An extremely large, spotted creature (possibly a mammal) with an unruly red mane and absolutely ENORMOUS feet has been noticed again, for the first time in about a month, in the vicinity of the South African university town of Stellenbosch.

Descriptions of the creature are vague, but officials have decided to settle on one eye-witness account of it looking like “a frightening cross between a gorilla, a lion, a leopard, a buffalo, an elephant, a warthog, and a cow. Oh, and it laughs like a hyena.”

Citizens of Stellenbosch have been assured that the creature, although scary-looking, is not really as dangerous as it appears to be.

But in case those unfortunate enough to encounter the creature sense the possibility of an attack – like the creature displaying uncontrollable tremours, convulsions and foam at the mouth – the advice is to stay as calm as possible and to immediately placate the creature with large amounts of coffee, a book, something sweet to eat and some jazz music. According to a behavioural expert, this is a foolproof, fail-safe way to instantly make the creature comfortable and very, very happy.

Despite the creature’s lack of movement (due to its remarkably lazy nature), it has been surprisingly mobile. In recent days, sightings have been reported along South Africa’s beautiful Garden Route, on the outskirts of the Karoo, in and around the town of Mossel Bay, speeding westbound along the N2 Highway as it was being transported in a white van with a pack of dogs, in the Tyger Valley Mall and, currently, on a wine farm.

Until this past December, when a flurry of sightings were reported in Johannesburg, Cape Town and along the Vaal River, almost a decade passed with no sightings at all of the creature being reported anywhere in South Africa. Most researchers admit to being baffled by this strange fact, while other (more arrogant?) researchers ascribe the creature’s disappearance to a lengthy period of hibernation.

“Hibernation’s the logical explanation,” one of the more arrogant researchers was quoted as saying. “It is already a well-known fact that the creature roams at night and sleeps by day for up to twelve hours at a time.”

When a question was raised about migration being the possible reason for it seemingly vanishing, the researcher sneered and said that the creature couldn’t possibly travel far enough for the trip to qualify as migration, because the creature is simply too lazy and needs too much rest, too many frequent feedings, too much coffee and too many books, which means that it could never travel light enough to stray too far.

South African President, Thabo Mbeki, has said that he is thrilled to hear that the spotted creature isn’t extinct. Sounding more like an NBC executive than a head of state, he said: “For a long time, South Africa has only been content to have the Big Five. We are very happy to have the Big Sixth, the elusive spotted creature, to complete our collection of must-see wild-life!”

People who wish to see the creature are advised to be on the look-out around coffee shops, bars, Irish pubs, flea markets, dog pounds, book shops, libraries, jazz clubs, and shops that specialise in women’s shoes in freakishly large sizes. Prime times to glimpse the creature are around dusk and midnight. “Early birds shouldn’t even bother to look. The creature loathes sunrises, because it takes place so early.”