixed, all in a mere second.

Gah.

But remember, I was still there, and the remote was still in the vicinity, so of course something else just had to go wrong.

And it did.

Because at one point during the scene, when I'm supposed to fall back during a fit of frenzied contractions, the blasted TV came on. Seemingly all by itself.

But no. Upon closer panicked inspection we realized that it was all my doing again. Of course.

See, in the middle of my very melodramatic rendition of the contractions during which I fall back onto the bed with an ear-splitting groan, I apparently rolled back with such enthusiasm that I landed Right On The Bloody Remote.

At that point, the audience simply couldn't contain themselves any longer and we all just burst out laughing. Yes, that's right. I said "we." Because always the cool, calm, consummate professional, I started giggling uncontrollably.

Oy... just fifteen more shows people. Just fifteen more shows...

6 Comments

pylorns said:

you never know who might be lurking in that crowd though...

Lessa said:

*LMAO* I LOVE theater for just such reasons. Fantastic! Wish I could attend a performance or three to help support ya, Red.

The very first play I tried out for in High School I got the leading role. Opening night went fabulously! But night two..... well. See. It was cheaper by the dozen, and the entire SECOND HALF of the play revolved around my changing from tights to "silk stockings" midway through the first act.

I forgot. And it went downhill from there. In act two I actually had 2 lines that were VERY similar as well, about 20 minutes apart. And I flubbed. And we skilled about 20 pages of important dialog. Good news was that our time that night was fabulously short, badnews was that no matter HOW much adlibbing the more practiced kiddos did to get us back on track, it just didn't work. It was the most confusing (yet well timed!) performance of CbtD ever!

You'll do beautifully, Red! Honest!

Lessa said:

- i can type too. we skilled? skipped! *L*

and then there was the time I was supposed to "pretend" to fall asleep on stage.... and actually DID.

whoops. missed cue anyone?

Emily's been telling me forever that I need to read you, but for some reason, I'm just now making my way over here...

Anyway, I wanted to wish you good luck with the rest of your performances. I have stage fright big time, so you are far braver than me (even though I did jump out of a plane last month). :-)

kim said:

hey - I'm sure you're not as, let's say "gawkish" as you make it sound like. and I would think playing a pregnant woman is reserved for the highly skilled league of actors. I mean including contractions? c'mon - that's really tough..

and WE WANT PIX!! pretty PLEEASE!

martha said:

yes pictures please?

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comments
  • martha : yes pictures please?... [go]
  • kim : hey - I'm sure you're not as, let's say "gawkish" as you make it sound like. and I would think playi... [go]
  • Kymberlie R. McGuire : Emily's been telling me forever that I need to read you, but for some reason, I'm just now making my... [go]
  • Lessa : - i can type too. we skilled? skipped! *L* and then there was the time I was supposed to "pretend" ... [go]
  • Lessa : *LMAO* I LOVE theater for just such reasons. Fantastic! Wish I could attend a performance or three t... [go]
  • pylorns : you never know who might be lurking in that crowd though...... [go]
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