You all know that the A - Z Time/Life Medical Encyclopedia is one of my favourite reads. I highly recommend it to anyone*, but especially to those of us who take ourselves seriously as practicing hypochondriacs and lay doctors.

Don't be deceived by the book's modest size either. Sure, it might not be the thickest medical text around, but trust me, it contains diseases and possibilities for self-diagnosis that you haven't even DREAMED of yet! (And if you haven't dreamed lately, well... according to the book a state of constant dreamlessness smacks of serious underlying psychological issues. Or a severe case of insomnia. Either way, it's bad.)

However, this bug my sister brought with her on her recent visit from South Africa and - when she couldn't stuff it in her suitcase along with all the shoes she bought - decided to leave here when she went home again, has turned out to be quite difficult to shake.

At first I thought it was the flu (after all, I have all the symptoms as listed under "F" and "Flu" in the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia) and I thought I would get better when I resumed my regular schedule of rest and relaxation.

So as soon as my energetic sister with all her draconian demands (like telling me to get UP! EVERY day! Before the crack of NOON!) went home, I dove back into bed, only surfacing every couple of hours to replenish my blood coffee levels.

It worked. One day I woke up and knew I was feeling better when I poked my nose out from under the duvet and I was able to actually smell the coffee again.

I celebrated my recovery by immediately taking a long nap. I was viciously shaken awake a bit later as rasping, racking coughs were sending spasms through my body. Talk about a rude awakening!

This specific symptom - illusion of wellness only to then get sick all over again - can be found nowhere in the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia, which has left me to draw only one conclusion: If the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia hasn't even heard of this flu yet, then it MUST be serious and indigenous to Africa. (And usually "serious" and "indigenous to Africa" go hand in hand. I mean, just look at me! Do you get anyone more serious and African than me?? Exactly. I didn't think so.)

The last time I veered off my usual serious, soft news blog subjects and mentioned this Afri-flu I have been struck with, Tim T. wanted to know if the African flu roams the savannahs with the zebra, lions, etc. That is sooo typical of Tim T., asking all the hard-hitting questions without batting an eye. (Granted, even if he HAD batted an eye whilst typing that hard-hitting question, I wouldn't have seen it. Which in turn bodes the question: If someone bats an eye and no one else is around to see it, did the person really bat an eye?)

I don't know, Timmy T. While I believe the Afri-flu HAS been spotted stalking prey on the savannah (causing lions to cower and elephants to plunge trunk-first into watering holes, causing all the water to instantly depart from said watering holes with one gigantic, sweeping splash, which of course had other severe consequences like drought), sightings of the Afri-flu have also been reported (in wheezing, rasping voices) from several night spots in and around Johannesburg, Cape Town and Durban.

According to the most recent sighting claims, the Afri-flu was seen gnawing another hole in the ozone layer, this time above Bloemfontein. At first the claim was dismissively filed away in a government folder under "R" (for "Rubbish, blatant rubbish!"), because it was suspected that the whole thing was a desperate attempt by the Bloemfontein Tourism Board (but "Bored" is how they've been spelling it on their official stationery) to try and finally convince the world that things really DO happen in Bloemfontein. (Even if it IS only sometimes, and, technically, only ABOVE the city.)

However, the file was promptly removed from the "R" "Rubbish blatant rubbish!" folder when several other witnesses stepped forward, because not only did those witnesses have matching reports of the sighting (this may have been due to the fact that they were all interviewed together, in one room, but never mind), but they also had very concrete evidence (called "indisputable" by the government representative (the vice-chairman of the Afri-flu subcommittee) during his lengthy television news appearance. He insisted on using up every last second of his fifteen minutes of fame).

The "indisputable" evidence? Identical and very prominent farmer's tans, inspiring the vice-chairman to point out: "Those tans are indisputable evidence of another hole in the ozone layer! Bloemfontein residents used to have impressive farmer's tans before, but THESE!"

He paused dramatically, allowing the glowing tans to speak for themselves.

"As we all know, a good tan can only be judged by its tan lines, and we, the government of South Africa, believe that these tan lines are so impressive that these Bloemfontein residents will, for as long as these tans last, look as if they are wearing clothes, even when they are not!" That last remark had the Bloemfontein residents in question (who were already beaming brightly thanks to their ozone-free, early spring sun exposure), positively oozing with pride.

After the chairman's lengthy speech (during which he had managed to smoothly divert the attention away from the Afri-flu epidemic by convincing the Bloemfontein residents with the farmer's tans to help prove his point that they look clothed even when they're not) aired on television, the South African Broadcasting Corporation (SABC) was flooded by letters of complaint from the South African Skin Cancer Prevention Society (SASCPS) and the South Africans Against Nudity on Prime-Time (Or Any Time For That Matter) Television Society (SAANPT(OATFTM)TS). (And just as a quick, but fascinating aside: the SAANPT(OATFTM)TS is the first Society in sub-Saharan Africa (and the world!) to have parentheses within its acronym.)

Anyway, the Afri-flu is highly contagious. It spreads from animal to human (and vice versa), from fauna to flora and - as I've concluded from the sputtering noises and anguished beeps that came from the laptop before it froze, then overheated, then turned itself off (but not before it deleted all my work, including this and a few other words-in-progress blog entries. Alas, I'm afraid the laptop ate my homework!) - from human to machine.

On behalf of the chairman of the Afri-flu Subcommittee, I'd like to thank you for taking part in this voluntary experiment to see whether or not the Afri-flu is able to penetrate computer screens and infect readers of this blog, who, according to the chairman, are probably already a bit soft in the head (and therefore probably have very low if not non-existent immune systems) for subjecting themselves to this mindless, nonsensical drivel on a regular basis.

"In which case," he said, "contracting the Afri-flu would only do them all a world of good in the long run."

* The Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia makes a great gift, especially to hospital patients who can't sleep. Give them this book to read, and I guarantee that it will cure their insomnia. Because after reading this book and reading about all the things their doctors are probably NOT telling them, it won't be insomnia keeping them awake at night!