Patience is an annoying, torturous, gratification-delaying, highly overrated virtue.

But patience DOES pay off... Eventually.

After another three month "visit" (sheesh, didn't ANYONE pay attention and get the hint when I went to the States for a quick jaunt and ended up staying there for NINE YEARS?) on my bro-in-law and sister's farm in Stellenbosch, I returned to my mom's house in the wild, hip, happening city of By George! (Located about four hours east of Cape Town.)

When I left here three months ago, I had no laptop, no job and the internet situation was DIRE (otherwise spelled like this: D-I-A-L-U-P.)

I returned with a freelance internet writing/editing job, a laptop (yes!) AND a high speed (yes, really, even by international standards) wireless internet connection.

The laptop virtually dropped from the sky and into my lap (which, come to think of it, is a rather excellent place for a laptop to land). It's beautiful, if a tad vintage and temperamental, but a recent expert opinion has revealed that, with careful handling, it ought to see me through for a while longer.

It contains a DVD-writer (so we're happy to report that at least one true writer is associated with the laptop!).

The data usage on the wireless connection is also capped (only if you have MEGA bucks and/or live in a large metropolis can you get uncapped internet in South Africa, but their twisted definition of "uncapped" and an "all you can eat broadband!" buffet still means you are allotted only 10 Gigs to send and receive data. Scary, isn't it?), but at least I don't have to pay per minute anymore and land into this kind of trouble!

So I'm hereby the proud owner of 500 measly Megabytes per month. Yes, per MONTH, folks. That was the amount I used up in like three seconds back in the civilised world.

But even though my wireless data card has turned out to be a greedy little sucker, already devouring up scary amounts of precious megabytes from my account limit (and I've only had it since Tuesday) despite the fact that I'm not streaming anything, or downloading anything (other than opening webpages) it's still fantastic because I don't have to use THEM.

So goodbye streaming radio and video!

And fare thee well, beloved music downloads!

But hello again beloved internet and blog! Brace yerselves, 'cause I'm back.

Considering that it has recently entered its Terrible Two’s, this blog has been extremely quiet and remarkably tantrum-free. Could it possibly be the proverbial quiet before the storm?

It’s doubtful, because I’m still as lazy as ever and one has to keep in mind that I have a reputation to uphold as the World’s Laziest Blogger (and I have recently added the somewhat shameful title of Most Ignored Blog to my treasury of fictitious awards), so I’ve figured that a burst of abundant, regular posts would only confuse and bewilder my already nervous phantom readers.

However, since I’ve been suffering the fate of an (cue scary rolling thunder) Internet Ban due to sky-high phone bills (*shudders*), I’ve been overcome by the strangest sensations.

Symptoms have included a tingling sensation in my fingers causing me to nervously drum them on any available surface, almost like a constant touch-typing, right-clicking motion. Whenever I have seen computers on television (or in real life), I have broken out in a cold sweat and full-body tremours.

Suddenly every single thought I have would have translated into the most excellent blog posts. In fact, nowadays I even DREAM about blogging and high-speed wi-fi! (WHADOYOUMEAN I should get a life?!? Speak for yourself… especially if you’re reading this right now…)

It’s so typical of my life. When I was in the States where I had the luxury of uncapped bandwidth coursing at high speed through my late laptop’s veins (or wherever it is where bandwidth floweth), I preferred lying on the couch, watching Oprah.

Now, make no mistake, lying down is still my position of choice, but now that I’m back in a country where Internet access is so expensive, it may as well be classified as an elitist luxury item (like books – yes, alas, new books are rather pricey here in my homeland), all I want to do is be online and blog.

Instead, I’ve been forced to LIVE OFFLINE…

Oh, believe me, it gets more dire. Because I have also been forced to TALK TO PEOPLE FACE TO FACE! Which, believe me, is much scarier for them than it is for me.

So now, suddenly, all I long for is to be left in a dark room tethered to a mouse and a keyboard and a fast, unlimited Internet connection, my freckles erased by the flattering, luminous glow emitted by the computer screen, a large yellow Labrador retriever curled up by my feet and an enormous Starbucks latté by my side…

And yeah, a nice snog won't hurt either.