Could've been worse. I guess I could've been gagged!

Oh, must I REALLY stop?!? MUST I? But I'm on such a roll!

Fine.

It's all HER fault. Apparently she thought (but was too polite to mention it) that this blog needs updating. So I've taken a break from the medicinal drinking (actually, I've let go of the drink, but luckily you get those long curly straws, so I can keep right on drinking whilst still having my hands free for typing).

Ten years ago
I was a reporter in Johannesburg, South Africa. It gets worse (or better, depending on your sense of humour): I was grossly miscast as a sports reporter. The only trouble with being a sports reporter in a sports mad country like South Africa, is that one really ought to have an inkling about one's subject matter. And, to put it mildly, I didn't have an inkling. In fact, just to cite one example of my ignorance: when asked by a colleague what I thought about South Africa's superstar golfer Ernie Els's handicap, I gasped and said: "He is DISABLED? I had NO IDEA that pro golfers could be DISABLED?!"

Five years ago
I had just moved from Washington D.C. and was living here in Baltimoreorless (but in a different house) and I was getting paid to watch American television! (Only in America! See why I love this country?) I was already an outlawed alien, but on the bright side of that, I was still in possession of all of my money (which I've since "donated" to a useless immigration lawyer).

One year ago
I was still an outlawed alien, but since I had already given most of my money to above-mentioned useless immigration lawyer and did not yet know that said immigration lawyer was entirely useless, I believed that I finally had hopes of becoming a legal alien, like Sting.

Five yummy things
1. Coffee. (I NEED coffee. Coffee is what carries the oxygen through my veins.)
2. South African chocolates.
3. Belgian chocolates.
4. South African chips.
5. The lips of the person you want to kiss. (All together now: Awwww.)

Five songs I know by heart
1. Every song on both discs of Rent, the musical. (I'm going to have to restrain myself during the showing of the movie! But just in case, I'll advise you all to not see Rent in any D.C./Maryland theatres, unless you adore the sound of off-key, yet enthusiastic and loud sing-alongs by someone who knows all the songs in a film. "Fiiiiiive-hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred miiiiinutes...")
2. My Funny Valentine.
3. Proudly, Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrika, South Africa's newest National Anthem. I learned it here in the States, by myself.
4. Almost every Afrikaans and English song ever recorded by my favourite Afrikaans artist, Laurika Rauch. (And no, her last name isn't pronounced like Roach. It has a guttoral 'g' at the end.)
5. Every single word to the Star-Spangled Banner. (Or, as I've been known to affectionately nickname it - since it's sung in a challenging key - the Star-Strangled Banner.) One would think that that would be enough to grant me an American Green Card (which I hear, isn't pink anymore, but in fact, now a sturdy document made out of metal and gold and which we are convinced contains GPS tracking devices and microchips).

Five things I would do with a LOT of money
1. Save as many destitude kids, old people and animals as I can.
2. Make all the members of my family comfortable and financially secure so that they never have to worry about finances.
3. Do the same for all my friends.
4. Eradicate illiteracy around the world by starting up reading programmes and building free, accessible libraries.
5. Improve the public transit system in South Africa. (For selfish reasons: I hate to drive and wouldn't like to have to when I visit/live there ever again. And trust me, you don't really want the likes of me behind a steering wheel.)
6. (Okay, I KNOW it's five, but I assume that I'll still have money left, and this list seems awfully goodie-two-shoes and so just to prove that I am indeed shallow and selfish:) I'll have a head-to-toe makeover and buy myself a lifetime supply of how-to books and adopt a pack of dogs and buy a house somewhere with an ocean view.

Five things I would never wear
1. A bikini. And yes, believe me, you wouldn't want me to, even if I ever DO get skinny. Because everyone on the beach would need special goggles to protect them against blinding glare if more than just the pale skin of my hands, feet and face should be exposed.
2. Hot-pants.
3. Most things that were considered hot in the 80's. I know that retro fashion fads tend to reappear again after a certain amount of time, but do we HONESTLY have to revisit the balloon-skirt, shoulder pads and large, neon-coloured accessories? Oh, and in South Africa, people also wore ski-pants under long t-shirts... *shudders.*
4. Yes, Michelle, I agree: A Boob-tube.
5. A catsuit. Nobody built like me should wear anything that is skin-tight, really.

Five favourite TV shows
Again, I'd like to borrow straight from Michelle and say: "Only FIVE?!?"
1. Any and all episodes of Absolutely Fabulous, sweetie dahlings! (Because, well, not that one has to have a reason, but because I AM Eddie!)
2. Anything on Aminal Planet with dogs in it. (Except Emergency Vets and Animal Precinct, because I don't want to see the doggies suffer.)
3. Lost.
4. Jon Stewart's Daily Show, even though we don't have cable!!!
5. OprahConanO'BrienBillMaherJayLenoGilmoregirlsTheOCEverwood... WHADOYOUMEAN writing show titles together doesn't mean that it becomes one show?!? When you've been on the couch, watching television, for months on end, trust me, after a while everything sort of blurs together.

Five things I enjoy doing
1. Have coffee.
2. Pet dogs.
3. Read.
4. Sleeping, but not at night. (I'm a night-owl.)
5. Celebrating thirsty Thirstdays with the Bookstore Diva and her posse.

Five Eleven people I want to inflict this on

1. Bookstore Diva!
2. FricaNatalie
3. Mikedup
4. Village Pig
5. Maison Pants
6. Dee
7. Will type for food
8. Pylorns
9. Cherryflava
10. Helen
11. Martha