Bitchy

Just returned from a dinner party at my sister's and brother-in-law's and I'm so upset that I'm in tears.

No, not at the family. The dinner was lovely as always, the company was stellar and apart from this one girl whom I had never met before, I am acquainted with everyone else who was there.

I actually like(d?) her. Spent a long time chatting to her because she and her boyfriend were the first guests to arrive and since my sister was still getting ready, I kept her company.

She spent the whole evening talking about herself. I didn't mind, because I thought she was interesting. I'm only mentioning that she was talking about herself because of what happened so entirely out of the blue later on.

Before I get to that, here's something else that has happened to me over these past two weeks (it's related to this story). My little old car almost died last week. The mechanic managed to resurrect it for an incredible amount of money (which, luckily, I was able to afford at the time), but my brother-in-law worried that it was on its last wheels and that I would get stranded somewhere. So he went out and bought me a slightly new(er) car!!! Same make but considerably less vintage than the other one. Got it at a great price, but I've already worked out a plan to pay him back every single cent. AND I'm giving him all the money from the sale of the old car, since he had initially bought that one too and I had never been in a position to pay him back for it.

Anyway, so over the course of the evening, people came up to me and remarked about my "hot new wheels" (it really is, to me! I drove it for the first time on Thursday) and so at some point - and since it's no secret that my brother-in-law paid for it - I said: "Yes, don't I have the BEST brother-in-law?"

So this girl, whom I had been listening to all evening, and who knows nothing about me apart from the fact that I freelance and that I'm 34 years old  - turns back to me when we are alone again and says: "You know, you really ought to be more independent. I mean, at some point they are going to get sick of helping you."

I was so gobsmacked, because: She had just spent the entire evening telling me how she, at 30, was living with her parents again. Who is paying for her to study. Again. (She had attempted the university/studying thing plenty of times before but had never figured out what she wanted to do, so she never bothered to finish anything. And I had just spent the whole evening telling her how interesting that makes her!)

I was honestly so taken aback that I didn't even say anything back to her. So I just... didn't. (Luckily the party moved to the kitchen for coffee right around then, so I started speaking to someone else.) But the more I thought about it, the more upset I became. So much so that later, when I was driving home, I totally burst into tears.

I'm still crying a bit (writing is helping though), but now I'm getting a bit more angry. Now I'm asking myself where she gets off for making such a judgement about me. How DARE she? She had never even laid eyes on me before tonight, and most of our conversation had revolved around her and her life (which I seriously didn't mind! As I've said, I found her fascinating, and hey, since I'm not exactly a poster child for success in life, career or love, I am the last person to judge anyone else), so where exactly did her remarks come from?

Now of course... and I hate this about myself... the self-doubt starts to niggle at me again. That horrid voice starts to whisper. It asks: "Well, if there are no truth to her words, why are you so bothered and hurt by it?"

Well, we all know the answer to that, don't we? We all know that I HAVE relied on my family a lot since returning, tail-between-the-legs, humiliated and with absolutely NOTHING to my name from the States three years ago. But, in my own feeble defence, I've come a long way since those early days. I'm working. I live alone (yes, still in my humble little room, but at least I pay my own rent and I buy my own food and coffee). Yes, measured against other people my age, I know I fall WAY short in terms of possessions, savings, etc. But then again, what DOES constitute success exactly? Who determines it? Isn't the fact that I'm doing a job that I absolutely love and adore enough? That I'm living my passion? That I'm truly content to be by myself? That I've made strides to cultivate this independence?

Yes, bastard voice in my head. A few years ago I definitely was NOT independent. But dammit, now I am. Yes, my family still helps me an unspeakable amount, but it's considerably less than it was when I first returned home.

But still, I'm so, so, so hurt by her stupid remarks. And now the doubt is creeping in that I'm still not enough of anything and that I will never, ever be. 

She totally got to me.

0 TrackBacks

Listed below are links to blogs that reference this entry: Bitchy.

TrackBack URL for this entry: http://www.redsaid.net/mt-tb.cgi/162

10 Comments

Annika said:

Well, they say we judge others by the things we see in them that we dislike about ourselves. Obviously she is a no-good moocher and took out some of her self-loathing on you. You are upset because you're afraid it's true about you, not because it IS true about you.

TerraShield said:

Oh Red... That's so horrible of her. No one has any right to say such things about anyone else. Try to ignore her comments, I say.

IITQ said:

Hey

Sorry she was such a bitch.

Remember a mean comment says far more about the giver than the receiver.

IITQ

Redsaid Author Profile Page said:

Thanks so much for the support! You are all total sweethearts!

Saturday afternoon here and I'm afraid I'm still upset. (Damn sensitivity!! I loathe myself for being such a total whimp about it!) Started bawling all over again when I read your lovely, sweet comments.

I'm actually on my way to my sister's again (if I can get my swollen eyes open again, that is), because our other sister is here from out of town and I want to spend a bit of time with her. Now I'm wondering, should I tell my other sister what had happened? Thing is, it was so funny (and I totally forgot to mention this when I wrote the post), at one point I walked into the kitchen and my sister and her best friend were chatting to this girl and telling her how great she is and how "compassionate" and "sweet". (You see, she is the newish girlfriend of one of my brother-in-law's friends.) I just don't know if I should say anything because hey, until she opened her mouth to me I had genuinely liked her too. I don't want to cause anything, but I have to admit, a part of me wants my sister to know what this girl said. Just because of it was SO totally out of the blue, judgemental and uncalled for.

What do you all think? Should I tell my sis? (I don't think I will today... still too raw and I might start bawling all over again.) Or should I just let it go? (Which is difficult because it clearly got to me.)

Nafisa said:

Hey Red. Like you said she doesn't know you at all and she has no right saying what she did, so why even take it seriously and let it get to you? Screw her.

But tell your sister about it because it did upset you to this extent.

What a bitch!

OK you have to think about this in your relationship with your family. There is nothing wrong with getting help from your family. That’s what they’re for. In hard times they are the people we turn to, and they also turn to us. I’m sure if the tables were/have been/ ever are turned with your sister and brother in law you would help them out too. And not just monetarily, but also in things like time and consideration. You didn’t ask your brother in law to buy you a car, but he did because he wanted to and because he could. Again there’s nothing wrong with that. And you’re paying him back.

Getting help from people we care about when times are difficult for us is not irresponsible and dependent behaviour, but rather an acknowledgement of our interdependence as human beings. And we all have times in our lives when we need extra help. Failing and getting back up and sorting things out is what shows we're responsible and independent. (however expecting or allowing others to pay for you repeatedly because you an indecisive is irresponsible - I will judge here - it's amazing how decisive you get when you have to pay your own way!)

I swear in that moment I would have turned to her and said "don't make assumptions about other people based on your own situation". But I probably actually wouldn't have because I would have been as gobsmacked as you by the comment!!

You're worried about this because you did ask for help and get it, but the fact that you are worried about it shows you expected yourself to sort things out for yourself... which is, you know, a sign of independence! And I would tell your sister about it, not to necessarily tell the boyfriend, but to see what she thinks about the situation - she presumably knows the guy better than you do, and whether to say something or not. And because as Nafisa said it did really upset you.

Amy said:

There are many possible and plausible reasons why someone would be so insensitive and yes, one of them is that she was being really bitchy, another may be that she harbours a little bit of jealousy about something that you have accomplished.

Most important however is the way she made you feel with what amounts to an off the cuff comment. It worries me a little (because I dearly love and admire you) that she had this ability and I wonder if maybe you're in need of some old fashioned self diagnosis again?

Babe, is there any chance that you could get yourself to a cognitive behaviour therapist? I think that you would find it very beneficial because part of the problem is that she made you think which made you feel which affects how you act and so the only way to build your confidence up is to work on the underlying insecurities.

I say this because I want to illustrate to you that although there is NOTHING wrong with taking help from family and from being supported but that feeling guilty about it will make moving forward so much harder.

You're a lovely, talented, remarkeable individual young Red and I think it is easy to forget that you have overcome a great deal in the last few years, not too mention the fact that you have had to rebuild your life in a place which, despite being home, isn't an easy place to start afresh in.

hug & stuff!
VP

Po said:

I really think that nobbody can judge anyone elses life. We all make our own way, doing the best we can and accepting help when we need it. She made her judgement thoughtlessly without knowing you or your life or your situation. I wish it was easy to say that you should pay no attention to her words whatsoever, but I know it is hard. But you must know that the opinion of someone who barely knows you counts for very little.

ekke said:

hi skattebol, kannie glo dat jy jou nog steur aan anner mense se stront nie, raak sommer moerig soos ek verder lees.
glo nog altyd = ' an opinion is like an arsehole' we each got one, best to keep it to yourself and ignore others.

klim in jou nuwe koets (en JA ek is jaloers) omdat ek nie so a gawe swaer het nie :-( kom kuier in die kaap!. en weereens niks van jou nonsens op die highway nie, moenie worry wot die anner doen nie, hou jouself veilig en gelukkig (selfs op die highway). baie liefde + groentis, mxxxxxx
PS - en hoekom word ek nie na hierdie lovely stellar dinners genooi nie ?!?!

druidpromo said:

Man that chick deserved a smack on the head.......you taleted she isnt and hey you scored a new car good for you you deserve it and we all know that!!!

Leave a comment




















about
is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

online


comments
  • druidpromo : Man that chick deserved a smack on the head.......you taleted she isnt and hey you scored a new car ... [go]
  • ekke : hi skattebol, kannie glo dat jy jou nog steur aan anner mense se stront nie, raak sommer moerig soos... [go]
  • Po : I really think that nobbody can judge anyone elses life. We all make our own way, doing the best we ... [go]
  • Amy : There are many possible and plausible reasons why someone would be so insensitive and yes, one of th... [go]
  • Aunty Helpful Dictator : What a bitch! OK you have to think about this in your relationship with your family. There is noth... [go]
  • Nafisa : Hey Red. Like you said she doesn't know you at all and she has no right saying what she did, so why ... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Thanks so much for the support! You are all total sweethearts! Saturday afternoon here and I'm afr... [go]
  • IITQ : Hey Sorry she was such a bitch. Remember a mean comment says far more about the giver than the rec... [go]
  • TerraShield : Oh Red... That's so horrible of her. No one has any right to say such things about anyone else. Try ... [go]
  • Annika : Well, they say we judge others by the things we see in them that we dislike about ourselves. Obvious... [go]
top commenters
archives
archive by category

links
credits
winner of
I won this blog!

winner of best writing
sablog2005-winnerbut.gif

retro dots skin designed with care by


liberty belle skin designed with care by


hosted with love by
Blogomania

script assistance by
scriptygoddess
MT Blacklist


one reader and counting... by




Locations of visitors to this page
with these rings, I thee join


Blog Baltimore




Next
Random
List
Join



South Africa's Top Sites
South African Blog Top Sites

I shmaak SA Blogs, sorted with Amatomu.com

Afrigator

Geolocalisation des internautes

Copyright belongs to the author (ha ha! She called herself an author!) of this website.