If the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L could sing
After months of being
largely ignored studied intensively yet from a safe distance, I'm releasing the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L from laundry drying duties and... sit down for this and clutch your trembling heart...
re-employing it to do what it is intended to do under D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L law, which is:
To make me Suffer.
But before I allow it to make me do unspeakable things like getting up and ... oh, the mere thought makes me ill... actually MOVING, I'm taking some time to make necessary preparations (like lying down and hoping that the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L will spontaneously combust). Besides, no need to rush impulsively into such serious undertakings, especially not if it can kill you, right? RIGHT?
Anyway, so before I can burn the fat (and kids, there's a reason why they say "BURN" the fat... But trust me, as someone who's suffered a real burn wound, the pain caused by exercise IS WORSE), I need to burn some CDs first. CDs containing tunes so inspirational that it will not only make me WANT to run (hey, I can fantasize!), but that will just magically give me the stamina of a Kenyan outrunning a Serengeti lion up Mt. Kilimanjaro. (Why did you THINK the Kenyans always win all the marathons?)
So as you can tell, this business of picking just the right songs is also very serious. It requires lots of time and dedication.
First I have to go through the entire CD collection. Then I have to listen to every song on every CD in order to find out which ones are too slow and which ones are upbeat enough to inspire me to perspire.
After weeding out the ballads, I have to rip the final selections to the pc. Before I do this, I listen to my choices a few times more to see if they still cause me to break out in voluntary twitches and convulsions (I told you not everyone from Africa has rhythm!). If upon second hearing of a song my leg still shakes, then I know the tune is a definite keeper.
You'll probably agree that this is a lengthy and time-consuming process, so it might take many more months (
hopefully maybe even years) before the Soundtrack for the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L is completed.
I've already listened to thousands of tunes. And it recently occurred to me that if the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L could serenade me or compile this soundtrack, the discography would probably look a little like this (and my apologies to the original song writers for warping some of the titles a bit. My D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L apparently thinks it's Weird Al Yankovic):
A gleeful and sinister "Girl I'm Gonna Make You Sweat" based on the groovy yet vile "Sweat" by Inner Circle.
"Stupid Girl (For Getting So Fat)" based on the Garbage song by the first part of the title.
"And You WILL Walk 500 Miles Right Now Simply Because I'm Making You" based on "500 Miles" by The Proclaimers. (Complete with the Scottish accent, Amy.)
"Your Body Is NOT A Wonderland But If You Keep This Up For An Hour Every Day Five Times A Day For The Rest Of Your Life It MIGHT Resemble Something Close To, If Not Exactly A Wonderland, Then At Least An Amusement Park." Yes, my D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L is a tad verbose. He (of COURSE it's a "he" - only a "he" can be this obnoxious. And yes, I know I called him an it before, but let's not nitpick, shall we?) clearly didn't get it from me. Anyway, so that ditty is based on the song "Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Meyer (or is it Mayer? I'm too lazy to hunt for the CD cover right now to check the spelling).
"Hey, UNsexy Lady" inspired by a Shaggy tune of a similar title.
It's enough to make me want to smother the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L with laundry all over again!
So, kind and gentle readers, do you have any inspirational song suggestions for my D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L Soundtrack? Please share in the comments! (But no rush, REALLY!)
Or you can
The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)
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