is a South African girl living in South Africa. That doesn't sound very original, we know, but you might find it remotely interesting when you learn that she has only recently returned to South Africa for the first time after a nine year, one month and two week (non-stop!) stint in the United States where she accidentally became an outlawed alien (also known, especially in immigration circles, as an 'illegal immigrant.' We prefer the term 'outlawed alien' ourselves). During her reversed exile from her homeland, she kept herself occupied by
winning this website (but only after shamelessly bribing the judges) and thus being unleashed on the web where she slowly, leisurely became
the World's Laziest Blogger;
by being a nanny and by
attending sci-fi conventions in search of other aliens. In the US, she also made her
sailing debut, her
international acting debut,
tried and failed to learn the piano,
and
never learned to cook. She is hopelessly addicted to coffee, dogs (especially Labrador Retrievers), how-to books (with a particular fondness for her copy of the
Time/Life A - Z Medical Encyclopedia), and she tends to grossly overuse parentheses (we're not kidding) during her attempts at writing, which you may - if you really have masochistic tendencies - subject yourself to by reading the words to the right of this column.
If you REALLY and truly STILL want to know more, you can read her C.V.
here.
Or you can
stalk her send her some love via e-mail at: redsaid[AT]gmail[DOT]com
The Wish List (Because yes, she really does need more how-to books. Honestly!)
online
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August 05, 2005
I know this is old news to most, but...
It's been a big week for dogs.
First*, there was the unleashing of Snuppy, the world's first cloned puppy.
Then* Jake, a 4-year old Golden Retriever from San Diego, dog-paddled his way into the record books as the first dog to ever take part (and successfully complete!) in the annual Alcatraz Invitational, during which mostly human swimmers brave the trecherous 1.2 mile crossing from the infamous and now historic island prison of Alcatraz to the San Fransisco shore.
Jake made good time in just under 42 minutes. In fact, by placing 72nd out of 500, he beat out most of the humans.
*Actually, Jake set his record last weekend, before Snuppy was introduced to the world, but I only realized this after I'd already written this whole story (all four paragraphs of it!). And since I'm the world's Laziest Blogger...
Redsaid |
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Red,
We "met" in the chatroom at BlogHer last week.
And if MY Jake had out there swimming he'd have beaten the Golden Jake... but how to keep a tennis ball in front of him for the for whole swim?? (especially since I don't swim at all)....
Go Jake! Better to hear about superdogs than about shark attacks in the news. :)
Red Dahling,
I wonder how much it would cost to clone my CoCo ?
Way to swim Jake! That's impressive.
I'd love to find out what sort of time that dog could run a triathalon... he'd easily kick my ass.
Although he might have a hard time with the bike.
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July 01, 2005
This blog has gone to the dog
I know, I know, I KNOW that I haven't continued the travelogue yet (but come on, have you come to expect anything less from me than this stellar standard of procrastination I've been maintaining since starting this blog?!).
You may have noticed that posting has been a tad lighter than usual (Really? you ask, looking so utterly perplexed that I simply have to believe that you haven't noticed anything different than usual).
This is because the computer has been unplugged so that its private quarters can be painted. Yes, in this house the computer is one of two appliances with its own private quarters. The other is the coffee maker. Its room is one which most other people refer to as "the kitchen." Here, it is simply known as The Coffee Maker's Private Quarters.
So where was I? (I must be the only person in the Universe who loses track of her train of thought while writing.)
Oh, yeah... blogging light due to the paint. (Head also a bit light due to the paint, but that's another story, and a not altogether unpleasant one at that.)
The painter must've known what kind of emotional upheaval the lack of a computer (and therefore, internet connection) would cause the likes of me, a self-diagnosed (even though it isn't even in the Time/Life A-Z Medical Encyclopedia!) CD (Computer Dependent), because he brought me something to try and compensate for the bleak, empty computerless hours that I had to face this past week.
Here's what he brought me.
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No, not the laptop (that came courtesy of the boy)! The lapDOG! (Although of course HE thinks he is large enough to take on a Rottweiler. He certainly has enough attitude to take on an entire pack of wolves and other large-fanged creatures, but unfortunately those of us who ever had to contend with bullies who outweighed us know that it often takes more brawn than brains to win such a fight.)
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Spike. In spirit, a dog of mammoth proportions.
In real life, a chihuahua.
He has been coming here every day this past week to keep me company and to assist his 'dad' with the painting. The result of that 'helpfulness' has been evident in tell-tale, tiny paw prints - matching the various wall colours - mysteriously appearing all over the stairs and the floors.
Speaking of tell-tales (or rather, tails): Yesterday, when they left, Spike had a streak of paint on his tail. It dried really fast, because he is always wagging it profusely.
As you can see from the above photograph, when he wasn't painting, he chose to relax by reading my blog. (Okay, okay, I'll admit: I made him do it as punishment for barking at the neighbours' big dog and, in the process, nearly scaring the poor beast to death.)
I don't know if he found my writing to be quite as intellectually stimulating as the three of you do, my regular readers (hey, let me fantasize, please!), but if you look closely you'll see that the top of his head is slightly furrowed. And surely that is a sign of some serious pondering going on, no?
So WHAT if he is pondering: "What on earth IS this crap?"
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Redsaid |
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Dude, he's a chihuahua. He wasn't pondering "What on earth is this crap?" He was thinking, "Me importa un carajo lo que digas de Red! A mí me encanta su blog!"
Yup yup, muchachos.
Surely his ponderings would have gone more like this:
woof woof woof woof woof BARK woof woof woof woof woof!
ha! i love that picture! :-)
Red Dahling,
Doggies are such the best people in the whole wide world. They love you no matter what. My Coco has never held it against me,when I've tripped over her and fallen down while in a drunken stupor. She just lays right next to me on the floor until I emerge from my coma.
By the way Coco sends her love.
And we are never too busy for you. We are always available for dinner & coffee & dessert etc....
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December 23, 2004
Okay, so it's not about a dog, but I don't feel like creating a whole new cat-egory
I interrupt your regular holiday programming to bring you the following:
By now you've all probably heard about this silly woman in Texas who shelled out $50,000 to have her dearly departed cat cloned.
Yes, indeed: when Nick Senior's nine lives expired after 17 years, his heart-broken human mama simply couldn't let go. So instead of donating the $50,000 to an animal shelter in Nick's name, or adopting another cat in need of a good home, she approached the Genetics Savings and Clone company (please have a moment of silence for that brilliant play on words) with some of Nick's DNA to manufacture another cat in Nick's image.
I may be cute, but I sure did cost an arm and a leg.
Just in time for Christmas, St. Nick delivered the very expensive kitten to the woman two weeks ago. She was ecstatic, saying the cat is identical to Nick in looks and personality.
In a blinding display of originality, she decided to name the kitten... what else? Nick Jr.
Personally, I would've called him... what else? Copy Cat.
Redsaid |
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yuk yuk yuk. Baby, you are so clever. ;)
bwahahahahaaaaaaa nice : )
Love it... Love it as always!!
Merry Christmas from the Australian Summer Sun, Sand and Surf, will through a prawn on the brais for you!!!
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September 08, 2004
I would like the one who pulled the trigger
I know this is mostly old news already (see why a procrastinator couldn't possibly make a good reporter?), but for the benefit of at least one of my now-officially-down-to-two readers (what's happened to the rest of you? Oh, right. Me. In that case, please continue about your business of ignoring me) who lives abroad in the same planet that I once came from, I've decided that this story bears repeating.
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A dog belonging to some guy in Florida had a litter of puppies.
So this IDIOT* took his gun and decided to kill the unwanted litter. The bastard* killed three of them, and then, as he was picking up his next two innocent victims, the one pup started writhing around in his arms, causing the gun to go off and hitting the creep* in the wrist!!!!
GOOD DOG!
(Personally, I think our heroic pup should've aimed a little lower, but hey, considering age and experience, that wasn't bad at all.*)
The surviving doggies and their mom are now safe in a shelter. Apparently the guy will face charges (as he very well should!), but here's what's very disturbing: on the news they said he might actually get the mom back!!!! Whaaaaat?
Anyway, those puppies are ADORABLE. And I think at least one of them would make an excellent police dog.
*A few other reasons why I wouldn't make a good newspaper reporter anymore.
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Redsaid |
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dog shoots man
Excerpt: OK, so I recently heard about this story at Redsaid's, and then later at Incoherent Babbling... it's about a dog...
Weblog: electric bugaloo dot com
Tracked: September 9, 2004 12:13 PM
that's just... sad. sad that he killed three puppies. sad that he didn't die.
Awww. I can't imagine how anyone could kill a puppy.
Yay for the hero dog! :)
Thanks so much for the link here. This is very interesting. By now you may be resting and I await the "rest of the story". :-)
those terms you chose to refer to the guy - very nice and perfect picks. and did you realize the obviously more than 2 comments from the obviously more than 2 readers... ;o)
I"m a dog lover as well but, at the risk of controversy, I can kind of understand some of the idea -if the only choices in his head were put the dogs on the street or shoot them then he was probably doing them a favor... BUT he should have thought of that beforehand and spayed his dog. Nothing makes it right to shoot a little puppy.
Did the news say whether they'll spay the dog before they give her back? I'd hope they'd at least do that.
I agree with Martha. People should spay and neuter their pets so this kind of problem doesn't repeat. The guy should have taken the puppies to a shelter first- last resort would be Euthanasia. Good shot pup! Puppy Power!!!
Red,you make a good storyteller. :)
I fking HATE people who are cruel to animals, or to anyone/anything that cannot speak for itself!! Just makes me furious.
*sigh* Yeah, I was the kid that wanted to take every stray animal home with me. Big heart leads to big tears, you know!
My son just told me about this story. He said that a puppy got his paw on the trigger and the man got shot in the wrist. He was so happy! Now I know for sure that he was telling me a true story and not an embellished one!
i can see what you're trying to say, martha... but putting the dogs on the street wasn't his only other choice. i don't see why the guy couldn't just take them to a shelter (which is where the survivors are right now).
i read that story and was thoroughly disgusted. he was shooting them "because he couldn't find homes for them". um, hello! check out the local shelter, dumbass!
Hi Red
No...this email address is one of those antispam thingies....so you'll have to get me at the usual place.
Your interesting question inspired a blog promotion article on my site. If you're interested, go check it out.
Mikey - I know that there are other options but sometimes, in the heat of worry or stupidity or whatever people get so fixated that they only see one way out - and that might be what happened. Not that it's right at all, shooting puppies just can't be...
HEY two readers in here quit changing your name and posting again and again.
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August 18, 2004
How much is 38 in dog years?
I've never told you guys, but every weekend night after we perform our play, another one act is performed at the same threatre.
Their cast is quite unique, since one of the members has four legs, two ears and a perpetually wagging tail. Yep, it's a dog. But not just any dog! Since the play is about blindness, she is a genuine seeing eye dog.
Her master has kindly loaned her services to the production, and needless to say, that sweet black lab is the star of the show.
It's a highlight of our week to go to the theatre and to see Libby. Her owner, Mike, is extremely nice for allowing us to give her treats and to pet her to our heart's content.
Today is Mike's birthday, so I sent Libby the following e-mail (since his e-mail address is her name):
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Dear Libby,
Hello! I'm not sure if you'll recognize me purely by my name on this e-mail (you dogs normally don't care for things like that after all, if I'm not mistaken. Unless it's names like "C-O-O-K-I-E", "F-O-O-D", or "V-E-T", right?). Unfortunately I can't describe my smell very well either, for I don't know whether Issey Miyake (the name of my perfume) will mean anything to a pup such as yourself, since it's not food, beverage, other-dog-smell, or even cat related.
Anyway, I'm that girl from the theatre who shrieks with delight whenever she sees you and then gives you a hug and a belly rub and scratch your ears. Oh, right. That's how everyone reacts when they see you at the theatre.
Mmmm. Let's see. Oh, okay! I know! I'm the girl who gave you water from the dixie cup that time when you were so thirsty, and then I got into trouble when you groaned during your scene on stage later on, because apparently those groans meant that you had to go to the bathroom quite urgently, and not, as I had intially thought, because you were worried about being separated from your master Mike.
So, Libby, now that we've hopefully established who I am: the reason for this e-mail to you is that I want you to please convey my sincere birthday wishes to your master on his 38th birthday! 38! That's a LOT in dog years!! He must be really used to birthdays by now since this is his 38th one? But whether he is or not, let's wish him a very happy birthday as if it's his very first one ever. Would you please tell him for me? And continue to look after him as well as you've been doing, alright? He's a good master to you as well, but that doesn't mean that I'm backing away from my plans to dognap you on our final night of performance in a week and a half. But we'll discuss that later.
Thank you in advance for relaying the message, Lib. Be a good girl and I can't wait to see you and your master Mike on Friday, when I'll be able to wish him happy birthday in person.
Good dog!
Love,
Red
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Redsaid |
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yeah, that is really, really cute.
and btw - i absolutely LOVE issey miyake (although i think the men's stuff is even better than the women's and makes me totally wanna chew on my man more than i usually want to anyways ;o))
"woof-woof, woof, pant, woof... I have no idea what that translates to. Could you pass it on to Libby?
so so sweet... i'm sure he'll love it.
Happy 266th birthday Mike from my hounds in Bots
38 yrs translates to 164 Dog years!
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Red,
We "met" in the chatroom at BlogHer last week.
And if MY Jake had out there swimming he'd have beaten the Golden Jake... but how to keep a tennis ball in front of him for the for whole swim?? (especially since I don't swim at all)....