November 2005 Archives

If you've ever made the mistake of reading this blog, or the even bigger mistake of encouraging me further by commenting on this blog, then expect an unsolicited e-mail from me with a rather secretive (but hopefully it will tempt you into reading the e-mail) subject title of: Redsaid's Big News.

Please don't delete me! I promise I'm not spam. I might be a ham, I am, but I am DEFINITELY not spam, ma'am. (And in the name of political correctness and all that... sir. Even though it messes up my rhyme.)

Now go check your inbox. Or if there's nothing yet, wait for it. And if I've omitted someone, please let me know.


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In this case, it's a bit of a belated Thanksgiving (as usual!).


About a week ago (shame on me for waiting so long to acknowledge it!), I opened the front door and was greeted by a parcel from this lovely place. I almost didn't even look at the name on it, just naturally assuming that it was something that the boy had ordered for himself, but luckily my curiousity got the better of me and so imagine my joy when I saw MY name on the label!

This lovely boy had sent me the most longed for item from my wish list!

Thank you, Mike! That sweet and completely unexpected gesture has really made my month!

Apart from that lovely gift, I've also been receiving an amazing amount of support and words of encouragement through phone calls and e-mails from some of you to help me navigate these rough waters I'm going through at the moment. (For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, please be patient, I promise that you will find out soon enough. Don't worry though, although recent events in my life have been rather dramatic, it's nothing as serious as a death or an illness.)

Since today is Thanksgiving here in the U.S., I thought that it would be an appropriate time to say: "Thanks!" And: "You don't know how touched I am and how much your kindness means to me."

Blogging may be rather sparse for the next month, to which I hear you ask: "Oh, so what's new?"

Seriously though, I promise that for a change, I have a far better excuse for my silence than merely being The World's Laziest Blogger.

Thank you very much for sticking with me, and for your patience and unbelievable kindness.

P.S. Another thing to be grateful for: A dear friend took me to see "RENT" last night and although some of the songs from the broadway musical have been cut from the film (a time issue, methinks), the translation from stage to screen was, in my humble opinion, a very huge success. And yes, I did indeed manage to restrain myself from singing along, but I can tell you, it was REALLY difficult! So today I'm basking in the glow of my crush on Jesse L. Martin (who plays Tom Collins and whose smile lights up the screen) and the fact that it snowed when we left the movie theatre!

Here's "To days of inspiration, playing hookey, making something out of nothing, the need to express - to communicate, to going against the grain, going insane, going mad!"

Could've been worse. I guess I could've been gagged!

Oh, must I REALLY stop?!? MUST I? But I'm on such a roll!


It's all HER fault. Apparently she thought (but was too polite to mention it) that this blog needs updating. So I've taken a break from the medicinal drinking (actually, I've let go of the drink, but luckily you get those long curly straws, so I can keep right on drinking whilst still having my hands free for typing).

Ten years ago
I was a reporter in Johannesburg, South Africa. It gets worse (or better, depending on your sense of humour): I was grossly miscast as a sports reporter. The only trouble with being a sports reporter in a sports mad country like South Africa, is that one really ought to have an inkling about one's subject matter. And, to put it mildly, I didn't have an inkling. In fact, just to cite one example of my ignorance: when asked by a colleague what I thought about South Africa's superstar golfer Ernie Els's handicap, I gasped and said: "He is DISABLED? I had NO IDEA that pro golfers could be DISABLED?!"

Five years ago
I had just moved from Washington D.C. and was living here in Baltimoreorless (but in a different house) and I was getting paid to watch American television! (Only in America! See why I love this country?) I was already an outlawed alien, but on the bright side of that, I was still in possession of all of my money (which I've since "donated" to a useless immigration lawyer).

One year ago
I was still an outlawed alien, but since I had already given most of my money to above-mentioned useless immigration lawyer and did not yet know that said immigration lawyer was entirely useless, I believed that I finally had hopes of becoming a legal alien, like Sting.

Five yummy things
1. Coffee. (I NEED coffee. Coffee is what carries the oxygen through my veins.)
2. South African chocolates.
3. Belgian chocolates.
4. South African chips.
5. The lips of the person you want to kiss. (All together now: Awwww.)

Five songs I know by heart
1. Every song on both discs of Rent, the musical. (I'm going to have to restrain myself during the showing of the movie! But just in case, I'll advise you all to not see Rent in any D.C./Maryland theatres, unless you adore the sound of off-key, yet enthusiastic and loud sing-alongs by someone who knows all the songs in a film. "Fiiiiiive-hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred miiiiinutes...")
2. My Funny Valentine.
3. Proudly, Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrika, South Africa's newest National Anthem. I learned it here in the States, by myself.
4. Almost every Afrikaans and English song ever recorded by my favourite Afrikaans artist, Laurika Rauch. (And no, her last name isn't pronounced like Roach. It has a guttoral 'g' at the end.)
5. Every single word to the Star-Spangled Banner. (Or, as I've been known to affectionately nickname it - since it's sung in a challenging key - the Star-Strangled Banner.) One would think that that would be enough to grant me an American Green Card (which I hear, isn't pink anymore, but in fact, now a sturdy document made out of metal and gold and which we are convinced contains GPS tracking devices and microchips).

Five things I would do with a LOT of money
1. Save as many destitude kids, old people and animals as I can.
2. Make all the members of my family comfortable and financially secure so that they never have to worry about finances.
3. Do the same for all my friends.
4. Eradicate illiteracy around the world by starting up reading programmes and building free, accessible libraries.
5. Improve the public transit system in South Africa. (For selfish reasons: I hate to drive and wouldn't like to have to when I visit/live there ever again. And trust me, you don't really want the likes of me behind a steering wheel.)
6. (Okay, I KNOW it's five, but I assume that I'll still have money left, and this list seems awfully goodie-two-shoes and so just to prove that I am indeed shallow and selfish:) I'll have a head-to-toe makeover and buy myself a lifetime supply of how-to books and adopt a pack of dogs and buy a house somewhere with an ocean view.

Five things I would never wear
1. A bikini. And yes, believe me, you wouldn't want me to, even if I ever DO get skinny. Because everyone on the beach would need special goggles to protect them against blinding glare if more than just the pale skin of my hands, feet and face should be exposed.
2. Hot-pants.
3. Most things that were considered hot in the 80's. I know that retro fashion fads tend to reappear again after a certain amount of time, but do we HONESTLY have to revisit the balloon-skirt, shoulder pads and large, neon-coloured accessories? Oh, and in South Africa, people also wore ski-pants under long t-shirts... *shudders.*
4. Yes, Michelle, I agree: A Boob-tube.
5. A catsuit. Nobody built like me should wear anything that is skin-tight, really.

Five favourite TV shows
Again, I'd like to borrow straight from Michelle and say: "Only FIVE?!?"
1. Any and all episodes of Absolutely Fabulous, sweetie dahlings! (Because, well, not that one has to have a reason, but because I AM Eddie!)
2. Anything on Aminal Planet with dogs in it. (Except Emergency Vets and Animal Precinct, because I don't want to see the doggies suffer.)
3. Lost.
4. Jon Stewart's Daily Show, even though we don't have cable!!!
5. OprahConanO'BrienBillMaherJayLenoGilmoregirlsTheOCEverwood... WHADOYOUMEAN writing show titles together doesn't mean that it becomes one show?!? When you've been on the couch, watching television, for months on end, trust me, after a while everything sort of blurs together.

Five things I enjoy doing
1. Have coffee.
2. Pet dogs.
3. Read.
4. Sleeping, but not at night. (I'm a night-owl.)
5. Celebrating thirsty Thirstdays with the Bookstore Diva and her posse.

Five Eleven people I want to inflict this on

1. Bookstore Diva!
2. FricaNatalie
3. Mikedup
4. Village Pig
5. Maison Pants
6. Dee
7. Will type for food
8. Pylorns
9. Cherryflava
10. Helen
11. Martha

Nine, Nege, Neun, Neuf, Nueve

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That's the amount of years I've been in reversed exile in the States.

I think it calls for some more medicinal drinking, don't you?

Last Thursday night ("Thursty Thursday"), my beloved Bookstore Diva came to pick me up in her trusty chariot for a Night on the Tow... 'burbs.

It was all part of a brazen effort on her part to Save Red from Herself, an intricate, complex process requiring gallons of medicinal drinking.

So I made very sure that I was suitably "Thursty."

Would you believe that I actually blogged about my night out immediately upon my return?!? (Apparently the procrastination part of my personality loses strength when my drunk slightly inebriated and therefore very spontaneous and impatient self appears.

Luckily for all five of you and for everyone else involved, I forgot to press "Publish."

Today, as I was aimlessly wandering through the cluttered back corridors here at Redsaid's, I stumbled upon a dog-eared file marked: "Drunken Blogging equalsh DLOGGING! YEAH! DLOGGING! That'sh BRILLIA...zzzzzzz."

It reeked suspiciously of alcohol.

Most of the file's contents were, if not completely incoherent, unreadable from being covered in liquid stains and lipstick smears.

Here is some of what I managed to make out:

"Ociffer, Ociffer! I shwear that I will NEVER drink and drive! Naaah! I jusht pull over when I wanna take a shwig."

"Let Go (of the wheel) and let God (drive)! Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Shouted into the dark field surrounding the bar's parking lot in the direction of a suspicious rustling sound which we hoped was being caused by a deer (although Bookstore Diva insisted it could quite possibly have been a gigantic bat): "Be a deer and if you were born here and not in Canada, marry her so she can get a Green Card!"

That Bookstore Diva girl has the most amazing super powers, because not only did the dear deer agree to elope, BUT ALL THE DRINKS WERE ON THE HOUSE!!

Hey, Diva girl! It's Thursday and I'm THURSTY again.

Don't look at me that way! YOU have created this monster.

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Terra: YES! Wait... you didn't think that I would be this possessed to post for NO REASON, did ya???... [go]
  • Terra.Shield : OH! ... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: Be a bit like serving drinks at AA?... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: I personally think it is a mindset that has been cultivated over the years, and one, if not stemmed,... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Ms. Crazy Cat Lady Pants!!! Squeeeee! Sooo good to see you! (I thought NO ONE was bothering to read ... [go]
  • Ms. Pants : Kitties don't get enough credit sometimes. (All times, if you ask me, but I'm a Crazy Cat Lady.)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Hey Tamara! I know, right?? That is a tough act to follow indeed. I adored that dentist. He used to ... [go]
  • Tamara Tipton : Well, I am not sure how any dentist could live up to that standard! LOL! I hope your appointment was... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: I'm really really glad that I'm not the only one, Po! Sometimes I drive myself mad with all the what... [go]
  • Po : Those questions run through my heads for various times in my life too, that is for sure!... [go]
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