Redsaid

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
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March 21, 2005

I want a man who will fight for my honour

Red Whine

This past weekend, while doing a bit of celebratory seven* channel surfing (what... you didn't really think I was actually going to go out and shake my romp after my recent traumatising experience with an Arthur Murray Dance School instructor named Good Quality, now did you?), the boy and I tuned into a movie where a vicious fight scene - complete with the bad dubbing where the fake sounds of fists falling and karate "CHOP, CHOP, KA-CHOPPING!" were lagging just a tad behind the actual movements it was supposed to be sound-effecting - was in progress.

Being the cultured folk we are, we were instantly riveted.

The plot appeared to be quite intricate (as is usually the case with 80's films containing badly-dubbed sound-effects), but we managed to figure out that the two guys were beating each other up in order to win the affection of a girl.

I turned to the boy and said: "Except for one time when a male friend had to be dispatched to get rid of an overzealous ex-boyfriend, no man - or woman, for that matter - has ever fought for my hand or my honour. And you know, for just once in my life I would really like to see some teeth flying on my behalf."

For some unfathomable reason the boy didn't seem ONE BIT enthusiastic to make my dream come true.

So, girls (and boys! This is an equal-opportunistic website): Have fists and/or teeth ever flown on YOUR behalf?

*We get seven television channels on a GOOD day, when we manage to sit perfectly still on the couch, wire coat hangers carefully balanced on our foreheads.

Redsaid | 11:20 AM

Comments

No fists... but one time, some guy offered Cabral two pipes of "quality crack" to borrow me for the evening and Cabral totally snubbed him and gave him evil dirty looks. There was no beating him up because Cabral was teching a play and the idiot offering him the drugs was the star about to go on.

comment by Calla at 11:29 AM on 03.21.05 [ link ]

Oh, and PS: I made not one but TWO melkterts this weekend, and they were delicious! If you're ever in Boston, drop by and I'll make one for you. :)

comment by Calla at 11:30 AM on 03.21.05 [ link ]

actually one time C grabbed an ex in duesseldorf at carnival who'd said some "naughty" (not that i did mind too much ;o)) things to me and told him to "treat me with respect" and even though technically he (C)'d actually have to beat him (the ex) up he wouldn't do that because he seemed like a nice guy and as long as he treated me "with respect" maybe they could go out for a beer the next time he was in town. i thought that was way cooler then getting into a fight in front of everybody. *sigh* my hero...

comment by kim at 11:55 AM on 03.21.05 [ link ]

So once my wife cut this guy off in traffic while turning into Rock Cottage (a local shop's) parking lot. He blasted his horn, she gave him the finger... then parked the car. So did he.

Of course he wasn't about to bitch at her, he came straight up to me and wanted to get going. Luckilly I was born in Scotland, so I turned on the accent and sucked in my chest. He backed down.

Thank you trainspotting, thank you...!

comment by Rich...! at 01:21 PM on 03.21.05 [ link ]

No fists thrown... so sad for us. A few words thrown before.

comment by Jessica at 02:07 PM on 03.21.05 [ link ]

No one has ever fought for mice. Its probably better that way.

comment by mice at 03:46 PM on 03.21.05 [ link ]

Sigh...

Have not managed to inspire that sort of reaction myself at any time either...

Still, YGM2 would have if the occasion had ever arisen (unlikely as we only went on 2 dates!)...

Correct me if I'm wrong Red, but there's seems to me to be something about Afrikaans blokes that makes me think that fists would fly at the 1st opportunity...

Maybe it's an impression I have from watching too much NZ v SA Rugby...

comment by deeleea at 05:40 PM on 03.21.05 [ link ]

Red Dahling,
No one has ever fought for my hand. Or wanted to.I'm pretty good at holding my own. Usually because I'm the troublemaker/badass. Guys don't have a chance,I always beat them to the punch. Literally.

comment by Bookstore Diva at 09:28 PM on 03.21.05 [ link ]

well actually... maybe because i walk through life like a blindfolded sleepwalker always stepping off the proverbial cliff, people have always felt pity for me, starting with my parents, who used to go kick the crap out of people i didn't even know had offended me (yes, i really AM that dumb) right up to my current massively overbuilt rapstah-resembling husband, who loves to come and quietly stand behind my shoulder when i'm getting picked-upon and give the offending persons (who often have quite a good cause for being frustrated with me) an evil grinning hate-stare, just to see them jump.

And when all else fails, i can always do 'mad face'... guaranteed to shatter the confidence of even the most manly of oppressors.

i am blessed.

comment by anan at 09:53 PM on 03.21.05 [ link ]

Yes, actually - one guy did beat up another over me. But that was way back in high school, and it seems I'm not worth fighting over these days... :(

comment by Michelle at 03:59 AM on 03.22.05 [ link ]

forget about someone fighting for you. You need someone that will help you bury the body.

comment by pylorns at 08:52 AM on 03.22.05 [ link ]

Gordon fought for my honor once. Oddly enough, against another guy named Gordon. My G was drunk and therefore very brave. Bad G waited until Good G was so drunk he could harldy stand up, then took him up on his offer of stepping outside. Needless to say, my boyfriend ended up with a bloody nose and a slight concussion, but Evil G was banned from the bar forever.

It seems like it would be really cool to have a guy get in a fight over you, but it sucks. I was in the back room crying about the whole thing. I'm not cut out for chivalrous acts, it seems.

comment by amy t. at 10:48 AM on 03.22.05 [ link ]

I hadn't processed the title last time I read it but now I'll have that karate kid song going through my head all day...

comment by martha at 09:34 AM on 03.23.05 [ link ]

I used to ride the bus to work every morning back in my poor days without a car. Some very stinky, snaggletoothed guy tried to chat me up and I politely said something to the effect of, "I'm enjoying my book and would rather read than make conversation."

He stood up, started screaming at me calling me a snotty, pretentious cunt and whore. It was evil. The bus driver stopped the bus and threw him off. of course, the guy was at my bus stop the next day so I walked back home and told my boyfriend about it.

I never saw that guy again. Never. It wasn't until years later I found out that my ex had gone to the bus stop and broken the guy's arm and told him to stay away from me. My ex? He was a psycho.

comment by emily at 10:22 AM on 03.23.05 [ link ]

now that's scary, emily.

you reminded me of something:

once i was spacing out at a bus stop (as usual) when a drunken derelict came windmilling at me with abusive insults and grabs.

Of course, it took time for me to realize that i was actually in danger, and by that time the guy was almost on top of me.

At about that point, i felt a warm hand slip over mine. The guy next to me leaned forward and snarled at the drunk:

"Do you MIND?
She's my WIFE!!"

The drunk disappeared.
The guy's wife turned to smile at him.
Both of us, that is.

comment by anan at 07:36 PM on 03.23.05 [ link ]

LOL - no one has ever fought for me either. I begin to think this is something that only happens in movies. OTOH... I'd hate to think of beloved husband getting hurt in a fight - so it's probably better this way. *grin*

comment by Teresa at 06:38 PM on 03.25.05 [ link ]