Valentines Day Massacre

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Stellenbosch – In what can only be described as one of the most gruesome and shocking bloodbaths in recent history, Valentines Day was murdered early this morning right outside of Stellenbosch, a picturesque college town nestled in the heart of the South African wine country.

The alleged murderer, described as an embittered single woman in her early 30’s, has been arrested and is being held without bond in a local jail.

According to a witness, when the suspect, who was said to be covered in a sticky red substance thought to be blood (or a chewy, cherry-flavoured filling found in some popular brands of assorted chocolates) and bruised, torn rose petals, was frisked and handcuffed, she exclaimed: “Now this is the most action I’ve had in years!” The witness added that the suspect's maniacal laughter gave him “the heebie-jeebies.”

Mr. Mark Hall, President of Valentines Day’s multi-billion dollar empire, was too shocked to personally comment, but a statement released on his behalf reads: “We are deeply saddened by the loss of our dear friend Valentines Day.
Valentines was seductive, remarkable. Like true love, those are qualities that will withstand the test of all eternity. The murderer will therefore not be allowed to get her wish of eradicating Valentines Day, and 14 February shall forever remain Valentines Day’s Day, or Valentine’s Day for short.” (Hall’s PR people have never been big on grammar, and correctly inserting apostrophes has always been particularly tricky - Ed.)

The statement concludes with a bit of shameless plugging: “Commemorative cards shall therefore continue to be available during February of every year. My company will be personally responsible for distributing and selling those cards.”

This final and successful assassination was not the first attempt to take Valentines Day’s life.

In February 1999, a young woman who had been driven mad by unrequited love, shot at Valentines Day with a bow and arrow. An overexcited witness described the event: “The arrow flew by with a whistling sound! It narrowly missed Valentines Day, and instead pierced a member of the Valentines Day entourage, a half-clad elf named Stupid, or something like that, right in the buttocks!”

In court transcripts of the hearing that followed, the deranged suspect, when asked whether she had any remorse over shooting Cupid the Cherub, screamed: “I loved the way the fat and cellulite on his flabby butt-cheeks drilled and shook when the arrow went in! It was spot-on! Not bad for my first try, ‘eh?” (She was Canadian.)

The judge took her answer to be a “no” in the remorse department, and she was sentenced to 450 hours of non-stop Hallmark Channel viewing.

She committed suicide after serving only two hours of that sentence.

Single women were responsible for almost all the other assassination attempts on Valentines Day's life. Only in one case (of particular flair) was the emerging suspect a gay man, but like all the other attempted murderers, he was single too.

As news of the Valentines Day massacre has been rapidly spreading around the world, friends, fans and perfect strangers (the latter ironically often found to be married to each other) have been inspired to send messages of their grief.

A South African expat in Atlanta, GA, writes: “I am reeling at this news. However, I was not too surprised when I learned that Valentines Day was murdered in my crime-ridden homeland. I always knew that something like that would happen, which is why I packed up and left with my family in the late 90’s. Do you know that we never have to lock our doors here? In fact, we would sleep with it wide open, only my wife has been nagging me about the chill. I told her the chill had little to do with the mild Atlanta winters and far more to do with her own cold-bloodedness and frigidity. She’s filed for divorce.”

A South African psychologist (and self-described amateur meteorologist) replied: “It has been an unusually hot summer in the Stellenbosch region where the massacre occurred. Oppressive heat tends to do strange things to the human psyche, so it was definitely not the safest time for Valentines Day to travel to South Africa. It would’ve been better for Valentines Day to come in June and July, during the Southern Hemisphere winter, when people tend to want to snuggle more.”

Even U.S. President George Bush commented on the Valentines Day massacre. “Valiumtime Day was great.” And, further moved by the tragedy to display an unusual amount of eloquence, he added: “It’s very sad indeedly.”

During the news conference, he was seen passing a note to his Secretary of State and former National Security Advisor, Dr. Condoleezza Rice. It read: “Where is South Africa? If you also doesn’t know, ask Rove.” And: “P.S. May I please go to the bafroom.”

Valentines Day leaves behind devastated parents Channuka and Christmas, an adopted African brother named Kwanzaa, drunken Irish uncle St. Patrick, and French niece Bastille.

Funeral arrangements for Valentines Day are still unknown, but red roses, chocolates, diamonds, sports cars, romantic getaways for one, and wads of cash have been requested in lieu of donations to charitable organisations.


kim said:

so i take it you love february 14th, hm?

wanna be my valentine? *giggles*

please get in touch any time you want. any time. it's good to hear from you! *hug*

kyknoord said:

Better off dead. Yup.

Calla said:

you crack me up, Red. Happy V Day. :)

Barbie and Jud said:

Ragely wagely we miss you but your story is the best. We will be in Plett soon from Feb 24 for about 10 days and will call you. Leave a number on my email where we can reach you.

mice said:

I heart Bloody the RED.

Red Dahling,
Yippee, it's about time that someone has finally rid the earth of this evil pagan ritual.

TimT said:

That St Valentine's Day was a maniac and a psychopath. It's about time someone did away with it.

deeleea said:

What they said!!! 'bout bloody time... well done Red!

Will you come Down Under and do it here too... I'm not sure the bloody Aussies heard about the massacre in time...

kerri said:

You are hilarious. Loved all the parenthetical asides.

pylorns said:

single awareness day passed very slowly.

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • pylorns : single awareness day passed very slowly.... [go]
  • kerri : You are hilarious. Loved all the parenthetical asides.... [go]
  • deeleea : What they said!!! 'bout bloody time... well done Red! Will you come Down Under and do it here too..... [go]
  • TimT : That St Valentine's Day was a maniac and a psychopath. It's about time someone did away with it.... [go]
  • bookstorediva : Red Dahling, Yippee, it's about time that someone has finally rid the earth of this evil pagan ritua... [go]
  • mice : I heart Bloody the RED.... [go]
  • Barbie and Jud : Ragely wagely we miss you but your story is the best. We will be in Plett soon from Feb 24 for about... [go]
  • Calla : you crack me up, Red. Happy V Day. :)... [go]
  • kyknoord : Better off dead. Yup.... [go]
  • kim : so i take it you love february 14th, hm? wanna be my valentine? *giggles* please get in touch any... [go]
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