This one is especially for my first anonymous commenter

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Remember how I’ve been begging you all to send me hate mail so that I too could get a taste of what it would feel like to be a P*O*P*U*L*A*R blogger?

Well, stop the clock! Because at last, someone who apparently didn’t like what I had to say in this last post, took the time especially to not only dream up a pseudonym (the very heart-warming “Yourreader”), but also a fake e-mail address (Yourreader@email.com) AND to – even after going to all that trouble - still leave me a comment! This has made me almost as happy as the day I was Googlewhacked. Okay, okay… even happier!

The tone of the comment wasn’t exactly hateful (so I’m pushing it a bit by pretending that it’s hate mail), but perhaps – and knowing how much I’ve been pining to be a hate mail recipient – you’ll allow me to classify a bit of attempted sarcasm as “hate mail.” Please?

Well, in order to inspire “Yourreader” to write me again, I’ve decided to elaborate a bit further on the previous topic and so I’ve come up with Crime, the Beloved Country Part II. It’s all about how those of us who are unlucky enough to live in South Africa (where the sunsets are so fiery, they hurt your eyes; where the sunshine is so bright and hot and continuous, you run the risk of getting stricken with something terrible called “happiness”) can utilize the high crime rate in South Africa to make us all fit and look extremely fabulous.

Girls (and metrosexual guys with manbags): when out in public, clutch your handbags SO tight that you develop those triceps and biceps and get beautifully cut upper arms.

After a night on the town, linger a bit and then - but only after all your friends had already left - leave the restaurant/club/bar on your own. Walk slowly. Wear high heels (good for the calve muscles) and, just when you’re about to be attacked/murdered (preferably just attacked. When your assailants are already wielding blunt objects or other types of weapons, like guns, it might be a bit too late. But it’s totally up to you to decide), break into a run. For the most effective cardio workout (as recommended by doctors around the world), see to it that your car is parked a good 30 – 45 minute sprint away. Try to do this 3 – 5 nights a week.

If you’re not a night owl (why on earth not? I like sunrises as well as the next person, but you’d have to admit, the timing of it is awfully inconvenient), try to reverse the exercise by going for an early morning stroll. Perhaps you’ll be lucky enough to encounter a rare early-bird criminal.

I’ve heard that most criminals prefer to operate at night, though, so they might be a bit scarce at that time of day. Unless you catch them on their way home from their previous night out, at which time they’ll probably still be drunk, so yes, on second thoughts, this might work. Although you’ll have an unfair advantage of a full night’s sleep over them.

Your criminal might be in a foul mood after a night of no sleeping and from having to walk home with a terrible hangover, so that volatile temper, coupled with the criminal’s normal behavioural issues, might be enough to level the playing (er… running) field again. So go for it, you early-birds!

If auto racing is more your style and you wish to attract car hijackers instead, well, then you’re in luck. I’ve heard that this is very easy to do, especially in the Johannesburg/Pretoria area (known to locals as Gauteng Province). You simply have to obey traffic rules. You know, stop at red lights and stop signs, that sort of thing. Again, this is also very effective when done at night, but apparently it doesn’t really matter.

If you still want to race your car, but don’t really wish to necessarily run the risk of actually LOSING your car to the hijackers, I’m happy to tell you that there are other ways. For instance, instead of attracting hijackers, tempt the snatch-and-grab type criminals. You do this by wearing jewellery when driving around in your car. And we’re not even talking the crown jewels here, although wearing that will almost certainly guarantee that your need for speed will be satisfied. Also make sure that all your valuables (like your handbag, MP3 player, etc.) are arranged on the seat next to you, in full view of anyone looking in from the outside of your car.

You could have your windows rolled down, but this isn’t even necessary. In fact, since most criminals seem to enjoy a little challenge (otherwise they probably would have chosen professions that are a bit more dull, like journalism or psychiatry), do NOT have your windows open.

Buckle up, be vigilant but, above all, enjoy the ride!

14 Comments

TimT said:

Maybe you should go walking with your pet tiger to deter felons. Here in Australia, whenever I leave the house, I make sure I have my koala Cuddles with me wherever I go. Whenever nefarious individuals approach me, the koala LEAPS onto them and SAVAGES them, tearing out their eyes!

You DO have a pet tiger, don't you? If not, I suppose an elephant would do just as well ...

kim said:

i'm happy you finally got your "hate-mail-comment"
you deserve it after all you've been through :)

Michelle said:

I tried this Red, but even leaving the (office, home, car) keys in the OUTSIDE of the door, and forgetting to lock it last night didn't give my any more exercise than usual... I'll have to think up something else! :)

kerri said:

I'm with TimT. When in doubt, pet tigers are always a good idea. Or Cheetahs. Cheetahs are faster. Or maybe just some Cheetohs. Sure, Cheetohs can't protect you like a Cheetah or tiger, but boy can they stave off those pesky cheesy cravings. Ok, I think I'm just hungry right now. ;)

airmatix said:

Crime in South Africa? Never! What an original topic for a blog. PLEASE?!? Everybody knows that SA has a crime problem - this is ancient news and hardly worth the effort.

So let me get this straight: You leave the snow and cold of the USA behind and return to awful, crime-ridden, dirty South Africa where you now sit on a wine estate in Stellenbosch and wax lyrical about something that the whole world knows about whilst sipping your chardonnay and peering at some of the best scenery on the planet. All the while thinking that 30 degrees C is just SO comfortable? While the maid makes your bed in the morning? Ah, life is so tough down in South Africa, eh, you thankless little bitch.

Crime in SA a topic for a blog? Please! Why don't you use the all the time that the house staff saves you by hiding behind the electrified fence and really THINKING of something to write, rather than waste your energy by making light of something that has been in the spotlight for so long that it has a bald patch where everybody has scratched...

redsaid said:

Nice attempt at hate mail, Airmatix!!! If I hadn't known you in person, I would've been ALMOST convinced! Thanks for the effort nonetheless, it has been noted and the favour shall be repaid.

Kerri: Cheetos!!!! Now you've just given me something ELSE to miss!

Danke, Kim! Yes, if anyone out there knows how long I've been begging for hate mail, it would be you!

Timmy T.: Cuddles sounds VICIOUS!!!! Care to export him my way?

Airmatix said:

I was being serious.

Red Dahling,
South Africa sounds just like Baltimore,except for the whole sunshine thing. I noticed that you didn't mention crazed drug addicts,or don't you have them there? If that's the case,I bet you miss trying to out run them and the homeless. It's sounds like
you never left the states at all. Well have fun on your holiday, I can't wait until you come back home. By the way, did you get my recent email ?
Remember denial ain't just a river in Eygpt.

TimT said:

Not a chance of my exporting Cuddles, I'm afraid. Not only would he SAVAGE the Customs officers, but in Australia we have a ban against exporting Deadly Weapons.

kim said:

okay, it's been to loooong. how are ya? whattup witcha?
missing ya... :)

kat said:

awww man, i want a Cuddles! all we have here are deer and try as they might, they're just not scary.

hope you're doin well babe!!

kerri said:

Wait a minute. Are you telling me that there are no Cheetohs in the South of A? The horror! The horror!

deeleea said:

Hello [looks around the room] Is anyone home?

Grabs a coffee and sits down with a self help book on Living in the Southern Hemipshere... [with notes in the margins].

Drums fingers on the table... Pours out the bottle of wine she brought with her... pours 2 glasses in case it will draw out the resident with it's heady aromas of oak and curranty goodness...

Sigh

No Luck...

Sighs again.

Slugs her glass and leaves the bottle behind...

Mark said:

Hey, I can send some fuckhead from England called Dr. Zen your way! Hates Americans, loves terrorists, that sort of nut case.

How's tricks in SA??

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about
is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

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comments
  • Mark : Hey, I can send some fuckhead from England called Dr. Zen your way! Hates Americans, loves terroris... [go]
  • deeleea : Hello [looks around the room] Is anyone home? Grabs a coffee and sits down with a self help book o... [go]
  • kerri : Wait a minute. Are you telling me that there are no Cheetohs in the South of A? The horror! The horr... [go]
  • kat : awww man, i want a Cuddles! all we have here are deer and try as they might, they're just not scary.... [go]
  • kim : okay, it's been to loooong. how are ya? whattup witcha? missing ya... :)... [go]
  • TimT : Not a chance of my exporting Cuddles, I'm afraid. Not only would he SAVAGE the Customs officers, but... [go]
  • bookstorediva : Red Dahling, South Africa sounds just like Baltimore,except for the whole sunshine thing. I noticed ... [go]
  • Airmatix : I was being serious.... [go]
  • redsaid : Nice attempt at hate mail, Airmatix!!! If I hadn't known you in person, I would've been ALMOST convi... [go]
  • airmatix : Crime in South Africa? Never! What an original topic for a blog. PLEASE?!? Everybody knows that SA h... [go]
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