Apparently A Fat Face Can Only Help For SO Long

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One of the few perks  The ONLY solitary perk about lugging extra weight around on one's rapidly ageing body is that the additional lard seems to fill up wrinkles, thereby creating the illusion that one is still in possession of a smooth, youthful skin.

At least, this is the thought I console myself with whenever another of my garments mysteriously shrinks overnight. (It's amazing, I seem to own the world's most Incredibly Shrinking Wardrobe.)

Luckily, I don't have the faintest idea what my padded body looks like. I haven't had a full-length mirror since the late 90's.

Of course, other people are also partly to blame for my blissful delusion. Recently, a guy I'd just met asked me: "So, Red, how old are you?" (These South African boys are SO rude!)

In response, I batted my lashes, giggled like a 15-year old and asked: "Just how old do you want me to be?"

Okay, not really. But before I could give him my standard reply ("I put the four in thirty-four!" Because yes, *sob, sob*, until recently I was still merely thirty-four), he cocked his head to the side, squinted at me and proceeded to deduct an ENTIRE NINE YEARS from my age!!! (Which prompted me to quickly uncheck the 'rude' box after his name. Apparently he did attend charm school after all.) 

Did I mention that it was really REALLY dark at the time?

So whenever another button pops, I try to suck in my stomach, gingerly insert a safety pin where said button used to be and place the button in a jar housing all the other popped buttons. That jar is labeled: "Payment For Lifetime Access To The Fountain Of Youth."

When I turned 35 at the end of August, I was far more upset about leaving the 18 - 34 group - that sprightly age demographic so revered by especially advertisers (and men) - than about the PHYSICAL implications of finding myself smack dab in the middle of my 30's.

But alas, even one's best delusions must eventually come to an awful end.

A few days ago, I popped into the newly opened beauty salon in my neighbourhood.

I'm still not really sure what had driven me to go in there. Normally I steer well clear of such places. I figure that beauty parlours are reserved exclusively for those who are already in possession of beauty, not for those of us who have a hard time unearthing even our alleged inner beauty!

As soon as I'd stepped into the lightly perfumed, clinically clean salon, I felt like a fish out of water. When I laid eyes on the receptionist - a model look-alike with perfectly sleeked back hair and cheekbones so sharp that it could easily poke an eye out - I felt like a clumsy elephant among delicate butterflies.

She was murmuring into the telephone when I walked in, so I had some time to let my inadequacy and out-of-place-ness thoroughly sink in. I stood around uncomfortably, nervously toying with the safety pin straining to hold my trousers together and hoping that it wasn't visible to Ms. Immaculately Put-Together.

She finally ended the call and looked up at me. (And the worm's eye view is DEFINITELY not my best angle! NOT that I even have a best one, but you know what I mean.) I could've sworn that I momentarily saw an incredulous expression flash across her face (which couldn't have been more flawless if it had been airbrushed), but it might have been my imagination after all, because when I looked again, her perfect, front-cover of Vogue-worthy face had rearranged itself into a look of consummate professionalism.

"May I help you?" she asked. I was almost waiting for her to add: "Not that I think we'd be able to help the likes of you!"

"Yes, please. I just want to know if you by any chance give laser treatment here?"

She scrutinised my face and then pointedly said: "No, but we do Botox!"

GAH!

Fat face, I can't believe you've decided to stop working at such a critical point in my life! You useless, chubby traitor you!

NOW what do I do?!? Shoot myself?

Or be shot choc-full of Botox?  

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10 Comments

Marco said:

My dear Red,

I think you DO need a full length mirror. You are gorgeous, just as you are. And besides, secretly, most men prefer some meat than a sack of bones!

And why worry about being 35? If it makes you feel better, I will always be older than you :-P I always think of myself as being 18 with 18 years of experience. Or maybe a recycled teenager.

Now, may I ask a dump question...laser treatment for...? Although I have a scenario in my head which I'd rather not mention on here :D

Polly Gamist said:

Don't fret Red, you could always be wife #5! ;-)


South African marries four brides to save money

Sun Sep 27, 6:37 AM

JOHANNESBURG (AFP) - A South African man walked four brides to the altar, marrying them at the same time to save money and prevent cheating, according to the Sunday Times.

Although polygamy is legally recognised in South Africa, father of 10 Milton Mbhele was still unusual in organising the weddings at the same time.

The 44-year-old local government employee from KwaZulu Natal pledged his undying and equal love at a lavish white wedding held in a giant marquee in a sports field.

"This is the day I've been waiting for all my life," said Mbhele before taking his multiple vows," reported the newspaper.

Mbhele, in a white linen suit, and his four brides, wearing white princess gowns and tiaras, arrived together in a limo.

Mbhele, who has seven children with his four brides and three from previous relationships, cited his Zulu "culture" and economic reasons for the unusual wedding.

"It doesn't help to have one wife and have 30 girlfriends that drain you so much you end up with no money," Mbhele said.

He said he loved his brides equally and there was good competition among them.

Eight cows will be slaughtered on Sunday at the groom's home for the traditional part of the ceremony.

Redsaid Author Profile Page said:

Polly Gamist: (Hahaha for original name!) Ooh, new sucker... I mean... reader! Welcome! Please stay?

Actually, that story's nothing new. South Africa's current president Jacob Zuma is also a practicing polygamist - as well as a few other things which I'd rather not say on here. So yes, we not only have a first lady, but we have a second lady and a third lady and... and... and... Come to think of it, I wonder how they decide who gets the title of FIRST lady though? As for that lifestyle saving money, not so in the case of our president. All his wives need to have security detail, for one, so it certainly costs us, the poor tax payers of the land, more money!

That lifestyle doesn't appeal to me. I've never been able to face the prospect of marrying even ONE man, let alone having the strength to put up with more than one! And naah, a definite no thanks to having any sister wives either! I can only IMAGINE how much wrinkles that kind of a life will cause!!!

Marco: Just when I wanted to check your charm school box (for calling me gorgeous, even though you are sorely mistaken and clearly blind - which is quite possible since you HAVE pointed out that you are indeed older and therefore more decrepit than me), I immediately unchecked the box when you asked what the laser treatment is for. You South African boys are SO rude! Actually, it's for nothing too embarrassing. I've heard that laser is very effective for removing scars, and the skin on my arm was burned rather badly a few years ago. It doesn't bother me too much (lack of mirrors, so what you can't see can't bother you kind of thing), but it is quite sensitive and sore sometimes. Not sure if laser treatment will help for that though.

Marco said:

Yeah but despite the 'charm-school' being unticked, you still love me, don't you! Oh come on, admit it!

As for the gorgeous bit - well since you are adamant that I am wrong, and I've only ever seen your head, I kindly request you send me proof to prove me wrong ;-)

Yes, I am older but my friend, I am like a fine wine. I only get better with age :D

And as for the question about the laser... well it's only cause I've read stories and I was just wondering where exactly the laser treatment was for :D

Marco said:

*hahaha* How funnny is that! You get around, don't you ;-)

Redsaid Author Profile Page said:

Sadly though, on the very day that you left me the comment, I discovered a big old chip in my mug... I'm SO sad. It's been my coffee mug ever since I've returned from the States. NO idea where and if I'll be able to find another one... *Sobs*

Marco said:

Sorry to hear that. There are heaps of places that could do you a similar one though. Like those places
that put pic etc. on mugs. I know it won't be the same...

In line with the 'hot red' theme, I did however find something that would 'potentially'
cheer you up but probably not a good idea to post the link here :P

Dan said:

Thank For The Information

Leave a comment




















about
is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

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comments
  • Dan : Thank For The Information... [go]
  • Marco : Sorry to hear that. There are heaps of places that could do you a similar one though. Like those pla... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Sadly though, on the very day that you left me the comment, I discovered a big old chip in my mug...... [go]
  • Marco : *hahaha* How funnny is that! You get around, don't you ;-)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Marco: :-D http://www.redsaid.net/2006/04/mug-shot.html ... [go]
  • Marco : http://farm1.static.flickr.com/50/132785134_d1558c8eaa.jpg... [go]
  • Marco : Yeah but despite the 'charm-school' being unticked, you still love me, don't you! Oh come on, admit ... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Polly Gamist: (Hahaha for original name!) Ooh, new sucker... I mean... reader! Welcome! Please stay?... [go]
  • Polly Gamist : Don't fret Red, you could always be wife #5! ;-) South African marries four brides to save money ... [go]
  • Marco : My dear Red, I think you DO need a full length mirror. You are gorgeous, just as you are. And besid... [go]
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