Screwed

| | Comments (18)

That would be what I am right around now... screwed.

And it's all mostly thanks to Ikea.

You see, it's now 3:50 AM on the east coast of the U.S., and as we are speaking, my sister is hurtling through the sky at... well, I'm too tired/lazy to know or look up how fast those South African Scareways planes fly across the Atlantic.

In any case, she'll be here in just a few hours, and I AM STILL PUTTING HER BEDROOM FURNITURE TOGETHER!

Oh, damn those Swedes and their Swedish efficiency! (I don't think I have Swedes among my three/four or now sometimes five (FIVE!) readers, but if I do... my gross generalisation excludes YOU of course!)

"Well, Red", I hear you murmur. "Why are you still putting her furniture together at this late stage?"

Oh, my dear readers, how little ye seem to recall of my awful habits! Don't you remember that I was born two weeks early (on this very day, in fact) and that I've since tried my damnest to catch up on all that leisure time in the womb that I'd missed out on by being 14 days early?

Well, I still haven't caught up on the lost sleep, that's why I might seem a bit slow to the rest of the world.

Anyway, back to those Swedes and their proudest export: their Ikea stores and its chirpy, do-it-yourself wares.

I've never claimed to like DIY projects. How-to books, yes, but that's entirely different.

Now look, I'll admit that I'm no novice to Ikea's furniture. I've been on a first-name basis with a few chairs named Jors (or was it Hork? I forget. Besides, after a while they all blur together in one's memory. A bit like ex-boyfriends, I suppose. Although I'll be quick to assure you that some of Ikea's chairs have more personality and spunk than a few of those boyfriends ever had!)

But still, tonight a friend and I were almost defeated by a bed named Malm. So we've decided that the Swedes definitely need more sun. They MUST be deprived of much needed oxygen or some essential vitamins during their dark, long winters.

Why else would they insist on explaining how you should put their furniture together by printing a manual without a single word in it? (Well, no words except for the name of your particular purchase. I think they're very proud of the fact that they pay someone to name their furniture.) Seriously, their instruction booklets are like the printed equivalent of charades. That is, if you are playing charades and you are the only sober person in the room.

I'll admit that they do a good job in their pictorial instructions, because most of the time it's relatively easy to decipher. But this time I was almost stumped, courtesy of two little pictures. One picture showed you the correct way of putting some parts together. Right next to it was the picture with the big X through it, telling you how NOT to put it together under any circumstances!

It looked EXACTLY the same as the other picture. (I'll provide evidence a bit later.)

Anyway, thanks to my very clever and capable friend, Malm is now standing, waiting patiently to provide comfort and rest to my jet-lagged sister.

And I'm happy to report that I don't have a single screw loose anymore!

Which is great news, especially considering that I'm older today than I have EVER been before.

18 Comments

Michelle said:

Happy Birthday! I'm starting to think it's a GOOD thing we don't have Ikea in South Africa, although I've wished we did in the very recent past... :)

Albie said:

Greetings from Cape Town. Really enjoy your blog - you'll have to up the readership by another one!

Cheers
Albie

emily said:

Happy Birthday!

Beth said:

Have the happiest of birthdays! It's good to know that you can win in the battle with the Swedish furniture.

Lovin' the new skin, btw.

kim said:

OH, are you saying today's your BIRTHDAY??? HAPPY BIRTHDAY RED! to an awesome, great new year and lots of love, fun and greencards ;) *big b-day hug*

PS: the putting together is part of the IKEA-concept and fun, people. don't you get it??

have a GREAT time with your sister and i suppose we're gonna have to still be patient waiting for THAT NANNY-SAGA TO BE CONTINUED now that you have family over... *sigh*

Lisa said:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DARLING!!!!!

I didn't realise your birthday was the day before mine! We must go book shopping one of these days!

I hope you have a WONDERFUL day, sweetie!

Annika said:

Yay Birthday! Yay new birthday layout! Yay IKEA instructions!

Sweety said:

Happy birthday!!!!

What better way to spend a special day like that, than playing with IKEA furniture? ;))

TimT said:

Well, happy birthday, from a fellow net nerd!

kat said:

happy, happy birthday dear red!! xoxoxoxo

kerri said:

Happy birthday to YOU!

Enjoy your day Red!

(By the way, I too dig the new digs.)

Red Dahling,
Happy,Happy,Joy, Joy!!!!!!!
Birthday Drinks are on me. And Lets's make it real so. I'm thirsty.

PS. Damn those Swedes and the whole do it yourself thing. Women shouldn't be putting furniture together. That's just crazy talk. That's what men are for.

ensurt said:

happy, happy birthday, RED!! I love it when my sister comes to visit, transatlantic flight and jet lag, I have been there.

Katie said:

Right now I'm staring at 8 half put together Egon dining room chairs from IKEA (I go to the College Park one). Evil Swedes! (Autumn sent me)

Happy Birthday and enjoy your visit with your sister!

mice said:

I am a sucker for the IKEA. I understand he is more wealthy than Bill Gates now. Bastard.

Anna said:

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I will admit I do love IKEA, I go whenever I can...mostly becuase it reminds me of how nice my house COULD be! I usually make one purchase everytime I go, but of he already in one piece variety!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGIAN!

Watookal said:

Red,
Your sis is hot and off-course, like you a GREAT personality! Get back from NY and write some more, like the new digs.
Mooi bly poplap!

Lisa said:

Hi, if you have MSN please add me and help me put my Malm together!!! I've been searching for further instructions online and all I find are horror stories.

Leave a comment




















about
is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

online


comments
  • Lisa : Hi, if you have MSN please add me and help me put my Malm together!!! I've been searching for furthe... [go]
  • Watookal : Red, Your sis is hot and off-course, like you a GREAT personality! Get back from NY and write some m... [go]
  • Anna : HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I will admit I do love IKEA, I go whenever I can...mostly becuase it reminds me of ... [go]
  • mice : I am a sucker for the IKEA. I understand he is more wealthy than Bill Gates now. Bastard.... [go]
  • Katie : Right now I'm staring at 8 half put together Egon dining room chairs from IKEA (I go to the College ... [go]
  • ensurt : happy, happy birthday, RED!! I love it when my sister comes to visit, transatlantic flight and jet ... [go]
  • bookstorediva : Red Dahling, Happy,Happy,Joy, Joy!!!!!!! Birthday Drinks are on me. And Lets's make it real so. I'm ... [go]
  • kerri : Happy birthday to YOU! Enjoy your day Red! (By the way, I too dig the new digs.)... [go]
  • kat : happy, happy birthday dear red!! xoxoxoxo... [go]
  • TimT : Well, happy birthday, from a fellow net nerd!... [go]
top commenters
archives
archive by category

links
credits
winner of
I won this blog!

winner of best writing
sablog2005-winnerbut.gif

retro dots skin designed with care by


liberty belle skin designed with care by


hosted with love by
Blogomania

script assistance by
scriptygoddess
MT Blacklist


one reader and counting... by




Locations of visitors to this page
with these rings, I thee join


Blog Baltimore




Next
Random
List
Join



South Africa's Top Sites
South African Blog Top Sites

I shmaak SA Blogs, sorted with Amatomu.com

Afrigator

Geolocalisation des internautes

Copyright belongs to the author (ha ha! She called herself an author!) of this website.