July 2006 Archives

Reality Bytes

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Patience is an annoying, torturous, gratification-delaying, highly overrated virtue.

But patience DOES pay off... Eventually.

After another three month "visit" (sheesh, didn't ANYONE pay attention and get the hint when I went to the States for a quick jaunt and ended up staying there for NINE YEARS?) on my bro-in-law and sister's farm in Stellenbosch, I returned to my mom's house in the wild, hip, happening city of By George! (Located about four hours east of Cape Town.)

When I left here three months ago, I had no laptop, no job and the internet situation was DIRE (otherwise spelled like this: D-I-A-L-U-P.)

I returned with a freelance internet writing/editing job, a laptop (yes!) AND a high speed (yes, really, even by international standards) wireless internet connection.

The laptop virtually dropped from the sky and into my lap (which, come to think of it, is a rather excellent place for a laptop to land). It's beautiful, if a tad vintage and temperamental, but a recent expert opinion has revealed that, with careful handling, it ought to see me through for a while longer.

It contains a DVD-writer (so we're happy to report that at least one true writer is associated with the laptop!).

The data usage on the wireless connection is also capped (only if you have MEGA bucks and/or live in a large metropolis can you get uncapped internet in South Africa, but their twisted definition of "uncapped" and an "all you can eat broadband!" buffet still means you are allotted only 10 Gigs to send and receive data. Scary, isn't it?), but at least I don't have to pay per minute anymore and land into this kind of trouble!

So I'm hereby the proud owner of 500 measly Megabytes per month. Yes, per MONTH, folks. That was the amount I used up in like three seconds back in the civilised world.

But even though my wireless data card has turned out to be a greedy little sucker, already devouring up scary amounts of precious megabytes from my account limit (and I've only had it since Tuesday) despite the fact that I'm not streaming anything, or downloading anything (other than opening webpages) it's still fantastic because I don't have to use THEM.

So goodbye streaming radio and video!

And fare thee well, beloved music downloads!

But hello again beloved internet and blog! Brace yerselves, 'cause I'm back.

Considering that it has recently entered its Terrible Two’s, this blog has been extremely quiet and remarkably tantrum-free. Could it possibly be the proverbial quiet before the storm?

It’s doubtful, because I’m still as lazy as ever and one has to keep in mind that I have a reputation to uphold as the World’s Laziest Blogger (and I have recently added the somewhat shameful title of Most Ignored Blog to my treasury of fictitious awards), so I’ve figured that a burst of abundant, regular posts would only confuse and bewilder my already nervous phantom readers.

However, since I’ve been suffering the fate of an (cue scary rolling thunder) Internet Ban due to sky-high phone bills (*shudders*), I’ve been overcome by the strangest sensations.

Symptoms have included a tingling sensation in my fingers causing me to nervously drum them on any available surface, almost like a constant touch-typing, right-clicking motion. Whenever I have seen computers on television (or in real life), I have broken out in a cold sweat and full-body tremours.

Suddenly every single thought I have would have translated into the most excellent blog posts. In fact, nowadays I even DREAM about blogging and high-speed wi-fi! (WHADOYOUMEAN I should get a life?!? Speak for yourself… especially if you’re reading this right now…)

It’s so typical of my life. When I was in the States where I had the luxury of uncapped bandwidth coursing at high speed through my late laptop’s veins (or wherever it is where bandwidth floweth), I preferred lying on the couch, watching Oprah.

Now, make no mistake, lying down is still my position of choice, but now that I’m back in a country where Internet access is so expensive, it may as well be classified as an elitist luxury item (like books – yes, alas, new books are rather pricey here in my homeland), all I want to do is be online and blog.

Instead, I’ve been forced to LIVE OFFLINE…

Oh, believe me, it gets more dire. Because I have also been forced to TALK TO PEOPLE FACE TO FACE! Which, believe me, is much scarier for them than it is for me.

So now, suddenly, all I long for is to be left in a dark room tethered to a mouse and a keyboard and a fast, unlimited Internet connection, my freckles erased by the flattering, luminous glow emitted by the computer screen, a large yellow Labrador retriever curled up by my feet and an enormous Starbucks latté by my side…

And yeah, a nice snog won't hurt either.

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Terra: YES! Wait... you didn't think that I would be this possessed to post for NO REASON, did ya???... [go]
  • Terra.Shield : OH! ... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: Be a bit like serving drinks at AA?... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: I personally think it is a mindset that has been cultivated over the years, and one, if not stemmed,... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Ms. Crazy Cat Lady Pants!!! Squeeeee! Sooo good to see you! (I thought NO ONE was bothering to read ... [go]
  • Ms. Pants : Kitties don't get enough credit sometimes. (All times, if you ask me, but I'm a Crazy Cat Lady.)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Hey Tamara! I know, right?? That is a tough act to follow indeed. I adored that dentist. He used to ... [go]
  • Tamara Tipton : Well, I am not sure how any dentist could live up to that standard! LOL! I hope your appointment was... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: I'm really really glad that I'm not the only one, Po! Sometimes I drive myself mad with all the what... [go]
  • Po : Those questions run through my heads for various times in my life too, that is for sure!... [go]
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