Cures for Ears

"Whenever you have an ear infection and you wish to achieve optimum drainage, you're supposed to hang upside down."

"Like a bat?" I asked.

"You could say that."

(I think he was trying to break it to me gently.)

So, here I've been since then, suspended by my ankles from the ceiling fan.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the computer screen, and my legs and body are so white (well, I'm a redhead, so I suppose it doesn't sound THAT different from any other time, except this time I'm sure I can actually see the outlines of some of my vital organs through this new translucence of my skin) while my face and head have swollen to twice it's normal (already impressive) size and are as red as a beet from having every single drop of my blood which is normally evenly distributed throughout my whole body collected right there in one place.

(My goodness that was a long sentence!)

I think my brain is benefitting from this position (even if my writing and punctuation clearly aren't), because since receiving this surge of blood into it, I've been able to think quite clearly.

Even though it feels as if my head wants to explode, which seems to be the only other side effect so far, which I suppose, along with the translucent bloodless body, isn't all that bad.

Also, from this angle, my legs look rather skinny. Which is a perk in itself, because when you're as white as I am, everything tends to look twice as big as it actually is in real life. (So please keep that in mind when you meet me in person one day and your first impression is a tempting: "My, but she is ENORMOUS." Remember that it's all just a big fat illusion.)

Anyway, so now, when people ask me what I'm doing, I can casually say: "Oh, I'm just hanging out," and mean it quite literally.

What's that? What? YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MY EARS ARE?

Oh. That's right. That's what all of this was about in the first place.

Well... I suppose now they're full of blood, so it still sounds as if I'm listening to everything while being underwater.

But I heard on CSI (the other medical advisor I turn to for things not covered by the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia and my lay doctor friends. Like whenever I wake up and feel as if I've been murdered the night before, you know?).

Anyway, as I was saying, I heard on CSI that blood is thicker than water, so that's probably why I can hear even less now than I was able to hear last week, during the height of my ear infection.

So no reason to be alarmed.

Right?

RIGHT?