Interview (well, just the answers without any questions, really) with a gossip blogumnist

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Which is almost like interview with a vampire, because the subject being interviewed is equally as pale and scared of the daylight (but especially mornings!) as your average vampire is.

It only differs because the subject is, unfortunately, not as adept at scribbling literary acceptable tomes as Anne Rice, who is totally embraced by the snobbish literatti, even though she esentially writes goth horror fiction.

Anyway, in case you have no idea what I'm blabbing on about (as usual), someone has actually been silly enough to employ me.

And not to do just anything either.

He has actuallly employed me... to write.

ME!

WRITE!!

For a LIVING!!!!

(By the way, the above three lines are exactly how I reply to people at parties and other social gatherings when they make small talk and they dare to ask me what I do for a living. It makes me sound like Tarzan's eloquent sister. Needless to say, they are almost as shocked and astounded by the revelation as I still am. (But it could be because I shout it at them.) Even though I've been doing it since last year June.)

And of course, I'm telling you here again not (merely) to boast, but because I need to explain why, despite my new laptop and my recent threats to return to blogging regularly on here, I am still quiet.

Also, lest we forget: the best things in life are scarce. Like writing talent, which -but PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM THAT - I don't posess.

Luckily I don't have to suck things to write about out of my thumb. I actually have to write about real people (even though they are mostly celebrities or 'reality' television stars and therefore not really 'real' at all) and the stuff they get up to. Oh, and they get up to a LOT. Just that Paris Hilton alone could keep me in business for ever.

But don't think it isn't hard work! All day long (and sometimes all night, depending on how much I've loafed the day before or plan to loaf the day ahead) I have to trawl different web sites in search of celebrity news and gossip.

Oh, and believe me, it may sound awfully glamorous to work in one's pajamas and stay in bed all day (which, come to think of it, isn't all that different from how I used to spend my days in the States, right? Thank goodness that it wasn't just pointless laziness like we all thought, and that all those days and nights on the couch, surfing the net and watching Entertainment Tonight (I even miss that Mary Hart with her strange robotic stare and maniacal enthusiasm), Extra, Good Day Live and Access Hollywood, actually served as excellent training for me to be able to fulfill the duties of my true calling!), and... oh, who am I kidding? It's BRILLIANT to get to work in bed. Almost like a hooker, but not quite as streneous or embarrassing. Oh, and without the nude bits dangling about. I do sometimes make funny sounds, though.

So after spending hours reading other sites (and laughing at their writers' astounding cleverness and then weeping because I could never be that good and funny and clever) and culling all the topics I want from them, I then get to the business at hand.

Procrastinatination. And really, not to brag (again), but I have it down to SUCH an art, I even procrastinate procrastination itself!

I juggle the procrastination with drinking litres of coffee while the deadlines fly by me at a dizzying speed. I'm such a multi-tasker, aren't I?

Then I spend an hour typing a sentence, and then another hour anguishing over it and then another hour deleting the entire sentence.

Then I celebrate by having more coffee.

And then, just as he threatens to fire me, I get cracking and crank out some lousy excuses for stories.

If you want to read them (and really, if you've read this up until THIS point? You may as well subject yourself to that torture as well, then), please go to http://www.jetstreaker.com

Go on, I DARE you!

3 Comments

Annika said:

Darling! Your writing is lovely, just lovely (FOR A LIVING!) but I need more of you HERE.

Fatima said:

I miss you Red!
Please write more here!

Alan said:

Congratulations! But, like the others said, don't neglect HERE.

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

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comments
  • Alan : Congratulations! But, like the others said, don't neglect HERE.... [go]
  • Fatima : I miss you Red! Please write more here!... [go]
  • Annika : Darling! Your writing is lovely, just lovely (FOR A LIVING!) but I need more of you HERE.... [go]
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