June 2009 Archives


Thissssss isssss the ssssssnake. I'm here to inform you that I have eaten Red. She'ssssssssssss large, ssssssso it took me sssssssseveral hoursssssss to devour her. For my trouble, her hair hassssssss given me a bad casssssse of indigessssssstion and *cough* hairballssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

Oh, shut up Cobra.

It's me, loveys. And no, the slimy bastard hasn't gotten me... yet.

However, last night I encountered something which proved to be far more dangerous to my health than any venomous, fork-tongued reptile: two friends and a bottle (or three) of red wine. The one bottle's top collided with my lips... and after that everything became a bit muddled and befuddled. And today the Hangover From Hell has me by the head, pounding the living daylights out of my skull.

The upside about the hangover is that I feel so ill, I don't even CARE about the possible presence of the snake in the house anymore. In fact, right around now, I'd consider a fatal snake bite to my person to be a bit of a merciful favour.

When will I learn that I am, despite my size (SUV), surprisingly light on fuel? 

Out of the Closssset

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Ever since returning to South Africa from the States three and a half years(!!!!) ago, the only wildlife I have encountered thus far include: my family (okay, kidding!), dogs, mice (sadly, I'm not referring to this one... but to the scurrying, vile kind whom I fear and loathe and despise), spiders, zebras (but they're in a camp, so they probably don't really count), and ostriches. Oh, and the resident African Grey who used to hang out in the high branches of the oak trees in my neighbourhood. He used to wolf-whistle at me with such conviction, I almost thought he was a deranged and/or blind man.

Anyway, the closest I've come to a lion has been the one whose likeness appears on the Simba chips packets.

A few weeks ago, while on another visit to my sister's and brother-in-law's house, my mom came in and told me to keep my bags closed. I still joked about her being scared that something might jump out of it, instead of the other way around, until I saw her face...

"I don't think I want to know why you just said that, do I?" I asked her.

She then, cryptically, told me how they had found something earlier.

"I don't want to know." I said, and not only packed up all my stuff, but zipped it up and put it on the bed and then proceeded to climb right on top of that too. Clearly I was thinking more along the line of rodents. Or amphibians. (They've all known to terrorise me in this old farm house. And as luck would have it, *I* am usually the only one who ever sees them scurrying across the floor, since they always make sure to only catch MY eye. When I scream and jump on various pieces of furniture, my family thinks that I am crazy. I have tried to assure them that my particular strain of insanity doesn't include phantom rodents or amphibians entering my field of peripheral vision. To no avail. They want me certified.)

If only I had known how very wrong I was. I can't believe I thought of - and I can't believe I'm about to type this - something as entirely harmless as little old field mice...

You see, what they had discovered (in the linen closet of all places. Which is situated right next to my nephew's bedroom, which is where I usually crash) is so shudder inducing, I almost ran from the house, screaming. This is what they found, buried snug among the towels: 

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Terra: YES! Wait... you didn't think that I would be this possessed to post for NO REASON, did ya???... [go]
  • Terra.Shield : OH! ... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: Be a bit like serving drinks at AA?... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: I personally think it is a mindset that has been cultivated over the years, and one, if not stemmed,... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Ms. Crazy Cat Lady Pants!!! Squeeeee! Sooo good to see you! (I thought NO ONE was bothering to read ... [go]
  • Ms. Pants : Kitties don't get enough credit sometimes. (All times, if you ask me, but I'm a Crazy Cat Lady.)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Hey Tamara! I know, right?? That is a tough act to follow indeed. I adored that dentist. He used to ... [go]
  • Tamara Tipton : Well, I am not sure how any dentist could live up to that standard! LOL! I hope your appointment was... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: I'm really really glad that I'm not the only one, Po! Sometimes I drive myself mad with all the what... [go]
  • Po : Those questions run through my heads for various times in my life too, that is for sure!... [go]
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