Dear Libby,

Hello! I'm not sure if you'll recognize me purely by my name on this e-mail (you dogs normally don't care for things like that after all, if I'm not mistaken. Unless it's names like "C-O-O-K-I-E", "F-O-O-D", or "V-E-T", right?). Unfortunately I can't describe my smell very well either, for I don't know whether Issey Miyake (the name of my perfume) will mean anything to a pup such as yourself, since it's not food, beverage, other-dog-smell, or even cat related.

Anyway, I'm that girl from the theatre who shrieks with delight whenever she sees you and then gives you a hug and a belly rub and scratch your ears. Oh, right. That's how everyone reacts when they see you at the theatre.

Mmmm. Let's see. Oh, okay! I know! I'm the girl who gave you water from the dixie cup that time when you were so thirsty, and then I got into trouble when you groaned during your scene on stage later on, because apparently those groans meant that you had to go to the bathroom quite urgently, and not, as I had intially thought, because you were worried about being separated from your master Mike.

So, Libby, now that we've hopefully established who I am: the reason for this e-mail to you is that I want you to please convey my sincere birthday wishes to your master on his 38th birthday! 38! That's a LOT in dog years!! He must be really used to birthdays by now since this is his 38th one? But whether he is or not, let's wish him a very happy birthday as if it's his very first one ever. Would you please tell him for me? And continue to look after him as well as you've been doing, alright? He's a good master to you as well, but that doesn't mean that I'm backing away from my plans to dognap you on our final night of performance in a week and a half. But we'll discuss that later.

Thank you in advance for relaying the message, Lib. Be a good girl and I can't wait to see you and your master Mike on Friday, when I'll be able to wish him happy birthday in person.

Good dog!

Love,
Red