Redsaid

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can ~~stalk her~~ send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

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« Blog Baltimore »

May 23, 2006

Sonnet (well, sort of) from the South African Internet Addict – with thanks and apologies to Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Red Whine

How do I loathe thee*? Let me count the ways.
I loathe thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling bandwidth slight
For the lack of free local calls, such ideal Grace.
I loathe thee to the level of everyday’s
Most desperate need for unlimited surfing, by the monitor’s soft light.
I loathe thee intensely, as we strive for cheap, unthrottled broadband internet – our human Right;
I loathe thee completely, as thou turn further from reasons that would be worthy of Praise.
I loathe thee with the hatred thou use to aggrieve us, and cause our loss of faith.
I loathe thee with a loathing I seem to gain
With my lost Rand and Cents, - I loathe thee with the shallow, panicked breaths,
Sorrows, tears, of all my internet-less life! – and, if ICASA should at last choose a competitor,
I shall but rest better only after thine slow and painful death**.

* Yes, you’ve guessed it. Due to painfully slow dial-up and costly local calls – okay, yes, AND due to my lack of restraint and complete and utter need to be online a LOT – my mom’s phone/internet bill was really REALLY high. And my sister’s and bro-in-law’s as well. So if I get scarce(r than usual), just know that I’ll be offline somewhere, in the REAL world (*shudders at the thought*), where I’ll be doing something to try and pay off these debts I have all because our country has a manipulative, sadistic phone monopoly who hates South Africans and don’t believe that we should be allowed to have free local calls or inexpensive and unlimited broadband access.

** And upon Telkom’s demise, I shall gladly write an elegy.

Redsaid | 11:46 AM

Comments

awe red, noooooo. Did you hear that? The internet just fell silent... that's aweful news. Now who's blog am I going to read? (no offense to my blogrollers.... well okay, some offense)

and just when I finally started making the "opinionated" section of your blog... damn monopoly, damn parker brothers, and for that matter, the parker sisters!

I guess all my pissing and moaning won't do any good, I'll just do what all your others readers will be doing... and that's patiently waiting for your next entry.

All the best,
Michael

comment by miked at 08:59 PM on 05.23.06 [ link ]

btw, my grammer in my last post is dreadful... holy crap!

comment by miked at 09:00 PM on 05.23.06 [ link ]

I really, truly feel for you. My life has been completed now that I have broadband here in the home of the free and the land of the brave. South Africa was hell with dial-up and phone bills. I NEVER knew what was going on. Not to mention Ebay. Awful. Helcom will get it's due one day.

So you have my complete sympathy. And tomorrow I shall go to Starbucks for you. And spend lots of time online.

But do try not to be too scarce....

comment by ExAfrica at 09:04 PM on 05.23.06 [ link ]

Ooh dear spelled Helkom wrong! My Afrikaans always did suck. Ja Nee

comment by ExAfrica at 09:08 PM on 05.23.06 [ link ]

We have a company similarly vexing here on the West Coast. It's called "Comcast." Or, "Crapvast," as we have so affectionately nick-named it.

comment by kerri at 03:22 AM on 05.24.06 [ link ]

oh no red, i'm so sorry. hang in there. are there no flatrates you could order or DSL? i suppose it's tough since you're not living in your own apartment... we're here whenever you come back. you know it! :)

comment by kim at 06:07 AM on 05.24.06 [ link ]

That's the single scariest thing I think about when wondering if I'll ever move back home to SA. Unlimited 8meg broadband is a need, not a want.

comment by Ian at 12:47 PM on 05.25.06 [ link ]

I too am an internet addict, and have to struggle daily with dial up issues here in Australia.

It's about time they invented internet pills, so you could just take one in the morning and log on. You know, it'd be all like The Matrix, and Red would be like Carrie Anne Moss ...

comment by TimT at 09:41 PM on 05.25.06 [ link ]

Good loooooooord that's alot of comment spam!

comment by Ian at 01:18 PM on 05.28.06 [ link ]