Eye Squared

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Prepare to stick me in the freak archives right now because of what I'm about to tell you:

In this early 21st Century year of 2005 AD the boy and I do not possess cable television. Or satellite. Or even TiVo.

But sit down and clutch your trembling heart, for it gets worse: We do not own any of those things BY CHOICE.

Do you wanna be shocked senseless some more? Well, then take THIS: We still use a dial-up modem (remember those, kids?) but that is NOT by choice.

Yes, indeed, I'm coming at ya from this side of the internet at the tremendous speed of about 00.01 kbps (if it's a good connection, I should add), but that is only because we haven't decided which high speed cable we want to zip through the world wide web with. (Actually, I think the boy is afraid that if he gets us high speed internet, he'll NEVER be able to pry this mouse and keyboard from my hands ever again! 'Cause as it is, I have to log off every once in a while in order to call him and tell him that I'm still alive. Yeah, remember the archaic concept of ONE PHONE LINE?)

Anyway, this is about how and why we're stuck (voluntarily, but still stuck!) with... shudder... network television. The boy wanted to get satellite, bless his aching heart, but I put my flat foot (yeah, it's really flat. I'm a medical freak marvel) down and said the one word despised by men the world over: NO.

But I cited wonderful reasons of course. I said: "There are books to be read, music to be listened to, dining room tables to be dined at, words to be spoken, dogs to be petted (albeit OTHER PEOPLE'S dogs... hint, HINT HIIIIIIIIIIINT!)..." and so forth.

So no cable, satellite or even TiVo. Only a Netflix subscription and N*E*T*W*O*R*K television.

Earlier this week, the boy was ailing, so he stayed home.

When he woke up, I was on the couch, glued to the Today Show. (But it's strictly for research. I want to determine once and for all whether Katie Couric is a robot, because I've never met a real person who is so bloody chirpy that early in the morning!)

He went back to sleep. When he woke up again, I was watching Regis & Kelly. (Don't judge. You would be too if you didn't have any other choices.)

He nodded off again. When he came to again, we had breakfast while Ellen was on.

Noon. Good Day Live on UPN. By now the boy is slowly catching on that I change the channel way too punctually for this to be a random occurrence.

Lunch. Click remote over to Brit Wit on PBS.

1:30 Bold & Beautiful (DON'T JUDGE!).

2pm More Brit Wit.

3pm Our resident shrink, the good Dr. Phil.

4pm Oprah, of course.

5pm News.

5:30pm BBC World News on PBS.

6pm Syndicated sitcom reruns. Several choices, for a change! There's a bit of vintage Will & Grace. Or King of Queens, if the mood should strike you.

At about 6:30pm, when I switched over to watch The Simpsons, boy said - nary a HINT of sarcasm in his tone - "You're right. We can't POSSIBLY get cable or satellite, because then you might just start watching television all the time and never read, or write, or blog, or ..."

You can attend his funeral at... just kidding.

6 Comments

kim said:

that's pretty funny. boy's a funny guy.. and does he have a point? ;o) but i have the TV on most the time i'm at home, too. even when i'm online or eating or cleaning -- just makes me feel like there's people around. also, i just have a modem at home as well -- 56k. probably wouldn't if i didn't have high speed access at work. how can you handle that???

pylorns said:

you better get that boy satalite !

martha said:

But does the boy not realize that you can blog and watch tv at the same time?

kat said:

my condolences. ;-)

the bf and i have taken to watching the high definition nature shows. (he got one of those hd widescreen tvs and they look so cool!) so we'll eat dinner and watch the life-cycle of snails some nights. and other nights we sit at the table.

network tv gets old pretty fast. sometimes i have to drag myself away from it when i'm feeling lazy. and other times it sucks me in (a bit like the internet.)

now, i'd go for the cable modem over cable tv anyday. what a life-saver that thing is!

Jessica said:

We have Tivo and are wireless so I can sit and check email as I skip commercials. Somehow I still find time to read... sleeping not so much.

Annika said:

We got rid of the network tv as well as everything else.

Now I just spend all of my time in front of the computer. SBC DSL.

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • Annika : We got rid of the network tv as well as everything else. Now I just spend all of my time in front o... [go]
  • Jessica : We have Tivo and are wireless so I can sit and check email as I skip commercials. Somehow I still fi... [go]
  • kat : my condolences. ;-) the bf and i have taken to watching the high definition nature shows. (he got o... [go]
  • martha : But does the boy not realize that you can blog and watch tv at the same time?... [go]
  • pylorns : you better get that boy satalite !... [go]
  • kim : that's pretty funny. boy's a funny guy.. and does he have a point? ;o) but i have the TV on most the... [go]
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