Recently in Help Wanted Category

Before I explain today's rather titillating title...

Nothing else ever came of last week's horrorscope. Remember? The one that had promised me that my dreams would come true on Thursday?

Well, it didn't.

So I thought, maybe they meant THIS Thursday. But apparently not, because it's already 9pm here, and, well, naught. I'm still in South Africa. I'm still unpublished. I'm still broke.


Let's not allow a dark cloud of despair to mar our usual sunny dispositions, shall we?

Because we can always make someone else's dreams come true!

And here's where my Cowboys come in. They have been pre-nominated for the 2008 Weblog Awards! I don't think I need to tell anyone what an Extremely BIG Deal that is!

Now, as I understand it, people need to second and third and fourth and whatever-high-amount-we-can-get-up-to their nomination. That way, they have a better chance of ending up being among the final nominees.

Their blog has been nominated in the Best Design category, and with good reason. It is a really gorgeous design, extremely retro film noir, depicting them all as smouldering 1940s gumshoes.

In fact, I wouldn't mind at all to have one or two of them tailing ME around!

Then again, such a pointless exercise is bound to kill them, because they will all simply be bored to death!  

So please help them out by going to this link and just clicking on the green plus sign below any of the Wetwired entries?


Desperate times call for desperate measures.

I've appointed a campaign manager (well, 'appoint' would imply that she 1) is getting paid 2) had a choice in the matter - but let's not get bogged down by too many minor or major technicalities) to help take me through these final, bleak hours of my futile campaign.

So here, almost verbatim-ly (ED: Is that even a WORD? RED: If you MUST know, the -ly add-on is my attempt at doing an Irish lilt) in her words, is my final plea...

“If I win the Can You Twist competition I, Red, will ensure a brighter future for the world’s children. (RED: And dogs. ED: ... RED: Shut up!) Everyone who wants to work will have a job, and everyone that wants to lounge around and do nothing will get to do that as well, while getting paid.

I, Red, pledge to lower taxes, cholesterol, and the common denominator. They said it couldn’t get lower… I say THEY HAVEN’T TRIED HARD ENOUGH.

So vote for me, Red*, in the Can You Twist competition today, because if you don’t someone else might win and fuck** up your life completely.

Paid for by the People Who Loaned Money to Red and Now Need It Back, But Won’t Get It Unless She Wins Foundation."

*My real, and most unfortunate name, is the one that almost looks like 'bagel', but isn't pronounced even remotely the same as bagel. You need to know that for voting purposes. But just to be clear, my name is NOT Alice, Jeanne, Bridget, Laurian or Nikki...

**Apparently that word is Irish for muck. Because she is Irish. With 110% pure Guinness coursing through her veins to prove it.

I just received hundreds of e-mails (okay, okay... two) to tell me that something is up with my comments again. Is it true? Tell me! Comment immedi... Oh, right. Please e-mail me if you are unable to comment.

Chances are, it's probably true though. A few weeks ago, my gracious hosts had to disable my comments because I was getting spammed by people offering to enlarge all sorts of things for me!

And not just the usual things. This time, they offered to enlarge body parts I didn't even know COULD be enlarged. Like my ears! Probably so I could hear the spammers better as they poured into my inbox? Or wear more earrings at once? Have elephant-sized ears to match the rest of me?

In fact, one spammer was keen to cover all possible bases: "Enlarge your enormous tits, arse, boobs, vagina, penis, lips, fingers, toes." (And of course, typing out all those words is probably going to attract a whole new breed of readership to this here lil' blog!) Or maybe he was just fed-up with his job.

Do you think spammers get fed-up with their jobs? Oh, right. You can't reply, so I guess that was a rhetorical question. If they do, it would at least be somewhat satisfying to us, their victims, to know that they loathe their jobs.

Imagine this. Spam Boss to Spammer: "I need you to send out at least 5 million of these today! Before lunch! Distribute them as evenly as possible between these seven blogs. But send this Redsaid person a few hundred thousand extra, because she doesn't seem to be using her blog all that much anyway. So we might as well invade it."

Spammer, thinks to himself: "Oh please don't tell me we are doing the rabbit porn links again! Those rabbits going at it just hurts my eyes. Why not Viagra or Methadone?"

See? A spammer who has our health and well-being in mind. So touching.

By the way, seems the hosts did indeed shut down my comments due to incessant spamming, again.

Here's the official word from hosting. Now can someone please tell me what this means in English and how much it will cost to do all the things they tell me to do? Because there's NO WAY I can do it by myself.

"The script was renamed after we noted quite a serious issue with spammers populating your comments. Their use of your comments was creating stability issues on the server, by posting hundreds and hundreds of comment attempts in a very short period of time. Abuse sent a note off via email to you, but it looks like you didn't receive it.

it isn't very clear which version of MT you're using, but if you're not using at least version 3.2 (My answer: MT 2.661), you should upgrade, as that version has more tools available to fight the spambags. In addition, you should rename the comment script to something other than mt-comments.cgi, since the spammers use automated scripts to just run a blog and post their junk. If you're not closing off older posts to comments, you should do that as well, as that will take care of some of it as well." (Oh, I do, dear hosts, I do. Manually. Every week. But somehow the buggers have figured out how to spam posts that are STILL IN DRAFT!)


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Two of my three readers (the only two, actually, who aren't imaginary! Isn't that lucky?) kindly informed me via e-mail that my comments seem to be broken.

I'm glad they told me, otherwise I probably NEVER would have known.

My uneducated guess is that the broken comments is in some way related to the fact that the entire blog was recently broken.

I suppose my brilliant web mechanics had to sacrifice something in order to get the blog to appear again.

If so, they shouldn't worry, I totally relate. According to Ikea's furniture building instructions, one always had to have NO EXTRA parts or screws leftover when one had finished assembling whatever it was that one had put (or tried putting... remember this?) together.

And of course, without fail, I always had a whole toolbox worth of miniature screws, nuts, bolts and brackets leftover when I was done assembling an Ikea desk, chair, bed or bookshelf. It was enough to drive me so nuts until I finally felt as if I was the one who had a screw loose. But since the furniture always ended up looking more or less like it did on the picture - even though mine DID look and feel a bit more wobbly and skew - I finally figured that those unused screws, nuts, bolts and brackets were obviously just there for show, only serving to make an amateur furniture builder like myself feel Important.

In the same way, my web mechanics probably figured that the unused comments section on this blog was only here for show, only serving to make an obscure blogger like myself feel Important.

On Wednesday night my beautiful sister and her boyfriend were the victims of a hijacking and an armed robbery in Johannesburg. The gang of four attackers didn't steal the car because it became wrecked during the incident, otherwise they probably would've.

I'm very relieved to tell you that they are alive (despite being shot at no less than FOUR TIMES. Luckily the four bastards couldn't aim to - pardon the pun - save their lives).

My sister is obviously rather traumatised, to put it mildly.

The shock and horror of South Africa's rather high rate of violent crime striking us so close to home has our whole family reeling. Especially me. I'm honestly not taking it well.

And her poor boyfriend? This is the second time in less than a year
for him. Last year he was the victim of an armed home invasion
during which he and his kids were tied up, held up at gun point, taunted,
threatened and robbed.

To top it all off, my mom was robbed of her cell phone while she was
grocery shopping yesterday. It was in her jacket pocket and a guy bumped
into her and pick-pocketed her. Considerably less earth-shattering,
yes, but still... it leaves one so angry and frustrated at the
pointlessness (is that even a word? I can't even think today) of it

And meanwhile, our Minister of (Un)Safety and (In)Security has said,
on record, that white people are making up crime; that it's all in our
minds. Oddly enough, ALL of South Africa's people are suffering under
this 'phantom' crime, and all of us will continue to suffer as he
displays such blatant ignorance and disregard for our safety and his
lack of initiative to do anything about it.

I am SO happy that my sis is alive, but I'm also SO sad that it even happened in the first place.

Yes, I know that violent crime and bad things happen everywhere in the world, but here, it seems everyone has been personally affected, or knows someone who has been affected, by violent crime. And not once during my nine year stay in the States did I meet anyone who had been hijacked. Sure it happens there too, but it's not nearly as rampant there as it is here.

I'm so sad, because there's so much more to South Africa than this. We have the potential to be a great destination and an even greater nation. It is undoubtedly beautiful here, and despite the current chill (but it is winter after all, so I guess I should tolerate it a little longer), our weather really is remarkably lovely. And, like the weather, the majority of the people are genuinely warm with sunny dispositions.

Enough unnecessary blood and tears have been spilled onto and seeped into this soil. Where her heart of gold has kindly pulsated to a gentle rhythm for centuries, it has now contracted in pain, and Mama Africa is once again silently weeping for her Southernmost child.

UPDATE: My heart has just broken a bit more. Check out what a friend just sent me.

Considering that it has recently entered its Terrible Two’s, this blog has been extremely quiet and remarkably tantrum-free. Could it possibly be the proverbial quiet before the storm?

It’s doubtful, because I’m still as lazy as ever and one has to keep in mind that I have a reputation to uphold as the World’s Laziest Blogger (and I have recently added the somewhat shameful title of Most Ignored Blog to my treasury of fictitious awards), so I’ve figured that a burst of abundant, regular posts would only confuse and bewilder my already nervous phantom readers.

However, since I’ve been suffering the fate of an (cue scary rolling thunder) Internet Ban due to sky-high phone bills (*shudders*), I’ve been overcome by the strangest sensations.

Symptoms have included a tingling sensation in my fingers causing me to nervously drum them on any available surface, almost like a constant touch-typing, right-clicking motion. Whenever I have seen computers on television (or in real life), I have broken out in a cold sweat and full-body tremours.

Suddenly every single thought I have would have translated into the most excellent blog posts. In fact, nowadays I even DREAM about blogging and high-speed wi-fi! (WHADOYOUMEAN I should get a life?!? Speak for yourself… especially if you’re reading this right now…)

It’s so typical of my life. When I was in the States where I had the luxury of uncapped bandwidth coursing at high speed through my late laptop’s veins (or wherever it is where bandwidth floweth), I preferred lying on the couch, watching Oprah.

Now, make no mistake, lying down is still my position of choice, but now that I’m back in a country where Internet access is so expensive, it may as well be classified as an elitist luxury item (like books – yes, alas, new books are rather pricey here in my homeland), all I want to do is be online and blog.

Instead, I’ve been forced to LIVE OFFLINE…

Oh, believe me, it gets more dire. Because I have also been forced to TALK TO PEOPLE FACE TO FACE! Which, believe me, is much scarier for them than it is for me.

So now, suddenly, all I long for is to be left in a dark room tethered to a mouse and a keyboard and a fast, unlimited Internet connection, my freckles erased by the flattering, luminous glow emitted by the computer screen, a large yellow Labrador retriever curled up by my feet and an enormous Starbucks latté by my side…

And yeah, a nice snog won't hurt either.

Well, I might not have ever received my Green Card, but something has happened that may have finally made all those long, fruitless years of living abroad worth it.

This humble little bloggie of mine was nominated for a South African Blog Award in the category for Best Overseas Blog!

Granted, it did not receive a nomination in the Most Frequently Updated Blog category (I wonder why on earth not? Oh, right… and also, luckily there isn’t such a category!).

Seriously though, I’m absolutely elated and deeply touched to even be considered alongside blogs so much worthier (and more regularly updated!) than mine. I’m also thrilled to see so many of the folks on my blogroll have been nominated and that there are so many new nominees (yes, I’m not really the competitive sort).

An honour like this is far better than a silly little Green Card that isn’t even green, don’t you think?

Like last year, you (and all your hundreds of readers and friends) can vote for me (once a day - otherwise, if you try to vote more than once a day, your first vote will be null and void and you won't be able to vote again until the next day)until next Friday, March 3) over on this here site.

And like last year, please please PLEASE don’t make me beg!?

Regular updates (don’t laugh, you never know! Miracles are known to happen! Case in point: this nomination of mine) will continue below this “sticky post,” so please continue to check in!

Cherry and his bevy of bloghers


One of my very first buddies in blogging - the ultra-cool and madly talented Cherryflava - thinks it's about time to add a woman's touch to his blog.

I was just about to pack up my very girly scented candles (er... Cherryflava'd, the lot of them, of course!) and my collection of how-to books and head on over there, until I saw that he wants a girl writer with TALENT.

Luckily for him, there seems to be no short supply of talented girls in the Cape Town area (that was another preference, although not an absolute must) with rockin' writing skills.

Unluckily for him, it also makes picking just one a bit more difficult. Which is why he has resorted to a good, old-fashioned write-off.

Head on over there, why don't you? Witness the girls in action in day two of the write-off, and help the boy decide which one of those girls would add the most feminine flava to his domain.

The competition is fierce: ranging from the typical girl-talk (SHOES! Internet dating! Romantic hide-aways!) to the tech (Online phone services) to the where-to-be-seen scene. In other words, it's Cherry, but it's also sugar and spice and all things nice.

Quick! One of the girls is about to be impaled by a six-inch Manolo, wielded by a girl with a cocktail stain on her dress...

July 4th, 2005

Dear United States of America,

Hello again. It's me, Red. The last time I wrote to you was exactly one year ago, when I wished you a Happy Independence Day and asked you very nicely for a Green Card (which is actually pink).

Well, now another year has gone by (so again, I wish you a Happy Independence Day) and I still haven't received the Green Card, which brings the total amount of time I've been waiting to four years now.


That translates into 28 dog years.

That's from one leap year to the next.

That's one presidential term.

That's longer than some people stay married.

That's enough time for newborns to grow into toddlers with motor skills and language skills and in some cases, even enough attitude to drive their parents crazy.

Enough time for young adults to go from high school grads to college grads.

In the four years I've been waiting, skyscrapers have been built, wars have been fought, governments have been overthrown.

Now I'm finally starting to believe that maybe you don't want me here.

But before I give up, I've decided to take a poll amongst your people (but since I need all the encouragement I can get, from non-American people as well. Since yours is a nation of immigrants, that'll be okay with you, won't it?).

I want them to decide whether they think I'm ready to receive a Green Card.

If they think I am, I'm asking them to please just say yes in the comments. You know, like a real petition. They're welcome to add any additional thoughts they might have, but a plain and simple and yet very profound 'yes' will do.

I shall leave this petition up in a "sticky entry" on my blog until the end of this month, and then I'll send it to your government.

Thank you.

Respectfully Yours,


P.S. Updated postings continue below this entry.

Yes... your eyes are not deceiving you. That up there really DOES say "DSL."

The boy and I have finally seen the light.

Actually, we're just downright tired of having dial-up at the speed (ha ha! I said "speed" and "dial-up" in the same sentence) of 0.01 kbps (and that .01 is on a GOOD day, I should add!), and everyone else is tired of our phone line always being busy in the hours that it takes me to surf the web every day, so we are finally shopping around for DSL.

But I have barely begun poking around online to see what's on offer and - this should come as no surprise to you - I'm already confused. And y'all KNOW that it doesn't take very much to confuse the likes of me!

So of course, I've decided to enlist your help, oh, ye wise, web-savvy ones!

Here's the thing. Our phone service provider is Verizon. Our dial-up provider is SBC-Yahoo. Boy isn't keen on the idea of transferring all his e-mails from his SBC-Yahoo account (he's had that e-mail for YEARS), so he would like to get SBC DSL. However, we're not sure if we would be able to get SBC DSL with a Verizon phone service. Also, I've read some bad reviews about SBC (while "DSL-HELL" appeals to my sense of rhyme, it does NOT sound good when read by a potential customer in a service review!).

I see that Verizon also has DSL service, but getting that would probably involve a mass exodus of e-mails and e-mail subscriptions of the boy's e-mail account.

But now I've also seen DSL services like Speakeasy (that sounds like my kind of DSL joint! After-hours boozing comes to mind. And fried food. I can already hear the poetry of Langston Hughes as well as jazz tunes on the jukebox...) and the other one that begins with a C (I'm not trying to be funny, I really can't remember and I'm afraid that if I start looking it up, I might get soo lost that I'd never find my way back here again. And no, it isn't Comcast).

Speaking of Comcast. We don't want cable. It's seems very expensive, and besides, Comcast seems to have a monopoly on the Baltimore area, and that, to me, is just wrong.

Oh, and speaking of areas... I see that some DSL providers are not available in certain areas?

Please advise!?

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)


  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Terra: YES! Wait... you didn't think that I would be this possessed to post for NO REASON, did ya???... [go]
  • Terra.Shield : OH! ... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: Be a bit like serving drinks at AA?... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: I personally think it is a mindset that has been cultivated over the years, and one, if not stemmed,... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Ms. Crazy Cat Lady Pants!!! Squeeeee! Sooo good to see you! (I thought NO ONE was bothering to read ... [go]
  • Ms. Pants : Kitties don't get enough credit sometimes. (All times, if you ask me, but I'm a Crazy Cat Lady.)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Hey Tamara! I know, right?? That is a tough act to follow indeed. I adored that dentist. He used to ... [go]
  • Tamara Tipton : Well, I am not sure how any dentist could live up to that standard! LOL! I hope your appointment was... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: I'm really really glad that I'm not the only one, Po! Sometimes I drive myself mad with all the what... [go]
  • Po : Those questions run through my heads for various times in my life too, that is for sure!... [go]
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