Remember how I’ve been begging you all to send me hate mail so that I too could get a taste of what it would feel like to be a P*O*P*U*L*A*R blogger?

Well, stop the clock! Because at last, someone who apparently didn’t like what I had to say in this last post, took the time especially to not only dream up a pseudonym (the very heart-warming “Yourreader”), but also a fake e-mail address (Yourreader@email.com) AND to – even after going to all that trouble - still leave me a comment! This has made me almost as happy as the day I was Googlewhacked. Okay, okay… even happier!

The tone of the comment wasn’t exactly hateful (so I’m pushing it a bit by pretending that it’s hate mail), but perhaps – and knowing how much I’ve been pining to be a hate mail recipient – you’ll allow me to classify a bit of attempted sarcasm as “hate mail.” Please?

Well, in order to inspire “Yourreader” to write me again, I’ve decided to elaborate a bit further on the previous topic and so I’ve come up with Crime, the Beloved Country Part II. It’s all about how those of us who are unlucky enough to live in South Africa (where the sunsets are so fiery, they hurt your eyes; where the sunshine is so bright and hot and continuous, you run the risk of getting stricken with something terrible called “happiness”) can utilize the high crime rate in South Africa to make us all fit and look extremely fabulous.

Girls (and metrosexual guys with manbags): when out in public, clutch your handbags SO tight that you develop those triceps and biceps and get beautifully cut upper arms.

After a night on the town, linger a bit and then - but only after all your friends had already left - leave the restaurant/club/bar on your own. Walk slowly. Wear high heels (good for the calve muscles) and, just when you’re about to be attacked/murdered (preferably just attacked. When your assailants are already wielding blunt objects or other types of weapons, like guns, it might be a bit too late. But it’s totally up to you to decide), break into a run. For the most effective cardio workout (as recommended by doctors around the world), see to it that your car is parked a good 30 – 45 minute sprint away. Try to do this 3 – 5 nights a week.

If you’re not a night owl (why on earth not? I like sunrises as well as the next person, but you’d have to admit, the timing of it is awfully inconvenient), try to reverse the exercise by going for an early morning stroll. Perhaps you’ll be lucky enough to encounter a rare early-bird criminal.

I’ve heard that most criminals prefer to operate at night, though, so they might be a bit scarce at that time of day. Unless you catch them on their way home from their previous night out, at which time they’ll probably still be drunk, so yes, on second thoughts, this might work. Although you’ll have an unfair advantage of a full night’s sleep over them.

Your criminal might be in a foul mood after a night of no sleeping and from having to walk home with a terrible hangover, so that volatile temper, coupled with the criminal’s normal behavioural issues, might be enough to level the playing (er… running) field again. So go for it, you early-birds!

If auto racing is more your style and you wish to attract car hijackers instead, well, then you’re in luck. I’ve heard that this is very easy to do, especially in the Johannesburg/Pretoria area (known to locals as Gauteng Province). You simply have to obey traffic rules. You know, stop at red lights and stop signs, that sort of thing. Again, this is also very effective when done at night, but apparently it doesn’t really matter.

If you still want to race your car, but don’t really wish to necessarily run the risk of actually LOSING your car to the hijackers, I’m happy to tell you that there are other ways. For instance, instead of attracting hijackers, tempt the snatch-and-grab type criminals. You do this by wearing jewellery when driving around in your car. And we’re not even talking the crown jewels here, although wearing that will almost certainly guarantee that your need for speed will be satisfied. Also make sure that all your valuables (like your handbag, MP3 player, etc.) are arranged on the seat next to you, in full view of anyone looking in from the outside of your car.

You could have your windows rolled down, but this isn’t even necessary. In fact, since most criminals seem to enjoy a little challenge (otherwise they probably would have chosen professions that are a bit more dull, like journalism or psychiatry), do NOT have your windows open.

Buckle up, be vigilant but, above all, enjoy the ride!