If the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L could sing

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After months of being largely ignored studied intensively yet from a safe distance, I'm releasing the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L from laundry drying duties and... sit down for this and clutch your trembling heart...

re-employing it to do what it is intended to do under D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L law, which is:

To make me Suffer.

But before I allow it to make me do unspeakable things like getting up and ... oh, the mere thought makes me ill... actually MOVING, I'm taking some time to make necessary preparations (like lying down and hoping that the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L will spontaneously combust). Besides, no need to rush impulsively into such serious undertakings, especially not if it can kill you, right? RIGHT?

Anyway, so before I can burn the fat (and kids, there's a reason why they say "BURN" the fat... But trust me, as someone who's suffered a real burn wound, the pain caused by exercise IS WORSE), I need to burn some CDs first. CDs containing tunes so inspirational that it will not only make me WANT to run (hey, I can fantasize!), but that will just magically give me the stamina of a Kenyan outrunning a Serengeti lion up Mt. Kilimanjaro. (Why did you THINK the Kenyans always win all the marathons?)

So as you can tell, this business of picking just the right songs is also very serious. It requires lots of time and dedication.

First I have to go through the entire CD collection. Then I have to listen to every song on every CD in order to find out which ones are too slow and which ones are upbeat enough to inspire me to perspire.

After weeding out the ballads, I have to rip the final selections to the pc. Before I do this, I listen to my choices a few times more to see if they still cause me to break out in voluntary twitches and convulsions (I told you not everyone from Africa has rhythm!). If upon second hearing of a song my leg still shakes, then I know the tune is a definite keeper.

You'll probably agree that this is a lengthy and time-consuming process, so it might take many more months (hopefully maybe even years) before the Soundtrack for the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L is completed.

I've already listened to thousands of tunes. And it recently occurred to me that if the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L could serenade me or compile this soundtrack, the discography would probably look a little like this (and my apologies to the original song writers for warping some of the titles a bit. My D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L apparently thinks it's Weird Al Yankovic):

A gleeful and sinister "Girl I'm Gonna Make You Sweat" based on the groovy yet vile "Sweat" by Inner Circle.

"Stupid Girl (For Getting So Fat)" based on the Garbage song by the first part of the title.

"And You WILL Walk 500 Miles Right Now Simply Because I'm Making You" based on "500 Miles" by The Proclaimers. (Complete with the Scottish accent, Amy.)

"Your Body Is NOT A Wonderland But If You Keep This Up For An Hour Every Day Five Times A Day For The Rest Of Your Life It MIGHT Resemble Something Close To, If Not Exactly A Wonderland, Then At Least An Amusement Park." Yes, my D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L is a tad verbose. He (of COURSE it's a "he" - only a "he" can be this obnoxious. And yes, I know I called him an it before, but let's not nitpick, shall we?) clearly didn't get it from me. Anyway, so that ditty is based on the song "Your Body Is A Wonderland" by John Meyer (or is it Mayer? I'm too lazy to hunt for the CD cover right now to check the spelling).

"Hey, UNsexy Lady" inspired by a Shaggy tune of a similar title.

It's enough to make me want to smother the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L with laundry all over again!

So, kind and gentle readers, do you have any inspirational song suggestions for my D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L Soundtrack? Please share in the comments! (But no rush, REALLY!)

9 Comments

martha said:

just skimming through my list I found a couple to recommend. not that I've exercised to them but....

What have you done for me lately - janet jackson (perhaps your response to the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L - wow, that's a pain to type)

Sex-O-Matic Venus Freak - Macy Gray (this is what you'll be if you actually get the laundry off the dreadmill...)

(You Drive Me) Crazy - Britney Spears (self-explanatory, no?)

Groove is in the Heart - Deee-Lite

and many many more. Wow, does planning your exercise cds count as exercise for me? I think it should.

miked said:

you can always go with the rocky anthem... eye of the tiger?

or "I Will Survive (the apparent heart attack induced by exercise)

either or, you can't go wrong. Good luck, and god speed.

martha said:

ooo what about every little thing she does is magic by the police?

zalary said:

you might also try http://nikewomen.nike.com/nikewomen/us/index.jhtml -- they have new downloadable workout music a few times a year (maybe monthly?)

workout music is a picky, sticky thing though. good luck! :)

Annika said:

I may not be the right person to ask, since I do not own a D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L or ever intend to ever you just couldn't pay me to, but I will tell you what I believe I would do in your situation:

Turn on the television, watch The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert, and learn a valuable lesson about Just Being Me, while singing loudly and dancing badly (but not strenuously).

Obviously, this plan is missing one item (the you-know-what), but like I said, I may not be your girl here.

Airmatix said:

I reckon the best is to listen to "You're the one for me... fatty" by Van Morrison - and continue believing that there's someone out there who just want the slightly larger version. Why do you think people supersize their meals?!?

Helen said:

I like:

Single by Natasha Bedingfield

Lose Yourself by Eminem

Whisper by Evanescence

Dude, I have this craptaculr treadmill business to a fine art. I have the thing, but admit my ass needs to keep getting in shape.

Annika said:

"You're the One For Me Fatty" is by Morrissey. And is a brilliant suggestion.

syd said:

I'm rocking and rolling to "what you waiting for" by G.Stephani, and "4 my people" by M. Elliot.

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • syd : I'm rocking and rolling to "what you waiting for" by G.Stephani, and "4 my people" by M. Elliot.... [go]
  • Annika : "You're the One For Me Fatty" is by Morrissey. And is a brilliant suggestion.... [go]
  • Helen : I like: Single by Natasha Bedingfield Lose Yourself by Eminem Whisper by Evanescence Dude, I hav... [go]
  • Airmatix : I reckon the best is to listen to "You're the one for me... fatty" by Van Morrison - and continue be... [go]
  • Annika : I may not be the right person to ask, since I do not own a D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L or ever intend to ever ... [go]
  • zalary : you might also try http://nikewomen.nike.com/nikewomen/us/index.jhtml -- they have new downloadable ... [go]
  • martha : ooo what about every little thing she does is magic by the police?... [go]
  • miked : you can always go with the rocky anthem... eye of the tiger? or "I Will Survive (the apparent heart... [go]
  • martha : just skimming through my list I found a couple to recommend. not that I've exercised to them but....... [go]
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