Recently in Jaw-Dropping Awe Category

"Virgo dear, make a list of all your dreams. On Thursday, some of it will begin to come true."

That is more or less a translation of my horoscope as it appeared in last Saturday's Afrikaans daily.

I remember that one, because the astrologist doesn't always address me that fondly. In fact, I've long since suspected that she (he?) has it in for Virgos...

("You, Virgo, aren't a perfectionist. You are merely an endlessly lazy, good-for-nothing procrastinator who then conveniently blames never accomplishing anything on a fear of being imperfect." That was an almost-but-not-even-really-nearly verbatim quote of a previous horoscope. See what I mean though?)

But Saturday's horoscope also stuck in my memory, because it's not often that the horoscope gets that specific and mention actual days. Usually it is far more vague, committing only to "your fortune should change around the middle of a month. Not a particular month. Just any old month in any old (or new) year."

Which I've never taken seriously, because, well, I've never HAD a fortune!! (Plus, even if I did have one? It never says whether it will change for better or for worse, the cowards!)

Now, before all of you, my esteemed and highly intellectual imaginary readers, scoff at me for believing in such claptrap, let me assure you that, of course I don't believe in these things! I merely read it because it happens to appear near the crossword puzzles - which I always attempt in my endless pursuit towards intellectual stimulation. (So what if it's a few pages removed from the actual crossword puzzles? I did say NEAR. And that is SUCH a relative concept, isn't it?)

Anyway, so I've been rather looking forward to tomorrow. In an extremely skeptical manner, of course, but still. I figured that even if all of it ended up being hogwash, my time of fervent hoping mild curiosity would not all have been for naught since Thursday is, after all, just a day away from the weekend. Which would immediately give me something else to look forward to.

(Even if I do still spend all of my weekends alone. By myself. Solitary.)

When I woke up today, there was no indication that this would be a supremely remarkable day.

I staggered to the kitchen, as always, blindly following the intoxicating scent of coffee.

Then, once I had been sufficiently caffeinated (which really, is never), I begun researching and writing, as always. (No need for all of you to know that I procrastinate and get distracted with blog-reading for hours and hours first!)

I posted a story to this community blog site I also write for.

And carried on with my day.

Later, I went to this site. I sometimes trawl it for additional distraction research.

And thought I didn't have nearly enough coffee in me and that I was surely hallucinating when I saw this: 

Words. Written by me. (Complete with an annoying grammar mistake which I had picked up and fixed in my actual post... but apparently that was not before some delusional creature benevolent soul had deemed it worthy of appearing on freaking MSN SOUTH AFRICA!!)

AND THEN... JUST WHEN I THOUGHT (okaysorryI'llstopscreamingnow) that my day couldn't POSSIBLY get any better, I received an e-mail with this subject:

YOU ARE A WINNER!

Which I of course immediately dismissed as spam.

Until I saw the reputable name of the sender. On whose blog I had entered a giveaway contest just yesterday, with absolutely no hope of actually winning!

Thank you so much, all of you lovelies at the oh-so-chic Elle Decoration SA blog! Your superb writing, stunning photography and impeccable sense of style are what mere mortals like me can only HOPE to aspire to! (Not to abuse the generosity you are already showing me? But would you accept unsolicited writing from a rather deranged blogger who just so happens to be a freelance writer? One who has always dreamed of writing for any member of the Elle family?) And thank you Putuymayo World Music! I've been a genuine fan of the label for a long time. In fact, during my years in reversed-exile, your African compilations were a constant companion, a soothing balm for my heart-ache and homesickness. And merci beaucoup to Mme Françoise Hardy for having a son, whom I correctly identified in order to win! I think Thomas Dutronc has just become my favourite name. Ever. In fact, since I loathe and despise my own so much (and the poor dears at Elle were subjected to it, as I had to identify myself when I entered the contest), I think I might change my name to Thomas. Non?

Okay, maybe not.  

And thank you, my horrorscope, for once getting it almost right! 

What does it take to pluck a blog from the murky, despairing, solitary depths of the worldwide cobweb... that creepy, perpetually dim corner of the Internet where largely ignored and highly obscure websites dwell? And which, coincidentally (or not), has happened to be the sole domain of this little blog for the last... well... many, many months?

You employ the likes of THIS girl genius! (Henceforth to be known as my lucky charm... she'll find out why in a bit. And it doesn't JUST have to do with the fact that this blog is being forced down the throats of unsuspecting feed readers well-fed again!) She prodded and poked me with a stick, and then did all sorts of web genius things to get me operational again...

And so here I am and able to say: Hello my scores of imaginary readers! It really is delightful to be back among your feeds!

WhadoyouMEAN you didn't realise that I was even gone?!? Thanks... I know it's been a few days weeks months, but you have to admit... that's a long stretch, even for me, the World's Laziest Blogger. I've lazily held onto that title for five years in a row, I'll have you know. And that's rather remarkable... especially if one considers that I have only been blogging for three and a half years!

Speaking of years... Wow, what a year 2008 has been so far!

Frankly, I was really really glad to see 2007 go. And normally, I'm so sentimental, I can hardly stand to leave a room! Let alone huge chunks of time (like years), or certain countries, or let go of my ever expanding collection of How-to books.

2007 lived up to its last three numbers since it REALLY kicked my arse. That's probably why I didn't have too many qualms to kick it on ITS puny little behind when the time came! In fact, had it been up to me? 2007 could have ended a year ago already...

2008 started off with a rather literal bang. And I'm not just talking about the fireworks which probably severed a few of its detonators' limbs (is 'detonator' even the correct word to call a drunken amateur who lights and sets off fireworks?) at the beach in Gansbaai where I was, scaring dogs and children and endlessly amusing inebriated adults for kilometres around (and yes, that last bit - the scaring dogs and children part? I'm totally talking about myself and not about the fireworks... sadly I don't think I was the one amusing the drunk adults...)!

No, the literal bang refers to the next morning, when my first act upon waking up was to slam my enormous noggin' against the bottom of the top bunk bed (of COURSE the youngest daughter is assigned the kiddie room at the beach house, didn't you know?).

And no, of COURSE no one believed that my ensuing headache was the result of that rude awakening and had NOTHING to do with what I may or may not have consumed the night before!

Okay, so that was basically all you missed until January 1st 2008. Riveting, 'eh?

See why I haven't been blogging?!?

(So as a dinosaur veteran , I would just like to take it upon myself to give the novice bloggers out there some advice: When you start a blog? It's a good idea to have a bit of a life first that you can write about. Or, if not? Then at least a HELL of an imagination!)

But my sad lack of a life and imagination are really not the only reasons why I haven't blogged. Even though I'm sure you'll agree that they are all very valid reasons.

I'll spare you the rather gory details (exploding computers, for one...), but let's just say that me not writing? Well, it has paid off in spades.

You see, the South African blogging community has been soooo grateful at not having to be subjected to my feeble attempts in a while, THEY HAVE NOMINATED ME FOR THE 2008 SOUTH AFRICAN BLOG AWARDS!!!!

No, I can't believe it either... and if you (or they) or anyone else were to look closely at the three (THREE!!!) categories I am nominated in (and no, smart arses, they do NOT have categories called Worst Writing and Most Boring Blog On Earth, Let Alone in South Africa), you'll see that it had to just be a major oversight... a gross mistake!

But will what is clearly a huge mistake prevent me from shamelessly begging for your votes or resort to downright bribery to get it out of you? Well... no. Of course not.

So please clickety-click on that there fancy SA Blog Awards 2008 widget so beautifully embedded by Miss Dee in the left hand column (a.k.a. the sidebar) of this blog and vote for me?

If you don't, you might just leave me no choice but to do something awful... like BLOG EVERY SINGLE DAY!!!

So I know that I kept at least one guy occupied this past weekend!

He was such a gentleman. He did all the work and I received all the satisfaction. As if such selfish one-sidedness isn't bad enough, I have to rather shamefully admit that the poor guy also had to work very long and very hard before it was over. I honestly didn't think it would require this much work, you know? But he did it, without any complaint and showing amazing patience. (Or, if he did talk dirty or complain, it wasn't audible to me.) Then again, one would expect nothing less from a professional, wouldn't one?

I don't even think he is too expensive. I wouldn't know, because he rendered his services free for me. Isn't it delightful? He took one look and thought that I needed it. I've not allowed too many people in (one has to have major trust to expose such hidden parts), but I'm so glad I allowed him, because apparently the change, although subtle, is visible to everyone. I never in my wildest dreams thought that it would be, but it is! I know many people accomplish this step on their own, but I just couldn't.

In case you too would desire his services (and it doesn't matter whether you are male or female. He doesn't discriminate), I shall discreetly put you in touch with him.

Besides, you never know when YOU might need a major blog software update.

What? What did you THINK I was on about, ye dirty minded beasts? A new haircut?

(Yeah, yeah... I KNOW that writing something with a lame twist smacks of amateurism. I've never claimed to be a professional, have I? Oh, right...)

The gentleman in question is Miguel from WebaddiCT(s) . He undertook the mammoth task to upgrade this blog from the ancient, dinosaur version of Movable Type to this shiny, brand-spanking new one. Considering that he had no prior knowledge of MT, he did an amazing job, don't ya think? I know that a few of the changes are definitely visible to you guys, but man, you should see how awesome it looks back here now!! So much so, I might even be tempted to write on here every. Single. Day.

What? Don't look at me like that! Stranger things HAVE happened!

What's that? Like what, you ask. Oh, you with all your annoying questions... I'll think about it and get back to you.

Anyway, thank you so much Miguel and all the other WebaddiCT(s)! Who knew that the My Perfect City Challenge contest would have so many gifts-that-keep-on-giving in store for me! As if that radio isn't awesome enough...

Oh, and you know what else? A few weeks ago, I received another prize in the mail! Thank you, rockers at SA Rocks, for the gorgeous t-shirt. I can't wait for that rumoured season... I believe it was called 'summer' in ancient times, when it still dutifully showed up here in the Stellenbosch area every year at around September... to come around again one day. Because I plan to proudly wear it.

Because I have just read this.

Mr. Hanington, I wish I knew you in person.

But I am very, very lucky to know your amazing daughter. For a little while, I was fortunate enough to share an experience (living in a foreign country) with her. I just wish that we got to hang out more when we had the chance...

Now we are back in our original, opposite corners of the world, each battling our own demons and trying our best to move on and gain momentum until, eventually (hopefully) we'll take off and fly.

She is doing so much better than I am!

And now I know exactly why: She has the unfair advantage of having your genes!

What would YOU do in the following situation?

Say a major international magazine (both online and print) offered you a blogging gig - at no pay - do you take it?

They are promising "Major exposure."

Please tell me, oh phantom readers!

After 12 hours (yes, I am counting!) of NO COMMENTS, updated to say: Seeing that the phantom readers aren't coming through for me, please tell me, oh real readers!! Please, please I need to give them an answer soon and I really don't know what to do!

Among 'real life' family and friends, the tally thus far is: 10 CONDITIONAL Ayes. Three No Pay No Work, definite Nays!

... And totally mystified as to how it could have happened to ME, of all people. But very, very grateful that it did.

I honestly can't believe this!!!!!

Thank you to everyone who voted for me. Where'd you all COME from?!? (And no, I don't mean those of you who voted under duress. Oh, right. That means everyone who voted for me, then.)

Seriously though, I've read all the other entries, therefore I know for a fact that this was DEFINITELY not a case of the best writer winning. You guys all wrote rings around me. I want to live in all your versions of Utopia too!

Congratulations to all of them - and especially Yebo and iMod, the runners-up.

And of course, a big thanks to Accelerate Cape Town and the great Web AddiCT(s) who allowed me to join the party (even though I was way more than fashionably late), without even deducting points for my procrastination! You guys have seriously made my year! Congrats on pulling off a successful contest and on your site's stylin' new design!

I know there are other people to thank (I believe that I've actually WON AWESOME STUFF!), but I'm so dizzy with delight that I'd better lie down right now before I faint on the spot!

Wow! Well, this will certainly go down as one of the highlights of my week!

Thank you, Jay. My readers (the three real ones and the legions of imaginary ones) swear that they won't tell you that you've made an awful mistake.

Exactly two years ago today, after I had heaved and pushed and struggled and spat out several words of little eloquence, she, assisted by her and her, delivered my baby.

It was love at first byte.

Like all new mothers, I was immediately enamoured by my child. I believed she* was the most beautiful in the world, unmatched by her peers. A lot of people agreed with me, and of course, I believed every one of them.

Quite a surprising amount of people took an interest in my newborn's life, but unfortunately that initial enthusiasm and popularity were short-lived.

For the first few months of her life, my babe had a healthy orange glow to her skin.

A few months later – on my birthday, in fact - I awoke to find that she had turned blue overnight! Since she had already been quite lethargic and unusually quiet at that point, no one was particularly alarmed. In fact, I was rather deelighted by her new look and thought it was an exciting change!

Her new hue was not due to what many had mistakenly thought to be a rare virus, and she survived, which is a good thing, since her skin has remained blue ever since. (But just in case - and some people might find this peculiar and slightly macabre - I have already composed a few epitaphs on her behalf.)

And speaking of survival. We've been through a lot together, the two of us.

She has tolerated my trips down memory lane, my rare travels away from her, and the general neglect she suffered when I ignored her, and when I was too lazy or too busy with other things to spend time with her.

Like a champ, she has endured my cooking attempts. She has been a faithful, uncritical witness every time I attempted a new hobby.

Together, we’ve survived an almost devastating blow, and every day, we are getting through the somewhat arduous, definitely strange process of repatriating to a homeland that she has never known before now, except through the stories she has heard from me.

But there have been good times too. A year ago, on her first birthday, we received well wishes from one of our heroes, none other than Pulitzer Prize winning columnist Connie Schultz!

And when she was a few months old, she miraculously won a contest!

I know I didn’t have her in my life for 29 years, but now I don’t know what I would do (and often would have done, over these past two years) without her. You have to believe me when I say that she has changed my life for the better.

Whenever my life in the United States, so far away from home, seemed bleak, she gave me a reason to get up, to write my nonsense and in so doing, to connect with others. It has led to friendships in unexpected places, and even to a few exciting ‘real life’ encounters.

She has been a conversation starter, a secret, a passion, a load off, a joy, an amusement (well, to myself at least, even if not to others!), a haven, and a friend. But most importantly, she has been the one thing that has remained a faithful constant in my life at a point when so many other people and things and dreams turned out to be false and fickle.

Today she is officially entering her terrible two’s. Luckily, I’ve lived with my two-year old nephew, so I believe that I know a bit of what’s in store for me.

Besides, even before turning this infamous age, she has already displayed some shocking behaviour (like running up shocking phone and internet bills – granted, that happened with my help).

Dare we ask what could happen next**?

Happy birthday, blog. I love having you and I’ll be forever grateful to Emily for having that contest which brought you into my life, and for everyone who, for reasons utterly beyond my grasp, keeps on reading and egging us on with their comments.

* I'm sure there's a rule somewhere in the infinite cyber blogosphere stating that one's blog should be the same sex as you are. Which would therefore make Red a girl. (WHADOYOUMEAN Am I sure?!?)

* Swearing? Tantrums? Even MORE whining?!? Well, she can start cursing like a right sailor, for all I care, as long as she starts absorbing a LOT less spam.

Among the things in life I really find unfair (like animal abuse, war, corruption, the existence of certain U.S. Immigration lawyers, inflation, tax, throttled and capped broadband use… actually, let’s save some time and just say, the mere EXISTENCE of Hellkom) are women who dye their hair red and end up looking way better with red hair than some of us who are natural redheads. And those same women who then just happen to also be beautiful, AND clever, AND talented, AND funny… and so genuinely nice, you can’t even hate them for committing all the aforementioned sins.

And if you don’t think that such women exist, well… I know of ONE such specimen (er… speciwomen?). Like me, she is South African – but sadly, that’s where I should stop trying to find parallels between us. But I’m going to try anyway: the red hair, even though hers is just temporary. (But from the gray white strands appearing on my own head, so is mine, apparently.) And we’re both on a certain side of a certain decade… and… yes, well… sadly, that’s it.

Oh, and for further examination and intensive study, she can be found here.

I know those things about her, not only because I’ve been stalking her on her blog since… well, so far back, I don’t even remember. But because – and hold onto your hats for this one – I have MET her! In PERSON!

In other words, believe it or not, neither of us was grasping a mouse or tethered to a keyboard, our complexions illuminated by the soft glow of the computer screen. We were actually speaking to each other. FACE to FACE. In BROAD DAYLIGHT!

Apparently this archaic practice of interacting with other people without the assistance of some sort of computer or telephone was all the rage a long, long time ago. I must say, even though it was strange to communicate without typing and looking at a computer screen, I found the experience oddly PLEASANT. Weird, huh?

She braved Stellenbosch rush-hour traffic (consisting of fleets of BMWs, SUVs, and the odd mule, ostrich, and elephant) and my coffee-making skills (ha ha! I mentioned “skills” and myself in one sentence!), and she came all the way from the neighbouring town just because I was absolutely desperate and begged to meet her she wanted to meet me. Me!?!

She was awarded for her efforts with coffee so strong that it lurched out of her cup and curdled her blood, and a few lopsided cupcakes on the side. (I know nobody will believe me, since my lack of culinary knowledge is legendary, but those lopsided cupcakes were BOUGHT. And when they were bought, they were NOT lopsided. They only became a tad lopsided during the journey home.)

Oh, and she was also cursed rewarded for her efforts with me chatting her ear off. (So just call her Van Gogh. But depending on which side of her head she holds the phone to, she might not hear you. Har har.)

Seriously though, the girl is delightful. If you have never read her blog, you should know that you have been missing out. She exudes the same kind of restful vibe in person as she does through her writing and astonishing photography on her blog. At the same time, she is also funny and way too clever for her own good.

And now I shall exercise (ha ha! I used “exercise” and myself in one sentence!) great restraint and stop gushing.

P.S. She has been sworn to life-long secrecy (with an afterlife-long clause thrown in for good measure, in case she decides to have herself frozen and thawed in a million years’ time, or in case she has herself cloned, or in case she has an evil identical twin), and therefore no one will EVER know that I’m really just a crazy, erratic dirty old man who despises parentheses (really!) and who merely pretends on the web to be this crazy, yet gorgeous Nicole Kidman look-alike girl with legs for miles and an addiction to parentheses…

In this case, it's a bit of a belated Thanksgiving (as usual!).

Confused?

About a week ago (shame on me for waiting so long to acknowledge it!), I opened the front door and was greeted by a parcel from this lovely place. I almost didn't even look at the name on it, just naturally assuming that it was something that the boy had ordered for himself, but luckily my curiousity got the better of me and so imagine my joy when I saw MY name on the label!

This lovely boy had sent me the most longed for item from my wish list!

Thank you, Mike! That sweet and completely unexpected gesture has really made my month!

Apart from that lovely gift, I've also been receiving an amazing amount of support and words of encouragement through phone calls and e-mails from some of you to help me navigate these rough waters I'm going through at the moment. (For those of you who have no idea what I'm talking about, please be patient, I promise that you will find out soon enough. Don't worry though, although recent events in my life have been rather dramatic, it's nothing as serious as a death or an illness.)

Since today is Thanksgiving here in the U.S., I thought that it would be an appropriate time to say: "Thanks!" And: "You don't know how touched I am and how much your kindness means to me."

Blogging may be rather sparse for the next month, to which I hear you ask: "Oh, so what's new?"

Seriously though, I promise that for a change, I have a far better excuse for my silence than merely being The World's Laziest Blogger.

Thank you very much for sticking with me, and for your patience and unbelievable kindness.

P.S. Another thing to be grateful for: A dear friend took me to see "RENT" last night and although some of the songs from the broadway musical have been cut from the film (a time issue, methinks), the translation from stage to screen was, in my humble opinion, a very huge success. And yes, I did indeed manage to restrain myself from singing along, but I can tell you, it was REALLY difficult! So today I'm basking in the glow of my crush on Jesse L. Martin (who plays Tom Collins and whose smile lights up the screen) and the fact that it snowed when we left the movie theatre!

Here's "To days of inspiration, playing hookey, making something out of nothing, the need to express - to communicate, to going against the grain, going insane, going mad!"