Alphabet Soup: October 2005 Archives

Smashing Weekend


On Saturday night/Sunday morning, as I was breezing through my usual weekend routine of clubbing and fending off admiring, handsome men falling over themselves to buy me dri...

Okay, okay! So now you KNOW that I'm lying.

So let's try again... Take 2: On Saturday night/Sunday morning, as I was engrossed in my usual weekend routine of sitting at home in my coffee- and chocolate-stained pajamas and head-to-toe anti-wrinkle cream and watching middle of the night infomercials all by myself (hold me now and let's weep together over the state of my utterly pitiful, anti-social life!), I thought I heard a crash.

Since it was three a.m. and since I wasn't REALLY watching an infomercial but - thanks to unusually benevolent network television fall offerings for insomniacs without cable or satellite t.v. - a rather terrifying episode of (cue scary music) The Twilight Zone, I reacted in my usual brave manner.

That's right! As soon as I heard the crash, I dove under the covers and cowered.

Before you hand over that Purple Heart for Bravery (which, if it's not too much trouble, I'd rather swap for a valid Green Card, if I may!), here's what I did next.

My curiosity eventually got the better of me and I ACTUALLY GOT OUT OF BED AND - as if that fact alone isn't remarkable enough - I descended the dark stairs to check if everything was okay.

As I was inching down the steps, trembling, I cursed myself for not being more sporty. And not just because I was wheezing from the exertion of actually being out of bed AND climbing stairs, but because at that moment, I really could've used the security that comes from wielding a baseball bat or a tennis raquet.

Finally, after about 45 minutes, I successfully made it down the stairs and into the dark living room. Suddenly, out of the corner of my eye, I made out the shape of the invader crouching in the shadows... I wanted to scream, but couldn't, so instead, I stood there, rooted to the spot by fear and helplessly waiting for what I was sure would be the end of me. So I simply closed my eyes and waited...

And waited...

And, so at last, when I was sure that I was indeed still alive and nothing had happened, I finally dared to open my eyes.

It took only a few seconds for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. I braced myself and turned my head to face my savage, would-be attacker. I had every intention of asking him what on earth was taking him so long, or if he liked toying with his victims like this by dragging things out.

I was just about to locate my voice and start giving my little (but very brave) speech, when I lay eyes on the intruder again.

It was...

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Terra: YES! Wait... you didn't think that I would be this possessed to post for NO REASON, did ya???... [go]
  • Terra.Shield : OH! ... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: Be a bit like serving drinks at AA?... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: I personally think it is a mindset that has been cultivated over the years, and one, if not stemmed,... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Ms. Crazy Cat Lady Pants!!! Squeeeee! Sooo good to see you! (I thought NO ONE was bothering to read ... [go]
  • Ms. Pants : Kitties don't get enough credit sometimes. (All times, if you ask me, but I'm a Crazy Cat Lady.)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Hey Tamara! I know, right?? That is a tough act to follow indeed. I adored that dentist. He used to ... [go]
  • Tamara Tipton : Well, I am not sure how any dentist could live up to that standard! LOL! I hope your appointment was... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: I'm really really glad that I'm not the only one, Po! Sometimes I drive myself mad with all the what... [go]
  • Po : Those questions run through my heads for various times in my life too, that is for sure!... [go]
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