Here's some unsound medical advice.

I received it from a friend who isn't a doctor (which is where I usually turn for medical advice, but only after exhausting my other resource for health and well-being from index to glossary: the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia) so you may want to take out a life insurance policy before you try it.

With so much serious authority in his tone, he must've been telling the truth, he told me the following:

"Whenever you have an ear infection and you wish to achieve optimum drainage, you're supposed to hang upside down."

"Like a bat?" I asked.

"You could say that."

(I think he was trying to break it to me gently.)

So, here I've been since then, suspended by my ankles from the ceiling fan.

I caught a glimpse of myself in the reflection of the computer screen, and my legs and body are so white (well, I'm a redhead, so I suppose it doesn't sound THAT different from any other time, except this time I'm sure I can actually see the outlines of some of my vital organs through this new translucence of my skin) while my face and head have swollen to twice it's normal (already impressive) size and are as red as a beet from having every single drop of my blood which is normally evenly distributed throughout my whole body collected right there in one place.

(My goodness that was a long sentence!)

I think my brain is benefitting from this position (even if my writing and punctuation clearly aren't), because since receiving this surge of blood into it, I've been able to think quite clearly.

Even though it feels as if my head wants to explode, which seems to be the only other side effect so far, which I suppose, along with the translucent bloodless body, isn't all that bad.

Also, from this angle, my legs look rather skinny. Which is a perk in itself, because when you're as white as I am, everything tends to look twice as big as it actually is in real life. (So please keep that in mind when you meet me in person one day and your first impression is a tempting: "My, but she is ENORMOUS." Remember that it's all just a big fat illusion.)

Anyway, so now, when people ask me what I'm doing, I can casually say: "Oh, I'm just hanging out," and mean it quite literally.

What's that? What? YOU WANT TO KNOW HOW MY EARS ARE?

Oh. That's right. That's what all of this was about in the first place.

Well... I suppose now they're full of blood, so it still sounds as if I'm listening to everything while being underwater.

But I heard on CSI (the other medical advisor I turn to for things not covered by the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia and my lay doctor friends. Like whenever I wake up and feel as if I've been murdered the night before, you know?).

Anyway, as I was saying, I heard on CSI that blood is thicker than water, so that's probably why I can hear even less now than I was able to hear last week, during the height of my ear infection.

So no reason to be alarmed.

Right?

RIGHT?

« hide more

Comments

when i have ear problems, i drink a lot of water. a. lot. of. water. the constant swallowing sometimes gets the muscles to "pop" and in addition, the water keeps you hydrated and helps flush out infections.

although the idea of you hanging upside down from the ceiling fan has given me the most massive case of giggles. :)

comment by kellen at 11:46 AM on 12.16.04 [ link ]

I'm sorry. I was plagued with ear infections all the time when I was a kid. It is no fun at all.

comment by kimberly at 12:41 PM on 12.16.04 [ link ]

Should you really be resorting to 'unsound' medical practices when you have an ear infection?

Okay. Bad time to be making such a joke. But hear me out...

Sorry. Being serious now. I really, deafinitely... that is, I hear that ...

I think I'll shut up now.

comment by TimT at 07:07 PM on 12.16.04 [ link ]

you may have a wax build up in your ear if you aren't sure what's causing the infection. if that's the case a doctor (a real one, usually an ear, nose and throat specialist) can go in and clean it out for you.

comment by martha at 08:12 AM on 12.17.04 [ link ]

sounds like you need to be shot and put out of your misery.

comment by pylorns at 09:06 AM on 12.17.04 [ link ]

Cool place you have here :)

comment by Sandee at 07:24 PM on 12.17.04 [ link ]

okay, first off, I gotta ask.... what kind of ceiling fan do you have and how was it installed.

I tried the very same thing and ended up ripping the damn thing from the ceiling. I layed motionless on the ground trying to sort out the stars and tweety birds.... When I got my head sorted I realized I did something that I don't think too many have done before... literally.

After three tries I finally got my foot out of my mouth. The taste of tough actin' tinactin isn't that great... way too minty!

So I have to ask you Red, for my own safety, where can I get myself a super duper ceiling fan? Not just for my safety, but I think you owe it to all your readers... don't ya think? :o)

Hope your feeling better,
mikey d

comment by miked at 11:37 PM on 12.20.04 [ link ]

Wow. And to think all this time I was just getting my ear drained by the doctor.

Don't ask.

comment by Janet at 06:11 AM on 12.23.04 [ link ]