Redsaid

is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became the World's Laziest Blogger; by being a nanny and by attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her sailing debut, her international acting debut, tried and failed to learn the piano, and never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column. If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V. here.
Or you can ~~stalk her~~ send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com

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« Blog Baltimore »

July 07, 2006

Others dream of snogging, I dream of blogging

Help Wanted

Considering that it has recently entered its Terrible Two’s, this blog has been extremely quiet and remarkably tantrum-free. Could it possibly be the proverbial quiet before the storm?

It’s doubtful, because I’m still as lazy as ever and one has to keep in mind that I have a reputation to uphold as the World’s Laziest Blogger (and I have recently added the somewhat shameful title of Most Ignored Blog to my treasury of fictitious awards), so I’ve figured that a burst of abundant, regular posts would only confuse and bewilder my already nervous phantom readers.

However, since I’ve been suffering the fate of an (cue scary rolling thunder) Internet Ban due to sky-high phone bills (*shudders*), I’ve been overcome by the strangest sensations.

Symptoms have included a tingling sensation in my fingers causing me to nervously drum them on any available surface, almost like a constant touch-typing, right-clicking motion. Whenever I have seen computers on television (or in real life), I have broken out in a cold sweat and full-body tremours.

Suddenly every single thought I have would have translated into the most excellent blog posts. In fact, nowadays I even DREAM about blogging and high-speed wi-fi! (WHADOYOUMEAN I should get a life?!? Speak for yourself… especially if you’re reading this right now…)

It’s so typical of my life. When I was in the States where I had the luxury of uncapped bandwidth coursing at high speed through my late laptop’s veins (or wherever it is where bandwidth floweth), I preferred lying on the couch, watching Oprah.

Now, make no mistake, lying down is still my position of choice, but now that I’m back in a country where Internet access is so expensive, it may as well be classified as an elitist luxury item (like books – yes, alas, new books are rather pricey here in my homeland), all I want to do is be online and blog.

Instead, I’ve been forced to LIVE OFFLINE…

Oh, believe me, it gets more dire. Because I have also been forced to TALK TO PEOPLE FACE TO FACE! Which, believe me, is much scarier for them than it is for me.

So now, suddenly, all I long for is to be left in a dark room tethered to a mouse and a keyboard and a fast, unlimited Internet connection, my freckles erased by the flattering, luminous glow emitted by the computer screen, a large yellow Labrador retriever curled up by my feet and an enormous Starbucks latté by my side…

And yeah, a nice snog won't hurt either.

Redsaid | 10:54 AM

Comments

oh how I love feeds. Imagine my surprise when under my "blogs" tab I find a new entry by the phantom blogger herself? I couldn't wait til my break, I had to investigate...

Blogging in SA sure does sound tough, but talking to people face to face isn't that bad now is it? Believe it or not, I do it all the time. I think I speak for a lot of your "red heads" (your legion of readers) when I say your regular posts are missed dearly. hmmmm, maybe we should start a "Redsaid Blog Fund."

just a thought.

comment by miked at 11:29 AM on 07.07.06 [ link ]

I second the nice snog thing. Been way too long! :)

We've also recently hit a capped internet thingie, and not being used to it, have run out of bandwidth way too early in the month. Yuk. Getting better now though.

But there's also much to be said for an Actual Life. We found out recently we have a lawn ;)

comment by Michelle at 11:43 AM on 07.07.06 [ link ]

Oh hurrah, you're back.

Had started to think maybe Slaapstad had swallowed you up and spit you out.

And many condolences to your websurfing self. Life's no fun without the internet. You'll be needing to get a job with a monitor facing away from everyone and high-speed access. Worked for me before I moved back to the US of A.

comment by ExAfrica at 12:22 PM on 07.07.06 [ link ]

Fine, I'll marry you so you can move back to the states :)

comment by pylorns at 02:45 PM on 07.07.06 [ link ]

Perhaps we should take up a collection!

comment by mice at 03:21 PM on 07.07.06 [ link ]

Sometimes I have been known to be at the computer for so long that the mouse gets restless and starts scurrying all over the place until I feed it cheese.

People tell me I should get a life, too, but I don't believe them. This 'life' they speak of is nothing but a myth. A MYTH, I say!

comment by TimT at 08:12 AM on 07.08.06 [ link ]

So glad to know that you are doing alright - although what is this offline of which you speak? I do not understand....

:-)

comment by martha at 12:14 PM on 07.08.06 [ link ]

Hello Red Dahling,
Miss me? I've missed you too. Please come back home,you've spent enough time with the relatives.
Nothing is the same w/o you. Starbucks is on the verge of ruin just because you left us here alone. Not to mention, my liver hurts because I have no one to drink with. I hope your happy. Find yourself a husband soon so we have drink mocha latte's and have unlimited internet.

comment by bookstorediva at 01:39 AM on 07.09.06 [ link ]

oo, there you are sunshine! well, a large yellow lab and a starbucks latte sounds loverly right about now...though i'd probably go for a frappuccino. and ya know i have a small black lab at my side and you may want to rethink that wish cause he's been farting all morning and god it stinks!

xoxo

comment by kat at 11:50 AM on 07.12.06 [ link ]

They say "if it doesn't kill you, it'll make you stronger". I'd be interested in laboratory-testing that theory.

comment by kyknoord at 08:25 AM on 07.13.06 [ link ]

Happy! Happy! Happy! Happy Blog-O-Versary!

(Yes. I am late. But late is still fun, right? You save me some cake, didn't you?) ; )

comment by kerri anne at 04:11 AM on 07.17.06 [ link ]

Now listen here Red.

No excuses. Get down to Seattle and enjoy their excellent brew while surfing on their complimentary Wi-Fi internet access.

I on the other hand discovvered the fastest internet access for reasonable sums - iBurst 1Mb/s 3GB cap (thereafter speed choked to 64Kb/s - still much more than dial-up speed) at just under R600 per month.

Together with my Cappucino machine, a great help!

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