Net Detective

Posted in Red Whine on October 5, 2004 | Permalink | Comments (9)

Summoning all internet gurus (aka all three and a half of my esteemed readers. Half, because some of you only read the post titles, I'm sure).

HELP!

Oh, yes... my manners: Help me... NOW!

(Please?)

Don't worry, I don't need money. Well, I do, but that, frankly is another very sad story and since I'm always as cheerful as Katie bloody Couric (how can anyone be that chirpy THAT EARLY IN THE MORNING?!) and you've come to expect that kind of cheer from me (that, and irregular posts), I won't lament my money troubles and my mental unhealth.

I do, however, still need your help, oh you web savvy folks you!

A friend of mine who works for a very esteemed museum type institution has assumed that, since I have a blog, I'm supposedly quite the internet guru meself.

Yes, ha ha, verrry funny, I know.

Just goes to show that one should never make assumptions. It's very dangerous and misleading.

Anyway, since I refrained from correcting her little wrongful assumption immediately (hey, I can't help that I like how "Red the Internet Guru and Web-Goddess" sound! You gotta admit, it kinda rolls of the tongue really nicely...), I got roped into doing her a favour.

And since I'm generally a very helpful person and I may have also suffered from a bit of my usual caffeine withdrawal (you know, I was between sips and all), and since it sounded pretty easy at first (sit at the pc and surf a couple of things on the net), I agreed to help her out.

Thing is, now I'm struggling a bit.

Okay... a LOT.

You see, the little thing she wants me to do is to look up postal addresses for a few VERY WEALTHY AND THEREFORE VERY UNLISTED people. And she needs it by Thursday. As in yes, tomorrow (since most of you will only see this on Wednesday.)

She told me I could find a lot of those people's addresses by merely going to Google and typing in their names.

Er... no. Teresa Heinz Kerry's home address doesn't just happen to pop up when you Google her name. Not even when you type "Teresa Heinz Kerry's home address" in quotations like that.

How rude of Google to protect people's privacy like that! They'll show you Alyssa Milano's boobs (I've heard... I'm not really interested in seeing Alyssa's boobs. No offense, Alyssa, I'm sure your rack is very nice, but I'm not into that sort of thing) and tell you how to find Paris Hilton's latest romp staged for the camcorder, but they won't tell you where she lives!

A lot of "Teresa Heinz Kerry told a reporter to "shove off!" came up. A lot of opinions about her hair came up.

But alas, no personal mansion address. Not to even a single one of her mansions. (Seriously, I'm just about ready to settle for her summer home in Nantucket's address.)

Of course, I wasn't too surprised. I tried Whitepages.com and Yellowbook.com and a host of other directories (most of which tells you that the honour of being awarded an unlisted mailing address will cost you $7.95, thank you very much), but since I'm every bit as unwilling to buy these addresses as this esteemed institution my friend works for is, and since it's doubtful that my money troubles which I won't tell you about because I'm so cheerful, ha ha (see?) won't be solved by having the personal addresses of some of the wealthiest people in these United States, I'm coming up a bit short here.

So please help!

Any other Sherlock Holmes types out there who are experts at tracking people down here at their earthly addresses via cyber space?

Any help to point me in the right direction will be VERY greatly appreciated.

Until then, back to Google, White Pages et al.

Next up, the Marriotts.

9 Comments

Cherryflava said:

In the world of marketing...that kind of information is worth big money, so I very much doubt you're going to find it on the internet. Besides, a respected institution shouldn't be planning to spam rich people in anycase.

Think they need to relook their strategy.

October 6, 2004 2:12 AM

kim said:

cherryflava actually does have a point there.. and even if
i wanted to, i couldn't help you. i really don't know anything about finding adresses online - esp. in the US.
i'd be just as helpless as you are.. ;o) sorry..

October 6, 2004 3:25 AM

pylorns said:

I know people who know names and addresses but they will not release it because its a lawsuit waiting to happen. They want to remain private for a reason. Frankly I question your friends motives for wanting to violate these peoples already very public lives. Their home adresses and phone numbers are unlisted for a reason, its their only little piece of privacy. The paveratzi already hound them enough.

October 6, 2004 8:40 AM

martha said:

I'm sure there must be a mailing address somewhere, just not a home address.

You could try even sending it through the campaign office - Kerry-Edwards 2004, Inc.
P.O. Box 34640
Washington, DC 20043

But, I agree with what everyone else said. The museum type institution, if indeed esteemed, should definitely be being careful about who they send unsolicited mail to...

not that this makes your task any easier.

October 6, 2004 8:46 AM

miked said:

all the previous posters have a valid point. All those upper class types (lousy stupid rich peaple who can't share the wealth!) can be found, but it wouldn't exactly be legal. Seeing as how this is a well respected organization... it's obviously the wrong route.

None of your two and a half readers (I'm confused, 4 posts by 4 different people already) would like to see you blogging from up state. Jailbird Red?

October 6, 2004 9:16 AM

kellen said:

hi red! i am not super savvy on the kerry families residences, however, i do know that five or six blocks from where i work, there is a house that the kerrys own and host a lot of parties in. Not sure which street, but try addressing the envelope to "Teresa Heinz-Kerry, Beacon Hill, Boston, MA 02114". It's technically correct, and at least worth a try.

October 6, 2004 9:58 AM

mice said:

I would just be honest with your associate and say that you were unable to obtain the information without spending money that you cannot afford.

You did a search for them as you said you would and you didn't find anything.

-mice

October 6, 2004 11:46 AM

Malia said:

Like everyone said, home addresses are a no-go so tell your friend that. A professional address shouldn't be too hard. Most "big" families like that have foundations you can write to or at least companies who probably receive mail for them (no garuntee that Teresa will ever personally see whatever they're sending her but it might at least get to one of her assistants). Try the Foundation Center - they have tons of information.

Plus, if it's a respectable museum, I would imagine they have a development/fundraising office that would know better how to go about soliciting important folks.

October 7, 2004 9:55 AM

Christine said:

I may not read daily (that whole infrequent posts thing gets me), but I do read every single word of every post, so I hope you're not accounting me among the people that just read the titles.

Just so we're clear. ;)

As for the addresses - well, it's all already been said. Probably not much luck on the big bling bling families having their addresses anywhere online.

October 11, 2004 2:38 AM

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can ~~stalk her~~ send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

online

Christine : I may not read daily (that whole infrequent posts thing gets me), but I do read every single word of... [go]
Malia : Like everyone said, home addresses are a no-go so tell your friend that. A professional address sho... [go]
mice : I would just be honest with your associate and say that you were unable to obtain the information wi... [go]
kellen : hi red! i am not super savvy on the kerry families residences, however, i do know that five or six ... [go]
miked : all the previous posters have a valid point. All those upper class types (lousy stupid rich peaple w... [go]
martha : I'm sure there must be a mailing address somewhere, just not a home address. You could try even se... [go]
pylorns : I know people who know names and addresses but they will not release it because its a lawsuit waitin... [go]
kim : cherryflava actually does have a point there.. and even if i wanted to, i couldn't help you. i real... [go]
Cherryflava : In the world of marketing...that kind of information is worth big money, so I very much doubt you're... [go]