If you love me you'll send me hate mail

| | Comments (14)

Dear Phantom Readers,

Okay, so three of you are real (or spambots freakishly good at creative writing), because you comment regularly and say nice things to me and pretend to like what I write. (See why I suspect that you are not real?)

Thing is, I've been reading a lot of other blogs and online journals, and every once in a while, the authors of some of those sites disable their comments because of hate mail.

Now, don't get me wrong: I love the fact that the three comments I receive on a regular basis are always nice and funny and sunny and fill me up with fuzzy, uplifting feelings and build up my self-esteem.

But I have to admit that I'm a little bit jealous of those lucky recipients of hate mail.

I see it like this: If people take the time out to comment on your site (whether it be fluffy, fuzzy nice comments, funny comments or even hateful comments), they obviously care enough about your writing to take the trouble to leave you a few words.

Even if those words can't be repeated in polite company.

See my point?

So, this year, I want to be like those very popular recipients of hate mail.

Please help me make my dream come true! I am the perfect candidate for hate mail: I'm a pale, freckly redheaded immigrant (so if you're a Xenophobe or simply anti-immigration... what are you waiting for? Don't even finish reading this, just go straight to the comments and go for it!) and my posts are often times so lame that I really have no business of having a blog in the first place. I'm also clumsy, "dislecksick", lazy and I procrastinate. (And I grossly overuse parentheses.)

Go ahead, give it your best shot. (Please?)

Love,
Me.

P.S. Happy New Year to you all!

P.P.S. I didn't mean that! I didn't mean to be nice, so I take that back. Now, insult me!

(Please?)

14 Comments

kellen said:

red, you big jerk, you still haven't read the chapter i sent you and told me what you think about it. what are you, lazy or something?

;)

M said:

Ummmm.... you suck you no-place-to-go-on-new-year's-eve person. And you are over-paranthesed (sp?). So there!

PS
Happy New year!

Lessa said:

That's it! I've had enough! You bloody well better read this and read it good you tall pale freckly redheaded immigrant that overuses parenthesis to an extreme!

Happy New Year!

Damn. I tried to be mean - i did, really!
Maybe that can be my new years resolution! *shining grin*

kimberly said:

As someone that has received hate mail and been banned from another blog because of something I wrote ON MY OWN blog about something that had nothing to do with that person, I can say that hate mail stinks.

No matter what opinions are expressed on other sites I always respect their right to say it. It really peeves me that the "hate" happens.

The one thing that is different about me is that when that happens, I don't make a big deal about it. I ignore it. I think that p****s the person doing it off all the more. They don't get the payoff of being buzzed that I care. I get a bit of satisfication with that.

Just be yourself and I am sure there is some lunatic out there that will take offense with something you say someday. Then you will get your very first "hate" mail or comment. Until then, just enjoy all of your well-written pieces of spam!. ;)

TimT said:

A Crappy New Year to you too. :)

Annika said:

OK, I admit it: the real reason I turned off anonymous comments was to keep YOU away!

TimT said:

Aargh, no, I take it back. I just can't stand to insult a person. Much better to save the good insults up for celebrities and politicians.

A sappy New Year to you, I say!

jm said:

happy new year red!
jm

sphinx said:

I tried to think up a good mean coment but... no dice.

martha said:

i'm with sphinx. can't think of something mean at all...

but I'll think some more. I notice that Pylorns has somehow jumped Waaaaaaay ahead of me in comments... want some spam comments?

emily said:

Jeez. How fucking self absorbed and selfish can you be? As if having a blog and a great boyfriend and talent and all that shit wasn't enough, you've got to sit here and whine about your pathetic lack of hate mail. What an asshat loser.

As someone who has received her fair share of hate mail I feel that I am especially qualified to put you in your place. Yeah, that's right. I said it. I'm gonna put you in your place you... you... funny talking, ghostly pale, freakishly freckled, coffee addict! Why don't you go and try to learn how to make a coffee table out of matches or something instead of wasting our precious time with this stupid, childish crap? Huh? of just go back to South Africa! We already have Charlize and we don't need anymore of you jackasses crowding up our streets with your bad driving and horrible attempts at acting.

P.S. Happy New Year, babe.
P.P.S. If you really want hate mail, just express an opinion. Any opinion will do.

kat said:

bwahaha! ok, um, taking you seriously...ahem...

quit making me laugh red. i hate laughing. it makes my stomach hurt. it's all your fault! burn in hell!

dah, i suck at fake hate mail. ho hum.

syd said:

I've only read you a handful of times so I can't possible give any insults as good as those that know you well, but i'll give it a shot. I hate red. Actually, I don't, it's one of my favorite colors. Okay, how about this, the red on your site looks orange. Geez, that's the best I can do. Happy New Year.

deeleea said:

Ahem...

Thank you for calling 1 800 I hate Red. All our operators are on other calls right now but if you select one of the standard hate mail generators from the options following we will only charge you $75.00 per minute for your call.

Press 1. For a simple "Red!... You suck"

Press 2. For the more expressive. "Red, if I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times, You suck"

Press 3. For more verbose option. "Red, You Suck, You Suck You Suck, You Suck, You Suck, You Suck, You Suck, You Suck, You Suck, You Suck, You Suck,

Press 4. for the who am I kidding? option."Red, love your work.... you appear to have way too much time on your hands... didn't you get any How to books for Christmas????"

Happy New Year...

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about
is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

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comments
  • deeleea : Ahem... Thank you for calling 1 800 I hate Red. All our operators are on other calls right now but... [go]
  • syd : I've only read you a handful of times so I can't possible give any insults as good as those that kno... [go]
  • kat : bwahaha! ok, um, taking you seriously...ahem... quit making me laugh red. i hate laughing. it makes... [go]
  • emily : Jeez. How fucking self absorbed and selfish can you be? As if having a blog and a great boyfriend ... [go]
  • martha : i'm with sphinx. can't think of something mean at all... but I'll think some more. I notice that P... [go]
  • sphinx : I tried to think up a good mean coment but... no dice.... [go]
  • jm : happy new year red! jm... [go]
  • TimT : Aargh, no, I take it back. I just can't stand to insult a person. Much better to save the good insul... [go]
  • Annika : OK, I admit it: the real reason I turned off anonymous comments was to keep YOU away!... [go]
  • TimT : A Crappy New Year to you too. :)... [go]
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