I don't want to be that slacking slasher your mom's always warned you about

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Sorry that I haven't written in a while.

I'm still basking in the glow of receiving an e-mail from a 2005 PULITZER PRIZE WINNER!!!!

Yeah, Connie Schultz and I, we've become thisclose.

WHADOYOUMEAN has she replied to my e-mail yet? Let's not get bogged down by such technicalities, okay? I'm sure we, this blog and I, have been dominating her mind ever since last Saturday.

Besides, I'm sure she's busy.

Walking her dog.

Or giving a speech.

Or writing a column.

Or spending the $10,000 Pulitzer Prize money.

Or out of town.

Or... something.

I'm sure many of you would advise me to stop waiting by the computer, my knuckles white from grasping onto the mouse and clicking on 'Refresh' every five seconds to see if I have a new e-mail. From her.

Some of you might even suggest that I should concentrate on my own writing instead, so that I can maybe win my own Pulitzer Prize one day. Only problem with that suggestion is that, in order to win... or even be ELIGIBLE for a Pulitzer Prize, one actually has to have some talent, you see. And a paying job as a reporter. Or one has to be a published author. Which will require one to be an American citizen. Or at least be a holder of a precious Green Card. And well, we all know that I sadly lack possession of any and all of the above.

You know, all of this has made me think (remarkable that!) about my job prospects and about what to do with my life.

Should I worry that I'm already 30 and don't have it together yet? (Don't bother replying unless your answer is going to be a resounding and reassuring "No, of COURSE you don't have to worry, Red.") I mean, I love the Grandma Moses success story as much as anyone, and although I am quite patient, I really don't want to have to wait quite THAT long to find my destiny.

I can't sell myself. So even if I had wanted to be one (and just so we're clear, I don't), that means even the world's oldest profession is out of the question. I also don't have stamina.

I've always fancied myself to be a bit of a slasher. You know, a slasher? Like so many rich Hollywood types who describe themselves as actors SLASH directors SLASH writers... (But many of them have the wealth and Academy Awards to back up their slasher claims.)

Although, sadly, my type of slashing is probably more similar to those street hustlers you meet who, if you'd ask them what they do for a living (merely to make conversation and NOT to insinuate anything while you fumble for the small change they've just begged from you) would tell you something like: "I guess you can say I'm a musician SLASH beat poet SLASH dancer."

Not to bash those latter types of slashers, but they're just the types that your mom has always warned you about.

And I don't want to be that person your mom has always warned you about.

So, dear readers, what do YOU think I should do for a living?

P.S. And, once you've told me what I should do for a living, I'll use her brilliant cover letter to apply for whatever job it is.

6 Comments

Annika said:

I don't know what to do either! I'm trying to be a journalist but so far I am floundering a bit. Also, I have no qualifications and will probably be exposed as a fraud pretty soon.

I also write fiction, but everybody knows you can't make any money doing that.

So apparently I can just advise you to not be me.

Or something like that.

miked said:

Professional Mini Golfer?

Unicorn Wrangler?

This list is endless! Actually I have no real suggestions for ya... 'cept follow that heart of yours. (if you do not have a heart you can obtain one at your local butcher)

Now that that's out of the way, what's all this talk about slashers bein' a bad thing? Well okay, some slashers are bad, like the kind in horror films but the / type? C'mon Red, we're not all bad... or am I bad? Do mothers really warn their young about slashers?

martha said:

Oooh unicorn Wrangler... yeah.

I don't really have any good suggestions for work right now... ummm... nope, nothing there...

Red Dahling,
I thought you were talking about being a SLACKER.
I was thinking what's wrong with being a slacker. Hell, I'm a slacker and proud of it. Don't go looking for a job,unless it totally can't be avoided. Hey you could be a movie or food critic. Now those are great slacker type jobs.

food junkie said:

Work is for people who can not afford to do nothing.
Totally overrated. It takes so much more courage, self discipline and imagination to be a
doing-nothinger.
Who wants to be somebody or famous or rich? Only the ultra insecure!!! And let's face it Red, you are everything but that!!!
If this is still of no consolation, you can always make happiness your profession. There is a world shortage of those guys. Vat so sussie!!!

pylorns said:

Hmm. There is always the glorios job of Sanitation Engineer. I hear they take illegal aliens.

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • pylorns : Hmm. There is always the glorios job of Sanitation Engineer. I hear they take illegal aliens.... [go]
  • food junkie : Work is for people who can not afford to do nothing. Totally overrated. It takes so much more courag... [go]
  • bookstorediva : Red Dahling, I thought you were talking about being a SLACKER. I was thinking what's wrong with bei... [go]
  • martha : Oooh unicorn Wrangler... yeah. I don't really have any good suggestions for work right now... ummm.... [go]
  • miked : Professional Mini Golfer? Unicorn Wrangler? This list is endless! Actually I have no real suggesti... [go]
  • Annika : I don't know what to do either! I'm trying to be a journalist but so far I am floundering a bit. Als... [go]
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