Recently in From Flab to Fab Category

Last night I had the WORST nightmare.

No, it wasn't my usual "falling" dream where I have that roller-coaster feel on the pit of my stomach as I'm falling through space, and then I jolt awake just as I'm supposed to hit the ground... or in my case, the sharp rocks I am hurtling towards.

Analyse THAT!

Or don't.

Anyway, this nightmare also didn't contain monsters, bogeymen or ghosts.

It was worse. MUCH worse.

I was out in a shopping mall in the States, and I ran into my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend.

Apart from the fact that the witch was blonde (of course! Grrr...), I don't remember any exact details.

Except... and this is the truly nightmarish part...

Five in Oh-Five

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First I thought it meant gain five pounds in 2005.

And I thought, well, I don't really think I ought to gain even MORE weight, but who am I to argue, especially if the numbers check out so perfectly? Besides, I have always fantasized about random strangers (usually handsome restaurateurs) running up to me, bearing offerings like towering cakes and other sweet delights, begging me to PLEASE feed my starving skeletal self and to put some meat on my ever-increasing, protruding bones.

I complied by promptly gaining five pounds in the first month of 2005 before realizing that the whole 05 in '05 campaign being waged all across the internet is about LOSING weight and getting more exercise.

Damnation. I should've known!

So now that the reality of what 05 in '05 REALLY means has sunk in, I am pleased to declare, on this Fat* Tuesday, that I should be counted in.

Therefore: Laissez les terribles D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L*S rouler!

'Cause yeah, even I can walk five steps per month! (And here you were almost thinking that I didn't really know what 05 in '05 meant!)

* Isn't "Fat" a bit of a harsh description in this day and age, even for Mardi Gras? I think we should campaign to call it Super Size Tuesday (can you imagine the marketing possibilities at fast food joints?) or Rubenesque Tuesday or curvaceous Tuesday or voluptuous Tuesday or...

After months of being largely ignored studied intensively yet from a safe distance, I'm releasing the D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L from laundry drying duties and... sit down for this and clutch your trembling heart...

For the past few weeks, I’ve been acquainting myself with a treadmill.

And I assure you, so far not so good. It has NOT been a pleasant experience.

Now, before I continue you should know that I’m not known for agility, grace or for being sporty.

The sportiest things I’ve ever done include being driven around at high speed in a wealthy date’s sports car. Oh, and I was actually appointed to the sports desk of a community newspaper in Johannesburg during my days as a cub reporter, believe it or not. The editors, the readers and I still wince collectively whenever that image is revisited, so I’d rather not elaborate. The risk of traumatising everyone all over again is too great.

Nightmare!

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Brace yerselves, because I've just remembered... last night I dreamed that I EXERCISED! Whoa!

No kidding.

I was on the treadmill and I was FLYING. No huffing and puffing, no sweat, no fatigue, no cramps or aches or pains.

In fact, in my dream (nightmare?) I had so much energy, I remember walking to every single one of the tracks on a 90-minute long CD and then I just KEPT ON GOING!

Yeah, right. Only in my dreams.

Anyway, I do have an idea as to what's caused this very disturbing dream, but I still would like to know what it means. Are there any dream-symbolism experts among one of you, my three loyal readers?

And even more importantly than that: can the dream be counted as real exercise?

(Take note: I'll be ignoring overlooking any answers boiling down to "no.")

Hooray! In that case, I'm done for the day!

Time for reclining and coffee and Dr. Phil and Oprah.

Many wise bloggers (redundant that, for thou art all wise, my clever, witty, web-savvy friends!) seem to be on their way to weight loss success, and of course, I too want to hop onto the rapidly departing bandwagon.

And that’s my problem right there, see. Because I know I’m supposed to be running alongside the bandwagon, or even push it for some much needed resistance training. But no, I want to hitch a ride while still reaping the same rewards as everyone else.

Ah, if only we could all do that… Wouldn’t that simplify life so much for everyone?

I can’t cook, therefore I don’t.

But with that endless and foolish optimism only experienced during one’s youth, I've always thought that, just because I'm a girl and it's supposed to be in our genetic makeup, I'd somehow grow into the ability (and into some boobs, while I was at it), just like my mom and all three of my older sisters did. That one day I would wake up and voila, I'd also be a gourmet chef, because that is supposed to be the natural order of things, right?

I've certainly done my bit by enlisting some assistance along the way in the form of buying Cooking for Dummies, proudly displaying it in the coffee maker's private quarters (that room which, in normal homes, is better known as the "kitchen."). I’ve even stared at the book intently for days whilst sipping my coffee, patiently waiting for all that printed knowledge to jump into my head through sheer osmosis.

So today is the First Day of a New Month (you can’t accuse me of never being informative on here, ‘eh?), and in my pitiful existence, this means that it is again time for my all-engrossing ritual of making and breaking New Month’s Resolutions.

Every month this ritual begins in more or less the same manner, with me being filled to the brim with those road-to-hell-pavers: good intentions.

Let me explain how this process works.



















about
is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

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comments
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Terra: YES! Wait... you didn't think that I would be this possessed to post for NO REASON, did ya???... [go]
  • Terra.Shield : OH! ... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: Be a bit like serving drinks at AA?... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: I personally think it is a mindset that has been cultivated over the years, and one, if not stemmed,... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Ms. Crazy Cat Lady Pants!!! Squeeeee! Sooo good to see you! (I thought NO ONE was bothering to read ... [go]
  • Ms. Pants : Kitties don't get enough credit sometimes. (All times, if you ask me, but I'm a Crazy Cat Lady.)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Hey Tamara! I know, right?? That is a tough act to follow indeed. I adored that dentist. He used to ... [go]
  • Tamara Tipton : Well, I am not sure how any dentist could live up to that standard! LOL! I hope your appointment was... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: I'm really really glad that I'm not the only one, Po! Sometimes I drive myself mad with all the what... [go]
  • Po : Those questions run through my heads for various times in my life too, that is for sure!... [go]
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