Alphabet Soup: November 2004 Archives

Fear not the title of this post, dear reader, for it's by NO means an indication that I've crossed over into the delicate world of poetry or any other legitimate form of literature! (Well, I'll admit to drunkenly penning the occasional limerick, but I'm afraid my metre is off-beat and my rhyme sucks like a baby on a teat. See?)

Nor have I decided to seek my fortune by attempting to write bodice-ripper romances.

So rest assured, for you'll still get the same ill-composed, whiny, long-winded posts as the ones you've grown to despise, but come to expect from me.

So why then all this feverish talk of romance when it's not even anywhere near February?

Because - and I warn you: swallow your drinks now, before you read on - a friend has asked me to write MY opinions on that phenomenon which is Internet Romance.

"Why HER, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA?" I barely manage to make out the inevitable question through shrieks of your hysterical laughter.

Under Attack

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Oh, fortheloveofallthatispureinthisworld!

My e-mail account is still possessed.

And I'm afraid conditions are worsening by the second...

Elusive Inbox: 1.

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So you all know that I'm mildly (okay, ha ha ha, WHO ARE WE KIDDING?) techno challenged.

I've been known to release thousands of deadly viruses into the universe by merely sending an innocent e-mail. (That is, when I manage to successfully log on to the computer in the first place.)

But this is something that not even I have encountered ever before.

Fly Revival 101

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Darlings, I'll tell you exactly how the fly revival works, but you need to pay very close attention because it's a highly complex, scientific process:

To all heart-broken Kerry fans, I, your humble servant in blogging, Redsaid the First, and, so far, the only... Unless someone somewhere has, for obscure reasons which are beyond me, taken the time and trouble to copy this blog (it's been known to happen, after all) and its contents, perhaps even translating it into another language.

And if someone did, then all I can say is: "I really hope you took only the best parts to translate."

To which they might say, in their language of course, but the surprise in their voice will be universally understood: "Best parts? There were best parts to take?"

At which time I'd ignore them and simply say: "Why me?" But not in a whiny, oh woe, why hast this befallen me kind of way; more in a genuinely perplexed way, like this: "No really, why me when there are so many greatly eloquent bloggers out there?"

Anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, so me, Redsaid the blah blah blah... oh, there we are: Kerry supporters, I feel that it is my duty to at least try and cheer you up today.

Thusly, let's consider this:

Red, White and Blue II

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Dear United States of America,

Remember me? Red from Redsaid in Baltimore, Maryland?

I last wrote to you on the 4th of July 2004, but since I haven't heard back from you yet, I've decided to try again. This time I have a few more questions and I would be ever so grateful if you could answer them for me.

As an alien within your beoooootiful borders, I've never been able to grasp the use of the electoral college. That being said, I also haven't been able to grasp the meaning of life, the concept of mathematics, physics or the need for the clocks to fall back every autumn. I have to respectfully declare that I don't like the fact that the sun still sets at 6:15 pm one day, and the VERY next day it sets at 5:13 pm. It's disturbing and it makes me crave chocolate even more than I usually do, and I think we both agree that craving too much chocolate isn't good for anybody's sanity, and then eating all the chocolate isn't good for that same body's weight or teeth.

Anyway, pardon my digression. Back to the matters at hand: the election and the electoral college.

Now, I'm pretty clear on why the college was founded all those years ago. I know that long ago, in ancient times before Starbucks was invented, some of your Founding Fathers wanted Congress to choose the President, while some of the other Founding Fathers wanted voters to choose. The history books I've read didn't go into the gory details of how they proceeded to fight over this (why do history books always seem to leave out all the fun parts?). I was just informed that the electoral college was the compromise they reached.

I also understand that during that same historic time, before the final frontier was reached and while some of your state borders were therefore very fluid and seemed almost neverending, that having an electoral college kinda made sense. I also realise that more people lived in one state than another (as they still do today) and so your Founding Fathers wanted the people in the most populated states to have the most say in who would lead all of them.

However, as the saying goes: that was then and this is now. So isn't that practice a bit as archaic as beheadings?

In my humble opinion, democracy should be one woman (or man, if he is sufficiently trained), one vote.

You see - and again, I point this out with the greatest R-E-S-P-E-C-T - it doesn't seem fair to me that one state should count more than another, and that if you happen to live in a non swing vote state, then you are largely ignored by the candidates.

You know that I love you with all of my heart (except for those bits of it which are reserved for my family, the boy, South Africa, dogs, coffee and How-to books), but in the eight years that I've had the pleasure of living within your borders, I've never been able to wrap my mind around this bizarre spin on democracy where the popular vote doesn't determine the outcome of the election.

I really hope you can help me out here by explaining it to me?

Anyway, since I know that tomorrow is a big day for you and your people, I won't take up any more of your time. I just want to say that I hope that everyone who is elligible to cast a vote will do so, because many of us who live here don't have a say, and they should do it on our behalf. And, in the event that they're xenophobic, then they should do it for their own futures. And for you.

Respectfully yours,

P.S. Oh, just wondering if that Green Card I asked you about last time got lost in the mail or something, because I haven't received it yet.

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Terra: YES! Wait... you didn't think that I would be this possessed to post for NO REASON, did ya???... [go]
  • Terra.Shield : OH! ... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: Be a bit like serving drinks at AA?... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: I personally think it is a mindset that has been cultivated over the years, and one, if not stemmed,... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Ms. Crazy Cat Lady Pants!!! Squeeeee! Sooo good to see you! (I thought NO ONE was bothering to read ... [go]
  • Ms. Pants : Kitties don't get enough credit sometimes. (All times, if you ask me, but I'm a Crazy Cat Lady.)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Hey Tamara! I know, right?? That is a tough act to follow indeed. I adored that dentist. He used to ... [go]
  • Tamara Tipton : Well, I am not sure how any dentist could live up to that standard! LOL! I hope your appointment was... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: I'm really really glad that I'm not the only one, Po! Sometimes I drive myself mad with all the what... [go]
  • Po : Those questions run through my heads for various times in my life too, that is for sure!... [go]
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