Deck the halls. And walls. And streets. And trees. But be a deer and don't disrupt my biorhythm.

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One recent day – I must’ve been looking the other way – Christmas arrived as quietly and as understated as a John Waters movie on the street in Baltimore where I live.

Well, actually, since you’ve come to expect the factual journalism that I’ve been known to display on this blog (why the sudden outburst of hysterical laughter?), it is my duty to come clean: Christmas really arrived in a blinding burst of flashing lights and with an army of inflated Santas and a herd of mechanical reindeer and flags and bows and tinsel and gigantic candy canes that glow in the dark and tons of other potential fire hazards (Bah HUMBUG!), about a week before Thanksgiving.

But I’ve been sick. And before I became ill, I was startled by all the lights. You know, like the proverbial deer in the Christmas lights? So I’ve been frozen by this hypnotic glare, unable to write and tell you about it sooner. (It’s your choice, factual journalism or up-to-the-millisecond-but-hopelessly-lacking updates. I’m sure that you’ve already learned from watching the news and reading most papers that you most certainly can NOT have both.)

So we have been enveloped in permanent twilight ever since the arrival of Christmas. Dark nights have become a thing of the past, and therefore, so has sleeping.

But maybe the inability to sleep is not such a bad thing. Well, this light-induced insomnia might have a lot to do with my slow recovery, but I think even if I WAS able to sleep, I would’ve fought it with all my might.

You see, those mechanical reindeer and the way their wired eyeless heads seem to follow my every move as I stumble to and from the house at night absolutely FREAK ME OUT, especially after a few too many sips of eggnog. It’s a nightmare just begging to happen, and should I dare to doze off, I just KNOW that those wires will spring to life a la Chucky and chase me down the streets of Baltimore and pounce on me and tie me up with strings of Christmas lights…

4 Comments

martha said:

I thought I would get away from bad christmas decorations when I moved to the big city. Ah, how wrong I was... People put those reindeer on their fire escapes!!!! Yeah, like that's legal?

pylorns said:

the christmas season still hasnt hit me... maybe by this weekend.

aaron said:

You have no idea. I'm going to NYC this weekend FOR the Christmas festivities. Wanna come with me?

Aaron

emily said:

Hey, babe. I noticed you had some spam comments, so I updated your MT Blacklist and removed them. :)

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • emily : Hey, babe. I noticed you had some spam comments, so I updated your MT Blacklist and removed them. :... [go]
  • aaron : You have no idea. I'm going to NYC this weekend FOR the Christmas festivities. Wanna come with me? ... [go]
  • pylorns : the christmas season still hasnt hit me... maybe by this weekend.... [go]
  • martha : I thought I would get away from bad christmas decorations when I moved to the big city. Ah, how wron... [go]
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