Could've been worse. I guess I could've been gagged!
Oh, must I REALLY stop?!? MUST I? But I'm on such a roll!
Fine.
It's all HER fault. Apparently she thought (but was too polite to mention it) that this blog needs updating. So I've taken a break from the medicinal drinking (actually, I've let go of the drink, but luckily you get those long curly straws, so I can keep right on drinking whilst still having my hands free for typing).
Ten years ago
I was a reporter in Johannesburg, South Africa. It gets worse (or better, depending on your sense of humour): I was grossly miscast as a sports reporter. The only trouble with being a sports reporter in a sports mad country like South Africa, is that one really ought to have an inkling about one's subject matter. And, to put it mildly, I didn't have an inkling. In fact, just to cite one example of my ignorance: when asked by a colleague what I thought about South Africa's superstar golfer Ernie Els's handicap, I gasped and said: "He is DISABLED? I had NO IDEA that pro golfers could be DISABLED?!"
Five years ago
I had just moved from Washington D.C. and was living here in Baltimoreorless (but in a different house) and I was getting paid to watch American television! (Only in America! See why I love this country?) I was already an outlawed alien, but on the bright side of that, I was still in possession of all of my money (which I've since "donated" to a useless immigration lawyer).
One year ago
I was still an outlawed alien, but since I had already given most of my money to above-mentioned useless immigration lawyer and did not yet know that said immigration lawyer was entirely useless, I believed that I finally had hopes of becoming a legal alien, like Sting.
Five yummy things
1. Coffee. (I NEED coffee. Coffee is what carries the oxygen through my veins.)
2. South African chocolates.
3. Belgian chocolates.
4. South African chips.
5. The lips of the person you want to kiss. (All together now: Awwww.)
Five songs I know by heart
1. Every song on both discs of Rent, the musical. (I'm going to have to restrain myself during the showing of the movie! But just in case, I'll advise you all to not see Rent in any D.C./Maryland theatres, unless you adore the sound of off-key, yet enthusiastic and loud sing-alongs by someone who knows all the songs in a film. "Fiiiiiive-hundred twenty-five thousand six hundred miiiiinutes...")
2. My Funny Valentine.
3. Proudly, Nkosi Sikelel' iAfrika, South Africa's newest National Anthem. I learned it here in the States, by myself.
4. Almost every Afrikaans and English song ever recorded by my favourite Afrikaans artist, Laurika Rauch. (And no, her last name isn't pronounced like Roach. It has a guttoral 'g' at the end.)
5. Every single word to the Star-Spangled Banner. (Or, as I've been known to affectionately nickname it - since it's sung in a challenging key - the Star-Strangled Banner.) One would think that that would be enough to grant me an American Green Card (which I hear, isn't pink anymore, but in fact, now a sturdy document made out of metal and gold and which we are convinced contains GPS tracking devices and microchips).
Five things I would do with a LOT of money
1. Save as many destitude kids, old people and animals as I can.
2. Make all the members of my family comfortable and financially secure so that they never have to worry about finances.
3. Do the same for all my friends.
4. Eradicate illiteracy around the world by starting up reading programmes and building free, accessible libraries.
5. Improve the public transit system in South Africa. (For selfish reasons: I hate to drive and wouldn't like to have to when I visit/live there ever again. And trust me, you don't really want the likes of me behind a steering wheel.)
6. (Okay, I KNOW it's five, but I assume that I'll still have money left, and this list seems awfully goodie-two-shoes and so just to prove that I am indeed shallow and selfish:) I'll have a head-to-toe makeover and buy myself a lifetime supply of how-to books and adopt a pack of dogs and buy a house somewhere with an ocean view.
Five things I would never wear
1. A bikini. And yes, believe me, you wouldn't want me to, even if I ever DO get skinny. Because everyone on the beach would need special goggles to protect them against blinding glare if more than just the pale skin of my hands, feet and face should be exposed.
2. Hot-pants.
3. Most things that were considered hot in the 80's. I know that retro fashion fads tend to reappear again after a certain amount of time, but do we HONESTLY have to revisit the balloon-skirt, shoulder pads and large, neon-coloured accessories? Oh, and in South Africa, people also wore ski-pants under long t-shirts... *shudders.*
4. Yes, Michelle, I agree: A Boob-tube.
5. A catsuit. Nobody built like me should wear anything that is skin-tight, really.
Five favourite TV shows
Again, I'd like to borrow straight from Michelle and say: "Only FIVE?!?"
1. Any and all episodes of Absolutely Fabulous, sweetie dahlings! (Because, well, not that one has to have a reason, but because I AM Eddie!)
2. Anything on Aminal Planet with dogs in it. (Except Emergency Vets and Animal Precinct, because I don't want to see the doggies suffer.)
3. Lost.
4. Jon Stewart's Daily Show, even though we don't have cable!!!
5. OprahConanO'BrienBillMaherJayLenoGilmoregirlsTheOCEverwood... WHADOYOUMEAN writing show titles together doesn't mean that it becomes one show?!? When you've been on the couch, watching television, for months on end, trust me, after a while everything sort of blurs together.
Five things I enjoy doing
1. Have coffee.
2. Pet dogs.
3. Read.
4. Sleeping, but not at night. (I'm a night-owl.)
5. Celebrating thirsty Thirstdays with the Bookstore Diva and her posse.
Five Eleven people I want to inflict this on
1. Bookstore Diva!
2. FricaNatalie
3. Mikedup
4. Village Pig
5. Maison Pants
6. Dee
7. Will type for food
8. Pylorns
9. Cherryflava
10. Helen
11. Martha
Found this Meme at the lovely Martha's (who turned 30 on Monday. Go and wish her, I beseech you!). It's a great Meme. No difficult questions to try and answer in a witty or clever manner, no code to copy and paste after answering multiple choice questions. None of that. This Meme only requires you to Google the following: "(Your Name) needs" - The results could be quite hilarious.
At first I Googled my real first name, but since that name ceased to be popular in... oh, who am I kidding, it was NEVER popular because it's a horrible name and I'll never forgive my parents for it! Anyway, the real name didn't get any results, so I Googled 'Red needs' instead.
The mighty Google quickly found that Red needs the following:
1) Red needs linoleum for indoor areas… (Personally, I think I need a good shag (carpet, ye dirty minded beasts!), but well… )
2) Red needs attention (YES! A lot! Always!)
3) What Red needs is something to accentuate the burn (Er… no thanks!)
4) He told me that Red needs oxidation. (Sure. And I'm not even picky about what the chemical substance should be that must be combined with my oxygen, nor do I care who the 'he' is that suggested it!)
5) Red: needs graphics (Well, I just had a reDeesign, but I’ll certainly take a rain check!)
And lastly, my favourite:
6) Red, needs engine (ran out of oil)* otherwise good condition (Why thank you; you are not so bad yerself!)
Feel free to play.
*Isn't it fantastic that one of my searches contained parentheses?!?
This meme is sooo old retro, hopefully you can't even remember reading and doing it yourself anymore. And please, if you're one of those elephant-memory types, just PRETEND that you can't remember it anymore, okay?
I actually can't believe that ANYONE would want to know ANYTHING about me, let alone tag me on a meme, but whaddayaknow, apparently there is someone, because I have indeed been tagged! (So direct all of your hate mail to aforementioned domain name @..! Naah, I'm just kidding. I can't remember whether his domain is even a part of his e-mail address.) Oh, but just to be clear, he tagged me long before this meme became retro. But since you've never known me to do something in a timely fashion, I couldn't suddenly change my ways and become... gasp... DEADLINE-driven, now could I?
So here goes then with the retro-meme:
Three screen names I've had: I'm the type who forgets passwords and screen names, so I've only had a couple and they all contain "red," for obvious reasons.
Three things you like about yourself: I like to read, and I guess that's never a bad thing. Geez, I'm boring!!! So let's spice it up a bit. Besides, he didn't say that I wasn't allowed to embellish a "bit!" So here goes: I'm super athletic with a killer body. No, really, the doctor said that the likes of me run the risk of getting all types of killer diseases. Oh, and let's not forget that I'm a spitting image of Nicole Kidman. This fact is even more obvious if you're completely blind and/or very imaginative. Seriously, this would've been easier if you had asked me three things I don't like about myself!
Three things I don't like about myself: Oh. Oops. Careful what one wishes for! Okay. My inability to tan (I just glance at the sun through tinted windows and I freckle!), my lack of any useful skills, my procrastination.
Three parts of my heritage: Third generation redhead, South African, and by the looks of me, I'm sure there was some Viking interference in my bloodline generations ago!
Three things that scare me: Being stranded in a place where coffee isn't readily available around the clock, serial killers, and rodents.
Three of your everyday essentials: Coffee, how-to books and nowadays, streaming South African television on Kuduclub.com
Three things you are wearing right now: Jeans, tee, and perfume.
Three of my favorite songs: Oh, man! Just three? That's almost worse than asking me to pick fave books! Fine. I'll give the answer that will make me sound cultured and oh-so-refined. La Vie Boheme (the cast of Rent), Rachmaninov's 3rd Concerto (aren't I just SOOOO sophisticated?), and Dave Brubeck's Take Five! always makes me happy.
Things I want in a relationship: Love, laughter and every once in a while, some space.
Two truths and a lie (in no particular order): Oh, my. This question sounds somewhat familiar! I have one deformed toe on each foot. I've starred in a music video. I've been to Madagascar.
Three things I can't do without: Once again, can think of many things I WOULD be able to do without, but unfortunately, that's not the question... Okay, I know there's the obvious, like oxygen, a heartbeat, etc., so I'll say: My family. This would come as a surprise to them, I think, because I've lived so far away from them for the past nine years. Books. Dogs. Well, obviously I don't NEED dogs for survival, and I don't even have one right now, but I have to have a dog "fix" every once in a while. I just love dogs. They make me soo happy.
Three places you want to go on vacation: South Africa, Morocco, Tibet.
Three things you just can't do: Mathematics. Give up on this insane quest for a Green Card. Gymnastics.
Things you want to do before you die: Get this stupid Green Card process over with, travel EVERYWHERE, write and publish at LEAST one novel.
Three celeb crushes: Irish writer Roddy Doyle, Jon Stewart, and then Ewan McGregor and Craig Ferguson are tied for third place.
Three people you want to know these things about: Since I have exactly three readers (I KNEW it was bound to come in handy one of these days!), all of you. (That is, of course, in the event that you haven't already done it.)
The lovely Claypot, self-described Queen of the African Jungle - quite an achievement, that, since she's Irish - has tagged me all the way from her current home base of Zambia to do the following meme.
The meme originally entailed listing ten things you've never done, but Claypot has decided to put a bit of a spin on it, listing ten things you've done with ten things you've never done. I've decided that, since she's tagged me, I'm doing it her way. And just because I'm South African and can therefore not allow the Irish Queen of the African Jungle to completely upstage me (oh, yeah... too late for that. But I'll try anyway!), I'll say that you have to guess which of the following I've experienced, and which of the following I've never done/experienced. (And yes, actually Claypot didn't specify that either, so that idea is really hers as well!)
So here goes. I've never...
Found at Lomara's. (I feel completely illiterate. So if you don't see me for a few weeks, I'll be reading.)
Ok, it’s a long list… look through it carefully, then follow these directions:
bold those you’ve read
italicise started-but-never-finished
add three of your own
post to your blog
Only this one is to be filled out by the readers. Yes, that would be you. If you're so inclined, please copy and paste into the comments and proceed.
By the way, I nabbed it from Emily who in turn apparently borrowed it from Joelle.
So, here goes.
1. Who are you?
2. Have we ever met?
3. Give me a nickname and explain why you picked it.
4. Describe me in one word.
5. What reminds you of me?
6. If you could give me anything, what would it be?
7. Ever wanted to tell me something but couldn’t?
8. Are you going to put this on your weblog and see what I say about you?
9. What do you love like a fat kid loves cake?
10. What makes you come back here?
Knock yerselves out.
Fine! I did it! Okay?!?! :)