Vox Horribilis

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All across the United States yesterday (and in one known case, Australia), deafening popping noises could be heard as people's eardrums raptured and began bleeding profusely.

Even animals were affected. Dogs as far as central Mongolia were spotted as they crouched down, howling and whimpering, and buried their heads between their front paws in a futile attempt to protect their sensitive, furry ears.

This painful outbreak was caused by a sound... nay, a NOISE... so awfully horrible and horribly awful, it has left sound analysts baffled as to its origins.

"It's definitely not a human voice. It can't possibly BE a human voice..." concluded Dr. Deci Bel after bravely exposing herself to the noise for an eardrum-splitting second.

Well, the good doctor was right, for the source of that painful sound? Was me... And I didn't even sing!

Yes, alas. I TOLD them. But no. My several thousands of warnings to them went blatantly unheeded.

My assurances that, despite having a face fit only for a career in radio, my voice (if that is what this screeching, high-pitched sound emitted by me on a daily basis can be called) certainly is NOT fit to be heard. At all.

Why else did they think I've been condemned to a fate of written communication? NOT because I have talent for it, but because it is the only career in which I never have to be heard!

And trust me, my despicable voice never being heard? That's a Very Good thing...

Perhaps they would've taken my warnings seriously had I told them about the time when my best friend was a DJ at a community radio station in Pretoria. One night, during one of her shows, one of her guests canceled at the last minute and I stood in... virtually shutting down the entire station with my awful voice!

Yet, I did not tell them that little anecdote. So in the wee hours of yesterday morning, these cowboys forever marred their website (and many unsuspecting ears) by interviewing me (ME!) for a podcast.

Now, I shall grudgingly admit: despite my hatred of the phone (which I have told you about recently), and despite the podcast being conducted via the phone, it was actually fun being interviewed. It made me feel Very Important. (Yeah, I know, it doesn't take much!)

Almost makes up for the fact that I've been stood up by Ted Kelly from UPop. (Although, people who have heard this unfortunate Wetwired podcast? Will realise that Ted Kelly had wisely dodged a bullet the day he 'forgot' to call me to chat to me on air.) 

Pylorns and Finley were extremely gracious hosts. They didn't even hang up on me or edit me out of the podcast, despite the fact that I:

1) Kept on accidentally interrupting them. 'Accidentally' because there was a bit of a time delay during the call (what with them being at the other end of the world in Austin, Texas and Baton Rouge, Louisiana respectively). So they would be having a perfectly intelligent and civilised conversation, when suddenly, this awful, high-pitched voice would interject and say random things or comment on a part of the conversation that had long since been forgotten. Or unladylike laughter (sounding more like a cross between a witch's cackle and a hyena) would suddenly boom down the line at totally inappropriate times, long after a punchline had been delivered. And honestly, I know I'm slow on the uptake, but not even I am THAT slow!

2) The phrase Ménage à Trois (oooh, this is going to misdirect a lot of Internet traffic to this here blog - I apologise in advance for the disappointment) actually left my mouth. I meant to say Three Peas in a Podcast, but thought, since Fin was in Cajun country and all, that I would be polite and give the native language a whirl...

3) And speaking of reverting to native language: I actually rolled my 'ahs' (rrrrr's, to the Yankees) a few times!! I swear I never spoke English with an American accent, not even while I was living in the States. I mean, come on, having an accent was the only thing about me that the Americans found even remotely interesting!  And despite managing almost a decade over there without ONCE saying 'tomayto'; these Yankees get me on the phone and I get so sentimental, I 'todally draaawled'.

4) I sounded like a dork. Oh, wait... I AM a dork!

5) I laughed and talked at the same time. Often. (Yes, I am THAT sad. I laugh at my own unfunny jokes.) Which means that the already little sense I made to begin with? Abruptly disappeared.

6) I also sounded like Frankenstina... the long lost sister of Frankenstein.

If only voices could be Photoshopped!!! (And yeah, I know audio can be tweaked as well, but trust me. My Smurf-sound? Is completely beyond repair...)

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6 Comments

SilverSabre said:

but at least u didnt lisp.

Marco said:

I finally heard the Red One speak!! *lol* I'm sitting here at work...giggling like a 15 year old school girl and my colleagues looking at me strangely!

Not in 100 years would have guessed your voice/accent!! ;-)

Ag man, it's too cute!! :-P

I just love that Afrikaner-English *hehehe* I'd marry you just for your accent! ;-)

Redsaid Author Profile Page said:

Hey Thilver: What, if I may athk, ith wrong with lithping? (Exthept for the fact that the very word containth an eth?) JUST kidding... you're right. Although, frankly, I think lisping would've served as a downright musical distraction from my Vox Horribilis!

Marco: The doctor has taken note of this new side-effect (a grown man giggling like a 15-year old school girl) inspired by this awful sound I emit. My sincerest apologies to you and to your poor colleagues! Are you still employed?

Marco said:

Oh Yeah, your voice was only for my pleasure, and hence I had my headphones on.

I will admit I listened to the PodCast...TWICE!! ;-)

Redsaid Author Profile Page said:

Marco: Oh, noooo! HEADPHONES? No WONDER you had to listen twice. After five seconds of being subjected to my horrid squeak, your hearing must've been completely shot!

Marco said:

It's all about entertainment value... ;-)

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • Marco : It's all about entertainment value... ;-)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Marco: Oh, noooo! HEADPHONES? No WONDER you had to listen twice. After five seconds of being subject... [go]
  • Marco : Oh Yeah, your voice was only for my pleasure, and hence I had my headphones on. I will admit I lis... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Hey Thilver: What, if I may athk, ith wrong with lithping? (Exthept for the fact that the very word ... [go]
  • Marco : I finally heard the Red One speak!! *lol* I'm sitting here at work...giggling like a 15 year old sch... [go]
  • SilverSabre : but at least u didnt lisp.... [go]
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