The cobbler's kids are never shod, but what about the cobbler?

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As you may or may not be aware, I have a day job as a technology writer/blogger. Yes, me. A person who has been known to, on occasion, make gadgets explode. Gadgets that are not bombs and are therefore not supposed to detonate. Ever.

But luckily my employers have decided that, since my knowledge of technology is even less than scant, I am somehow the perfect candidate to explain it to people who are as dumb as I am also a little less than perfectly confident and knowledgeable about the subject. So I'm very grateful and I absolutely adore my job!

Since I write about tech, you might be under the impression that I tote around all the latest and greatest blinged out gadgetry. Not so, I'm afraid. I own nothing with an on/off button that is less than two years old. The laptop I'm writing this on right now clangs and bangs so much when I type, a typewriter would have been less noisy! (On good days, it makes me feel like a female Bob Woodward. On bad days, it simply gives me a headache!)

And my phone... Yes, it is smarter than me (doesn't take much), but it too is ancient decidedly vintage. It is a BlackBerry Curve 8900, complete with a trackball (remember those?) and I absolutely love it. Despite being a circa 2008 model (which is akin to centuries in technological years), it is new-to-me. I inherited it from my sister last year when she upgraded to a Torch.

In using this BlackBerry, I have learned quite a few things. Including what a Java-enabled handset does NOT mean! Here, I'll let this "news report" explain...

Stellenbosch – The life of a gorgeous local communicator is hanging by a thread after a tragic – yet, in retrospect, rather inevitable – encounter with a cup of coffee.

Miss BiBi (full name BlackBerry) Curve had been in critical condition on a sun-drenched windowsill of a farmhouse situated on the outskirts of town since having a horrific encounter with a steaming mug of java. The unfortunate accident happened way before the crack of noon on Wednesday morning. By Thursday, BiBi’s condition had deteriorated to such an extent that the device was urgently transported to a cellular repair shop in town.

Her guardian, local blogger Redsaid, was allegedly responsible. (Although several witnesses have already – and slightly too eagerly, if you ask us – issued sworn statements, gleefully saying that they saw her do it with their own eyes.)

Redsaid, who has recently taken guardianship of BiBi from her sister, is rumoured to be a hardcore caffeine addict.  “But don’t think you’ll catch her in local coffee bars or cafés. She’s far more insidious about it,” said an anonymous source claiming to be a close family confidante. “She’s the type that drinks at home. ALONE.”

Leaning in, the confidante... erm... confided: “She is the one who should be drying out right now, if you know what I mean.”

An investigation into Redsaid’s sordid past has revealed a disturbing trend. “This woman has a shocking track record when assuming guardianship of electronics. Various devices, from cameras, to smartphones, to not-so-smartphones... have reached awful endings while in her care. And a few of them were still so young, they were hardly out of their boxes!”  revealed yet another anonymous source.

At the windowsill, a visibly upset Redsaid was constantly seen by BiBi’s side, regularly checking the handset’s vitals and incessantly knocking back mugs containing an unidentified beverage that had a distinct, suspiciously coffee-like aroma.

She was too distraught to comment, but the thumb on her right hand - the one that she uses to controll BiBi’s trackball - was twitching forlornly.

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3 Comments

kyknoord said:

Could be worse. My dad likes to flush his phones down the toilet.

TerraShield said:

LOL, Red. Your post made me laugh so much, though I'm so very sorry to hear about BiBi - hope she gets better soon.

I'm very technologically backdated as well - lappy's hitting the big 5 in March, and the not-so-smartphone is about 2.5 years old now.

Blake said:

Hola Red :)

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is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

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comments
  • Blake : Hola Red :)... [go]
  • TerraShield : LOL, Red. Your post made me laugh so much, though I'm so very sorry to hear about BiBi - hope she ge... [go]
  • kyknoord : Could be worse. My dad likes to flush his phones down the toilet.... [go]
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