Cures for Ears

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Here's some unsound medical advice.

I received it from a friend who isn't a doctor (which is where I usually turn for medical advice, but only after exhausting my other resource for health and well-being from index to glossary: the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia) so you may want to take out a life insurance policy before you try it.

With so much serious authority in his tone, he must've been telling the truth, he told me the following:

"Whenever you have an ear infection and you wish to achieve optimum drainage, you're supposed to hang upside down."

"Like a bat?" I asked.

"You could say that."

(I think he was trying to break it to me gently.)

So, here I've been since then, suspended by my ankles from the ceiling fan.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the computer screen, and my legs and body are so white (well, I'm a redhead, so I suppose it doesn't sound THAT different from any other time, except this time I'm sure I can actually see the outlines of some of my vital organs through this new translucence of my skin) while my face and head have swollen to twice it's normal (already impressive) size and are as red as a beet from having every single drop of my blood which is normally evenly distributed throughout my whole body collected right there in one place.

(My goodness that was a long sentence!)

I think my brain is benefitting from this position (even if my writing and punctuation clearly aren't), because since receiving this surge of blood into it, I've been able to think quite clearly.

Even though it feels as if my head wants to explode, which seems to be the only other side effect so far, which I suppose, along with the translucent bloodless body, isn't all that bad.

Also, from this angle, my legs look rather skinny. Which is a perk in itself, because when you're as white as I am, everything tends to look twice as big as it actually is in real life. (So please keep that in mind when you meet me in person one day and your first impression is a tempting: "My, but she is ENORMOUS." Remember that it's all just a big fat illusion.)

Anyway, so now, when people ask me what I'm doing, I can casually say: "Oh, I'm just hanging out," and mean it quite literally.

What's that? What? YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MY EARS ARE?

Oh. That's right. That's what all of this was about in the first place.

Well... I suppose now they're full of blood, so it still sounds as if I'm listening to everything while being underwater.

But I heard on CSI (the other medical advisor I turn to for things not covered by the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia and my lay doctor friends. Like whenever I wake up and feel as if I've been murdered the night before, you know?).

Anyway, as I was saying, I heard on CSI that blood is thicker than water, so that's probably why I can hear even less now than I was able to hear last week, during the height of my ear infection.

So no reason to be alarmed.

Right?

RIGHT?

8 Comments

kellen said:

when i have ear problems, i drink a lot of water. a. lot. of. water. the constant swallowing sometimes gets the muscles to "pop" and in addition, the water keeps you hydrated and helps flush out infections.

although the idea of you hanging upside down from the ceiling fan has given me the most massive case of giggles. :)

kimberly said:

I'm sorry. I was plagued with ear infections all the time when I was a kid. It is no fun at all.

TimT said:

Should you really be resorting to 'unsound' medical practices when you have an ear infection?

Okay. Bad time to be making such a joke. But hear me out...

Sorry. Being serious now. I really, deafinitely... that is, I hear that ...

I think I'll shut up now.

martha said:

you may have a wax build up in your ear if you aren't sure what's causing the infection. if that's the case a doctor (a real one, usually an ear, nose and throat specialist) can go in and clean it out for you.

pylorns said:

sounds like you need to be shot and put out of your misery.

Sandee said:

Cool place you have here :)

miked said:

okay, first off, I gotta ask.... what kind of ceiling fan do you have and how was it installed.

I tried the very same thing and ended up ripping the damn thing from the ceiling. I layed motionless on the ground trying to sort out the stars and tweety birds.... When I got my head sorted I realized I did something that I don't think too many have done before... literally.

After three tries I finally got my foot out of my mouth. The taste of tough actin' tinactin isn't that great... way too minty!

So I have to ask you Red, for my own safety, where can I get myself a super duper ceiling fan? Not just for my safety, but I think you owe it to all your readers... don't ya think? :o)

Hope your feeling better,
mikey d

Janet said:

Wow. And to think all this time I was just getting my ear drained by the doctor.

Don't ask.

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • Janet : Wow. And to think all this time I was just getting my ear drained by the doctor. Don't ask.... [go]
  • miked : okay, first off, I gotta ask.... what kind of ceiling fan do you have and how was it installed. I t... [go]
  • Sandee : Cool place you have here :)... [go]
  • pylorns : sounds like you need to be shot and put out of your misery.... [go]
  • martha : you may have a wax build up in your ear if you aren't sure what's causing the infection. if that's t... [go]
  • TimT : Should you really be resorting to 'unsound' medical practices when you have an ear infection? Okay.... [go]
  • kimberly : I'm sorry. I was plagued with ear infections all the time when I was a kid. It is no fun at all.... [go]
  • kellen : when i have ear problems, i drink a lot of water. a. lot. of. water. the constant swallowing somet... [go]
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