Recently in Lazy blogger's salvation: Memes & Quizzes Category

... let alone summon up the time/strength/will/creativity to write ANYTHING non-work related these days, I have shamelessly nabbed this meme from Redsaid's resident web princess Dee. I've also blatantly disregarded the fact that it should have been one word answers. Yeah, right. As if I EVER do succinct!

Where is your mobile phone? Buried somewhere in my handbag.
Where is your significant other? With my bad luck and horrific timing and penchant for procrastination, he is probably long dead and therefore also buried somewhere. Not in my handbag though. I've already looked there for the elusive guy. Perhaps he is hanging out in all the wrong places?
Your hair colour? Clue is in the name of this blog.
Your mother? Sweetheart.
Your father? Chatty.
Your favourite thing? Just one? Really?
Your dream last night? Can't remember.
Your dream goal? A best-seller with my name on it. What, you didn't say ATTAINABLE goal!
The room you're in? Sister's guest room.
Your hobby? Reading.
Your fear? Just one? Really? Okay, fine... that it'll never happen.
Where do you want to be in six years? On a world tour.
Where were you last night? Not where I was supposed to have been.
What you're not? Sporty.
One of your wish-list items? Uncapped Internet.
Where you grew up? On a South African Bushveld farm.
The last thing you did? Made my sister a cup of tea.
What are you wearing? Pajamas.
Your TV? Small and mostly off. My entertainment is beamed at me via my small Worldspace Satellite Radio receiver.
Your pets? Technically, they're not mine, but I adore my sister, brother-in-law, nephew and niece's yellow Lab and long-legged fox terrier.
Your computer? A laptop that couldn't be any slower if it tried.
Your mood? Indigo.
Missing someone? Always.
Your car? Vintage and, thank goodness, automatic.
Something you're not wearing? A hat.
Favourite shop? Ever? A Salvation Army shop in Maryland where you can buy four hard covers for a quarter each!
Your summer? Slow in coming. I'd love for it to be eternal.
Love someone? Yes.
Your favourite colour? To wear, black.
When is the last time you laughed? A few minutes ago.(Watching Conan.)
Last time you cried? Over the weekend.

And if you've read all this who-gives-a-damn-anyway-drivel, you win the opportunity to complete this Meme on your own blog!
 

I'm sitting here trying to cook up a brilliant scheme on how to entice all of my millions (nay, BILLIONS) of imaginary readers to get their very real friends, and relatives, and colleagues, and colleagues' friends, relatives and colleagues... to vote for me in the 2008 SA Blog Awards. (Yes, yes... I agree... it was a grossly negligent oversight on their part to have nominated the likes of me, but shhh, I won't point it out to them if you don't, okay?)

And well, you all know how I suck at cooking... so needless to say, none of the schemes I've dreamed up thus far seems very... well... palatable. Or tasteful. Or well-done. Or even medium rare...

So as I go back to the drawing board (another skill I lack, but hey... I'm running out of alternative ways to say 'make a plan'), I have actually been tagged in a meme a while ago by this lovely creature. (Who is of course solely to blame for subjecting you all to this). Which I shall now resort to. As a last resort.

In order to participate in this particular Meme, the rules of engagement are:

• Link to the person who tagged you (Done!)
  
• Post the rules here (Doing!)
  
• Share 7 random or weird facts about yourself (Uh... ONLY A MEASLY SEVEN? I mean, it's hard to pick if one's very existence is centred upon the sad fact that one is weird in possession of a few quirks.)
  
• Tag 7 random people at the end of the post, linking to them (Will do!)
  
• Leave a comment on their blog so that they know they've been tagged (not anonymously!!) (Okay, enough with the homework already! And here I used to think that Memes were just a lazy way to blog...)
  

1. One of the most important things I've learned in my 33 years on earth so far, is that it's absolutely astounding how many people will believe you when you tell them that your birthday is on the 30th of February.

2. My sister and I use the same IT guys here in Stellenbosch (and no, you can't have them... we keep them VERY busy), and after me killing one and a half laptops (don't ask), and after my sister's PC began smoking (yes! SMOKING!) one day, the guys sat us both down and said that it really hurts them to see how we kill electronic devices, and that we should please consider using pen and paper from now on... And then they hooked us up to machines to see if they could get to the bottom of what exactly it is about our genetic makeup that inspires all things electronic to have such vehement reactions when we come near them... And then those machines that they had hooked us up to? Promptly exploded!

3. Since I've never in my 33 years had the pleasure of possessing cheekbones, I would very much one day like to have the following engraved on my tomb stone:
    Chisel it in stone
    And let it be known
    Red has finally located
    Her funny bone
    (Posthumourously)

4. The only reason why I'm not a more driven person, is because I can't find a chauffeur anywhere who would take the gig for free. (Well, maybe this dude would consider it! So tell me, after exactly how many miles does a test drive turn into full-on grand theft auto?)

5. The one (okay, the only) awesome thing about generally not being fit for human consumption, as I am? Is that it  greatly diminishes one's risk of being approached by cannibals.

6. And speaking of being human (or not... such as the case may be): The human condition is insufferable. Which is why it is such a relief that it's terminal!

7. After years and years of intently watching and studying the show (strictly for research purposes... and okay, in the hopes of sometimes seeing puppies), I have formed an intricate conspiracy theory regarding Oprah Winfrey and the celebrity couples who appear on her show.

Tag, you are it. And you, you, you, you, you and you!

Could've been worse. I guess I could've been gagged!

Oh, must I REALLY stop?!? MUST I? But I'm on such a roll!

Fine.

It's all HER fault. Apparently she thought (but was too polite to mention it) that this blog needs updating. So I've taken a break from the medicinal drinking (actually, I've let go of the drink, but luckily you get those long curly straws, so I can keep right on drinking whilst still having my hands free for typing).

Ten years ago
I was a reporter in Johannesburg, South Africa. It gets worse (or better, depending on your sense of humour): I was grossly miscast as a sports reporter. The only trouble with being a sports reporter in a sports mad country like South Africa, is that one really ought to have an inkling about one's subject matter. And, to put it mildly, I didn't have an inkling. In fact, just to cite one example of my ignorance: when asked by a colleague what I thought about South Africa's superstar golfer Ernie Els's handicap, I gasped and said: "He is DISABLED? I had NO IDEA that pro golfers could be DISABLED?!"

Five years ago
I had just moved from Washington D.C. and was living here in Baltimoreorless (but in a different house) and I was getting paid to watch American television! (Only in America! See why I love this country?) I was already an outlawed alien, but on the bright side of that, I was still in possession of all of my money (which I've since "donated" to a useless immigration lawyer).

One year ago
I was still an outlawed alien, but since I had already given most of my money to above-mentioned useless immigration lawyer and did not yet know that said immigration lawyer was entirely useless, I believed that I finally had hopes of becoming a legal alien, like Sting.

Five yummy things
1. Coffee. (I NEED coffee. Coffee is what carries the oxygen through my veins.)
2. South African chocolates.
3. Belgian chocolates.
4. South African chips.
5. The lips of the person you want to kiss. (All together now: Awwww.)

Five songs I know by heart
1. Every song on both discs of Rent, the musical. (I'm going to have to restrain myself during the showing of the movie! But just in case, I'll advise you all to not see Rent in any D.C./Maryland theatres, unless you adore the sound of off-key, yet enthusiastic and loud sing-alongs by someone who knows all the songs in a film. "Fiiiiiive-hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred miiiiinutes...")
2. My Funny Valentine.
3. Proudly, Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrika, South Africa's newest National Anthem. I learned it here in the States, by myself.
4. Almost every Afrikaans and English song ever recorded by my favourite Afrikaans artist, Laurika Rauch. (And no, her last name isn't pronounced like Roach. It has a guttoral 'g' at the end.)
5. Every single word to the Star-Spangled Banner. (Or, as I've been known to affectionately nickname it - since it's sung in a challenging key - the Star-Strangled Banner.) One would think that that would be enough to grant me an American Green Card (which I hear, isn't pink anymore, but in fact, now a sturdy document made out of metal and gold and which we are convinced contains GPS tracking devices and microchips).

Five things I would do with a LOT of money
1. Save as many destitude kids, old people and animals as I can.
2. Make all the members of my family comfortable and financially secure so that they never have to worry about finances.
3. Do the same for all my friends.
4. Eradicate illiteracy around the world by starting up reading programmes and building free, accessible libraries.
5. Improve the public transit system in South Africa. (For selfish reasons: I hate to drive and wouldn't like to have to when I visit/live there ever again. And trust me, you don't really want the likes of me behind a steering wheel.)
6. (Okay, I KNOW it's five, but I assume that I'll still have money left, and this list seems awfully goodie-two-shoes and so just to prove that I am indeed shallow and selfish:) I'll have a head-to-toe makeover and buy myself a lifetime supply of how-to books and adopt a pack of dogs and buy a house somewhere with an ocean view.

Five things I would never wear
1. A bikini. And yes, believe me, you wouldn't want me to, even if I ever DO get skinny. Because everyone on the beach would need special goggles to protect them against blinding glare if more than just the pale skin of my hands, feet and face should be exposed.
2. Hot-pants.
3. Most things that were considered hot in the 80's. I know that retro fashion fads tend to reappear again after a certain amount of time, but do we HONESTLY have to revisit the balloon-skirt, shoulder pads and large, neon-coloured accessories? Oh, and in South Africa, people also wore ski-pants under long t-shirts... *shudders.*
4. Yes, Michelle, I agree: A Boob-tube.
5. A catsuit. Nobody built like me should wear anything that is skin-tight, really.

Five favourite TV shows
Again, I'd like to borrow straight from Michelle and say: "Only FIVE?!?"
1. Any and all episodes of Absolutely Fabulous, sweetie dahlings! (Because, well, not that one has to have a reason, but because I AM Eddie!)
2. Anything on Aminal Planet with dogs in it. (Except Emergency Vets and Animal Precinct, because I don't want to see the doggies suffer.)
3. Lost.
4. Jon Stewart's Daily Show, even though we don't have cable!!!
5. OprahConanO'BrienBillMaherJayLenoGilmoregirlsTheOCEverwood... WHADOYOUMEAN writing show titles together doesn't mean that it becomes one show?!? When you've been on the couch, watching television, for months on end, trust me, after a while everything sort of blurs together.

Five things I enjoy doing
1. Have coffee.
2. Pet dogs.
3. Read.
4. Sleeping, but not at night. (I'm a night-owl.)
5. Celebrating thirsty Thirstdays with the Bookstore Diva and her posse.

Five Eleven people I want to inflict this on

1. Bookstore Diva!
2. FricaNatalie
3. Mikedup
4. Village Pig
5. Maison Pants
6. Dee
7. Will type for food
8. Pylorns
9. Cherryflava
10. Helen
11. Martha

Found this Meme at the lovely Martha's (who turned 30 on Monday. Go and wish her, I beseech you!). It's a great Meme. No difficult questions to try and answer in a witty or clever manner, no code to copy and paste after answering multiple choice questions. None of that. This Meme only requires you to Google the following: "(Your Name) needs" - The results could be quite hilarious.

At first I Googled my real first name, but since that name ceased to be popular in... oh, who am I kidding, it was NEVER popular because it's a horrible name and I'll never forgive my parents for it! Anyway, the real name didn't get any results, so I Googled 'Red needs' instead.

The mighty Google quickly found that Red needs the following:

1) Red needs linoleum for indoor areas… (Personally, I think I need a good shag (carpet, ye dirty minded beasts!), but well… )
2) Red needs attention (YES! A lot! Always!)
3) What Red needs is something to accentuate the burn (Er… no thanks!)
4) He told me that Red needs oxidation. (Sure. And I'm not even picky about what the chemical substance should be that must be combined with my oxygen, nor do I care who the 'he' is that suggested it!)
5) Red: needs graphics (Well, I just had a reDeesign, but I’ll certainly take a rain check!)
And lastly, my favourite:
6) Red, needs engine (ran out of oil)* otherwise good condition (Why thank you; you are not so bad yerself!)

Feel free to play.

*Isn't it fantastic that one of my searches contained parentheses?!?

This meme is sooo old retro, hopefully you can't even remember reading and doing it yourself anymore. And please, if you're one of those elephant-memory types, just PRETEND that you can't remember it anymore, okay?

I actually can't believe that ANYONE would want to know ANYTHING about me, let alone tag me on a meme, but whaddayaknow, apparently there is someone, because I have indeed been tagged! (So direct all of your hate mail to aforementioned domain name @..! Naah, I'm just kidding. I can't remember whether his domain is even a part of his e-mail address.) Oh, but just to be clear, he tagged me long before this meme became retro. But since you've never known me to do something in a timely fashion, I couldn't suddenly change my ways and become... gasp... DEADLINE-driven, now could I?

So here goes then with the retro-meme:

Three screen names I've had: I'm the type who forgets passwords and screen names, so I've only had a couple and they all contain "red," for obvious reasons.

Three things you like about yourself: I like to read, and I guess that's never a bad thing. Geez, I'm boring!!! So let's spice it up a bit. Besides, he didn't say that I wasn't allowed to embellish a "bit!" So here goes: I'm super athletic with a killer body. No, really, the doctor said that the likes of me run the risk of getting all types of killer diseases. Oh, and let's not forget that I'm a spitting image of Nicole Kidman. This fact is even more obvious if you're completely blind and/or very imaginative. Seriously, this would've been easier if you had asked me three things I don't like about myself!

Three things I don't like about myself: Oh. Oops. Careful what one wishes for! Okay. My inability to tan (I just glance at the sun through tinted windows and I freckle!), my lack of any useful skills, my procrastination.

Three parts of my heritage: Third generation redhead, South African, and by the looks of me, I'm sure there was some Viking interference in my bloodline generations ago!

Three things that scare me: Being stranded in a place where coffee isn't readily available around the clock, serial killers, and rodents.

Three of your everyday essentials: Coffee, how-to books and nowadays, streaming South African television on Kuduclub.com

Three things you are wearing right now: Jeans, tee, and perfume.

Three of my favorite songs: Oh, man! Just three? That's almost worse than asking me to pick fave books! Fine. I'll give the answer that will make me sound cultured and oh-so-refined. La Vie Boheme (the cast of Rent), Rachmaninov's 3rd Concerto (aren't I just SOOOO sophisticated?), and Dave Brubeck's Take Five! always makes me happy.

Things I want in a relationship: Love, laughter and every once in a while, some space.

Two truths and a lie (in no particular order): Oh, my. This question sounds somewhat familiar! I have one deformed toe on each foot. I've starred in a music video. I've been to Madagascar.

Three things I can't do without: Once again, can think of many things I WOULD be able to do without, but unfortunately, that's not the question... Okay, I know there's the obvious, like oxygen, a heartbeat, etc., so I'll say: My family. This would come as a surprise to them, I think, because I've lived so far away from them for the past nine years. Books. Dogs. Well, obviously I don't NEED dogs for survival, and I don't even have one right now, but I have to have a dog "fix" every once in a while. I just love dogs. They make me soo happy.

Three places you want to go on vacation: South Africa, Morocco, Tibet.

Three things you just can't do: Mathematics. Give up on this insane quest for a Green Card. Gymnastics.

Things you want to do before you die: Get this stupid Green Card process over with, travel EVERYWHERE, write and publish at LEAST one novel.

Three celeb crushes: Irish writer Roddy Doyle, Jon Stewart, and then Ewan McGregor and Craig Ferguson are tied for third place.

Three people you want to know these things about: Since I have exactly three readers (I KNEW it was bound to come in handy one of these days!), all of you. (That is, of course, in the event that you haven't already done it.)

The lovely Claypot, self-described Queen of the African Jungle - quite an achievement, that, since she's Irish - has tagged me all the way from her current home base of Zambia to do the following meme.

The meme originally entailed listing ten things you've never done, but Claypot has decided to put a bit of a spin on it, listing ten things you've done with ten things you've never done. I've decided that, since she's tagged me, I'm doing it her way. And just because I'm South African and can therefore not allow the Irish Queen of the African Jungle to completely upstage me (oh, yeah... too late for that. But I'll try anyway!), I'll say that you have to guess which of the following I've experienced, and which of the following I've never done/experienced. (And yes, actually Claypot didn't specify that either, so that idea is really hers as well!)

So here goes. I've never...

Found at Lomara's. (I feel completely illiterate. So if you don't see me for a few weeks, I'll be reading.)

Ok, it’s a long list… look through it carefully, then follow these directions:

bold those you’ve read
italicise started-but-never-finished
add three of your own
post to your blog

Only this one is to be filled out by the readers. Yes, that would be you. If you're so inclined, please copy and paste into the comments and proceed.

By the way, I nabbed it from Emily who in turn apparently borrowed it from Joelle.

So, here goes.

1. Who are you?
2. Have we ever met?
3. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
4. Describe me in one word.
5. What reminds you of me?
6. If you could give me anything, what would it be?
7. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
8. Are you going to put this on your weblog and see what I say about you?
9. What do you love like a fat kid loves cake?
10. What makes you come back here?

Knock yerselves out.