In Dog Years I'd Be...

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... dead.

I turned older yesterday than I've EVER been before. (Yes, I KNOW I've already said it somewhere on here. I'm glad you occasionally pay attention, imaginary reader. So are you saying this joke is OLD? And just WHO do you think you are calling OL... THAT awful word?!?!?)

It's a dire state of affairs. I referred to myself as a 'girl' last night, and one of my young immature student friends actually SNICKERED.

In somewhat better news, though, after being such a traitor last year, my fat face is doing its age-defying job again. But at REALLY inopportune moments. (Of course!) Some time ago, on a rare trip out of the house, I was out shopping with my sister. Now, for the 'sake of this story, you need to know that all three of my sisters are absolutely GORGEOUS.

Since I'm the youngest, all the talent, looks, charm, style, general savvy, cooking skills, intelligence, and bone structure had already been handed out to all of them. So by the time I came along, the only things that were left for me were depression, anxiety, fat, a handful (okay, MORE than just a handful... grrrrr) of freckles, an appetite, no metabolism (deadly combo, those two), an inability to tan, and a generous helping of neuroses.

So I'm kinda used to fading into the background when I'm around them. It's okay, there are the odd perks to being invisible woman. For one, it gives me time to observe or read in public without ever being disturbed.

Anyway, so I'm out shopping with my sister. (Or rather, SHE's shopping - apart from a slight addiction to books that I have to occasionally maintain by buying more books, I have not received the shopping gene either - and I'm just trailing behind her, helping to carry stuff.) At one point, she bought some pots and pans from this Englishman (during the demo, he was all "swee' 'art" this and "swee' 'art" that), but since it was heavy, he offered to keep it there so that she could travel light for the rest of the shopping trip. Sister accepted and we were out of there.

When we returned much MUCH later, dude was still working, and I just sort of faded away as usual, lost in my own thoughts while my sister collected her loot.

Suddenly "Swee' 'art" pipes up from behind the counter and pays a very swee' compliment to the girl behind me... Or so I thought. I was on the verge of whipping around to see who the lucky lady was, when I realised that there wasn't actually anyone behind me. Or next to me. Or near me. And so it took a further 10 minutes (I should've said... my sisters clearly got all the 'quick on the uptake' genes as well) or so for me to figure out that he was actually speaking to ME.

I almost went: "Huh?" Luckily I pulled myself together before doing/saying anything too drastically daft, so I just said thanks and mumbled something mildly flirtatious back.

Bless him, for he looked almost as surprised as I had looked just moments before. But then! He shook his head wistfully, sighed and said: "Oh, bu' swee' 'art, I'm WAY too old for you."

Now I SWEAR he couldn't have been much older than 40. It never even OCCURRED to me to ask him just how old exactly he thought I was then? It was only later, after we'd already left, that it slowly dawned on me and I asked my sister: "He probably doesn't realise just how old I really am, does he?" (TOLD you I'm "quick" on the uptake!)

Maybe it's time for me to lose the fat face (and body, but we're not talking about that now, are we?!?) after all. I never realised that being frequently mistaken for a 26*-year old could have such dire consequences on one's romantic prospects.

*Well, perhaps now I'll begin to look 27. I've never managed to look 10 years younger than I actually am and various people have, amusingly enough, always shaved off 9 years. No more, no less. NOT that I'm complaining, mind. It is only when it prevents dashing Englishmen from asking me out that it starts being a bit of a pain.
 


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5 Comments

kyknoord said:

Couldn't you go back and just "happen" to drop your driver's license or ID?

oh oh oh I was mistaken for being in my early 20s twice last Friday... I wouldn't mind but I think I looked like shit and felt like I was about 120!

I need to tell this story to as many people as possible!!

Po said:

Wow, that is hardly something to complain about! Maybe you should revisit that shop sometime :) Happy birthday!

We might be the same person. Except I'm a bit younger than you, and I'm told that I look a lot younger than I am. And somewhere, there's a person who is similar to me who is younger and looks even younger. And I can keep this up until we trace our roots back to a fetus, but I'll spare you because ... it was your birthday. Happy birthday! And many more.

Marco said:

I'd be happy about being thought to look younger than I am Red. My dearly departed grandmother, bless her cotton socks - such a charming old lady, always said I had an 'old face'. Did wonders for my self-esteem

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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comments
  • Marco : I'd be happy about being thought to look younger than I am Red. My dearly departed grandmother, bles... [go]
  • alonewithcats.wordpress.com Author Profile Page: We might be the same person. Except I'm a bit younger than you, and I'm told that I look a lot young... [go]
  • Po : Wow, that is hardly something to complain about! Maybe you should revisit that shop sometime :) Happ... [go]
  • Aunty Helpful Dictator : oh oh oh I was mistaken for being in my early 20s twice last Friday... I wouldn't mind but I think I... [go]
  • kyknoord : Couldn't you go back and just "happen" to drop your driver's license or ID?... [go]
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