How dost thou slow dance when 'tis an Internet Romance?

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Fear not the title of this post, dear reader, for it's by NO means an indication that I've crossed over into the delicate world of poetry or any other legitimate form of literature! (Well, I'll admit to drunkenly penning the occasional limerick, but I'm afraid my metre is off-beat and my rhyme sucks like a baby on a teat. See?)

Nor have I decided to seek my fortune by attempting to write bodice-ripper romances.

So rest assured, for you'll still get the same ill-composed, whiny, long-winded posts as the ones you've grown to despise, but come to expect from me.

So why then all this feverish talk of romance when it's not even anywhere near February?

Because - and I warn you: swallow your drinks now, before you read on - a friend has asked me to write MY opinions on that phenomenon which is Internet Romance.

"Why HER, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA?" I barely manage to make out the inevitable question through shrieks of your hysterical laughter.

Indeed: why me?

Truth is, I've NO IDEA why.

Because it's certainly NOT as if I'm an authority figure on the matter.

Maybe he asked me because he thinks that the internet is the only place where I can meet people and form lasting relationships with them, since I'm not nearly as scary on here as I am in real life - remember, I DID say "NEARLY" - even though, in real life, I really AM a Nicole Kidman lookalike, I swear, complete with the svelte six-foot frame and cheekbones and peaches and cream complexion. No, HONESTLY!

Or maybe he asked me - and this theory is more likely the most accurate so far - because he wanted (and I quote) "something not too deep," and he KNEW that I'd at least manage to meet THAT requirement with low-flying colours.

But whatever his reasons were for asking me, he DID ask and therefore I shall gladly venture into the most shallow reaches of my mind and respond.

Okay, I'm back (the reaches are shallow, so the journey there and back is a quick one), and here's my response to "Hey, Red, what do you think of Internet Romance?"

I think (and thank you for asking what I think, it makes me feel Important), as with all forms of dating, Internet Romance also has perks, potential pitfalls and -for lack of an appropriate synonym that starts with a "p", hereby abruptly ending the alliteration - cons.

But if you think I'm going to spell them all out for you, you've come to the wrong place.

Instead, I'd just like to say to all Internet Romancers out there: Be careful of contracting viruses from your cyber sweetie, so be safe and use protection. (I hear Norton's is a pretty reliable brand.)

And mind your lipstick when leaning in to kiss the screen. (And we KNOW that this applies to some of the boys too!)

And speaking of kissing... Remember, it's best not to kiss and tell, so show restraint and don't print out copies of your make-out sessions and post them online for all the world-with-internet-access to see.

But most importantly, whatever you do, do NOT disconnect prematurely!

12 Comments

mice said:

Long distance relationships suck. I know this from personal experience.

That's all I'm going to say on the matter.

Aaron said:

heh. Nice topic.

Here's my input. Internet romances are great until the wife finds out, then you're screwed.

Aaron

martha said:

unless the internet romance is with your wife while she's away at work...

although I guess you can get screwed that way too. (hardy-har-har)

Aaron said:

No it wasn't and yes you can. ;) lol

My wife and I met over Internet chat. We've been together for over nine years. I'd blog about it, but it's in my book, and I have to charge people for SOMETHING...

pylorns said:

I met my sweetie because of her blog. The distance sucks, but we're working on that.

Helen said:

Long distance relationships well and truly suck. I have been there, done that, as well.

That said, I am not so sure that an internet romance would be for me-it's really easy to deal with someone's quirks and insecurities on the monitor-it's a lot different when they have them around you AND forget to put their dirty knickers in the laundry basket.

Natalie said:

All I wanna know is, what the hell am I supposed to get shoved in my drive? A floppy disk or a compact disc? Either way I'm fucked and not well. I want a refund.

kim said:

i didn't meet the man online. he still thinks the internet is not trustworthy (unless he wants something from ebay - but even then he still makes me get it for him 'cause he doesn't have an account..) but, what i was really trying to say is: long distance relationships SUCK big time!!! but can you imagine the excitement of going trough the glass-doors of the chicago-airport, seeing the man and getting your first hug and kiss after 335 days? i'm telling you, that's PURE peeing-my-pants excitement. and.....i'll be there in 24 days!! sorry red, i just had to mention it.. including all the exclamation marks. i can't do without them in this case - i'm sure you understand ;o)

SarahD said:

Hey Red! Yup it's me, old WRT buddy! Don't know if I told you but the man and I also met online, and look where we are now! It's been 5 months and we just got engaged, so my opinion is that internet dating is truly fabulous!! Give it a bash everyone, the best thing is you get to know almost everything about the person before you get to meet them. Two thumbs up from my side!!!

Caren said:

I've a couple friends who've met their spouses over the intenet.

It's like "traditional" dating/meeting people, sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't.

girl said:

I met my fiancé online and we've been together for nearly 3 years. we're getting married next Fall. we did the long distance thing for a year before I decided to move to Texas to be with him. best decision I ever made!

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • girl : I met my fiancĂ© online and we've been together for nearly 3 years. we're getting married next Fall.... [go]
  • Caren : I've a couple friends who've met their spouses over the intenet. It's like "traditional" dating/me... [go]
  • SarahD : Hey Red! Yup it's me, old WRT buddy! Don't know if I told you but the man and I also met online, and... [go]
  • kim : i didn't meet the man online. he still thinks the internet is not trustworthy (unless he wants somet... [go]
  • Natalie : All I wanna know is, what the hell am I supposed to get shoved in my drive? A floppy disk or a comp... [go]
  • Helen : Long distance relationships well and truly suck. I have been there, done that, as well. That sai... [go]
  • pylorns : I met my sweetie because of her blog. The distance sucks, but we're working on that.... [go]
  • The Zero Boss : My wife and I met over Internet chat. We've been together for over nine years. I'd blog about it, bu... [go]
  • Aaron : No it wasn't and yes you can. ;) lol... [go]
  • martha : unless the internet romance is with your wife while she's away at work... although I guess you can... [go]
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