The hair is still red, the complexion still too white for my own liking, but now I'm beginning to feel very blue

| | Comments (25)

July 4th, 2005

Dear United States of America,

Hello again. It's me, Red. The last time I wrote to you was exactly one year ago, when I wished you a Happy Independence Day and asked you very nicely for a Green Card (which is actually pink).

Well, now another year has gone by (so again, I wish you a Happy Independence Day) and I still haven't received the Green Card, which brings the total amount of time I've been waiting to four years now.


That translates into 28 dog years.

That's from one leap year to the next.

That's one presidential term.

That's longer than some people stay married.

That's enough time for newborns to grow into toddlers with motor skills and language skills and in some cases, even enough attitude to drive their parents crazy.

Enough time for young adults to go from high school grads to college grads.

In the four years I've been waiting, skyscrapers have been built, wars have been fought, governments have been overthrown.

Now I'm finally starting to believe that maybe you don't want me here.

But before I give up, I've decided to take a poll amongst your people (but since I need all the encouragement I can get, from non-American people as well. Since yours is a nation of immigrants, that'll be okay with you, won't it?).

I want them to decide whether they think I'm ready to receive a Green Card.

If they think I am, I'm asking them to please just say yes in the comments. You know, like a real petition. They're welcome to add any additional thoughts they might have, but a plain and simple and yet very profound 'yes' will do.

I shall leave this petition up in a "sticky entry" on my blog until the end of this month, and then I'll send it to your government.

Thank you.

Respectfully Yours,


P.S. Updated postings continue below this entry.


Bear said:

Absolutely YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Miked said:

To whom it may concern,

Hey US. Gov't, remember me? I lived in your country for one full year... legally able to work. Don't remember? I was the guy with the shaved head...

Okay, now that I jogged your memory, please allow Red the same privileges I was granted. If you're willing to take someone like me, you surely can take someone like Red. She has amazing writing skills, her Pulitzer award-winning hero told her so! America needs Red... I was just saying to myself the other day. America would be perfect if it only had a South African journalist who resided in Maryland. As luck would have it, you've had red for many years. So it's simple, just give her that pink card!

Yours truly,

Self Appointed Media Relations Guru for the Red Campaign

deeleea said:

Oh Yes... but if that doesn't work I can send a letter to Prime Minister Howard asking if he will let you in to Australia.

I think that would be cool

Red Dahling,
The Diva has spoken.
Is there anything that we can do to help the process
along? Call our Congressman ? Stage a sit in? Shake someone down? You let me know. I'm there for you.

kim said:

definetely YES!! [i still don't quite understand why you don't marry the boy, but that's really none of my business] ;o)

emily said:

Give the girl a card already!

zippy said:

Yes, green card for Red!

TimT said:


And hurry up about it, America!

Red Dahling,
See I'm not the only one that thinks that you should marry the boy. A Christmas wedding would be nice. Am I being pushy? I know it's none of my business either. Ok, I'll start my letter to my congressman & refuse to pay my taxes,like everyone else. Hey we could write to the NAACP.
Maybe they could take up your cause. After all you are from Africa. And you said it yourself you would a true African American.

Natalie said:

Yes! We want Red! We want Red!

mice said:

I will create a test for you on miceland. My decision will be based on your score.

martha said:

yes, yes of course.

mikey said:

maybe if you declared yourself a staunch Republican and conservative Christian, that might speed up the process?

MarkD said:

Marry the guy. Heck, my wife married me and she got her green card. It really does work, and since it lasted 28 years and counting, it can't be all bad. Of course, her native language isn't English, so I might have gotten a pass...

Natalie said:

Dear Gentlepersons of the U.S. Government,
I am quite honored to be a native American citizen. When observing foreign affairs in the news media, I realize that I am in an enviable position, having been born in arguably the most powerful, beautiful, liberated, amazing, wonderful, incredible, downright enviable country in the whole wide wide wide wide wide world.

Now that I've buttered you up, please allow Red to be a legal permanent citizen of our magnificent country. We have toothless hillbillies in Appalachia who we allow to live here freely, who aren't contributing anything to our society! Why shouldn't we welcome an intelligent, articulate, and eloquent young lady into our ranks, who will surely enrich the social fiber by simply existing within our borders?

And by the way, if Red doesn't get a (pink) green card, I will vote for either Nader or Sharpton in the next presidential election. Don't make me go there.

Natalie, registered voter, Cleveland, OH

Don said:


pylorns said:

you dont need no stinking green card....

Linda said:

Red is most definitely ready! Get to work, U.S.

Mark said:

Red gets my vote for citizenship! Red - thanks for coming by. I will be linking you ASAP. Best, M

holley said:

I haven't met a South African emigre yet that hasn't contributed very nicely to our society. The US clearly doesn't know a good thing when it sees one. Sign me up for a Red For Resident Alien T-shirt.

Onanymous said:

Definitely yes!

lisa said:

yes! but Canada is much nicer... you could come here!

kat said:

I want you here!!

Please let this lovely, talented, intelligent, funny girl have her green card!!

Boertjie said:

Man stuur haar terug. Ons gaat een van die dae uithardloop uit boerenooientjies hier as almal so land uit vlug :-)

Hopelik kan Uncle Sam nie Afrikaans lees nie.

I would recommend to you to shut...

Leave a comment

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • Semen Prostyakov : I would recommend to you to shut...... [go]
  • Boertjie : Man stuur haar terug. Ons gaat een van die dae uithardloop uit boerenooientjies hier as almal so la... [go]
  • kat : I want you here!! Please let this lovely, talented, intelligent, funny girl have her green card!!... [go]
  • lisa : yes! but Canada is much nicer... you could come here!... [go]
  • Onanymous : Definitely yes!... [go]
  • holley : I haven't met a South African emigre yet that hasn't contributed very nicely to our society. The US... [go]
  • Mark : Red gets my vote for citizenship! Red - thanks for coming by. I will be linking you ASAP. Best, M... [go]
  • Linda : Red is most definitely ready! Get to work, U.S.... [go]
  • pylorns : you dont need no stinking green card....... [go]
  • Don : YES!!!... [go]
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