Red Whine: February 2006 Archives

Sorry Rap About Glad Wrap

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I stand before you today, my five dearest readers, begging you to PLEASE release me from my misery.

(I didn’t mean it like THAT, so please put those guns away that you’ve whipped out with such great speed and eagerness.)

PLEASE tell me that I’m not the only one among us who has the following torturous dilemma? (Perhaps all you foodies out there would be able to advise me.)

I DESPISE… no, I utterly LOATHE… Glad wrap.

I find absolutely nothing to be so “Glad” about when asked to use it. (In fact, I believe that a more apt name for it would have been “Sorry” wrap.)

And I’m almost always asked to use it.

You see, as has been established on here before, I don’t cook. (And that’s not overdone, that’s actually putting it medium-lightly.)

Thank heavens that most people who have the displeasure of knowing me in Real Life, have come to accept (if not fully embrace) my general helplessness and inability in the kitchen. The result is that I’m happily left out of any food preparation activities.

It’s widely known that I merely have to glance at the fresh produce to have it wither up and die. Add to that my uncanny ability to burn water, and I’m not even trusted to slice, dice or butter. Instead, I’m left with the cleanup part of the culinary experience, which suits me just fine.

Firstly, I’m very successful at cleaning off my own plate. And, remarkably, I don’t even enlist assistance from my canine companions when it comes to the cleaning of the other diners’ plates.

In fact, my dishwashing could inspire soapsuds to fly from here to the States and back again. I’ll rinse, dry, put away and even sweep without much hesitation or grumpiness or even a tear.

But Glad wrapping the leftovers… now THAT is something I hate and fear!

It should be a genuine, Google-able (Googlable?) phobia: “Glad Phobia. Fear of happiness and/or, more likely, of the sticky clear plastic commonly known as Glad wrap (no matter what other brand-name it’s sold under).”

As soon as I’m left with bowls of food to preserve and a roll of Glad wrap to allegedly assist with the preservation of said leftovers, my physical form senses what is about to occur and so it always happens that my right hand turns into another left hand, and all my fingers turn into uncooperative thumbs.

Well… actually, I’ve quickly derived inspiration from Eminem’s famous Wrap… er, I mean… Rapping rappertoire (okay, I'll stop soon, I promise) to help me explain exactly what I mean.

This is to be performed to the tune (beat?) of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself.”

(Keep the beat by banging on some pots and pans.)

Original lyrics to be found here:

Here then is my "Sorry Rap about Glad Wrap (to be performed to the tune… er… beat?… of Eminem’s “Lose Yourself”."

"Look, if you had one roll, or one opportunity
To Wrap everything you ever wanted – One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip?

Her palms are sweaty, fingers weak, hands are heavy
There’s food on the floor already, mom’s spaghetti
She’s nervous, but on the surface she looks calm and ready
To Wrap chops, but she keeps forgettin’
What happened last time, when the roll wouldn’t unwound
She opens the box, but the roll won’t come out
She’s pulling, but there’s no fooling her
The roll’s not out, it just won’t unwound, blah!
Snap it back to reality! Oh, there goes gravity
Oh, there goes the Rabbit Stew, it was smoked
She’s so mad, but she won’t give up that
Easy, no
She won’t have it, she knows her leftovers must keep
If it don’t it will reek
She knows that, but she’s weak
She’s so clumsy that she knows
She goes back to her fridge, that’s when it’s
Back to the Roll again yo
This whole Wrap shit
She better go capture these leftovers and hope it don’t slip her

Hook:
You better not lose your fingers in the serrated side of the box, the moment
You grab the Wrap, you better never let it go
You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to unroll
If tomorrow you want to still dine on this roll

The food’s escaping, through this hole that’s gaping
This Glad Wrap isn’t mine for the taking
Make me queen, as we move toward a new roll of Glad Wrap
Culinary life’s borin’, but Glad Wrapping’s close to post mortem
It only grows harder, only becomes stickier
She rolls it all over the Wrap is all over her
Toast to roast Wrapped, she’s known as the Sorry Wrapper
Sticks to fingers, Heaven only knows
How to do this she groans, she’s no Wrapper
She goes to the kitchen and barely knows her own leftovers
So hold your nose ‘cos here goes the moldy water
The leftovers ain’t lefovers no mo’, they’re mold product
They crossed over to where moldy leftovers go
Her nose closed, she smelled nada
So the Wrap Saga is told and still won’t unfold
I suppose it’s back to that old partna’, the Tupperware lives on
Da Da Dum Dum Da Da

Repeat Hook

No more games, I’ma change into what you call rage
Tear this muthaf***n’ Wrap off like 2 dogs caged
I was playin in the beginnin’, the mood all changed
The food’s been chewed up and spit out and now the stage
Where I keep trying to unwrap the next roll
Best believe nobody’s able to Wrap with this roll
All the pain inside amplified by the fact
That I’ve been trying this from 9 to 5
And I can’t provide the right coverage for my leftovers
‘Cos, man, these damn Glad Wrap rolls don’t stick
And it’s no BBC food show, there’s no Nigella Lawson, this is my life
And this Glad Wrapping’s so hard and it’s getting even harder
Tryin’ to Wrap the leftover feed, plus
Teeter Totter caught up between my fingers and the food
Glad Wrappin’ makes me scream on and
Too much for me to wanna
Make the Glad stay in one spot, another day of no leftovers
Has driven me over the edge, I would’ve liked my leftover’s hot
I’ve got to formulate a plan ‘fore I accept my Sorry Wrapping lot
Success is my only mutha*****n’ option, failure’s not
Glad, I loathe you, so this Glad Wrap of yours ‘s gotta go
My food cannot grow old in an uncovered pot
So buying Tupperware is my only shot
Tupperware fail me not ‘cos this may be the last chance at leftovers I’ve got

Repeat Hook

With Tupperware you can do anything you set your mind to, woman"

- Copyright, Redsaid 2006.

(This one is dedicated to my sister, whose birthday could've been on leap day, but luckily she made it out on the 28th. I'll wrap put your leftovers in Tupperware any day, sista! Thanks for taking me in (on?) and early Happy Birthday!



















about
is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)

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comments
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Terra: YES! Wait... you didn't think that I would be this possessed to post for NO REASON, did ya???... [go]
  • Terra.Shield : OH! ... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: Be a bit like serving drinks at AA?... [go]
  • Marco Author Profile Page: I personally think it is a mindset that has been cultivated over the years, and one, if not stemmed,... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Ms. Crazy Cat Lady Pants!!! Squeeeee! Sooo good to see you! (I thought NO ONE was bothering to read ... [go]
  • Ms. Pants : Kitties don't get enough credit sometimes. (All times, if you ask me, but I'm a Crazy Cat Lady.)... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: Hey Tamara! I know, right?? That is a tough act to follow indeed. I adored that dentist. He used to ... [go]
  • Tamara Tipton : Well, I am not sure how any dentist could live up to that standard! LOL! I hope your appointment was... [go]
  • Redsaid Author Profile Page: I'm really really glad that I'm not the only one, Po! Sometimes I drive myself mad with all the what... [go]
  • Po : Those questions run through my heads for various times in my life too, that is for sure!... [go]
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