April 2007 Archives

My Big News

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Okay, okay... so Monday's come and gone.

In my own defence, I had actually meant NEXT Monday. So I'm going to do something frightfully out of character and reveal my news early.

Okay, honestly? I just wanted you all to hold your breaths long enough so that you could get permanent brain damage, because no one in their RIGHT minds will read this blog, and I really want readers.

And now for the news...

Happy Friday 13th!

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It's my favourite day.

I walk under ladders, and while I'm at it, I step on every single crack on the pavement. I also make sure to pet (and eat!) as many black cats as possible.

So no, I definitely do not suffer from Paraskevidekatriaphobia!

You better be frightfully impressed. That's the longest word that's ever been used on this blog.

So long in fact, that I'm exhausted from typing it. Also exhausted from stepping on all the cracks in the pavement. It's more exercise than I've had in YEARS!

Therefore the big news I have regarding the major change in my life will have to wait until Monday...


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I'm going through a Major Life Change right now.

No, you beasts... it's NOT a super early onslaught of menopause! (WHADOYOUMEAN it won't be THAT super early?)

Although anyone who's been unfortunate enough to recently witness me and my hot flashes, my general grumpiness and my not-so-inexplicable weight gain in person would probably suspect at LEAST menopause. Or something worse. Like marriage! (Speaking of which, I've been proposed to! By HER! But even though I'm super flattered, I have to turn her down because a) Thanks to this, I'm commitment phobic
b) Despite suffering from such a decidedly male condition, I'm afraid that girls just don't do it for me, and
c) Even if girls DID do it for me, I'd still have to turn her down, because next to her slight frame, I'd look even larger and next to me, she'd look even skinnier and, since she despises her bones (how ungrateful, right? I'd swap her bones for my lard ANY day!), that's not anything that either of us would want. So even if we WERE to hook up, ours would have to be a clandestine affair. And discretion would never work because, well, we're bloggers!)

I'm knackered right now, but I promise to spill the beans about my Major Life Change in the next couple of days.

I've always secretly hoped that she was "plump" like me.

I mean, for Heaven's sake, half of her blog's title consists of food!

But despite my fervent wishes, I knew that she wouldn't be fat. She attracts way too much male attention for that, and well, we can say what we want about South African men (or Earthling men, for that matter), but they prefer to bypass girls like me who have tonnes of... personality... to have slight, slinky things dangling from their arms. (Any man who wants to convince me otherwise, feel free to try and persuade me over a fully-expenses paid dinner. With desert.)

And the other day she confirmed my worst suspicions... she is thin. Not just thin, but, according to herself, bones-are-visible thin. And if you've been one of my imaginary readers for long enough, then you would know that, as the world's first and only blubbery, boneless woman, I have always fantasized about not only possessing bones, but actually being able to poke people's eyes out with 'em!

To add further insult to my injured and burdened-by-extra-lard soul: She says that when she stresses, she loses her appetite. Loses! Her appetite!!!

I would never be able to lose my appetite, even if I had wanted to. Wouldn't you know it, but my appetite and I were born joined at the lip. So no matter how hard I try, I could never ignore this enormous appetite clinging to my lip like a stubborn cold sore and glowering at me like a wild and ravenous animal. My appetite suffers from year-long PMS and low blood sugar, and if I don't constantly sate it, there is hell to pay.

So as you can see, stress has the opposite effect on me than it has on her. My heart only needs to speed up by one beat per hour, then every edible morsel within a 500 kilometre radius of me hurtles into the magnetic force field of my mouth and violently flings itself down my throat.

I really have very little say in the matter. And even if I had wanted to protest, I couldn't, because my mouth is full.

See why I write for a living? It's my only means of communication! (Yeah, yeah, I know... one would THINK that I would be better at it then...)

Anyway, back to Miss Mushy Peas on (thinly sliced) toast. I really want to hate her for being skinny and pretty and not eating when she is stressed, but by being charming and clever and oh-so-witty (as has been reinforced and affirmed by her being awarded the Most Humourous Blog Award at Friday's South African Blog Awards), she has made it nearly impossible to dislike her. Even though I still believe that it should be genetically impossible for thin, pretty girls to have brains, personality and talent. It's too unfair!

Yes, it was the South African Blog Awards on Friday night, and even though that other blog I write for lost, my brilliant boss/friend (bossy friend? Friendly boss!), whose blog title also mocks me by being edible, Cherryflava scooped up the award for Best Business Blog. I'm so proud of him!

The other big winner of the night is another skinny bitch - despite the fact that her slight frame has borne twins!! Mommy blogger Tertia strutted away with the major prize of the night for winning Blog of the Year AND for Best Writing!

Unfortunately they didn't win large food hampers... Although Tertia DID win an Apple.

Good thing I wasn't even nominated in that category, because in the highly unlikely event of me winning, I probably would've devoured the damn thing.

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Terra: YES! Wait... you didn't think that I would be this possessed to post for NO REASON, did ya???... [go]
  • Terra.Shield : OH! ... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: Be a bit like serving drinks at AA?... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: I personally think it is a mindset that has been cultivated over the years, and one, if not stemmed,... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Ms. Crazy Cat Lady Pants!!! Squeeeee! Sooo good to see you! (I thought NO ONE was bothering to read ... [go]
  • Ms. Pants : Kitties don't get enough credit sometimes. (All times, if you ask me, but I'm a Crazy Cat Lady.)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Hey Tamara! I know, right?? That is a tough act to follow indeed. I adored that dentist. He used to ... [go]
  • Tamara Tipton : Well, I am not sure how any dentist could live up to that standard! LOL! I hope your appointment was... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: I'm really really glad that I'm not the only one, Po! Sometimes I drive myself mad with all the what... [go]
  • Po : Those questions run through my heads for various times in my life too, that is for sure!... [go]
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