Five in Oh-Five

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First I thought it meant gain five pounds in 2005.

And I thought, well, I don't really think I ought to gain even MORE weight, but who am I to argue, especially if the numbers check out so perfectly? Besides, I have always fantasized about random strangers (usually handsome restaurateurs) running up to me, bearing offerings like towering cakes and other sweet delights, begging me to PLEASE feed my starving skeletal self and to put some meat on my ever-increasing, protruding bones.

I complied by promptly gaining five pounds in the first month of 2005 before realizing that the whole 05 in '05 campaign being waged all across the internet is about LOSING weight and getting more exercise.

Damnation. I should've known!

So now that the reality of what 05 in '05 REALLY means has sunk in, I am pleased to declare, on this Fat* Tuesday, that I should be counted in.

Therefore: Laissez les terribles D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L*S rouler!

'Cause yeah, even I can walk five steps per month! (And here you were almost thinking that I didn't really know what 05 in '05 meant!)

* Isn't "Fat" a bit of a harsh description in this day and age, even for Mardi Gras? I think we should campaign to call it Super Size Tuesday (can you imagine the marketing possibilities at fast food joints?) or Rubenesque Tuesday or curvaceous Tuesday or voluptuous Tuesday or...


martha said:

five steps? Is that all it is? i thought it was five stairs....

Bookstore Diva said:

Red Dahling,
Do you remember when I went on that diet & joined the gym. And started lusting after that Christian bodybuilder. Yes, I stopped drinking & I lost weight. I was suffering from temporary insanity also. I am happy to say that I have regained every pound plus some additional. My advice, avoid the dreadmill at all costs, it is not your friend. But alcohol amongst friends, now that's the beginning of a party.

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • Bookstore Diva : Red Dahling, Do you remember when I went on that diet & joined the gym. And started lusting after th... [go]
  • martha : five steps? Is that all it is? i thought it was five stairs....... [go]
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