Thank Houston!

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"Whether the weather be fine,
Or whether the weather be not,
Whether the weather be cold,
Or whether the weather be hot,
We'll weather the weather
Whatever the weather,
Whether we like it or not!" - Author Unknown.

The above is titled... wellwhaddayaknow?... "Weather." (And yes, you're very welcome! I'm always happy to plant things in people's heads that they'll want to mutter repeatedly for the rest of the day much to their own delight and to the great amusement of their co-workers, families and friends.)

But really, it should've been called "Oath of the Television Meteorologist." And they should've replaced a few of the lines with: "We'll force the viewers to like it too, whether they like it or not."

And no, I'm really not a meteorologist hater. REALLY. (And by the way, shouldn't there be a word for people who DO dislike meteorologists? 'Cause, you know they're out there, and I know we're they're out there. Yes, I think so too, thusly I would like to offer the following rather luke warm nominations to the dictionary: Meteoracists, or, in keeping with the variation on the same theme and... okay, simply because I don't have any worse/better ideas: Meteorolocists. Sounds like a really large lump somewhere on a person where it would be most uncomfortable, doesn't it?)

It's just that I suspect that all the meteorologists that I see on local television stations here in Baltimore are a tad possessed. (And, coincidentally, more so when it's full mooooooooon, and I hear them howling through the night (except between the hours of 10 - 11:30 pm) from up there on Television Hill, their ominous figures silhouetted darkly - except for every few seconds when they're briefly illuminated by the red glow of the flashing lights on the transmitter towers - against the bulbous moon.)

For one, their hair, in the typical fashion of the television anchor person, is always so... so... annoyingly in place! It's as if they're completely excempt from the weather related bad hair days (frizz brought on by tropical humidity; limp uncooperation and a dusting of dandruff courtesy of the dry winter air) that seem to befall the rest of us, the non-television-meteorologist population. Even when they're reporting outside of the safe confines of the hair friendly studio, directly from the front, their hairstyles seem to remain unscathed and bizarrely intact.

Like when they're barely hanging onto the side of an airborne building as hurricane strength gale force winds assault them from every angle... the hair remains UNRUFFLED.

Or when they're out in the mid-summer smog, hacking up bits of lung because the air quality is worse in Baltimore than on sulphuric Venus, and they're barely visible on camera through the haze of pollution... except for their hair, which, once again, is SHINING LIKE A BEACON!

But, really, the perpetually perfect hair is NOT the main motivation behind this little outburst of mine. (I did warn you though that I tend to lose my mind ' a bit' when I'm deprived of the sixteen hours of continuous daylight required to keep me sane.)

Oh yes, dear reader, this is not over. There is more!

They just seem to get so EXCITED at the slightest prospect of bad weather!

Especially this one television meteorologist here in Baltimore whom I have decided to nickname Storm Thunderman. He has bleached-for-T.V. teeth, and well, you already know about the hair, and he gets this demonic look in his eye whenever he senses a storm might be brewing somewhere in the world, but preferrably near or heading straight for Baltimore.

Now, I know it probably helps them in their careers (might even be a requirement) to show some enthusiasm for backing winds, cirrus and cumulus clouds, El Nino... and I'm afraid that's about the extent of my meteorology jargon. But man, Storm's passion goes above and beyond. He especially thrives when he gets to have extra air time. Like, when he interrupts regular programming (which, much to my irritation, seems to always be The Oprah Winfrey Show) to tell us that "By George! There's a cloud in the sky! Watch out, 'cause it might rain!"

You should've seen him during Hurricane Isabel last year! He was on the air for almost three days straight. It was definitely the highlight of his career.

During the late news broadcast, Storm said something that just confirmed all my feelings about him.

His hair was in place, his smile was as frozen as the water in Baltimore's Inner Harbour in January and he was stretching his air time to the max by showing us footage of seriously flooded areas around Houston.

Quite cheerfully, he said: "Just LOOK at all the FLOODING going on in Houston right now!" And then, the demonic glow began to surround him as he continued: "And it's not bound to STOP any time SOON. So, Baltimore, we have Houston to thank for these cloud covers we have, because it's brought on by the heavy rains they're having down there, and it's keeping us a few degrees warmer than usual."

So, Houston, as you are drowning over the next few weeks (and I really hope that you won't!), please be consoled by the fact that Baltimore and Storm would like to thank you and you and you and you and you and you and... wow, I know a lot of bloggers in Houston! And, if you live in Houston and I've omitted to thank you for so unselfishly being rained on so that I can be warmish in November and Storm can have extra air time during November sweeps, please accept my apologies!


Natalie said:

Dude, you crack me up.

TimT said:

"The rain, it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust feller -
But mostly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella."

Some guy in the 19th century. I forget his name.

Christine said:

Do me a favor ... call Storm and inform him that we are *not* in fact responsible for the weather. It's not like we manufacture it down here, you know. It just happens here, and then we send it your way. Silly man, he should know that by now.

By the way, my part of town isn't flooding. Interesting thing about Houston - the city is like very large, so when I had tons of rain at the house on Monday, it had barely rained at all at Mike's office. (It still took him 2 hours to get home after all the rain though. Ugh.)

Yesterday morning, there were green pastures in my neck of the woods in da Mitten.

Then, it started to rain white shit from the sky.

Today, there are six inches of white shit on the ground.

Wendy is back home here in da Mitten, not far from me, for the first time in five years. She is loving it. Her hubby, Fran, however, is a native of Mexico, and has lived either there or in SoCal his entire live, and has never seen white shit from the sky before, and is in utter disbelief at the meshuggas called Michigan weather, and freezing his thin-blooded tuchus off.

I asked him if his wife Skits told him what they say about the weather up here, which is, "If you want the weather in MI to change, wait five minutes." He said that yes, indeed, she did mention that.

That's my homegirl. :)

plz xcuze mah speling n grammer 4 it iz stil erlee an if n whenn u c my latesst p0st ull no y

amy t. said:

Happy to oblige, my dear! I will gladly tough out monsoon season around here to make sure my Baltimore friends are toasty warm!

Well, easy for me to say that now that the rain has passed us by...

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • amy t. : Happy to oblige, my dear! I will gladly tough out monsoon season around here to make sure my Baltim... [go]
  • Motor City Bad Kitty : plz xcuze mah speling n grammer 4 it iz stil erlee an if n whenn u c my latesst p0st ull no y... [go]
  • Motor City Bad Kitty : Yesterday morning, there were green pastures in my neck of the woods in da Mitten. Then, it started... [go]
  • Christine : Do me a favor ... call Storm and inform him that we are *not* in fact responsible for the weather. ... [go]
  • TimT : "The rain, it raineth on the just And also on the unjust feller - But mostly on the just, because... [go]
  • Natalie : Dude, you crack me up.... [go]
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