A Post Traumatic Christmas Story

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At a few minutes before midnight on Christmas Eve, in what can only be described as a major mid-air scuffle, Santa Claus and his team of faithful reindeer were intercepted by the Tooth Fairy in the moonlit (or was the glow caused by the blinding holiday lights decorating the houses below?) and cold, clear skies above Hampden, a somewhat quirky neighbourhood in Baltimore, Maryland.

According to riveting eyewitness accounts of the event, the Tooth Fairy (who was described by one very puzzled witness as a gravity defying, large, hairy man with a tiny wing span, and wearing a torn but frilly, pink dress. The police took this description with a grain of salt, calling it "preposterous!", "inaccurate!" and "highly unlikely!", and saying things like "we all KNOW the Tooth Fairy is a dainty and very aerodynamic little girl". At first police ascribed the inaccurate eyewitness account to the witness suffering from what is clearly a case of Post Traumatic Stress disorder (a common affliction among eyewitnesses), but the department quickly retracted most of the above statements (it's hard to tell which ones) when a few other eyewitnesses nervously came forward, one even delivering a very grainy and blurry but undisputably credible (even though it had no sound) video tape recording - which shall henceforth be known as Exhibit A - of the whole affair)... now where was I?

Oh, yes. According to the wildly different (but variety is the spice of life) eyewitness accounts, as well as the blurry but soundless images amateurishly captured on Exhibit A, the Tooth Fairy (who from that angle did indeed look very much like a large man in a dress) in a shrewd (but despicable!) manoeuvre, derailed the reindeer from their high speed gift delivery path by spanning dental floss across it, thereby causing the first two reindeer (Rudolph, Dancer and Prancer. Yes, I know I wrote "two", but the eyewitnesses swore that Rudolph, Dancer AND Prancer were the two reindeer in question. Apparently eyewitnesses don't have to be highly skilled in mathematics) to trip over it. This resulted in an unpleasant chain reaction crash and dominoe effect topple of the whole lot of them.

Poor Santa was tossed from his wrecked sleigh, catapulting through the sky as if he was a weightless entity, and gifts of various sizes were scattered everywhere, the wrapping torn to shreds and the bows askew.

"It was utter carnage!" The police spokesperson declared in a solemn tone. (Even though there were no known fatalities among the victims.)

According to more conflicting eyewitness reports, the Tooth Fairy then ransacked the gift bags, looting several home dental care and tooth whitening products.

Even after hearing this, (and Santa's Elves later confirming the conspicuous absence of those objects from the salvaged gifts) the police maintained that there was still no known motive for "what can only be described as a very unfortunate accident." (Even though the Tooth Fairy was captured in close-range on Exhibit A and can be clearly seen (it was actually the only bit on the whole video tape that was in focus) mouthing the word (and this was later confirmed by a hearing, lip-reading expert) "Sabotage!"* while sporting a wicked and - as can be expected - toothy grin.)

* The lip-reading expert would later reluctantly admit - but only after increasing pressure - that there may have been a teensy tiny, itty BITTY chance that he could've misunderstood, and that what he had interpreted as "Sabotage" may very well have been "Open the Garage" or "See That Mirage" or, in the unlikely event that the Tooth Fairy is French Canadian or even just French, he may have an accent and so he could've said: "Take out the garbage", because his pronunciation would've caused "garbage" to sound more like "gar-baaaaaahge", thereby rhyming with "garage" and "mirage". The moral of this bit of the story is that one should really never trust in a hearing lip-reading expert. Unless of course you have absolutely NO other alternative.

Anyway, the police claim that they are still working hard to solve the case, but - if you will forgive me editorializing for just a moment - I think they're only saying that because the Elves have been withholding all the gifts that were supposed to go to all the members of the Baltimore City Police and their immediate families, refusing to hand it out until the case is solved and the stolen goods recovered. So the police are much more interested in appeasing the Elves in order to get the gift embargo lifted, so that "our poor kids and wives can finally get their presents and stop driving us crazy. You can't blame them though, because it's almost January!*"

* Of course, that was said on December 31st. So then it WAS just almost, but not quite yet, January. Of course, now it IS January.

But all of that aside...

Back to Christmas Eve, when Hampden children small and a bit larger (like me) were fighting sleep while eagerly awaiting Santa's arrival, oblivious to the pandemonium carrying on in the skies high above their neighbourhood.

I myself was drifting off when I was suddenly jolted awake by a loud bang on the roof of our house.

I bravely ran downstairs (away from the sound). Honestly though, I wasn't just going to cower in a corner, I was really going to cower and peek out from behind my teddy bear (tightly clutched and held up in front of me like body armour) to investigate.

It was during this time, as I was peeking out from behind my teddy, that I happened to look out the window and see something flash and fall from the sky.

(To be continued...)

Hahahahaha. Just kidding. I'll finish the story now.

I heard the falling object land with another loud thud and then bounce in the backyard.

And then there was silence.

(Except for my heart thumping in my ears, because yes, didn't you know that people who were born in Africa have two hearts? Located in each of their ears? The purpose of this is so that you can hear it beat in stereo. That's why Africans have such astounding rhythmic ability... well, most of us. And by us I don't mean to imply myself. Because I have NO rhythm. Really. Not even a biorhythm!)

Anyway...

It was so quiet that I thought I must be dead. But then I remembered my hearts thumping in my ears, so I had to dismiss that possibility.

I finally worked up enough nerve to get up (still hiding behind my teddy) and slowly move towards the window.

ItwasthenthatIheardaloudBANG....

Oops, sorry. Wrong story.

Let's backtrack to the window. I stood at the window for what felt like an eternity, but I couldn't see anything.

Then I realised it was because my eyes were closed. (I always do that when I'm scared. I close my eyes. The logic behind this is that if I can't see trouble, then trouble won't be able to see me either.)

So I opened my eyes and looked out the window into our backyard. At first I could see nothing out of the ordinary.

Until I saw something shiny out of the corner of my one eye.

So I quickly brought the other eye into the same direction and focused.

It was a package wrapped in gleaming Christmas paper.

I scanned the rest of the yard to see if anything less pleasant than a Christmas present was lurking there, and then I dropped my teddy and bravely ran out to retrieve the package.

It wasn't ticking or anything, but the package was a bit worn and torn from all the falling and bouncing it had done, so I was still a bit reluctant to just grab it.

But then I said: "Oh, stuff it!" And I picked up the package, ran into the house, tore it open and beheld one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen...

To be conti... Okay, just kidding again.

It was a highly coveted Sonicare toothbrush.

And I was ecstatic.

The toothbrush and I are living... well, if not quite so happily ever after ('cause with my lack of coordination it is taking some getting used to... but that's another story for another time), so I should rather say that we are learning to live harmoniously together.

And yes, that is really the climax and resolution and ending of this very, very, VERY long story.

Sure, I could've simply written down that I had received a Sonicare toothbrush for Christmas and saved both of us a lot of time. But this was MUCH more fun.

Well, it was fun for me at least!

5 Comments

deeleea said:

All that for a toothbrush?

Hold me up!!!!

Hmmm, this from the chick whose best Christmas present this year was a towel...

Love, I think we need to get out more...

Airmatix said:

Flash and fall from the sky?!? Sounds like a stripper thrown from a plane if you ask me...

martha said:

I even read over a few sections because I was getting lost in the parentheses and the parenthetical statements... for a tooothbrush???? sigh.

Thanks red for making me laugh out loud so early in the morning...

MJ said:

I think I got lost somewhere in all the parentheses...does someone have a CLIFF NOTES version of this novel?!

amy t. said:

No presents for the cops? That would explain the lump of coal up that officer's butt who pulled over me and Best Friend on our way out of Baltimore and gave us three stinking citations.

Stupid Tooth Fairy, causing all that ruckus!

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • amy t. : No presents for the cops? That would explain the lump of coal up that officer's butt who pulled over... [go]
  • MJ : I think I got lost somewhere in all the parentheses...does someone have a CLIFF NOTES version of thi... [go]
  • martha : I even read over a few sections because I was getting lost in the parentheses and the parenthetical ... [go]
  • Airmatix : Flash and fall from the sky?!? Sounds like a stripper thrown from a plane if you ask me...... [go]
  • deeleea : All that for a toothbrush? Hold me up!!!! Hmmm, this from the chick whose best Christmas present t... [go]
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