Weekend Sports Philosophy

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A few nights ago one of my favourite television shows was pre-empted because of a college lacrosse match.

Disbelieving and furious, I simply stared at the television screen for a while.

"Don't these inconsiderate, money-hungry television networks realise that some of us DEPEND on the nightly television line-up in order to know what day of the week it is?" I asked the boy.

Luckily he had the good sense to catch on that this was a rhetorical question, so he just gave me a sympathetic pat on the shoulder. I think he was tempted to offer the suggestion that if I didn't like it I could always change the channel, but his years of in the relationship training must've sparked a memory of an earlier lesson, because he wisely remained quiet instead.

And so we continued to stare at the lacrosse game for a little while longer.

It didn't even amuse me as it normally does to see a bunch of people running around whilst swatting at a ball (and, often, at other players) with something resembling a butterfly net fastened to the end of a long stick.

You see, until my arrival here in the States a few years ago, I had never even heard of lacrosse before. And that's rather remarkable, because as you'll recall (or not... the readers of that particular newspaper certainly don't want to remember. It's too traumatic for them!), some time in my youth I actually worked as a sports reporter (which is also remarkable, since I've never been able to grasp why on earth people would physically exert themselves for any reason. Now, with the gazillion dollar salaries some of the pro athletes make here in the States I KIND of get it, but I'd still advise them to rather stay on the couch and marry rich or just learn to require less of life) and during that time I thought I'd covered all the different sports in existence: from archery to zebra racing.

(Have I confused you enough with all of the asides in parentheses? No? Don't despair. This piece isn't over yet!)

Thus we continued to stare at the lacrosse game in silence. (Yes, our lives are just too exciting for words!)

Until I asked the boy: "Is lacrosse a preppy sport?"

"Yes, mostly."

"Why? I mean, the equipment used can't be all that expensive, and if it is, then people are just being ripped off. "

He shrugged, and in that moment I realised two things:

1) Whilst we had been staring at the television screen, the boy had become interested in the outcome of the match; and

2) A possible theory as to why a game like lacrosse appealed to the wealthier set.

I decided to share my logical reasoning with the boy.

"I know why! It's because of the sticks!"

He tore his eyes from the screen just to look at me blankly. Good, now I knew that he was at least pretending to be listening to me.

"Yes! I'm telling you! The sticks! Think about it: Tennis, polo, golf, lacrosse, badminton, squash. What do they all have in common?"

I didn't wait for an answer, because my women's intuition told me that I wasn't going to get one anyway.

"Sticks, balls and rich people. And do you know WHY?"

Another blank look.

"Come on!" I yelled, a little too excitedly. "It's clear as day!"

Another slightly puzzled look from the boy. The look that silently says what he won't ever dare asking out loud: "Woman, WHAT are you going on about?"

Of course, his silence only fuelled my enthusiasm even more, and in a barely contained frenzy, I screamed:

"RICH PEOPLE LIKE TO PLAY THOSE GAMES BECAUSE THEY DON'T WANT TO TOUCH THEIR OWN BALLS!"

8 Comments

Gretchen said:

Ah Ha! The secret is out. So then, please explain football, where men like to touch other men's balls.

Red Dahling,
You are absolutely insane. Believe it or not, I played Lacrosse in highschool. I contantly got hit in the head by falling balls. And once I was thrown out of a game for picking up the ball with my hands, instead of using my stick.

deeleea said:

A ball in the hand is worth two in the nets...

oops... I was going to say that you've hit the nail on the head... or rather the ball, with stick. it must be true.
yes. but I don't know about football.

pylorns said:

Actually Lacrosse comes from the Native American Indians. Rich people stole the game from them. Indian games were actually quite violent and had injuries and death.

kat said:

ha! gosh darnit, i think you've got it!!

i hope your boy appreciated your fine deduction. ;-)

p.s. your spam police won't let me leave my webpage because of the arrangement of letters. ah well.

kim said:

you probably really have a point there. i never thought of it that way. but i've never seen a lacrosse-game before either. now, what about rich women? is it because they don't get to touch .......? hmm.. ;o)

food junkie said:

Balsy comment girl!!! Just hope none of those rich stickies reads this, cause it rings so true they might just sue!!! (poetic aint it?)

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • food junkie : Balsy comment girl!!! Just hope none of those rich stickies reads this, cause it rings so true they ... [go]
  • kim : you probably really have a point there. i never thought of it that way. but i've never seen a lacros... [go]
  • kat : ha! gosh darnit, i think you've got it!! i hope your boy appreciated your fine deduction. ;-) p.s... [go]
  • pylorns : Actually Lacrosse comes from the Native American Indians. Rich people stole the game from them. In... [go]
  • vit 'n' madge : oops... I was going to say that you've hit the nail on the head... or rather the ball, with stick. ... [go]
  • deeleea : A ball in the hand is worth two in the nets...... [go]
  • bookstorediva : Red Dahling, You are absolutely insane. Believe it or not, I played Lacrosse in highschool. I contan... [go]
  • Gretchen : Ah Ha! The secret is out. So then, please explain football, where men like to touch other men's ba... [go]
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