First I thought it meant gain five pounds in 2005.

And I thought, well, I don't really think I ought to gain even MORE weight, but who am I to argue, especially if the numbers check out so perfectly? Besides, I have always fantasized about random strangers (usually handsome restaurateurs) running up to me, bearing offerings like towering cakes and other sweet delights, begging me to PLEASE feed my starving skeletal self and to put some meat on my ever-increasing, protruding bones.

I complied by promptly gaining five pounds in the first month of 2005 before realizing that the whole 05 in '05 campaign being waged all across the internet is about LOSING weight and getting more exercise.

Damnation. I should've known!

So now that the reality of what 05 in '05 REALLY means has sunk in, I am pleased to declare, on this Fat* Tuesday, that I should be counted in.

Therefore: Laissez les terribles D*R*E*A*D*M*I*L*L*S rouler!

'Cause yeah, even I can walk five steps per month! (And here you were almost thinking that I didn't really know what 05 in '05 meant!)

* Isn't "Fat" a bit of a harsh description in this day and age, even for Mardi Gras? I think we should campaign to call it Super Size Tuesday (can you imagine the marketing possibilities at fast food joints?) or Rubenesque Tuesday or curvaceous Tuesday or voluptuous Tuesday or...