Ransom Note

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Two of the gorgeous gals I was in the play with last year recently left their shoes at my house. Now, this wouldn't have been such a problem if my feet were oh... say... TEN SIZES SMALLER and SIX INCHES NARROWER!

As it is, these dainty lil' leather mules and shiny slingbacks with their stacked heels serve as a mocking reminder of just how abnormal I am! (See why I prefer how-to books over shoes? Books don't give my already-gnarly toes blisters. Books don't make me fall flat on my face. Well... unless I pile them up on the floor... but that's another story. But most importantly, books never make my big feet feel even bigger. Books don't mock me with their gorgeous covers only to humiliate me when I page through them. No, books never make me feel and look as if I have hippo feet!)

Today, I sent them this ransom note:

Girls,

I have your shoes. The ransom is a bottle of wine and yet another long evening in my company within the next week. Only then will they be returned to you, unscuffed.

Don't bother getting the American fashion police involved. Because once they find out that I'm from South Africa, it won't be difficult to convince them that the fact that I'm wearing any clothes at all (even if is ill-fitting factory rejects from the clearance racks at T.J. Maxx, Marshall's and Ross*) and not just prance around in my freckles and a few strategically placed animal skins, is a great personal accomplishment and a step towards civilization.

I know how precious these shoes are to you, but if you don't respond... well, let's just say that 'time wounds all heels'!

Regards,
Big Foot.

* I'm not implying that all the clothing from those stores are ill-fitting factory rejects. On my oddly-proportioned body, even clothing from the best boutiques in the world wouldn't fit, and unfortunately no designers specialize in Prêt à Porter clothing for a woman who is built like Humpty-Dumpty.

6 Comments

Helen said:

My size 10 feet will happily chill out with you, Big Foot, shold you ever be hanging out in barefoot wonderland.

anan said:

i used to think i was a demure 6 1/2, but now i can scarcely stuff me wedges into a size 8. It's a conspiracy, i tell you, and nothing to do with the fact that i've gained about a hundred pounds!

TimT said:

Size 13!

Speaking of feet, I used to speak with feet ... my brother's feet, that is. He called it 'foot' and we used to hold long conversations at the dinner table.

In this modern digital age, maybe it could start up a blog...

THE FOOT BLOG

Friday
;serfiosrthljsfgkljkladjrgfkl

Saturday
Hey, I don't mind the guy on the other side ... for a left foot, he isn't so bad. But the owner stepped in something today and hasn't cleaned it off yet, and he's been smelling all day.

Sunday
*Wonders* Cosmetic surgery can do wonders nowadays. Maybe I should consider being amputated, and starting off a life of my own, free of that smell old left foot...

Monday
I went and saw the doctor today. Arranged the amputation for Tuesday.

Tuesday
LIVE AMPUTATION BLOGGING
Hello, here I am in the doctor's surgery, ready for a spot of live amputationg blogging. I've got my laptop here ready for the moment and .... YEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWCH!

Wednesday
My foot hurts.
And considering my foot is all I have now, you'll understand if I'm a little late out of bed.

Thursday
I feel free! I feel liberated! I think I shall go out into the wide world and see what it has to offer for a foot freed of his bipedal constraints!

Friday
I miss my body.

END OF FOOT BLOG

Two days later, the foot was caught by police trying to stitch himself onto a nearby elephant. When asked what he was doing, he said he was just looking for 'some-body to cling on to'.

Airmatix said:

What I'd like to know, is how do you FORGET your shoes at someone's house? Surely you notice the snow under your tootsies when you leave the house, and go: "Egad! I seem to have forgotten my shoes." Or something similar.

Astounding, I tell you. What else have people "forgotten" at your place? Limbs? Children? Millions of Dollars? The name of the next pope? Little things like that, I expect...

Red Dahling,
First, I'm glad your back. I believe that the average woman's foot is somewhere between a 9 or 10. Because when I go to buy shoes all of the good shoes are taken in my size. 9 (1/2) wide on a good day. A 10 on every other day. I think it is a conspiracy to have women believe that some one actually has a foot smaller than an 8.

frugal said:

hey hey hey I love TJ Maxx and Marshalls:( I'm a south african girl who finds department stores oh so boring, and boutiques a wee bit pretentious and overpriced. But I guess you're right, by my being african it may be "acceptable and forgivable" that I like these stores. Anyway, I never like Edgars and such growing up.

Oh and yeah, how do people forget their shoes at your house?

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about
is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

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comments
  • frugal : hey hey hey I love TJ Maxx and Marshalls:( I'm a south african girl who finds department stores oh... [go]
  • bookstorediva : Red Dahling, First, I'm glad your back. I believe that the average woman's foot is somewhere between... [go]
  • Airmatix : What I'd like to know, is how do you FORGET your shoes at someone's house? Surely you notice the sno... [go]
  • TimT : Size 13! Speaking of feet, I used to speak with feet ... my brother's feet, that is. He called it '... [go]
  • anan : i used to think i was a demure 6 1/2, but now i can scarcely stuff me wedges into a size 8. It's a c... [go]
  • Helen : My size 10 feet will happily chill out with you, Big Foot, shold you ever be hanging out in barefoot... [go]
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