June 21, 2007
Winter Solstice
Today is the shortest day of the year in South Africa.
Since it also marks the official start of winter, my thoughts naturally turn to gnawing. Not just the suicidal gnawing of my own wrists due to Seasonal Affective Disorder (of COURSE I suffer from it – I suffer from every ailment under the sun except hypochondria, remember?), but the gnawing of actual food.
One of the things I’m pondering is this: If the saying ‘you are what you eat’ is actually true, and I like to eat bread, does that make me a loafer?
And don’t even dare to answer. Unless your answer was going to be a resounding: “Of COURSE not, Red!”, that question was entirely rhetorical.
If you’ve been one of my imaginary readers for a long time, you would know that I don’t cook. And putting it like that is still a gross understatement. Water? I can totally burn it.
In the good old days, when I lived in an actual HOUSE (as opposed to the tiny room I find myself in these days), that room which in other people’s houses is known as the kitchen, was known as my coffee maker’s private quarters. The stove was just a very large and potentially dangerous, decorative ornament.
Luckily for me, my sister cooks. Well, all of them do (see? It’s entirely their fault that I don’t. By the time my mother got ‘round to having me, the cooking gene had – thankfully – been depleted. As well as the looks, the talent, the charm, the intelligence, the bone structure… but that’s a sob story for another day), but the sister I’m referring to happens to live conveniently close to me.
She is married to an Italian. And in order to keep that part of the ancestry alive and well, she cooks almost exclusively Italian. She has become so good at it, it has spilled over into her personality, which has become increasingly feisty. And it must be from all that stirring of-a da Spaghetti, but she now can’t speak without gesturing wildly and passionately. Some people, like my brother-in-law and me, might even interpret the latter as an occasional slap in our general direction.
On the pantry door of this wholly Italian kitchen, the following has been written: “The trouble with Italian food is that five days later, one is hungry again!”
But since the Longest Night of the Year is about to descend leaving me no choice but to go to bed right now, some day soon (see? I’m so commitment phobic, I don’t even want to make a date) I’ll tell you why eating leftovers at that very sister’s house might just kill you.
Redsaid |
06:40 PM
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The longest night of the year.
Alas i did not sleep.
My desk makes a hard pillow.
A great time to catch up on sleep.
I bet your thinking about finding a guy that can cook eh?
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February 14, 2007
Commitment Phobe
My first love was a comatose guy.
And no, in this case, 'comatose' is definitely not a euphemism for 'laid-back.'
I mean, the guy was in an actual coma! In hospital!
No, of course he wasn't always in a coma. He was fully conscious when he asked me out, I swear! (Although yes, probably not in his right mind.) Because, believe it or not, even the likes of me has standards. A guy has to be at least breathing and conscious before I'd agree to go out with him.
If he slips into a coma after just a few dates with me, well... that really can't be helped, can it?
But just between you and I? I think he did it deliberately. He always did have a thing for nurses.
Anyway, of course I didn't stop seeing him just because he was in a coma. Because trust me, even in a coma he had more personality than some of the other guys I had gone out with before.
Every day, I went to the hospital, sat by his bed and poured my heart out. It was great! I made all sorts of plans for the two of us and for him ("You are going to learn to cook for me. And I'm going to enroll you in singing lessons so that you can serenade me. Besides, the speech therapist said your vocal chords will need a bit of work after the tracheotomy!") and he couldn't contest any of it.
And since the doctors reassured me that comatose people still hear everything that is going on around them, I have to say that he was one of the best listeners ever.
But, as the saying goes, all good things must come to an end: He regained consciousness. Him waking up was a major romance killer for me and so I let him off gently and wandered off to see if there were any other strapping young bachelours lying incapacitated in I.C.U., just dying for someone to have a chat with them and to hold their limp hands.
And so, with my incessant chatting, I believe I cured an entire ward of single, male, coma patients that year. I think they woke up just so that they could tell me to please SHUT! UUUUP!
Seriously though, dating a guy in a coma really ruined me for other relationships. Here's why: A guy in a coma doesn't ever complain about anything. A guy in a coma doesn't mind which channel the television is on. A guy in a coma can't accuse you of being a harlot when your gaze lingers a touch too long on that new young doctor who is treating him. It was very touching to see how his heart rate spiked whenever I spoke to him. I've since begun to insist that all guys get hooked up to EKGs when they're on a date with me so that I can make a run for it if their heart rates increase. I'll run because an increased heart rate, when someone is sitting down, can only mean a few things: either he is having a heart attack, or he is developing deep feelings for me - which will make him way too clingy for my liking.
I won't say I'm commitment phobic per se. Besides, they say it's a predominantly male condition. So maybe I'm just a bit weary of commitment. But hey, my mom always said that a girl always has to make a guy wonder a bit. So the last guy who was foolish enough to propose to me is still wondering what my answer is.
Am I the only girl who suffers from commitment weariness? (Darn, you'll have to answer me via e-mail, because the comments are STILL broken!) But come on girls, even those of you who desperately long for an engagement ring on your finger will have to agree with me: Sometimes having a three course meal with a certain guy is simply too much of a commitment.
Redsaid |
12:06 AM
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You'll have plenty to say on Saturday, I'm sure!
Hey,
What is it with girls fighting?
BigMike
gross-videos.com
Hmmm, funny enough, I have no problem whatsoever with commitment.
Seriously.
Is there something wrong with me?
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January 02, 2007
I'm too scared to wish for a happy new year, in case I jinx myself.
When the clock struck midnight on New Year’s Eve, I was surrounded by a group of naked men.
And I was the only woman present.
Okay, so they weren’t naked.
And when I say ‘a group of men’, I actually mean… three.
And they were all gay.
So although I was technically speaking the only woman present, I was certainly far from the only queen.
You see, those were the only men I could find in my new hometown of By George above a certain age who, like me, are unmarried, childless and therefore available to party the night away.
I was in bed by 1 a.m.
But actually, our low-key start to the New Year wasn’t the queens’ faults. I was simply knackered from old age a long year.
I was really not sad to see 2006 go. This is weird for me, because I’m usually such a sentimental creature, I can hardly leave a room.
I suppose when you’ve had as many New Year’s as I’ve had, the novelty is bound to wear off eventually. Besides, the entire holiday season brings out the annual performance angst in me. The pressure always seems to be on one to have to come up with something frightfully exotic (which by default happens to be frightfully expensive) to do in order to celebrate.
And if you’ve been a big enough sucker and you have been reading this blog for a while, then you should know that I’m not good under pressure. To put it mildly.
In South Africa, Christmas and New Year’s are summer celebrations. So unlike the wealthy Northern Hemisphere residents who tend to seek out the warmer climates to spend their holidays, the wealthy South Africans, I’ve learned, tend to head north in search of those magical White Christmases you northerners have been taunting our snow-deprived southerners with for years with your Christmas cards, movies and carols depicting and describing magical winter wonderlands while we stand by the barbecue under the scorching sun and sweat.
Hence I’ve had many recent conversations that went more or less like this:
Me: What are you doing for the holidays?
Other person: Oh, nothing special. We’re going skiing.
Me: Oh, fun! At Hartbeespoort Dam? (A lake near Pretoria.)
Other person (with disdain): Not WATER-skiing. SNOW-skiing. At the Swiss Alps.
And when they see the naked envy on my face, they ask smugly: And what are YOUR plans?
Knowing full well that I obviously don’t have any.
I hate the holidays just as much as a married man who is firmly in the closet must hate being with his wife: It’s just too much pressure to perform, to measure up to, to outdo…
So how did YOU all outdo me?
Redsaid |
11:13 PM
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I didn't outdo you at all -- except maybe in the yearning department. I wanted so badly to go somewhere, anywhere, but went nowhere...spring fever in December!
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May 17, 2006
Prêt-à-Porter
My beloved Doctor is revealing a chillier side, blowing an icy winter’s breath onto a world enveloped by fog and sputtering rain.
Apparently, this is a typical Cape winters day. Maybe it’s because I’m all cozy indoors, my fingers curled around a steaming cappuccino, but I find it rather appealing.
With winter finally here, it’s time for a wardrobe reassessment. Imagine my delight on a recent shopping trip when I discovered this.
read more »
Needless to say, it's my new favourite label. Besides, they've just confirmed what I've always suspected: Red is highly fasionable and always trendy.
Available from this fine South African retailer.
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Redsaid |
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cappuccino's are all fine and good but on those cold winter nights it's always great to "irish up" that coffee... just a tip from a Canadian guy eh!
As for your new label, wow... seems pefect for you :)
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February 14, 2006
Valentines Day Massacre
Stellenbosch – In what can only be described as one of the most gruesome and shocking bloodbaths in recent history, Valentines Day was murdered early this morning right outside of Stellenbosch, a picturesque college town nestled in the heart of the South African wine country.
The alleged murderer, described as an embittered single woman in her early 30’s, has been arrested and is being held without bond in a local jail.
According to a witness, when the suspect, who was said to be covered in a sticky red substance thought to be blood (or a chewy, cherry-flavoured filling found in some popular brands of assorted chocolates) and bruised, torn rose petals, was frisked and handcuffed, she exclaimed: “Now this is the most action I’ve had in years!” The witness added that the suspect's maniacal laughter gave him “the heebie-jeebies.”
Mr. Mark Hall, President of Valentines Day’s multi-billion dollar empire, was too shocked to personally comment, but a statement released on his behalf reads: “We are deeply saddened by the loss of our dear friend Valentines Day.
Valentines was seductive, remarkable. Like true love, those are qualities that will withstand the test of all eternity. The murderer will therefore not be allowed to get her wish of eradicating Valentines Day, and 14 February shall forever remain Valentines Day’s Day, or Valentine’s Day for short.” (Hall’s PR people have never been big on grammar, and correctly inserting apostrophes has always been particularly tricky - Ed.)
The statement concludes with a bit of shameless plugging: “Commemorative cards shall therefore continue to be available during February of every year. My company will be personally responsible for distributing and selling those cards.”
This final and successful assassination was not the first attempt to take Valentines Day’s life.
In February 1999, a young woman who had been driven mad by unrequited love, shot at Valentines Day with a bow and arrow. An overexcited witness described the event: “The arrow flew by with a whistling sound! It narrowly missed Valentines Day, and instead pierced a member of the Valentines Day entourage, a half-clad elf named Stupid, or something like that, right in the buttocks!”
In court transcripts of the hearing that followed, the deranged suspect, when asked whether she had any remorse over shooting Cupid the Cherub, screamed: “I loved the way the fat and cellulite on his flabby butt-cheeks drilled and shook when the arrow went in! It was spot-on! Not bad for my first try, ‘eh?” (She was Canadian.)
The judge took her answer to be a “no” in the remorse department, and she was sentenced to 450 hours of non-stop Hallmark Channel viewing.
She committed suicide after serving only two hours of that sentence.
Single women were responsible for almost all the other assassination attempts on Valentines Day's life. Only in one case (of particular flair) was the emerging suspect a gay man, but like all the other attempted murderers, he was single too.
As news of the Valentines Day massacre has been rapidly spreading around the world, friends, fans and perfect strangers (the latter ironically often found to be married to each other) have been inspired to send messages of their grief.
A South African expat in Atlanta, GA, writes: “I am reeling at this news. However, I was not too surprised when I learned that Valentines Day was murdered in my crime-ridden homeland. I always knew that something like that would happen, which is why I packed up and left with my family in the late 90’s. Do you know that we never have to lock our doors here? In fact, we would sleep with it wide open, only my wife has been nagging me about the chill. I told her the chill had little to do with the mild Atlanta winters and far more to do with her own cold-bloodedness and frigidity. She’s filed for divorce.”
A South African psychologist (and self-described amateur meteorologist) replied: “It has been an unusually hot summer in the Stellenbosch region where the massacre occurred. Oppressive heat tends to do strange things to the human psyche, so it was definitely not the safest time for Valentines Day to travel to South Africa. It would’ve been better for Valentines Day to come in June and July, during the Southern Hemisphere winter, when people tend to want to snuggle more.”
Even U.S. President George Bush commented on the Valentines Day massacre. “Valiumtime Day was great.” And, further moved by the tragedy to display an unusual amount of eloquence, he added: “It’s very sad indeedly.”
During the news conference, he was seen passing a note to his Secretary of State and former National Security Advisor, Dr. Condoleezza Rice. It read: “Where is South Africa? If you also doesn’t know, ask Rove.” And: “P.S. May I please go to the bafroom.”
Valentines Day leaves behind devastated parents Channuka and Christmas, an adopted African brother named Kwanzaa, drunken Irish uncle St. Patrick, and French niece Bastille.
Funeral arrangements for Valentines Day are still unknown, but red roses, chocolates, diamonds, sports cars, romantic getaways for one, and wads of cash have been requested in lieu of donations to charitable organisations.
Redsaid |
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so i take it you love february 14th, hm?
wanna be my valentine? *giggles*
please get in touch any time you want. any time. it's good to hear from you! *hug*
you crack me up, Red. Happy V Day. :)
Ragely wagely we miss you but your story is the best. We will be in Plett soon from Feb 24 for about 10 days and will call you. Leave a number on my email where we can reach you.
Red Dahling,
Yippee, it's about time that someone has finally rid the earth of this evil pagan ritual.
That St Valentine's Day was a maniac and a psychopath. It's about time someone did away with it.
What they said!!! 'bout bloody time... well done Red!
Will you come Down Under and do it here too... I'm not sure the bloody Aussies heard about the massacre in time...
You are hilarious. Loved all the parenthetical asides.
single awareness day passed very slowly.
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October 31, 2005
HAUNTED by yet another missed DEADline
I had this whole thing planned out for Halloween, honest. I even LEFT THE HOUSE (yes, GASP! indeed) on Saturday and took pictures and EVERYTHING so that I could upload it today.
But, with me being The World's Laziest Blogger and all, which one can only successfully be if one is... well, lazy, of course, but also disorganised and a procrastinator and barely awake most of the time, there will be none of those carefully planned Halloween-themed pictures appearing on this blog today.
Instead, I'll be true to my nature and title of The World's Laziest Blogger and post the pics at an inappropriate time long after everyone's forgotten about Halloween. Like around Christmas time next year maybe.
I suspect that those of you who are aware that I was a journalist, long ago in a past life, are probably wondering to yourselves why and how (and who and when and where and what... see, I vaguely remember the gist of journalism) the likes of me ever picked and held down such a deadline-driven job if I have trouble keeping up this blog (which, I'll let you in on a little secret, not blogging often and never continuing stories is actually part of my duties as The World's Laziest Blogger. Why, thank you for thinking that I do it very well and for saying that I'm a natural at it!).
Truth is, when I opened up the career councilling/college course brochure and read: "Journalism: The ideal field of study and career for the individual who thrives on deadlines," my eyes got stuck on the "dead" part of deadline and I envisioned an office filled with dim lighting and comfy couches on which journalists are leisurely strewn about emulating the dead and quietly (or, in the event that the journalist snores, not so quietly) dreaming up stories. And I thought to myself, "Why, even I can do that!"
Ha! Imagine the unpleasant surprise I received when I showed up on the first day of the job at the newspaper and there was NO COUCH in sight!!!! Just very upright, uncomfortable office chairs (well, being upright IS a very uncomfortable position for me to be in), and desks, with notepads and computer monitors and keyboards on which we were expected to furiously type away stories which had to be in YESTERDAY.
And just the horror of that awful memory has completely drained and exhausted me, so it's time for me to immediately take what I hope would be a nightmare-free nap.
Redsaid |
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She returns! Albeit briefly :-) welcome back Red dear - your journalistic talents are not altogether lost, just chilling a little like a kind of sabbatical for the soul.
I hope halloween provides you with plenty of entertainment, I look forward to hearing all about it in 6 or so months....
Allley
Ahh, when are we calling YOU!??!
Doing no work sure is hard work, but at it's much more satisfying than doing work work.
:-) your posts always make me giggle.
and hey, since you're on the couch anyways, can you pass the remote? here's the ben & jerry's.
happy (belated) halloween. and you know what i'm waiting for, right? do you absolutely wanna make me come over there so i finally get to hear the rest of that nanny-saga?
ah, just enough to tantalize and keep us all checking back regularly to see if the red has written...
yep, truly a procrastinator...
Red Dahling,
Nap time is the best part of the day.
I miss nap time. And those little green cots on which we used to nap in daycare. Although I somehow think I would be a bit too long for them nowadays. Thank goodness you never get too old for naps.
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April 26, 2005
The road to hell isn't paved with good intentions. In fact, it's not paved at all. It's a paper trail. And there are crumbs too, and clothes, and books, and...
I wrote that long title because I'm avoiding other Issues.
From the how-to be a writer books in my collection I gather that it's usually the other way around: Writers sometimes resort to doing other things, things that are normally far more heinous to do to oneself than having to will fiction out of thin air, just to avoid writing. This condition sounds really terrible, because some of those poor, tortured, masochistic souls will even do... GASP!... the laundry!!!! instead of their writing.
So I suppose my last slender hope of ever becoming a real, authentic A*U*T*H*O*R has just evaporated, because I can't even get the procrastinating right! (Well... at least not in this case.) You see, when I procrastinate writing I honestly don't feel the need to cover it up with productivity. (How else do you think I manage 206 hours' of television per week? WHADOYOUMEAN THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE?!? The fact that there is only 168 hours in a week, you say? Well, that just makes my weekly television viewing achievements all the more remarkable, doesn't it?)
And I've almost forgotten that the reverse was possible... until last night.
Let me explain: The boy has been out of town since last week.
He finally came back at midnight last night.
Unfortunately he walked into a disastrous house... looks as if a tornado's twirled through here.
Alas, despite the funky weather we've been having these past few days, nothing more serious than me has hit the place.
You see, I really did have every intention of cleaning the house for (and before!) his return, honestly I did!
I even tackled the job with an unusual amount of enthusiasm. And that word right there, the one that says "enthusiasm"; that alone is a sure sign that my career of unemployment and television viewing, however impressive, has officially driven me into the flailing arms of delirium.
So I cleaned, but being the focused, highly disciplined creature that I am (stop laughing like that! You'll wrinkle!), I got side-tracked and started unpacking closets.
But instead of doing it like I suspect a normal person would (which means none of you will be able to tell me either, har har) - possibly one closet/room at a time, I suppose - I became possessed by the eager Spring Cleaning Fairy (she's a manic depressive who's stopped taking her lithium because it 'stifles her creativity and besides, she's been feeling MUCH more balanced these days, thankyouverymuch', and so she happened to breeze through here during the peak of one of her maniacal highs. Unfortunately her high was brief) and before I knew it, every cupboard, cabinet, closet... had its contents strewn on the floor.
The sight was overwhelming to my sensitive self... It's a war zone: a gigantic explosion of clothes, papers, food (yes, I got my paws on and in the kitchen cupboards too) EVERYWHERE.
What's even funnier... when the boy called me from the road last night to
tell me that he was on his way, and before I even had a chance to warn
him about my "little" on-going project, he informed me in a very
wistful tone (and this will speak volumes and will give you a big hint
as to the kind of housekeeper I normally am): "By the way, I dreamed
that I came home to a clean house."
Oh, how I laughed!
Hey, at least I had the best of intentions! Pity that I decided to
take a coffee break just as I had thrown everything on the floor, though.
'Cause as soon as I sat down with the coffee, I grew very, very tired. The fairy had vanished and she'd taken my strength and will with her, the cow.
I finally devoured a path out of the kitchen (which, in this house, is
better known as The Coffee Maker's Private Quaters) and now I'm going to rest my weary head on a stack of how-to be a writer books.
Hopefully, when I wake up later today, I'll be a real writer. And hopefully, by then, the boy's dream of a clean house will have miraculously come true as well!
Redsaid |
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Oh Boy... you must a been in a powerful mess o trouble...
Isn't there some chaos theory in here somewhere?
that's too funny. my bf just came home last night and my idea of cleaning up for his return just didn't happen. fortunately, it wasn't much messier than when he left, but that's not saying too much. hooray for slobbery!! :-)
Red Dahling,
I feel your pain. Domestic Goddess I am not.
The Blog police are at it again. They wouldn't allow me to leave my last post.
I don't enjoy cleaning either.
First it was my comment on the Pontiff. Then it was nt my innocent comment about my lack of enthusiam for cleaning. What next ?
hehehe!
i know the feeling. and it is KAK!
and u tend to get lazy..and just stare at the mess hoping it will vanish.
oh well...life is fun.
BLOG POLICE HATES ME TOO!
:(
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April 22, 2005
Earth: The best place for humans to stay (even though gravity's a bit of a drag)
In honour of Earth Day, I've written the following bad poem.
Today is supposed to be filled with mirth
As we say: “Happy Earth Day, Mother Earth!”
So I promise not to be a naysayer
And point out the hole in the ozone layer
Or how Bush is going to drill for oil
Right in the middle of the arctic soil
(One would think that he, with a surname like “Bush”
Would give environmental issues a push)
And I refuse to tell you ‘bout urban sprawl
Or its land devouring friend, the shopping mall
I also won’t tell you about SUV’s
Or the rainforests’ fast disappearing trees
Won’t breathe a word about carbon monoxide
Or lead, or smoke, or soot, or sulfur dioxide
No, I will not mention the disgrace
Done to you by the human race
Instead I’ll wish you a Happy Earth Day
And say thanks for allowing us humans to stay
Redsaid |
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Earth Day????
The best we can do is Clean Up Australia Day.
Tres poeticl Red.
Nice!
Damn, wish I actually read the preview
I really did mean poetical
Very nicely done! Thanks for sharing.
Red Dahling,
I so envy anyone that can rhyme urban sprawl and shopping mall. You are a genius.
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April 06, 2005
Times they are a-changing
In case you're wondering where I've been (or even in case you're not wondering where I've been. Not that I've been anywhere, mind you, I just like to fantasize that you think about my whereabouts at all times. Which, yes, I realise, sounds very tragic and desperate indeed), I haven't been blogging because the clocks have thrown me off.
Yes, the clocks.
The clocks in the U.S. jumped ahead by one hour on Sunday morning at 2, so I've been asleep for the past three days to try and make up for that lost hour.
My biorhythm is a fragile thing. In fact, I've told you before how I have no rhythm at all, and sadly, that lack of rhythm affects my biorhythm too. So twice a year, when Daylight Saving Time begins and ends, my entire schedule derails and for three months following the time change, I find myself craving lunch at 4 (a.m.) and dinner at 11 in the morning.
I solve this problem by simply eating all the time.
Daylight Saving Time is just one of the many things I find strange about living in the United States. (And yes, I realise that it's practiced in a lot of other countries too, but I've only lived in one of the countries that adhere to it, and that's here in the U.S.) That and the fact that those elusive entities called Green Cards are actually pink, but I'll talk more about that ONE DAY WHEN/IF I FINALLY GET MINE!!!!!! (Pardon my shouting. It's a touchy subject.)
You see, in South Africa we don't have Daylight Saving Time. It's a good thing too, because if someone did decide to implement it there, I think there's a great possibility that South Africans who are as biorhythmically challenged as I am would probably demand overtime wages after showing up for work hours late. As it is, African Time is a dimension all its own. So it's best not to add to or subtract from it!
Back to Daylight Saving Time in the U.S.: As if it's not enough to live in a country where there are already so many different time zones (see why I've not dared to take my biorhythm and venture off the east coast yet?), someone decided that it would be a really great idea to confuse people like me even further by throwing in this twice annual ritual of setting your clock one hour fast in the spring and then moving it back again in the fall.
Americans have to remind themselves which season goes with which time change by memorising this little phrase: "Spring forward, fall back." (Personally I think "Spring back, fall forward" is far more poetic what with the alliteration and all, but don't mind me.)
Now, although it's admittedly quite tiresome to lose one hour of sleep, I don't actually mind the springing forward in spring part all THAT much. The extra sunshine makes me giddy with delight and it appears to have the same positive effect on most other people too.
It's that hour of daylight we lose in the fall, when the days are already getting noticeably shorter and we suddenly, all at once, lose another full hour of daylight due to the end of DST... THAT is when I want to gnaw my wrists off!
I see that I'm not the only one who has this love/hate relationship with DST. For example, in Indiana (a state which already has two time zones to begin with), some counties adhere to DST and others do not, and the issue is up for debate at their state legislature again.
I think DST should become a matter of personal preference, like religion. People who choose to gain an hour in the afternoon/early evening in the spring (when the days are getting longer anyway), and then to speed up sunset in the fall, should be allowed to stick to DST. (I do realise that moving the clock an hour back in the fall means that people who get up at 7 or 8 in the morning do not have to get up before sunrise, but since I'm officially NOT a morning person, this little bonus is wasted on me, and so I'd much rather take my extra hour of daylight on an autumn afternoon, thankyouverymuch.)
The rest of us who do not wish to move our clocks in the spring should be allowed to take that extra hour and save it in a vault somewhere until we feel ready to use it. Like, say, in the autumn, when you can reverse the process by "falling forward" and sticking the extra hour onto your day. Imagine how envious those spring savers will feel in October when their sun sets at 4:30 in the afternoon and yours only a full hour later! (Don't get argumentative and tell me about what logistical nightmares this will create in the work force. I don't care about logistics! Besides, since when have you ever taken me for the logical type?)
If you don't want to move your clock at all, you should be allowed to take your hours and spend it on a bonus vacation day.
Or you could simply move to Arizona or Hawaii, where residents are blissfully free of the burdens and confusion of DST.
In the mean time, please excuse me? It's 3 a.m., which means it's almost time for lunch!
Redsaid |
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You know that's a good idea. I would like to save up my hours, after a few year you could get a 1/2 day out of it or something.
I love daylight savings time. I look forward to it every year. I'm sorry, I can't help it. it was so lovely to go home last night before dark!
I *always* had thought you were a morning person--I'd get replies to entries or emails or whatever at, like, 8 in the morning. Now, this past one, 3:11 AM--I'd guess that was a "haven't gone to bed yet" entry. But the ones at 7 or 8 in the morning? I totally thought you were a morning person.
That's so funny that you're not. Give me a moment to revise my mental image, please! :)
Indiana is annoying. When I was in college, sometimes I was on the same time as my family and sometimes I wasn't. In the fall, you watched television according to Eastern Time Zone, in spring you watched telly in Central Time Zone. All the shows came on an hour earlier in the spring. It was annoying. Very, very annoying.
OR you could move to ohio, i think they don't "participate" in the DST-thing either. but i'd probably rather go with the 3-days-screwed-up biorhythm.. ;o)
OR maybe it's indiana that doesn't do it (now that i read amy's comment.. duh) i don't remember.. one of them is though because when we drive from indiana to see C's dad in ohio we'd leave at 5 p.m. and get there at 4.45 p.m. after a 45 minute drive.. kinda cool..
I can do without DST but can understand the need for time zones and all. Arizona sounds a little hot and dry, no trees right? Any sun baked Arizonans out there happy with the status quo?
I love day light savings. Seasonal disorders I have that, seems like for every season I would rahter be outside and not at work
Red Dahling,
I didn't know that green cards were pink and not green. What's up w/that ? I think it is to confuse people. I can ask Uncle Chili what he knows about this elusive creature. Once he returns from"vacation".
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March 30, 2005
Limesick
Limesick, definition: A limerick composed by an ill person in an attempt to amuse herself. The result is that the limerick also suffers greatly, and therefore ends up being quite lame.
A girl named Red once had the flu
It made her cough and wheeze and achoo
This ailment so strained her
From colour it drained her
Even her eyes are no longer blue
A musical girl suffered a curse
She said: "I really ought to see a nurse."
She coughed a cadenza
Nurse said: "Influenza!"
"Don't call the ambulance, call the hearse!"
And lastly:
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A gal once had a terrible cough
But the doctor did nothing but scoff
When she hacked up her lung
And then spit up her tongue
The doc used the lot to make broth
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Redsaid |
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Sounds yummy! :) Such a festive broth. Get well soon little Red. Thanks for the limesicks.
Red Dahling,
Even when your sick,your still great.
limesick? nah, it wasn't. It wasn't lame at all...err well maybe just a little... but entertaining to me anyways so it's not just amusing yourself.
If those computer nerds of the world could just invent some way of sending more than just data over the internet I'd concoct up some home made turkey soup. Hey, I might even don a radiation suit and give ya a warm hug... but sadly this innovation has yet to be invented.
I wish you well
btw. Is it just me or does the word concoct sound dirty? (insert girlish laughter here)
well, I think that broth-recipe sounds a little nasty. but that's just me.. get well there. *hugs*
Hey dit was nogal goed gewees!
Perhaps the last one is not recommended while actually eating soup. ;) Other than that, very clever, and I hope you're feeling better very soon! :)
Are you still sick? Hmmmm..will send some chicken soup electronically from here.
Get better soon.
While our Red suffered in Bed
I have been stricken with Dread
It appears to me
That this rotten lur-gy
Has rendered her stuffed in the head.
*cheesy grin*
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March 26, 2005
Feverish Copy Writing
In bed, watching television. Temperature is 103F, but it feels like at LEAST 150F. Must remember to wear sunscreen, even though it appears to be raining, because everything is damp.
Zoning in and out of The Today Show (thank you, NBC, for giving us a break from Katie Couric on weekends. How can ANYONE be that chirpy this early in the morning?! She's a robot, I'm convinced).
Suddenly, a strange, yet very melodic song begins to play. Then there's this little boy on a tricycle. He is riding so fast, his chubby cheeks are wobbling in the breeze. His lips are pursed with concentration. There's a strange look in his eyes.
The camera pans down to the pavement just as the tricycle's front wheel makes an easter egg go "splat!"
We see that the whole length of the pavement is lined with chocolate Easter eggs. And a bunny! There's a real, live, white bunny with a trembling nose at the end of the line of easter eggs. The camera zooms out. The boy is heading straight for the other easter eggs AND THE BUNNY! HE IS GOING TO HIT THE BUNNY!
The other Easter eggs go "Splat!" "Splat!" "Splat!" as the boy rides over them. This is a little serial killer in the making. He is enjoying this far too much!
A little girl screams somewhere off camera.
The bunny is frozen... The only sign of fear in its little pink triangle of a nose, which is trembling uncontrollably.
There are only three Easter eggs left before the bunny...
"Splat!"
Two...
"Splat!"
I think I'm going to scream!
One...
Abruptly, the tricycle stops, not even an inch from the last Easter egg and the bunny.
If bunnies could look relieved, I'm sure this one wouldn't have looked it, because it was still too shocked to move anything but its trembling nose.
A few voices begin to chorus something about an Easter parade and trying Mary Sue (or something like that) candies today, bringing home the fact that the music had never stopped.
Words flash across the screen: "Some traditions are worth saving."
I zone out.
The boy brings water and medicine.
"I just had the most absurd dream," I croak through chapped lips. "There was a bunny, a real one, and this little boy on a tricycle was trying to kill it!"
The boy looks worried, leans close and feels my forehead. "You are burning up! Here, sit up and take this." He holds up the glass. I'm about to take a sip when I hear something familiar.
"THERE IT IS! MY DREAM! LOOK!" I point at the television. The excitement nearly brings on a coughing fit, but I drink the water and the boy manages to see and hear "my dream" without any interruption.
"Oooooooh!" he groans at the part where the little demon child is heading straight for the bunny.
At the conclusion, he doesn't know whether to laugh or shake his head, so he does both. "Now that must go down as one of the worst commercials I've ever seen. Did they really think that nothing will say "Easter" better than a devilish toddler on a tricycle mowing down Easter eggs and heading straight for a bunny?"
"That's probably why I thought I was hallucinating the whole thing!"
We decided that the copy writer must have dreamed up the concept while suffering from a very high fever, because honestly, since living in Maryland I've seen some rather awful commercials, but that one takes the cake... or rather, in this case... the Easter egg.
Perhaps feverish copy writing can be my new career. I don't think I'm ever going to get better anyway, so I might as well start planning my flu-ridden future.
Redsaid |
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Oh. My! Wow. I hope your fever is gone soon and that I never have the misfortune of seeing that commercial.
poor girl. now, get some soup and stop watching scary commercials ya hear? ;-) feel better soon damnit! hehe
Poor Red Dahling,
You sound awful. Damn the unpredictable weather here. Please get well soon. I wish that I had something else witty to add.
One could read alot into that dream...bunnies and all that.
your writing is great with a fever, tough. get better soon! *hugs*
you know i really meant to write though, not tough. although -- you're tough. hang in there ;o)
Miss you ... If I were there would be bringing you hot chocolates with marshmallows, or chilli... stuff the Chicken Soup...
Get better please.
I'm sure anyone will have fever watching an ad like that. Get well soon.
Get well soon! The good thing about the day after Easter is that Spring begins and all the Easter Candy goes on Sale! Yippeeee!
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March 17, 2005
Green Kegs and Ham
Don your greens, lads and lasses! St. Patrick’s Day is here!
What a fine excuse to attend authentically Irish establishments outside the emerald isle, such as this fine place. Do yourself a favour: if you ever find yourself in D.C. and you happen to be in the mood for a few pints and a great time, go there!
I really like this day. And no, not just because it calls for - no, BEGS for - the consumption of large quantities of green beer! What do you take me for? Never mind... please don't bother to answer that!
I like it, because it's the ONE time of year that I find my red hair to be a somewhat useful accessory. I pretend to be Irish and usually get away with it, even though my South African accent doesn't even come CLOSE to sounding like the beautiful Irish lilt. Luckily, after a few beers, most people don't know the difference. Or if they do, they simply couldn't give a damn!
I was surprised to learn that this celebration was a religious holiday first. It only turned into a raucous drunken brawl much later. How lucky for us that it did!
Here, in VERY loose limerick form is a brief history of St. Patrick's Day. Please keep in mind that just because I like to compose limericks (I DO! Especially when I've had a pint... or two) does not mean that I am any good at it. In fact, I'm REALLY BAD at it, but since when have I allowed slight technicalities like that to prevent me from doing something? Huh?
Exactly...
So here goes. As the orthodontist said to the crooked teeth: Brace yerselves! (See? It's already lame, and I haven't even gotten to the limerick yet! You'd better have a pint first!)
The year was Three Eighty-Five AD
When Welsh lad Maewyn the light did see
His kin was poor and tough
He himself was quite rough
And hardly well-behaved or saint-ly
A band of thieves and marauders
From Ireland crossed several borders
The boy’s home was raided
Slavery awaited*
He spent six years answering orders
It was then that Fate came a-callin'
Told young Mae to convert the fallen
"No you can't be a drunk,
You must become a monk!"
He was Bishop before he was baldin'
Mae kept that gig for thirty years
When he died there were many tears
There at his Irish wake
He got another break
Sainthood and a day of green beers
So on this fine St. Patrick’s Day
Party all your sorrows away
Don your far greenest frock
Pin to it a large shamrock
And play Irish for one whole day
*"Awaited" can only rhyme with "Raided" if you say it with an American pronunciation. Besides, you ought to be drunk by now, so it shouldn't really matter!
That then was the brief (inaccurate?) history behind the March 17th celebrations. Of course, I've omitted some stuff about snakes and leprechauns (the little green men you'll see after a night of heavy drinking). I had no choice, because I wanted to keep it short in case you read this when you're not feeling so well.
Not to worry! Coming tomorrow: a haiku on how to cure a hangover.
But, what the hell, since it's St. Pat's and I'm on a roll (albeit a very bumpy one), I can't resist writing just one more.
Last one. I promise!
Andre Agassi’s a tennis pro
He saw Steffi and said “Why, hello!”
She said her name is Graff
And they hit it right off
Do their children have tennis elbow?
UPDATE: Dedicated to all the Irish (be it by birth/drunkeness or sheer imagination), but especially to her.
Redsaid |
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Oh red, that's tragic.
I love it!
oh yeah.. check out claypot's St Paddy's Day cartoon...
Love that too!
http://www.360degreesofsky.blogspot.com/
This St. Paddys day, I went to 'an authentic English pub' (named the Elephant and Wheelbarrow) with a New Zealand acquaintance and bought (brown) Irish beer off an American barmaid while listening to authentic Irish African American jazz.
There's not really any point to that little story, I just thought I'd tell you...
Aw, I thought the limerick was quite good actually! :) It seems the French don't celebrate St Patricks, or if they do, they're keeping it a very good secret! I'm wearing green, just in case. ;)
Thanks for the dedication Red! Geez, I've just been surfing various sites and seen so much vitriolic political sectarian paddybashing. What is up with the world? Yes, this day has been overtaken by commercialisation, but relax, it's also an excuse to take the day off and go down the pub with your mates. Shame people can't just enjoy themselves. I enjoyed your limericks anyway ha ha!
Red Dahling,
You are so talented.That limerick thing was really good. I'm not good at rhyming anything. I didn't get a chance to celebrate St. Pat's Day this year like in years past. The po-po were everywhere.
And I'm not as young as I used to be. It's hard to out run the police in heels.
Red Dahling,
I am Officially a real blogger. I got my own blog. Please come and visit. and I'll come visit that place called Hampden.
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February 13, 2005
To all the guys who leave the toilet seat up, a love letter
(The following ditty is brought to you by this contest, which I don't stand a chance of winning.)
Before I begin, I have to confess that I'm by NO means an expert on romance.
Sure, I'm a girl. (So to all of you who until now have been led to believe that I'm a fat, bald guy in Ohio: I'm sorry for the let down!) And like most girls, I'll admit to stealing an occasional glance at one of those sappy, made-for-Sunday-night-T.V. Hallmark movies.
If no one else is in the room, I might even allow myself to get sucked into the predictable plot of girl meets boy, they both fall for each other, but of course one thinks the other is not interested; or the conflict comes in the form of an ex-lover, or class difference, or mean parents; and then, just when you think things can't get ANY worse for the poor souls, one of them falls victim to cancer or a near fatal car accident, which in turn leads to tearful deathbed confessions about their feelings before there is a miraculous recovery and a wedding while the final credits roll.
Bah to Hollywood and their into-the-sunset-and-happily-ever-after endings! I say keep the cameras rolling for that first quarrel, or for the expression on the heroine's face when she walks into the bathroom a few months after the wedding and sees the toilet seat up and the dirty socks on the floor directly NEXT to the laundry basket. Zoom in when the gleaming light in her eye (you know the one. All new lovers have them) is slowly snuffed out as she realises that this is what she's let herself in for: dirty drawers 'til death does him in!
I'm just kidding! Let's face it: we love our partners, flaws and all. And honestly, ladies, if an upturned toilet seat is your guy's worst offence, then you are an incredibly lucky girl. Besides, people who lose their loved ones often say it's those same annoyances that used to drive them up the wall that are sorely missed once their partner is gone.
If that is true, and my sweetie outlives me, then he is going to miss me a LOT, because I certainly have my share of ... eh... shall we say, quirky habits.
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For one, I'm a hopeless cook - and that is a gross understatement - so my dearest has no prospects of ever coming home to a home cooked candlelight dinner. (Unless of course the professional chef/caterer prepares it in our kitchen.)
I always believed that my lack of 'proper girl skills' put me at a terrible disadvantage in the romance department (after all, I come from a culture where most girls not only know how to cook and entertain, but they are quite proficient at it too), so I felt I had to compensate for my domestic deficiency in some other ways.
For instance, while at journalism school in South Africa, my best girlfriend and I befriended two boys in our class. Conveniently, they were also the boys that we had secret crushes on, but of course we never let on, because we wanted to prove that we could be 'just friends' with members of the opposite sex. So we spent the majority of our Political Science classes silently pining for and swooning over our platonic pals.
As our final year came to a close, and with adulthood and jobs closing in and threatening to separate all of us and scatter us onto different corners of the world, my friend Michelle and I decided that we wanted to do something special for the guys. The objective was for the four of us to spend one last carefree evening together before finals. Money was tight, so our options were very limited. Luckily my best friend is extremely resourceful, so she came up with most of our final, budget friendly plan.
But long before we knew exactly what we were going to do, we made and sent out their invitations with instructions to save the date, to be ready on time and to wear suits and ties.
Despite the dress code (or maybe because of?), the guys were intrigued and very excited and curious. Every day they would pester us for clues. We responded by acting all mysterious (which isn't particularly difficult to do if you yourself don't even have an inkling of the plans). Luckily Michelle's creativity flourishes under pressure, and before long we really did have a secret to keep.
On the November evening (which is late spring in South Africa), the guys were at home and all dressed up per our instructions when their doorbell rang. Thinking that we were finally there to pick them up, they answered the door. Much to their consternation, they discovered two policemen and a warrant for their arrests for "stealing city property." The "stolen property" in question were several unreturned and long overdue library books.
The two shaken guys were promptly cuffed, blindfolded and, like common criminals, unceremoniously thrown into the back of the police van.
As soon as they were blindfolded, the guys began to entertain the possibility that we had a hand in their predicament. They couldn't be completely sure, though, because the idea that real policemen would participate in a hoax just seemed too farfetched.
Little did they know how many coffee and dinner dates were promised to various members of the precinct!
The cops drove in circles for a while before stopping and finally letting their very nervous charges out of the back of the van.
When the blindfolds and cuffs were removed, the guys were stunned to discover that they were at a park not far from their house. The park was one of our favourite places in the city. We had all spent many a morning there while ditching our classes.
It was just after sunset, and the evening was pleasantly cool and fragrant with the sweet perfume of the lilac Jacaranda blossoms.
Michelle went to greet the newly released prisoners and led them back into the park where I was waiting. Hundreds of bottled candles were flickering around our picnic blanket, casting the professional cello player (a girl who had gone to performing arts high school with me) in a soft glow. For the equivalent of $20, she regaled us with a good hour of Bach and Beethoven while we enjoyed our feast.
By a stroke of luck and pure coincidence, we had scheduled the night on a South African holiday, and after dinner, as if on cue, fireworks began exploding and lighting up the night sky.
Needless to say, the guys were floored and deeply touched, and we were instantly forgiven for not getting them better transportation to the event. (If they had only known: they were THIS close to wearing straight jackets in the back of a speeding ambulance. Unfortunately the EMTs were a bit more difficult to charm than the policemen.)
Despite not being romantically involved with the guys, I think we all remember it as one of the most romantic evenings of our lives.
Since that night, I've had the opportunity (miraculously) to go on a few more dates. Some of the suitors whisked me off to events that were as carefully orchestrated as our picnic. Other guys showed up with flowers and bookings to expensive restaurants (which, frankly, always make me so nervous that I choke. Seriously! For a while I was the original one-date wonder because of my punctual first date choking habit. Apparently medical emergencies aren't quite as romantic in real life as they are in Hallmark movies).
And yet, the dates I remember with the most fondness are the ones that were completely spontaneous and unplanned: laughing together over a carafe of cheap wine at a sidewalk café; being taken for a spin on the back of a motorcycle; going for a walk in the rain; coffee and pastries on a winter's day; a Big Mac and fries in the car; a lovely evening at home, made even more perfect when you discover that he has finally remembered to put the toilet seat down...
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The missus never leaves the toilet seat up. She's wonderful....
but yeah, those impromtu dates are often the best and most romantic.
mate... if I'd known about the comp ealier I would have extended the Tez entries to 2000 words...
Of course, competing against you would leave me for dead...
Nice going chick... after reading this I definitely think you're the woman for the Springbok/All Black dissertation...
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January 04, 2005
A Post Traumatic Christmas Story
At a few minutes before midnight on Christmas Eve, in what can only be described as a major mid-air scuffle, Santa Claus and his team of faithful reindeer were intercepted by the Tooth Fairy in the moonlit (or was the glow caused by the blinding holiday lights decorating the houses below?) and cold, clear skies above Hampden, a somewhat quirky neighbourhood in Baltimore, Maryland.
According to riveting eyewitness accounts of the event, the Tooth Fairy (who was described by one very puzzled witness as a gravity defying, large, hairy man with a tiny wing span, and wearing a torn but frilly, pink dress. The police took this description with a grain of salt, calling it "preposterous!", "inaccurate!" and "highly unlikely!", and saying things like "we all KNOW the Tooth Fairy is a dainty and very aerodynamic little girl". At first police ascribed the inaccurate eyewitness account to the witness suffering from what is clearly a case of Post Traumatic Stress disorder (a common affliction among eyewitnesses), but the department quickly retracted most of the above statements (it's hard to tell which ones) when a few other eyewitnesses nervously came forward, one even delivering a very grainy and blurry but undisputably credible (even though it had no sound) video tape recording - which shall henceforth be known as Exhibit A - of the whole affair)... now where was I?
Oh, yes. According to the wildly different (but variety is the spice of life) eyewitness accounts, as well as the blurry but soundless images amateurishly captured on Exhibit A, the Tooth Fairy (who from that angle did indeed look very much like a large man in a dress) in a shrewd (but despicable!) manoeuvre, derailed the reindeer from their high speed gift delivery path by spanning dental floss across it, thereby causing the first two reindeer (Rudolph, Dancer and Prancer. Yes, I know I wrote "two", but the eyewitnesses swore that Rudolph, Dancer AND Prancer were the two reindeer in question. Apparently eyewitnesses don't have to be highly skilled in mathematics) to trip over it. This resulted in an unpleasant chain reaction crash and dominoe effect topple of the whole lot of them.
Poor Santa was tossed from his wrecked sleigh, catapulting through the sky as if he was a weightless entity, and gifts of various sizes were scattered everywhere, the wrapping torn to shreds and the bows askew.
"It was utter carnage!" The police spokesperson declared in a solemn tone. (Even though there were no known fatalities among the victims.)
According to more conflicting eyewitness reports, the Tooth Fairy then ransacked the gift bags, looting several home dental care and tooth whitening products.
Even after hearing this, (and Santa's Elves later confirming the conspicuous absence of those objects from the salvaged gifts) the police maintained that there was still no known motive for "what can only be described as a very unfortunate accident." (Even though the Tooth Fairy was captured in close-range on Exhibit A and can be clearly seen (it was actually the only bit on the whole video tape that was in focus) mouthing the word (and this was later confirmed by a hearing, lip-reading expert) "Sabotage!"* while sporting a wicked and - as can be expected - toothy grin.)
* The lip-reading expert would later reluctantly admit - but only after increasing pressure - that there may have been a teensy tiny, itty BITTY chance that he could've misunderstood, and that what he had interpreted as "Sabotage" may very well have been "Open the Garage" or "See That Mirage" or, in the unlikely event that the Tooth Fairy is French Canadian or even just French, he may have an accent and so he could've said: "Take out the garbage", because his pronunciation would've caused "garbage" to sound more like "gar-baaaaaahge", thereby rhyming with "garage" and "mirage". The moral of this bit of the story is that one should really never trust in a hearing lip-reading expert. Unless of course you have absolutely NO other alternative.
Anyway, the police claim that they are still working hard to solve the case, but - if you will forgive me editorializing for just a moment - I think they're only saying that because the Elves have been withholding all the gifts that were supposed to go to all the members of the Baltimore City Police and their immediate families, refusing to hand it out until the case is solved and the stolen goods recovered. So the police are much more interested in appeasing the Elves in order to get the gift embargo lifted, so that "our poor kids and wives can finally get their presents and stop driving us crazy. You can't blame them though, because it's almost January!*"
* Of course, that was said on December 31st. So then it WAS just almost, but not quite yet, January. Of course, now it IS January.
But all of that aside...
Back to Christmas Eve, when Hampden children small and a bit larger (like me) were fighting sleep while eagerly awaiting Santa's arrival, oblivious to the pandemonium carrying on in the skies high above their neighbourhood.
I myself was drifting off when I was suddenly jolted awake by a loud bang on the roof of our house.
I bravely ran downstairs (away from the sound). Honestly though, I wasn't just going to cower in a corner, I was really going to cower and peek out from behind my teddy bear (tightly clutched and held up in front of me like body armour) to investigate.
It was during this time, as I was peeking out from behind my teddy, that I happened to look out the window and see something flash and fall from the sky.
(To be continued...)
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Hahahahaha. Just kidding. I'll finish the story now.
I heard the falling object land with another loud thud and then bounce in the backyard.
And then there was silence.
(Except for my heart thumping in my ears, because yes, didn't you know that people who were born in Africa have two hearts? Located in each of their ears? The purpose of this is so that you can hear it beat in stereo. That's why Africans have such astounding rhythmic ability... well, most of us. And by us I don't mean to imply myself. Because I have NO rhythm. Really. Not even a biorhythm!)
Anyway...
It was so quiet that I thought I must be dead. But then I remembered my hearts thumping in my ears, so I had to dismiss that possibility.
I finally worked up enough nerve to get up (still hiding behind my teddy) and slowly move towards the window.
ItwasthenthatIheardaloudBANG....
Oops, sorry. Wrong story.
Let's backtrack to the window. I stood at the window for what felt like an eternity, but I couldn't see anything.
Then I realised it was because my eyes were closed. (I always do that when I'm scared. I close my eyes. The logic behind this is that if I can't see trouble, then trouble won't be able to see me either.)
So I opened my eyes and looked out the window into our backyard. At first I could see nothing out of the ordinary.
Until I saw something shiny out of the corner of my one eye.
So I quickly brought the other eye into the same direction and focused.
It was a package wrapped in gleaming Christmas paper.
I scanned the rest of the yard to see if anything less pleasant than a Christmas present was lurking there, and then I dropped my teddy and bravely ran out to retrieve the package.
It wasn't ticking or anything, but the package was a bit worn and torn from all the falling and bouncing it had done, so I was still a bit reluctant to just grab it.
But then I said: "Oh, stuff it!" And I picked up the package, ran into the house, tore it open and beheld one of the most beautiful things I had ever seen...
To be conti... Okay, just kidding again.
It was a highly coveted Sonicare toothbrush.
And I was ecstatic.
The toothbrush and I are living... well, if not quite so happily ever after ('cause with my lack of coordination it is taking some getting used to... but that's another story for another time), so I should rather say that we are learning to live harmoniously together.
And yes, that is really the climax and resolution and ending of this very, very, VERY long story.
Sure, I could've simply written down that I had received a Sonicare toothbrush for Christmas and saved both of us a lot of time. But this was MUCH more fun.
Well, it was fun for me at least!
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All that for a toothbrush?
Hold me up!!!!
Hmmm, this from the chick whose best Christmas present this year was a towel...
Love, I think we need to get out more...
Flash and fall from the sky?!? Sounds like a stripper thrown from a plane if you ask me...
I even read over a few sections because I was getting lost in the parentheses and the parenthetical statements... for a tooothbrush???? sigh.
Thanks red for making me laugh out loud so early in the morning...
I think I got lost somewhere in all the parentheses...does someone have a CLIFF NOTES version of this novel?!
No presents for the cops? That would explain the lump of coal up that officer's butt who pulled over me and Best Friend on our way out of Baltimore and gave us three stinking citations.
Stupid Tooth Fairy, causing all that ruckus!
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December 26, 2004
Hung Over and Just Plain Tired
I really hope that you are all doing/feeling/looking much better than this today:
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Ever wondered what Santa was doing on December 26?
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maybe a little better?? not much. definitely feeling deflated. hopefully i don't look quite that pathetic. :-) cute pic.
I want to meet the person that invented those inflatable yard monstrosities.
So I can kick him.
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December 25, 2004
Santa Before Christmas
"Cheerio-ho-ho-ho!"
To be continued...
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You oughtta see my neighborhood - One guy has about ten of these air-powered figures lined up in front of his house. Very understated!
I'm scared of the "After Christmas" photo...
Happy Holidays! Hope you have a wonderful season!
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December 24, 2004
Deck the halls, part deux
Remember how I was telling you about my sleep deprivation due to the blinding Christmas lights in the neighbourhood?
One would think that I would be used to it by now, because in my previous neighbourhood, I also found myself caught in a perpetual twilight zone from Thanksgiving until after New Year's.
In fact, one of my former neighbours was the Nazi of year round decorating.
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I had almost two years to see her in action, and it was truly astonishing.
The first time it was just before Valentine’s Day. By the time I had moved in, the decorations were already up for the occasion: A flag with pink and red hearts hanging from a flagpole next to the front door, pink and red heart-shaped balloons bobbing from the porch railings, and – to further top off the understated elegance – another flag-like cloth in more or less the same theme of hearts and still MORE hearts, draped down the length of the front door.
I thought that was it, until I noticed a peculiar reddish glow outside when I looked out my window one night. Suspecting a fire or – at the very least – the landing of an unidentified flying object (this IS the United States after all), I rushed outside.
To my further amazement and slight horror, I saw what it was: strings of red and pink lights – similar to Christmas lights, but only in heart shapes – were strung along the fence and around the porch. In all the windows, a succession of Cupids outlined in the same kind of lights, blinked on and off, furiously alternating between red, pink and white.
Perhaps it all wouldn’t have been THAT bad, had it not been for the fact that it had just turned January and the day of St. Valentine was still more than a month away.
Believe it or not, but I eventually got used to it.
By the end of Valentine’s Day, though, I was shocked anew. The Valentine’s adornments that I had reluctantly learned to live with, were conspicuous in their absence.
Unfortunately, this didn’t mean that the little garden was back in its ‘natural’ and quintessentially Baltimore state of gnomes and plastic flowers (really, the kind with little propeller-like leaves that is set off spinning in a blur of bold colours at the nudge of even the most gentle breeze).
Instead, all the Valentine’s decorations had been skilfully replaced and Easter bunnies of all shapes and sizes had invaded the garden.
By the time the red, white and blue flags, streamers and lights went up for a very patriotic Independence day on the fourth of July – before the sun had even sunk on Easter Sunday, mind you – I finally reached a profound conclusion. I realised that the woman was an obsessed decorator and that she simply HAD to be the first one to have her decorations up for the next holiday.
One of the younger neighbours tried to beat her to the punch (for Thanksgiving, I think, for which the decorations come out about a week after a flag with a yellow and brown leave motif announced the start of autumn. Oh, did I forget to mention the seasonal decorations?), but she must have had a secret informer, because she returned home early from work that day and (perhaps out of revenge, I suspect, but can’t be sure) out-decorated the entire neighbourhood with turkey flags, stuffed toy turkeys along the stone path through her garden and a larger-than-life scarecrow.
And yes, of course she was first again. But in the defence of the young neighbour who had tried to beat her: she was only 11 years old, while the Nazi Decorator had the edge of experience at about 35.
But if I had thought that she was overdoing it the rest of the year, I was in for a serious surprise. You see, I was to learn that the epitome of her decorating …um…talents are saved up to come to its full glory only for the Holiday of all Holidays: Christmas.
But before I get to that, let me tell you about the seasonal decorations. Regardless of what the weather was like, on every official calendar day that marks the start of a new season, her old decorations were promptly taken down and the new ones went up in its place.
That same year I was horrified to see her take the same stance regarding the few natural flowers in her garden.
On a beautiful, warm October day, she was out in her garden, viciously ripping out all the perfectly alive natural flowers in sight.
(And no, it wasn’t weeds, it was real flowers.)
Shocked beyond belief, I asked the 11-year old what was going on.
"Oh, don’t you know? Today is the first official day of fall."
"But it’s still so warm!" I exclaimed.
She merely shrugged, and sympathetically patted me on the shoulder as if to say: "You’ll get used to it one day."
And yes, of course the flowers were replanted with military precision on the first official day of spring, whether it was still minus forty degrees outside or not.
Back to Christmas.
The Thanksgiving turkey wasn’t even cold yet when she went outside and started ripping off the decorations.
That night, when we emerged from the house again to see off a friend, Christmas had arrived in all its glory.
I don’t even know where to START describing all the decorations she had up: stuffed Santas, reindeer made out of wire, blinding Christmas lights everywhere, the ever-present flag, and the best: A life-size nativity scene with all the figures (multiracial, I must add, so at least she was politically correct) made out of plastic. At night they lit up as well, and with that special effect they did seem like glowing idols.
Later that Thanksgiving weekend, we had a terrible storm that ripped through the area, complete with rain and howling wind gusts.
When we left our house on the first sunny morning, I looked over at the Nazi Decorator's Christmas palace. At first I thought she had taken the nativity down, but then I looked closer. Mary, holding the baby Jesus, the three wise men, the donkey and the sheep all lay facedown in the bare and muddy flowerbed.
Only Joseph was still standing – or rather, leaning – and also just barely, because he was merely held up by the porch railing.
I had to wonder: was it Divine Intervention?
Well, whether it was or not, the nativity was promptly resurrected. This time, she had securely tied them to the porch railings with rope, where they remained hostage until sunset on Christmas day.
Believe it or not, but it could have been worse.
A man who lives in the northern suburbs of Baltimore made the evening news recently for his decorations and for how he managed to do it. And believe me, making the Baltimore evening news because of your Christmas decorations takes some doing in this town!
You see, he lives in the woods and he decorated all the huge trees around his house with Christmas lights.
He managed to string the lights by... you'd better sit down for this one... shooting it up into the branches with a bow and arrow.
In the dark.
He proudly demonstrated this to the camera crews and breathless television reporters. While he was taking aim, he said cheerfully: "I haven't killed anyone... yet."
See? I really should count my blessings, because no one in my neighbourhood has gone to such drastic decorating lengths... yet.
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Happy Christmachanukwanzaasolictivus, Red!
... and yes, always count your blessings. :)
*mwah*
Her name wasn't Martha by any chance was it? With such precision and extreme need to be first, Ms. Stewart may have lived there.
Then again she could just be strange.
Mery Holiday to you!
Hey Gretchen,
Oh, no... Martha S would've abdicated her cookie covered thrown without any court cases or trading scandals before "planting" plastic flowers in her garden.
This woman was just plain weird.
And you know what? For the life of me, I can't remember her name! She was 35 years old and still living with her mom (who was rather unfriendly... maybe because she couldn't sleep either, what with the constant glow of whatever holiday lights flickering right outside her bedroom window) and her poor dad, whose name is Fred. He was the sweetest old guy and TOTALLY oppressed by those two women, ordering him about and giving him daily chores to do. Even on weekends, when they went to a neighbouring state to shop at outlet stores where they undoubtedly bought even more decorations, he was out mowing the lawn and sweeping the porches and vacuuming the house. Skinny as a rail and moving about like a nervous bird, he always had some sort of broom or vacuum cleaner in one hand, a cigarette in his mouth and a beer in his free hand. He was so friendly when they weren't around, and he'd actually come up to the fence and initiate conversations with us. I bet he was quite lonely. When they were around, he found escape in his hardcore factory job. The highlight of his year was when he got to have a rare weekend off and away from them. Then he got into his old jalopy of a car with a couple of six-packs and went fishing all by himself.
And I swear, whenver he came back from his lone fishing trips, he looked about a hundred years younger.
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December 22, 2004
Christmas Card-inal Rule #1
Okay, I know I've been quiet, but I've been making Christmas cards.
It sure took me a long time to make Christmas cards, you say? Well, I bet it would've taken you just as long if YOU were hanging upside down.
Plus, I'm a forgetful procrastinator, and that's never a good combination of traits for one person to posse... Hang on. I'll finish this in a minute.
(An hour passes.)
Point taken?
Wait... what point again?
Okay, okay... just sort of kidding. Forgive me, I've only just now managed to get a hang of typing while hanging upside down. And as you can probably tell, the only thing that has been steadily draining through my ear canals is my brain.
Anyway, back to the time-consuming upside-down crafting of the Christmas cards.
Yes, I do indeed try to make cards - "try" being the operative word here. I'm not really any good at it, but it's something that I've been doing year after year for as long as I can remember. Besides, my family pretends to like it when they receive homemade cards from me, so I consider it part of my holiday duty and tradition to make cards and send it to all of my relatives.
One year, however, my homemade Christmas cards managed to cause quite a scandal within my family. And I didn't even draw my own likeness on it!
Oh, no... my unfortunate choice for cover art was considered to be a little bit worse than my face. Just a little bit, mind, but still...
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself.
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So as I've already begun to tell you, my tradition of making cards began when I was but a wee pumpkin.
Okay, who am I trying to delude here? I was NEVER "wee."
I derived my 'artistic' inspiration for my Christmas card cover art from my immediate surroundings. And since I couldn't for the life of me manage to get the dogs to be cooperative Christmas card models with tinsel wrapped around their noses, or even get them to remain stationary long enough to actually become part of the holiday stationery (one would think that the possibility of infamy would be enticing enough for any canine, but alas), I had to look elsewhere.
And it was that continued quest for inspiration in our house that led me to the Chosen Object which ended up being the controversial cover art that year (it was circa 1983, in case you were wondering. I was about nine years old).
I found it in my one sister's bedroom (which was off-limits to me, but since she was away at boarding school I decided to risk it), and knew as soon as I laid eyes on it that I had found the object that was to be my 1983 Christmas card cover art.
I broke another one of the cardinal Laws of Intimidation Inflicted by Older Siblings when I proceeded to remove the festive-looking object from my sister's room.
Oh, what great lengths a wannabe artist will go to for inspiration!
Anyway, so I took the object to my room where I spent hours painstakingly drawing it onto folded card stock.
I usually gave the first card to my parents right after making it, but that year, in an attempt to up the surprise factor a bit, I decided to keep them in suspense. So I finished making all the other identical cards, sealed and addressed the envelopes and asked my mom to take me to the post office on her next trip into town. (We lived on a farm.)
It just so happened that she needed to buy something that same afternoon, so she drove me into town and I took great delight in feeding all the envelopes (and there were quite a few, for I sent homemade cards to all of my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents) through the slot of the post office mailbox.
When we got home later that day, I presented my mom with her and my dad's envelope.
She opened it with a huge smile and took the card from the envelope. She looked at it, and that's when her face went pale and then crimson.
"Is... is... How? Where did you find this picture?" My mother could hardly speak.
"I drew it, Mommy!" I said, very proud of the fact that a card made by me with my very own hands had evoked such emotion in my mom. It was plain to see that she was so moved, she was almost speechless!
"Is... Has... Is this the picture you drew on all of the cards? The cards that we mailed earlier today?"
"Yes, Mom. You know that I draw the same picture for everyone every year." I was growing impatient, because I didn't want her to ask me silly questions anymore. I was keenly awaiting her praise. It was time for her to make a fuss over the pretty picture I had drawn and for her to give it a special place among all the other Christmas cards that were already on display on the piano. It was my favourite part of our yearly ritual.
But my mom just stood there, as frozen as an ice sculpture. (Which is remarkable when you consider that Christmas in South Africa takes place during the scorching summer.)
At last she spoke again: "Where did you draw it from? Did you trace it?" Oy, still with the silly questions...
"It's a candle I found in Big Sister's room."
"Why didn't you draw an angel like last year?"
"Because that was LAST YEAR, Ma." I was REALLY getting impatient now. "Besides, I liked this better."
A candle on a Christmas card is a perfectly respectable picture, isn't it? It so beautifully and aptly convey the holiday message of hope and peace. Doesn't it?
My mom didn't think so. And, although the rest of the family's reaction to my Christmas card "art" never reached my ears, I suspect that my 1983 Christmas card never went on display in any of its recipients' homes.
After all, it never made it onto our piano with the rest of the cards. Of course I was very upset at first, but after discussing the matter at some length (but on a strictly need-to-know basis), I eventually conceded that my mom had a valid point:
No matter how festive you think it might be, a picture of a candle shaped like a grinning red devil with the words "Horny Little Devil" engraved onto its bulbous stomach in big yellow letters, really has no business of being on a Christmas card.
P.S. I never saw that satanic candle again. I later found out that my sis - who as a young teen was as oblivious to the meaning of the engraved pun as I was - had bought the candle for herself, because it matched the red decor of her room.
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oh, i have such a filthy mind. i thought you'd drawn a dildo on the cards!
LOL... where's my card? minus the dildo drawing btw
I have the same filthy mind as kellen! I thought it was a dildo too!
Merry Christmas!
Hey there ...
Classic story... kept us in suspense right to the crucial moment!!!
To answer your question, Sth Africa man lasted through 2 dates...
Enough said
Have a Merry Christmas Red!
OK I had the same dirty mind as all the others... but a little red devil candle is funny.
Terbinafine Terbinafine http://lamisil-ki.healthandfitnessplan.comLamisil Lamisil http://lamisil-ki.healthandfitnessplan.com
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December 14, 2004
Deck the halls. And walls. And streets. And trees. But be a deer and don't disrupt my biorhythm.
One recent day – I must’ve been looking the other way – Christmas arrived as quietly and as understated as a John Waters movie on the street in Baltimore where I live.
Well, actually, since you’ve come to expect the factual journalism that I’ve been known to display on this blog (why the sudden outburst of hysterical laughter?), it is my duty to come clean: Christmas really arrived in a blinding burst of flashing lights and with an army of inflated Santas and a herd of mechanical reindeer and flags and bows and tinsel and gigantic candy canes that glow in the dark and tons of other potential fire hazards (Bah HUMBUG!), about a week before Thanksgiving.
But I’ve been sick. And before I became ill, I was startled by all the lights. You know, like the proverbial deer in the Christmas lights? So I’ve been frozen by this hypnotic glare, unable to write and tell you about it sooner. (It’s your choice, factual journalism or up-to-the-millisecond-but-hopelessly-lacking updates. I’m sure that you’ve already learned from watching the news and reading most papers that you most certainly can NOT have both.)
So we have been enveloped in permanent twilight ever since the arrival of Christmas. Dark nights have become a thing of the past, and therefore, so has sleeping.
But maybe the inability to sleep is not such a bad thing. Well, this light-induced insomnia might have a lot to do with my slow recovery, but I think even if I WAS able to sleep, I would’ve fought it with all my might.
You see, those mechanical reindeer and the way their wired eyeless heads seem to follow my every move as I stumble to and from the house at night absolutely FREAK ME OUT, especially after a few too many sips of eggnog. It’s a nightmare just begging to happen, and should I dare to doze off, I just KNOW that those wires will spring to life a la Chucky and chase me down the streets of Baltimore and pounce on me and tie me up with strings of Christmas lights…
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I thought I would get away from bad christmas decorations when I moved to the big city. Ah, how wrong I was... People put those reindeer on their fire escapes!!!! Yeah, like that's legal?
the christmas season still hasnt hit me... maybe by this weekend.
You have no idea. I'm going to NYC this weekend FOR the Christmas festivities. Wanna come with me?
Aaron
Hey, babe. I noticed you had some spam comments, so I updated your MT Blacklist and removed them. :)
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December 13, 2004
Peeking out from under the duvet
I'm alive.
Still congested in every single head cavity (even in my mouth, which is stuffed with comfort food. Does that count?), but there is some life left in me yet.
Just wanted to surface quickly and thank you all for your well-wishes and for the attempts at sending soup.
Of course, I realized in retrospect that I never would've been able to receive the soup in time for it to still be hot, because I have dial-up.
And I think you'll agree: that awful fact alone is more than enough to make ANYBODY ill.
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I'm starting to feel sick FOR you... Dial-up? You poor, poor thing!
i'm still sick too. we can be sick together over the internet. :)
No Kimberly darling! I don't mind the cold soup! (In fact, I'm grateful for anything edible and drinkable. My standards are very low when it comes to nourishment. Except carrots. Don't like carrots.) It's the fact that I still have archaic dial-up that makes me ill!
cold soup... so what? wha, don't they have microwave ovens in South Africa when you were growing up?
get well soon!
No worries, Red, I can send the soup to you via my hotmail address, which should keep it warm.
I'm pouring chicken soup into my keyboard for you. Did you get it?
I hope you get betjsn jxodn. udDu fnso eu@m uos vas eynd iams us^s# %8sn aknw ht leysnabed foesn$2 Ys4n)
Mikey...what exactly is a microwave oven. You've really got me there.
Dial Up the bane of my existence as wel... that makes me sick too... is there a sanitorium for dialuppers?
What if it's homemade soup with carrots in it? Or made with a vegetable broth that has carrots? (how much hate of carrots are we talking about here?)
get better sooooon red!
awwwww.... feel better. If you want, I'll eat some soup over here in your honor.
Red,
Been away from the blog world for awhile... didn't even know you were sick. What's the deal? Get better soon, kay?
Miked
P.S.
I don't know if you have it, but Buckley's always does the trick for me... tastes aweful, but it works
I don't know if there's a sanitorium for us dial-uppers. Maybe there's an Insanitorium, though?
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November 30, 2004
Let's Feast and Avenge a Traumatic Childhood Event
For some reason (like, um, my own stupidity?) this entry was never posted on Thanksgiving Day.
Can we pretend that it was because of some serious technical difficulties and not just due to my stupidity though?
PLEASE?!?
Oh, fine. Who was I going to fool anyway? The 'technical difficulties' were caused mainly by the fact that I forgot to press 'publish.'
But please keep in mind that for someone like me, who has been known to remotely blow up computers by merely sending out a few e-mails, things could have been far, far worse.
Anyway, so here, especially to speed up your post-Thanksgiving digestion, the Post That Almost Wasn't And If It Wasn't You Would've Been No Worse Off For It I'm Sure.
So please, just for today (and it's not like I ask it of you EVERY day. Just every time I post. So that would be like only every other day), pretend to humour me. Besides, how often is it that someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving five days after the fact?
Exactly.
So here goes:
To everyone in the United States: Happy, happy Day of Overindulgence... I mean... Thanksgiving!
This fine day on which you commemorate what must be one of the biggest real estate bargains of all time: The Pilgrims swapping a few bottles of liquor with the Native Americans and getting a miserly bit of land in return. (I mean, really. They could've at LEAST thrown in a bit of Canada as well, but... oh, never mind.)
JUST kidding! Of COURSE I know that the Native Americans received only one bottle of liquor as payment for the country! (But, what the history books so callously omit is that, dammit, it was GOOD liquor!) And then a turkey was caught, plucked (and the feathers used by the Pilgrim women to sew what ended up being very fashion forward headdresses for the Natives), divided and amicably devoured by all around a rock somewhere in Massachussetts, before they proceeded to eat each other.
And voila, Thanksgiving was born.
But luckily this post isn't really about me sharing my very accurate (so accurate it's almost deadly, isn't it?) knowledge of American history.
Alas, no.
But if it IS something historical you're after, fear not, for I'm about to delve into my very own sordid past to explain to you why I don't particularly care for turkey in any form, be it dead, stuffed and covered in gravy, or very much alive and making that alarming sound.
Yeah, I didn't dub it the turkey bastard for nothing.
Ah, but before all of you turkey lovers out there get all defensive, consider this: My first encounter with the Meleagris Gallopavo (Thank you, Google!) species took place during my fragile formative years on my maternal grandparents' farm where my sisters and I were mercilessly stalked and chased by a roaming flock of turkeys (or rafter of turkeys. Specify, Google! Specify!) whenever we dared to leave the confines of the house to play out in the sprawling gardens.
The turkeys would have none of it, though, and in what ended up being a horrifying role reversal, we, the innocent human children, ended up cooped up in the house while the turkey bastards continued to strut around, their wattled necks jiggling with every smug step.
Ghastly birds! Foul fowl! They don't call bad movies "turkeys" for nothing!
In conclusion, I leave you with the following anecdote received from her. She sent this to me after I wrote this.
I want to share it so that if some of you happen to belong to the same CTbT group (Children Terrorised by Turkeys), I can only hope that you find some comfort in this story, if only it is to know that you are not alone in your trauma:
"Another friend of mine told me that his uncle owned a turkey farm. He described, one time when he was about 8, walking across the farm and realizing that a whole herd (flock?) of turkeys was following him. He stopped, and whirled around to look at them.
Because turkeys, like many birds, have their eyes on the sides of their heads, they all stopped and turned their heads to either side. They, of course, were trying to see him better, but to him, it looked like they were pretending that they hadn't been following him and were pretending to not see him. "Nope, no one here was following you, doo-dee-doo.. just out looking for some seed... nothing to see here... just keep walking" Each time he continued walking, they'd follow him again, and the cycle was repeated over & over, making him completely paranoid." - Maggie.
P.S. Once again, I'm wreaking havoc elsewhere.
Updated P.P.S. I see that I'm not the only one who sometimes forgets to press "publish". Shall we start a Bloggers Unable To Blog support group too?
Redsaid |
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Heh. Don't worry. I (Sketch) was famous for "losing the edit button" over at Sitepoint (http://www.sitepoint.com/forums/showthread.php?t=64378).
So losing the Publish button is but a small thing. ;) You will probably not hear about your faux pas for years to come like I had.
Aaron
Can I join BUB? (Bloggers Unable to Blog) My forte is hitting the DELETE THIS BLOG button. Yeah, that's right...entire blog deleted. Gone. God, I'm such a TURKEY!
i loose entries all the time, i just usually don't tell anyone ;o)
you know the german (=ME) meant to say lose, right?
god, i'm such a comment whore...
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November 24, 2004
Thank Houston!
"Whether the weather be fine,
Or whether the weather be not,
Whether the weather be cold,
Or whether the weather be hot,
We'll weather the weather
Whatever the weather,
Whether we like it or not!" - Author Unknown.
The above is titled... wellwhaddayaknow?... "Weather." (And yes, you're very welcome! I'm always happy to plant things in people's heads that they'll want to mutter repeatedly for the rest of the day much to their own delight and to the great amusement of their co-workers, families and friends.)
But really, it should've been called "Oath of the Television Meteorologist." And they should've replaced a few of the lines with: "We'll force the viewers to like it too, whether they like it or not."
And no, I'm really not a meteorologist hater. REALLY. (And by the way, shouldn't there be a word for people who DO dislike meteorologists? 'Cause, you know they're out there, and I know we're they're out there. Yes, I think so too, thusly I would like to offer the following rather luke warm nominations to the dictionary: Meteoracists, or, in keeping with the variation on the same theme and... okay, simply because I don't have any worse/better ideas: Meteorolocists. Sounds like a really large lump somewhere on a person where it would be most uncomfortable, doesn't it?)
It's just that I suspect that all the meteorologists that I see on local television stations here in Baltimore are a tad possessed. (And, coincidentally, more so when it's full mooooooooon, and I hear them howling through the night (except between the hours of 10 - 11:30 pm) from up there on Television Hill, their ominous figures silhouetted darkly - except for every few seconds when they're briefly illuminated by the red glow of the flashing lights on the transmitter towers - against the bulbous moon.)
For one, their hair, in the typical fashion of the television anchor person, is always so... so... annoyingly in place! It's as if they're completely excempt from the weather related bad hair days (frizz brought on by tropical humidity; limp uncooperation and a dusting of dandruff courtesy of the dry winter air) that seem to befall the rest of us, the non-television-meteorologist population. Even when they're reporting outside of the safe confines of the hair friendly studio, directly from the front, their hairstyles seem to remain unscathed and bizarrely intact.
Like when they're barely hanging onto the side of an airborne building as hurricane strength gale force winds assault them from every angle... the hair remains UNRUFFLED.
Or when they're out in the mid-summer smog, hacking up bits of lung because the air quality is worse in Baltimore than on sulphuric Venus, and they're barely visible on camera through the haze of pollution... except for their hair, which, once again, is SHINING LIKE A BEACON!
But, really, the perpetually perfect hair is NOT the main motivation behind this little outburst of mine. (I did warn you though that I tend to lose my mind ' a bit' when I'm deprived of the sixteen hours of continuous daylight required to keep me sane.)
Oh yes, dear reader, this is not over. There is more!
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They just seem to get so EXCITED at the slightest prospect of bad weather!
Especially this one television meteorologist here in Baltimore whom I have decided to nickname Storm Thunderman. He has bleached-for-T.V. teeth, and well, you already know about the hair, and he gets this demonic look in his eye whenever he senses a storm might be brewing somewhere in the world, but preferrably near or heading straight for Baltimore.
Now, I know it probably helps them in their careers (might even be a requirement) to show some enthusiasm for backing winds, cirrus and cumulus clouds, El Nino... and I'm afraid that's about the extent of my meteorology jargon. But man, Storm's passion goes above and beyond. He especially thrives when he gets to have extra air time. Like, when he interrupts regular programming (which, much to my irritation, seems to always be The Oprah Winfrey Show) to tell us that "By George! There's a cloud in the sky! Watch out, 'cause it might rain!"
You should've seen him during Hurricane Isabel last year! He was on the air for almost three days straight. It was definitely the highlight of his career.
During the late news broadcast, Storm said something that just confirmed all my feelings about him.
His hair was in place, his smile was as frozen as the water in Baltimore's Inner Harbour in January and he was stretching his air time to the max by showing us footage of seriously flooded areas around Houston.
Quite cheerfully, he said: "Just LOOK at all the FLOODING going on in Houston right now!" And then, the demonic glow began to surround him as he continued: "And it's not bound to STOP any time SOON. So, Baltimore, we have Houston to thank for these cloud covers we have, because it's brought on by the heavy rains they're having down there, and it's keeping us a few degrees warmer than usual."
So, Houston, as you are drowning over the next few weeks (and I really hope that you won't!), please be consoled by the fact that Baltimore and Storm would like to thank you and you and you and you and you and you and... wow, I know a lot of bloggers in Houston! And, if you live in Houston and I've omitted to thank you for so unselfishly being rained on so that I can be warmish in November and Storm can have extra air time during November sweeps, please accept my apologies!
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"The rain, it raineth on the just
And also on the unjust feller -
But mostly on the just, because
The unjust steals the just's umbrella."
Some guy in the 19th century. I forget his name.
Do me a favor ... call Storm and inform him that we are *not* in fact responsible for the weather. It's not like we manufacture it down here, you know. It just happens here, and then we send it your way. Silly man, he should know that by now.
By the way, my part of town isn't flooding. Interesting thing about Houston - the city is like very large, so when I had tons of rain at the house on Monday, it had barely rained at all at Mike's office. (It still took him 2 hours to get home after all the rain though. Ugh.)
Yesterday morning, there were green pastures in my neck of the woods in da Mitten.
Then, it started to rain white shit from the sky.
Today, there are six inches of white shit on the ground.
Wendy is back home here in da Mitten, not far from me, for the first time in five years. She is loving it. Her hubby, Fran, however, is a native of Mexico, and has lived either there or in SoCal his entire live, and has never seen white shit from the sky before, and is in utter disbelief at the meshuggas called Michigan weather, and freezing his thin-blooded tuchus off.
I asked him if his wife Skits told him what they say about the weather up here, which is, "If you want the weather in MI to change, wait five minutes." He said that yes, indeed, she did mention that.
That's my homegirl. :)
plz xcuze mah speling n grammer 4 it iz stil erlee an if n whenn u c my latesst p0st ull no y
Happy to oblige, my dear! I will gladly tough out monsoon season around here to make sure my Baltimore friends are toasty warm!
Well, easy for me to say that now that the rain has passed us by...
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October 31, 2004
Pumpkin Time!
Aaah, yes pumpkins.
It's that time of year again.
That time of year when I can move freely and virtually invisibly outside, my large orangey-reddish head sufficiently blending in with the fall foliage and the carved pumpkins.
Also, thanks to her foresight, I didn't even need a special Halloween blog skin for the occasion with this orangey goodness that she designed for me back in May. Thanks, Joelle! I still think you're a genius.
After a weird weather week (ooh, look! Alliteration!) during which Baltimore was shrouded in fog (how Edgar A. Poe-esque!) and the moon was eclipsed, leaving the neighbourhood dogs confused ("Do we howl? Do we bark? Growl?"), and the cats clawing the furniture (oh, right. They always do that), the sun decided to reappear with glorious warmth and force, leaving us with a very beautiful and very unscary day.
(Unscary. Is that even a word?)
I'm soo delirious and high from all the alcohol and Halloween candy, this beautiful spell of weather (pardon the attempt at a Halloweenish pun) feels positively tropical to my warm-weather starved South African system. I'm so happy about the weather, that I'm going to postpone the ritual I reserve for this time of year, this time when the clocks in almost every United State move back one hour, depriving me of an hour of daylight and leaving me no choice but to gnaw my wrists off in a fit of sunlight deprived depression. (Yeah, yeah, don't tell me that this allows the sun to come up an hour earlier. I'm not a morning person, OR a farmer, OR a school kid, so that morning sun is wasted on the likes of me.)
But like I said, the gnawing will commence tomorrow. For now, happy delirium abounds.
So drunk and delirious am I, in fact, that while scouring the news on the internet this morning, my "disleksickness" kicked into high gear yet again and a headline about the election, just like the weather, took an unexpected tropical turn and I read the following:
"Dreadlocked Bush and Kerry Hit Swing States Hard."
Oh, man... can you IMAGINE? How I wish I was prolific in Photoshop!
Update: Luckily for all of us, the boy happens to be very Photoshop savvy, so here, for your pre-election viewing pleasure (cue the reggae tunes):
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Bright eyed and Bushy haired.
"Buffaloooo Soldier, in the heart of Ameeeericaaaa."
P.S. I had to scare you. It's Halloween after all!
Oh, and a little disclaimer: Osama bin Laden's likeness was never used.
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I feel like I went to college with the two presidential candidates.
man i love pumpkin ice cream...
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August 15, 2004
Friday the 13th showed up a day late
Because during last night's performance, every possible thing (and things that I had never even considered!) went wrong for me. Yes, including the bloody television and remote.
And it was a packed house.
What can you do? The show must go on. And so it will. Tonight. And I will. And I will probably survive it, yet again. Albeit not in the least bit unscathed...
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Psst. Just sent you an email. Don't worry about stuff going wrong. You're not on Broadway and it makes for good blog fodder! :-) xxx
I'd say "break a leg," but uh ...
you'll do just fine. and i would come and check it out if i were anywhere near baltimore ;o)
and since you asked: don't know when he'll finally come here (he's still not quite better) and i am thinkin' about taking a few weeks of unpaid vacation to come in november/december. he doesn't know about the plans though and i just made that up in my little head last night. so we'll see (oh, how i hate that sentence!!!).
and don't worry about the not-so-frequent updates. we want this to keep being fun and not become a duty, don't we. and i'll be back (now you have to imagine that with a schwarzenegger-accent of course ;o))
it's like murphy's law... the more people that are in the audience, the more likely things are going to go wrong, and the more horrible it will be when they do.
Hey, you pinged! Does this mean you fixed your computer?
I'd offer a break a leg too but just saw a friend in a performance in which he twisted his ankle - we all told him he'd taken our encouragement too seriously.
So I'll say kick ass! instead.
Sweetie, they will remember you. And even if things went wrong, chances are a lot of people didn't notice. If they did, but they still come back, then it's proof that the show did go on and you can still kick ass.
I know it.
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August 14, 2004
Bearing a Basketball is quite Laborious
After reading how one critic described me as "an English woman who looks like she's about to give birth to a basketball," she tried reassuring me that my fake basketball belly can't possibly look worse than that of one of the female characters on Days of our Lives whose fake belly apparently got squished during a dramatic rescue scene or something.
But alas, that just reminded me...
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During last weekend's opening performance, my leading man poked my fake bean-baggy-pillowy belly with way too much enthusiasm at one point during our performance leaving a huge and very obvious dent in it!
We both looked down at it for a split second in complete horror... and at that moment I was sooooo tempted to say: "Well would you look at that! The poor kid is obviously a bit soft in the head, just like her father!"
I didn't, but in retrospect, I think I should have, don't you think?
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that would have been freaking funny.
Yep, you should have, it would have been ace! Just go with the flow next time...
Hey, that reminds me of the time I watched Romeo and Juliet in an open air theatre in Amsterdam. Every time an airplane came over, the entire cast on stage would freeze mid-action, and put their hand to their foreheads and gaze at the plane. They just turned it into a kind of running gag. Awesome.
I say when in doubt, ad-lib. That would've had me rolling. But, since I'm in a wheelchair anyway, I guess that's not saying much. So, I'll say that would've had me laughing really, really hard!
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Another one down
That would be another casht... I mean, cast...party.
Oh, yeah... and yet another performance too.
No lines forgotten, dropped or stolen from or by my leading man. And, best of all...
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I FINALLY MANAGED TO TURN THE BLOODY TELEVISION OFF ON THE FIRST TRY!!!!
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August 10, 2004
First Review
So the first review is out.
And not that we care what the critics think or anything (riiiiiiiight), but in this case the guy liked it. (Phew!)
Therefore we all like the review. Even I like the review. Despite the fact that the reviewer described my character as:
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"...an Englishwoman who looks like she's about to give birth to a basketball."
He is dead-on. (Except for the Englishwoman part, but hey, let's not get technical.) But don't hold your breath for photos...
P.S. Greatest thing about acting in a play? The flowers on opening night. And the "mandatory" cast parties after every single show. *Hiccup.*
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But hey, at least you know they are talking about you! You are now referenced in a newspaper. How cool is that. You will live on in posterity as "...an Englishwoman who looks like she's about to give birth to a basketball."
You are so cool.
a basketball would be a hard thing to give birth to, i'd think.
and the cast parties are fun - or were when I was in plays in high school. except when the guy i liked didn't like me... :-(
yeah, you are way cool!
but if you refuse to hand out photos, where will you write your autograph on for fans? a basketball?
Congratulations on your review!
The People.
The Drama.
The Cast Parties!
Oh, the life of thespian!
(I think you've got me beat!)
i can't imagine that your fake pregnant belly looks any worse than the fake pregnant belly that jennifer on "days of our lives" is currently sporting. dude, this week, she was fell off a cliff onto a ledge and got lifted back up by dreamy patrick, and the whole time the "basketball" squished up and down with the wrinkles in her shirt. also, i think you're better looking that jennifer anyway.
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August 06, 2004
I'm not fat, I just happen to play a pregnant woman on stage
I actually survived my first night of performing. (And please note: I use the term very loosely when describing my own on-stage shenanigans.) And I only had ONE major flub. (Which, if you want to get technical, was 20 minutes long. Which is the whole time that I'm on stage.)
Anyway, so, that's one "performance" down. Leaving us with (and here the terror overcomes me again) FIFTEEN to go... ugh.
I was mistaken. The media wasn't at last night's performance. Which means they could show tonight. Or tomorrow night. Suddenly (and here she brings a trembling hand to her brow) I feel... a... bit... faint.
Perhaps it's the understudy's time to shine, no? Besides, this whole in-the-spotlight thing is really very overrated, especially if no multi-million dollar movie deal contracts are being signed and no paparazzi are lurking in the shadows to document my every misstep graceful move.
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And when I told you how the first leading man quit the show, I forgot to mention how this meant that we had to redo all the photos. Which means that we went through all of this all over again last week. (Only this time my outfit decided to outdo itself by being even more awful than the first one I had to wear.) And if you've been paying any attention to my drivelings, you would know how much I simply adore being photographed.
Oh, and about that flub of mine?
Within the first five minutes of my scene I'm required to turn on an actual television (by walking up to the set first and turning it on from there... technicalities) and then, after turning it on and turning the sound down a bit (also at the set), I have to drag my fake pregnant body back across the stage, fall down onto the bed and then use the remote to turn on a excerpt from the Dr. Phil Show I'm supposed to watch (because I use it to lead into my short monologue that follows) by pressing "Skip" and "Play."
And then, after my little monologue, I'm supposed to turn it off by pressing "Skip" and "Pause."
Well, sounds simple enough, right?
And yes, perhaps for you techno-savvy people it is. But this is me we're (sadly)talking about, remember? Me, who can't even successfully upload her blog or send e-mails without somehow awakening and releasing a thousand slumbering viruses.
Needless to say, I nailed it during rehearsal. (Although, if you MUST know, not the first time. Or even the second or third... you catch my drift.)
And then, last night. I turned the TV on. Check. And it worked!
I waddled (preggers, remember?) over to the bed and to the remote. Pressed "Skip." And "Play." And thank the theatre gods, for it was cued in the correct place, and Dr. Phil's enormous bold head filled the screen. (Didn't think I'd ever be so happy to see him as I was last night.)
So far so good, right? (And I should've known right then that it was going way too well!)
But again, it's me we're talking about. So needless to say, my ever reliable "Disleksick" alter-ego stepped in and I pressed "Pause" instead of "Skip" or something when I was supposed to turn the TV off, and well... of course nothing happened.
Couldn't just turn the damn thing off at the "off" button either, because the DVD had to remain cued for the leading man, who also uses the TV throughout the entire production. And if I had just caved under the pressure and turned it off (and believe me, in that moment I was verrrry tempted to do just that) I would've thrown the entire and meticulously cued DVD horribly out of whack.
The leading man saved the day by swiftly re-entering and gently prying the by-now-very-cursed remote from my frozen grip and getting it off and cued and fixed, all in a mere second.
Gah.
But remember, I was still there, and the remote was still in the vicinity, so of course something else just had to go wrong.
And it did.
Because at one point during the scene, when I'm supposed to fall back during a fit of frenzied contractions, the blasted TV came on. Seemingly all by itself.
But no. Upon closer panicked inspection we realized that it was all my doing again. Of course.
See, in the middle of my very melodramatic rendition of the contractions during which I fall back onto the bed with an ear-splitting groan, I apparently rolled back with such enthusiasm that I landed Right On The Bloody Remote.
At that point, the audience simply couldn't contain themselves any longer and we all just burst out laughing. Yes, that's right. I said "we." Because always the cool, calm, consummate professional, I started giggling uncontrollably.
Oy... just fifteen more shows people. Just fifteen more shows...
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you never know who might be lurking in that crowd though...
*LMAO* I LOVE theater for just such reasons. Fantastic! Wish I could attend a performance or three to help support ya, Red.
The very first play I tried out for in High School I got the leading role. Opening night went fabulously! But night two..... well. See. It was cheaper by the dozen, and the entire SECOND HALF of the play revolved around my changing from tights to "silk stockings" midway through the first act.
I forgot. And it went downhill from there. In act two I actually had 2 lines that were VERY similar as well, about 20 minutes apart. And I flubbed. And we skilled about 20 pages of important dialog. Good news was that our time that night was fabulously short, badnews was that no matter HOW much adlibbing the more practiced kiddos did to get us back on track, it just didn't work. It was the most confusing (yet well timed!) performance of CbtD ever!
You'll do beautifully, Red! Honest!
- i can type too. we skilled? skipped! *L*
and then there was the time I was supposed to "pretend" to fall asleep on stage.... and actually DID.
whoops. missed cue anyone?
Emily's been telling me forever that I need to read you, but for some reason, I'm just now making my way over here...
Anyway, I wanted to wish you good luck with the rest of your performances. I have stage fright big time, so you are far braver than me (even though I did jump out of a plane last month). :-)
hey - I'm sure you're not as, let's say "gawkish" as you make it sound like. and I would think playing a pregnant woman is reserved for the highly skilled league of actors. I mean including contractions? c'mon - that's really tough..
and WE WANT PIX!! pretty PLEEASE!
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July 20, 2004
"Awlready Draaawlin'"
Off to the chaaarmin' city of Charleston South Carolina today until Friday on an impromptu, pre-birthday surprise trip, courtesy of the boy.
Depending on the computer situation over at the hotel, I will try and blog from there. I've so much to tell anyway!
Off to pack and to work on my draaawl, y'all!
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Awwww. South Carolina? Why not Texas? Huh?
happy pre-birthday... yippeeeee
Dude-do not blog on your holiday. You are reaching the arm-smacking, vein-searching level of blogging that you must avoid. Just relax, have lots of how's your father, and enjoy the sun :)
Have a fantabulous time! Take pictures and post when you get back...not while you're there. We'll wait. Just enjoy!
yes, texas where the BBQ is the best.
Congrats on the birthyday and the trip. Enjoy SC, I know I always have.
See Also: sensuous.
Sensuous up get me a beer.
Yoo hoo....
Red?
How was South Carolina?
Oh I can teach you good hon!
Remember these sayins and you'll be fine suga.
"Well, bless your heart."
Dahlin', Sugah
If you can try and brush up on your movies too before you go.#"Gone With the Wind", "Fried Green Tomatoes", "Driving Miss Daisy", "Steel Magnolias are all a must!
And above all sugah, speak r-e-a-l slow!
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July 17, 2004
Confessions of an old, mature, 20-somethin' (at least for a little while longer!) Drama Queen.
(Can blog entry titles be this long? Should it be allowed?)
Do you remember how I went completely batty with spring (hay) fever and thus managed to get myself cast in a summer theatre production?
Well, if you don't remember or didn't know, I did and ... alas, I did.
Despite the fact that I've no talent for acting and no memory for remembering lines (which, I've discovered much to my dismay, is a crucial and mandatory skill for actors (even for amateur actors like me!) to possess!); and despite a brief encounter with a rodent, I've been having - dare I even write it? - fun.
Well, "fun" in a nerve-wracking sort of way.
And a few frenzied and unexpected events surrounding the production occurred this past week.
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But that's not what I want to write about right now. (Sorry. Promise to eventually disclose all the gory details.)
Instead, ladies and gents, be "treated" to the mock-worthiness of my hastily written actor's bio for the program. It's already overdue, so don't tell me that you hate it, please. Too late!
"After a lifetime of being called a drama queen by family and friends in her native South Africa, and despite her fragile nerves, Redsaid decided to brave the local audition circuit. Much to her surprise, it led to a one-night engagement in an obscure dinner theatre production and an eight month performance stint in an educational production at a museum. She thanks Al, Peg, Dan, and Joe for the opportunity; her cast mates for the laughs and support and the boy for his patience and great coffee."
And in the process of writing that, Redsaid has also discovered how odd it is to refer to herself in the third person.
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What? You mean most people don't regularly refer to themselves in the 3rd person? Natalie does. Natalie likes your bio. Hit the glass, Natalie, hit the glass, just like Sybil...
I LOVE referring to myself in the third person. That, and calling people by their personal pronouns. I think it really adds a glamorous touch. :)
dude, I had to give up referring to myself in the third person when I met my partner - her name's Martha too. now i can fool people into thinking that I'm talking in the third person when really I'm not! I get some strange looks. "I'd love to come but I'll have to check with Martha first."
i would never ever ever ever want to write a bio for a program. never. no one would want to read it! it would probably include tidbits about my menagerie of goldfish and cats, my blue faience hippo collection, and my passion for all kinds of nuts, particularly pecans. or maybe i would mention all the things i've tried and failed at, the numerous musical instruments, five languages, and obtaining a driver's license. see? see? i bet i've already bored you to tears!
I glad you're having fun with this! I've never tried acting in anything that required more than a few lines. I don't see how the big stars do it day in and day out. But, I'm quite sure that they feel fantastic when someone appreciates their effort. So, obviously, people DO appreciate you.
yep, its always wierd to refer to yourself in the 3rd person. IE. pylorns gets what pylorns wants..
ah, it's not so wierd to refer to yourself in the third person. Seems a lot of people do it... even miked
The write up sounds pretty good as well.
In high school, I had the job of writing up bios for the school musical. The cast all had to fill out forms and then I was supposed to take the funniest of what they wrote on the forms and write their bios. It was fun. Except that then, I agonized over my own bio. I wanted it to be the best of all of them. In retrospect, mine sucked. But I tried.
Oh. Maybe I should talk about myself in third person today on my blog?
Oh. Maybe I should talk about myself in third person today on my blog?
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July 10, 2004
The post I bored Stacy's readers with
So this weekend Stacy made the mistake of unleashing me on her blog.
Since it's weekend and I'm too lazy to write anything else, here's what I bored her readers with.
(Update: I'm having computer glitches, so Stacy's since returned from her trip. Oh, you were thinking that I'm merely posting in African time, did ya? Anyway, so now you can safely go and visit her site, without the risk of running into me. The best author of Stacy's blog is Stacy. She is very funny.)
Anyway, here's my second-hand post:
A recent encounter with a crew from a racing sailboat docked at Baltimore's Inner Harbour took me back to my own - somewhat reluctant - international sailing debut a few summers ago in Norfolk, Virginia.
My reluctance stemmed from my nautical skills, which were (and still are) naught.
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Until that time, the closest I've ever come to a sailor was during Op Sail 2000, when a fleet of tall ships was also docked at the harbour here in my current hometown of Baltimore. The sailors aboard the ships were leaning over the rails and doing what sailors are supposed to do (at least in my humble opinion): whooping and wolf-whistling to the girls strolling by on the promenade.
"In that case," I thought, "There can't be all that much to the art of being a sailor."
It has to be said that I'm not exactly the sporty type, and that would still be a gross understatement. For one, I don't swim; I float (a la Ophelia). I love water, but frankly, I've always felt more at home with my feet planted firmly on Mother Earth.
The thought of being ON the water had never occurred to me before that summer, except during elaborate fantasies of spending a Mediterranean summer on a yacht (manned by others who are more muscular... eh, I mean capable.).
Actually, there was another time when I had too much Green Island Rum on Mauritius (that gorgeous island in the Indian Ocean) and I found myself hovering high above the clear blue sea in a tandem parasailing flight. But that's a story for another time...
Other than that, as far as I was concerned, boats were always just objects to complete the charming picture at the marinas and harbours of holiday towns, villages and port cities. Objects with names that I can read and laugh at - like the little dinghy of a thingy which I spotted in a small South African coastal town during a holiday one year. It was very wittily named "Indestructible... the third".
Other than that and as far as I was concerned, boats have always been nothing more than safely distant dots on the ocean's horizon.
Until that one fateful day during a weekend in Norfolk, when I came face to mast with a catamaran.
My host, a verrry handsome American boy, turned out to be an enthusiastic amateur sailor, a fact that he had wisely kept hidden from me until I was entirely at his mercy for the weekend.
This newly revealed facet to his personality would not have bothered me in the least, had it not been for his sly little plans to incorporate me in his crew.
"Aw, c'mon!" he begged, his grin revealing a set of teeth flashing white against his tanned complexion. "The wind is perfect, and just look at the bay!"
I looked at the bay. Threatening white caps marred the normal sheet of calm, brilliant blue. It was one of those days that you didn't need to lick your finger and stick it in the air to confirm the presence of a stirring breeze...
"What about sharks..?" I asked weakly in one last attempt at staying grounded.
I still don't know whether it was my politeness, embarrassment or sheer stupidity - possibly a combination of all three - but the next thing I was an official crewmember (and by 'crew' I mean him and I) ensconced in a bright orange (not my colour!) life preserver and a type of harness contraption, and hooked up to the mast.
He explained something about leaning backward off the boat for balance when we pick up speed, or something to that effect. (My attention span is remarkably short when I'm under pressure.)
"Aye, aye, Captain." (Despite my panic I did remember some of the jargon appropriate for the occasion, like "Captain", "Starboard", "Aft", "Bow", and "Drown.")
On that note, I was off on my maiden voyage. The further we advanced on the open water, the more the breeze felt like a gale force wind.
Soon we were going very fast indeed. I don't know exactly HOW fast we were going, but over the past years, the number has increased every time I've told the story. I've since settled on about 50 knots.
I must admit, something happens in the mind when you are let loose at such a manic speed; when the wind blowing in your face leaves you breathless. At some point, I even started to enjoy this new excursion. (But don't tell anyone.)
Suddenly I was fearless. When the Captain yelled "lean!", I kicked and leaned back so low over the water that my hair got drenched.
My imagination ran wild, and I pretended we were taking part in a world class regatta. Must've been too much fresh air, but in my crazy daydream, we were neck-in-neck with a pirate ship.
Suddenly I was jerked from the dream with a loud snap followed by a gigantic splash. It took me a while to realise that... I had fallen overboard!
The harness had broken, almost causing my premature expiration.
My Captain swore that it had never happened before. (Yeah, great consolation that, isn't it?) He soothed, pleaded again and reassured, but that was the end of any further sailing aspirations for me.
I'm secretly glad that I had that little adventure, though. Not only is it great dinner conversation or blog fodder (ah, yes, I might be a mere novice blogger, but I'm already thinking like a veteran) but now I regard sailors with more than just a passing interest and a lot of respect. In fact, when they wolf-whistle (even if it's usually at other girls and not at me) I wolf-whistle right back!
That newfound respect is probably why, a short time after my near catastrophic catamaran incident, a television segment about sailing caught my eyes and ears.
The story followed the adventures of a young British sailor, Ellen Macarthur, a brave chick in her late twenties, in her solo efforts during the grueling, three month long Vendee Globe race, during which teams (or, as in Ellen's case, individuals) sail from France, down the Eastern Atlantic, around Antarctica, up the Western Atlantic and back across the Northern Atlantic to finish back in France.
Ellen's story was remarkable, not only because of her age (she was a mere 25 at the time!!!), but because she was a considerable novice competing against far more experienced, and predominately male, crews.
She was also the only one who tackled the journey by herself.
Ellen surprised everyone by surviving almost insurmountable obstacles (her mast cracked while she was at sea, amongst other things). She endured though and finished in second place. By the time she docked her boat, Kingfisher, back in France, she was a celebrity all across Europe.
At the end of the television segment, the reporter announced that Ellen was racing again, taking part in the EDS Atlantic Challenge. When I heard that one of her ports during the race was going to be Baltimore, I decided that I had to stalk meet her.
Sadly, I didn't, but I did get to see her boat, the Kingfisher and I spoke to one of her shore crewmembers, a jovial fellow from New Zealand who willingly shared inside information about Ellen, the Kingfisher, and racing in general.
The next morning, I was at the harbour to bid them good luck and bon voyage as they set out on the fourth leg of the race to Boston. Corny as it may sound, I was lucky to be in the presence of greatness.
Just before they set off, I asked a member of the crew what the nautical term for "Good Luck" is. He said he thought it was merely "Bon Voyage". I thought that was too boring, and pitched a few ideas at them. "How about putting a spin on the theatre saying, "Break a Leg" and changing it to "Break a Mast"?"
The looks on their faces quickly dismissed my idea. As they left the dock, it dawned on me and I yelled:
"Float your boat!"
Noting my enthusiasm at the encounter, my former Captain thought it meant that I still had some seaworthiness left in me. No such luck for him.
But instead of telling him where he could shove the mast, I sweetly commanded him to find someone else as an offering to Neptune.
Ahoy!
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Aww .... thanks for the plug, Red! Sorry I didn't get to thank everybody enough, but once I came back, suddenly my world turned UPSIDE DOWN, as you may be able to tell from my latest post. I did like your post a lot, though, once I finally got the chance to read it!
In the meantime, enjoy my picture with the Vagina Tree. I'll be pulling my hair out this weekend tending to TWO crippled parents.
BTW, e-mail me your address and I'll send you a present. :)
Aww .... thanks for the plug, Red! Sorry I didn't get to thank everybody enough, but once I came back, suddenly my world turned UPSIDE DOWN, as you may be able to tell from my latest post. I did like your post a lot, though, once I finally got the chance to read it!
In the meantime, enjoy my picture with the Vagina Tree. I'll be pulling my hair out this weekend tending to TWO crippled parents.
BTW, e-mail me your address and I'll send you a present. :)
Ok, I hope it's just your site and not me ... cuz commenting is suddenly a bitch here!
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July 05, 2004
EEEEEK!
I've learned a few things during this long weekend.
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During tonight's rehearsal, I made the upleasant discovery that a mouse has taken up residence in the threatre. I learned that threatre mice can get really aggressive and confident, especially if you happen to be the one standing between them and the confectionary counter.
I've also learned that I will NEVER WEAR SANDALS TO REHEARSAL EVER AGAIN.
Ever.
Eeeek!
I've also learned that when you happen to find yourself in a karaoke joint (by accident, of course) you should NEVER, EVER make eye-contact with the bad Elvis impersonator, or you might just find yourself being intimately (and badly) serenaded.
Whadda weekend.
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Finding yourself in a karaoke bar is quite like wreaking your car, if your smat, it only happens by accident.
best karaoke bar experience ever - condensed version - me and the missus with some complete strangers in Thailand who were members of this lesbian group we'd found on the internet (just friends, just friends) and wondering if we'd gotten ourselves into something stupid but then one of them gets up to sing ... "First I was aflaid, I was petlflied..."
oh yeah, and ICK about the mouse.
Hi there, first time commenter here.
Aggressive mice are the worst! Apartment mice can be aggressive too. I wish my apartment mice would get a little more, uh, passive and shy. Then maybe they'd stay behind the stove where I don't have to see them. And refrain from boldly running around the kitchen as if they owned the place. Which they practically do by now.
Insert frustrated, angry-at-own-inability-to-control-pests sigh here.
I also have had the bad mice experience as in being awakened at 3:00 a.m. with a mouse trying to come through the radiator screen in our NYC apartment. I caught him in some tupperware. Worse than that, though, was living three blocks from the Mississippi River in New Orleans: Rats. Big ones! In the garden.
I think the Elvis impersonator is far more offensive than the mouse. How did you get through that? Liquor? Lots and lots of liquor?
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July 03, 2004
The Ice Cream Man Cometh
After several years of living under the same roof, I've made a new discovery about the boy.
(Yes, I'm awfully quick and observant, aren't I?)
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We've (read: he's) been busily renovating the house, a streneous and impressively dangerous process involving lots of hammers, nails, drills, somewhat mysterious and lengthy expeditions to the Home Depot and clouds of dust.
I'm also getting hooked on rather used to being on a perpetual high from inhaling all the paint fumes.
So it's been a hotbed of activity around here. And we've come to learn a variety of things about life and each other.
For example, the boy has learned that I am extremely bossy and a real know-it-all-and-pain-in-the-arse an encyclopedia of helpful advice.
We have both learned that renovating a home is much more challenging than it appears to be on ABC's Extreme Home Makeover and other such shows where they have entire armies enlisted to finish the work during the commercial breaks so that you the viewer just see the sparkling end results with the new paint and the Sears furniture.
In real life, the process is much more unpleasant and messy and noisy and slow.
And, did I mention potentially dangerous? (Omit the word "potential" when you think about how I walk into ladders, trip over drills, stub my toes on hammers, and step on nails on a daily basis... I'm not going to write it, because I don't want you to know how clumsy I really am.)
The danger factor is never far from my mind when I see the drill bits come within mere inches from the boy's fingers as he deftly drills holes into the wall. It's so nerve-wracking I can't even watch him work anymore.
So imagine how my fragile heart nearly stopped one recent weekend afternoon when I heard a loud scream from the room he was working in.
"Sweeeeeeeeeeeeeeetie!" I flew up the stairs towards the sound. "Are you okay? What happened? Where are you?"
Silence (except for an ice cream truck idling on the street outside).
Then, a hideous groan and: "Oh, noooooo... "
By this time I'm virtually hysterical, as you can imagine, asking him over and over where he is and whether he is okay, anxious to find him and yet too scared at what I might encounter when I do.
Anyway, he finally emerged from inside the walk-in closet where he was busy putting up shelves and molding. "I'm not hurt, but... Please. Just. Make. It. Stoooooooop!"
"What?" I asked, still more than a little confused and keeping my eyes averted in case there is blood somewhere.
Finally, he pointed through the window towards the ice cream truck, a manic look in his eyes. "That. That thing is driving me NUTS! I hate those *&^%!@ things!"
At first I didn't realise what he meant. And then... I burst out laughing.
"Wait... You mean... You hate ICE CREAM TRUCKS?!?"
"Can't STAND them," he hissed through clenched teeth. "They come to neighbourhoods playing their AWFUL out of tune songs and pry on the innocent children."
(I SWEAR he said all of it. I'm absolutely NOT making any of it up!)
He was dead serious too. And the more I laughed, the less amused he became.
So now, whenver I want to annoy him, I start humming the drawn out and looped ice cream truck version of "The Entertainer."
I have to give it to the boy, the ice cream truck version of the tune is annoying, especially since it sounds as if it's coming from a worn out audio cassette. I doubt that Scott Joplin ever intended for one of his signature compositions to end up as a Baltimore neighbourhood ice cream truck tune solely used to entice the children to buy popsicles and soft serves and driving certain home owners completely bonkers in the process.
(Update: After the boy read this, he became worked up all over again and said: "No, but seriously, it's a complete invasion of privacy. Who does he think he is... " (I'm assuming he means the ice cream truck driver?) "Maybe he is selling drugs or something."
Yes, sweetie. I'm sure the parents of the "unsuspecting innocent children" are bound to agree with you when their children's sugar highs kick in after devouring their treats.)
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they drive me nuts too, not quite that badly... but the entertainer is a horrid horrid song played in that special tinny way.
Is boy a US citizen? If so, could be the answer to those pesky green card problems. Worked for me and my Norwegian wife.
Ya know, I'm annoyed by some pretty weird things, but ... wow.
***FLASHBACK TO MY CHILDHOOD***
Children playing, suddenly they hear the ice cream truck, which is the unwritten rule for "DROP EVERYTHING AND GO BUG MOM FOR MONEY."
I dash back to the house. "Mommy, mommy, mommy! I need money! I ... *gasp* ... need ... *gasp*... money ... *gasp* ... for ... *gasp* ... ICE CREAM!!"
Mother says, "But we have ice cream in the freezer."
"Oh, but IT'S NOT THE SAAAAAAAAAAME!!!"
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June 21, 2004
Unphotogenic
For this summer, I’ve kissed any possibility of ever having a social life goodbye when I was cast to be in a play and when I, in a fit of ongoing insanity, accepted the part.
Rehearsals began just this past weekend, so I have been lustily procrastinating (ignoring?) the idea of being in the spotlight - albeit a very tiny, very dim and at times even a flickering, spotlight – because well, for a girl who hardly leaves the house by day, it’s difficult to fathom such a concept without wanting to hurl and break into hives.
So imagine my unpleasant surprise when I was told at last night’s rehearsal that we were going to be photographed this evening!
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I kicked, I screamed, I lied (how do they know that there is no such thing as an allergy to all sorts of lenses, tripods and cameras? I could be the first and therefore as yet undiscovered case!), but to no avail, and after a sleepless night (nothing like a night of insomnia to enhance your look for pictures!) and a day in which I desperately tried to lose fifty pounds (now there’s an improbability!), I showed up to the theatre looking like a frazzled lamb being led to slaughter.
My cast mates, who are already impossibly beautiful, turned it even further up for the occasion and they were all slinky and sexy in little black numbers, healthy glows and cooperative, shiny hair.
Even the male lead, who also posed in a dress and make-up in a few shots, made a far sexier woman than I could ever be!
And as soon as I was awarded my costumes, I relinquished any further hopes of trying to look even remotely appealing.
I may have neglected to mention that my character is nine months pregnant. (So all ye mothers out there, I need tips, please: When with child, how does one walk (waddle?), hold one’s back, breathe, contract, and, how does one feel about the man who did this to one?)
So I knew that I wasn’t going to look all designer-like ala Gwyneth Paltrow when she was still digesting her Apple (couldn’t resist, sorry! And actually, she did kinda look like she had merely swallowed a whole apple when she was pregnant, ‘didn’t she?), but that didn’t stop me from secretly fantasizing…
What they ended up giving me to wear far exceeded even my worst nightmares, and I’ve had plenty of those, almost always involving floral printed muumuus. In fact, when I was handed my outfit, I actually started praying for a muumuu, that's how bad it is!
For, girls and boys, ladies and gents, what they gave me was… a pair of shorts. With floral print.
With my stubby white legs!
A plastic bag filled with something soft but lumpy and stuffed under my shirt turned into my belly for the occasion. I had to enlist all my female cast mates (three) and the assistant director, the costume designer AND her assistant, to um… knock me up convincingly. The process involved a lot of prodding and poking and punching of the bag to get the lumps out.
Considering that it was only the third day I had ever seen any of these people, I guess it served as a sufficient ice-breaker.
For the photo, they had me flat on a table and I’m making all sorts of “lovely” laborious faces with the male lead (who was his ever handsome self even in hospital scrubs) looking slightly faint. And I’m not convinced that he had to fake very much to get that expression!
And alas, after all that they STILL weren’t done with me. Our sadistic kind director decided that we had to have a wedding picture, which meant that my five “assistants” had to help me out of the pregnancy gear and then hoist me into a wedding gown and veil. I looked and felt very much like a very large cream puff, and I’m sure my resemblance to the pastry will be confirmed in the photographs.
Although I REALLY don’t want to know...
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If your portrayal in the play is half as funny as your description of your photo session, I'm sure you'll be a hit! Being a bit of a drama queen (I mean, theater buff) myself, and having "emoted" (read: "been cast as comic relief") once or twice as well, I am impressed with your effort to put as much realism as possible into your role. No part to small for the spotlight, however often it may flicker. ;)
so what's the play called? or have you mentioned it already?
being in a wedding dress can't be all that bad. imagine all the single girls who drool over bridal magazines, you will probably make them jealous. :) i definitely think we should get to see a shot of you with the belly.
Post some pics!!!!
As for tips on looking/acting pregnant - I guess it was sort of waddling when I walked. The best way to imitate it is to stand with your feet about shoulder width apart, lean back slightly (like you're trying to stick your tummy out more), and then slide your feet along the ground. Every so often, I'd reach back to rub my lower back or support it with one hand. And I rubbed my tummy a lot. I felt like I was cuddling my baby when I did that. I hope this helps!
And I don't know a lot about costumes in plays but if there's any way you can change your outfints, you can find inexpensive maternity wear from OldNavy.com and Target.com. The clothes are pretty cute and most importantly - its not floral!
ugh! taking pictures is not my thing either. but to be trussed up like that must be a nightmare.
i want to see pictures...
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June 19, 2004
Playbill
First rehearsal down... but plenty more to go and therefore ample opportunities for things to go awry.
Yes, indeed. My glass is not only always half-empty, but it's chipped as well. And Murphy (the one from Murphy's Law fame) is forever breathing down my neck, so I have every right to my (justified) paranoia.
But I've survived the first one! Yay! And more than that, I even had some good old-fashioned fun.
Now for the gossip.
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I showed up a few minutes late (thanks to an unexpected road repairs shut-down on the planned route) and so when I stumbled (told ya I'm graceful) into the dimly lit (and therefore almost flattering!) theatre lobby, temporarily blinded after the sunshine outside, I was even more nervous than before.
I hate, hate, HATE being the last one to arrive and having all eyes on me for even a second. (Why is it always easier to meet new people when one is first to arrive at the meeting point?)
Anyway, luckily I wasn't the last to arrive. Turns out almost everyone was subjected to the same road repairs and detours, so I was actually not the last cast member to show up.
The director was there. And his wife, who is going to stage manage us. And the assistant director. (Yes, this is quite an operation! Eeek! What have I... or rather, what have THEY let themselves in for by casting an amateur like me?!?) And I must say, they went all out to make us feel welcome and at ease.
Of course, though, all the other cast members (three other girls and a guy) seemed cool as cucumbers, while I was literally trembling in my boots.
Plus, to add further insult to my already fragile ego: they are all GORGEOUS looking creatures. Like, they should be on t.v. or something. (Ah, but some of them ARE! I was to find that out soon enough.) But more bitching information about that later.
We were measured for costumes (never a fun exercise, that) and then jumped right into the rehearsal process with a read-through.
And hello! Turns out that I'm the only amateur in the cast! And what's even worse is that all those beauties have the talent to back up their drama degrees!
Grrr... Okay, I'm just jealous. Truth is, I'm actually just grateful to be among them, and I plan on picking their brains and learning whatever I can from them.
They are all also really gracious to boot!
Don't you despise that? When beautiful and talented people who have no right to possess even have half a brain have, well, much more than half a brain? Because life's not supposed to give you heaps of everything! That's just downright MEAN to mere deprived mortals like me!
Anyway, good and fuzzy feelings abound right now because well, everyone is still being polite strangers to one another.
Since I'm of that rare breed of the Redheaded Species, the one who doesn't like to fight (yes, GASP!), I'm hoping that things will stay polite and friendly, even through two and a half months of frenzied rehearsals and nerve-wracking performances.
I have a surprising amount of high hopes mixed in with my healthy pessimism, 'eh?
P.S. It's a theatre-in-the-round, so blocking is going to be TOUGH.
P.P.S. You guys are probably hoping for a cat fight or two, because upon reading back through this I realised that the "gossip" I teased you with at the beginning of this entry is non-existing.
P.P.P.S. I will tell you more about my "famous" cast mates later on. Right now, time to prepare for round two coming up tomorrow.
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TV Actors?
Cool!
Who are they?
Wow! What a hook!
I think I'm permanently attached to this blog!
The suspense!
Sure, they may have the t.v. experience and talent to boot, but where are they at??? In a local show right there with "clumsy" you.
Obviously someone saw something in you that equates you to their "level," or they aren't all that good after all.
Flatter yourself! At least you are up there doing the show! Most of us would be content to envy you while sitting in the dark shadows of the audience.
I always found blocking in the round to be easier because you didn't have to follow the 'don't turn your back on the audience' rule (causing some truly unnatural movements). Since your back is always towards someone, you just move normally & pretend there's no audience at all...
I have never done theatre in the round but always wanted to, mostly since I love a challenge. Oooh, but I so know understand what you meant about hating to be late. I hateses it too, and so am always ridiculously early for things since I hate all eyes on me.
used to love doing theatre in high school... until one day my mom came to pick me up from a rehersal and the drama teacher/dictator told her i couldn't dance, couldn't sing, and my voice was far too nasal. ouch.
i think you are very lucky to get to do a play, and i hope you'll keep us updated!
That sounds pretty exciting! Just out of curiosity, how did you make it into the ensemble with all these "famous" people? Did you go through an audition process, or is this something that you've done in the past (so you had "connections")? :)
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June 18, 2004
The Play is the Thing
While you will all (hopefully) be kicking up your heels and relaxing this weekend, I will be kicking off intensive rehearsals for an annual summer theatrical event: The Baltimore/D.C. Playwright's Festival.
Aye, the girl is a drama queen wannabe thespian.
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I haven't even read the play yet, but I'm already so dreadfully nervous!
See, I neglected to mention that I suffer from the most severe stage fright.
Seriously, the physical and emotional breakdowns I experience before the curtain goes up (or even before the first rehearsals begin, as we're finding out tonight) probably make Barbra Streisand (a performer legendary for her stage fright) seem all cool, calm and collected before her concerts. (By the way, is she retired now? I can't keep track of everyone's "retirements," "final tour, really's!" and sudden, multiple comebacks.)
So why do I put myself through this misery?
Because I'm a masochist?
No, seriously. I do it, because always, after somehow managing to get on to the stage on my wobbly legs, the threatre gods seem to have mercy upon me and my imagination takes over to such an extent that I forget where I am (without forgetting my lines in the process, thank goodness!).
But please, don't take this as a sign that I'm even remotely good at this acting business, because I'm not. But I work hard, and time and experience and passion always seem to make it all okay in the end.
Passion being the key, of course.
Exit stage left.
Curtain.
Oh, and please don't tell me to break a leg, because I just might, "graceful" as I am!
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Oh, and please don't tell me to break a leg, because I just might, "graceful" as I am!
Damn! OK...I wish you well. :)
i think I need to hook you up with a friend in Baltimore who's also into the thespian thing...:-) Check out the Mr. L-K link on my blogroll
I've only done theater a handful of times, but I really enjoyed it.
I prefer the Ballet when performing. I adore dancing and, much like you, I would get terrible stage fright prior to stepping on stage. Somehow, I always managed to perform my dances without screwing up and making a fool of myself.
Man I miss those days!
ok, then merde - that's the ballet version of 'break a leg'.
Don't whistle in the theatre. (They used to use sailors for running the fly galleries - you might get a pipe dropped on your head).
No hats on beds (I don't know why)
Don't mention the name of the Scottish play (or if you do, you have to go outside, turn around 3 times and knock & ask permission to come back in).
I used to be in the biz myself - as an amateur actor and as a professional tech/stage manager. I miss it fiercely sometimes. However, I like the new income levels I have in the high tech world.
Just don't say "Hamlet". The other actors will kick your ass. Just sayin'
Thespian. Woah. Is that how you spell it? I thought is was spelled more like lesbian, with a "b." Hooked of Phonix worked for me! =)
No really, Good Luck! =)
I used to be in an impromptu skit group, in college. It was fun! There was always a huge rush right before going on stage!
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May 29, 2004
Self-tan Hoedown... A Summer's Tale Part I
In case you haven’t yet managed to derive it from this blog’s title, I’m a redhead.
But I’m not all peaches and cream and cuteness like fellow red Emily. Oooooh, no. Not me. Pasty, yes. Glow-in-the-dark white, yes. And not in that Nicole Kidman translucent way either, make no mistake. My pallor is more… well… corpse-like.
Attractive, ‘eh?
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But of course there is more (well, much more, actually. But that elephantine quality is not something we like to talk about. Just proceed and please ignore the enormous African mammal grazing in the corner.).
So apart from the freakish whiter-than-snow white complexion stemming from possessing no melanin, there are the other “accessories” you get when you are borne into this world a redhead. And especially when you happen to materialize under the harsh African sun.
There are the freckles (oh, and they are infinite. And PLEASE don’t tell me that they’re – and here she noticeably shudders - “cute.” I hardly glance at the sun and I freckle!), the invisible eyelashes and eyebrows (thank the heavens for mascara and brow liner) and the relentless teasing when you’re little. Yeah, and then people wonder why I’ve grown up to be so delightfully dysfunctional… There you go, Dr. Phil. My issues run as deep as my crimson roots.
When I was a child growing up on a farm in the South African bushveld, all I wanted to be was as black and brown as my African playmates. Ironic, that; especially when one considers the history of my country.
It was the eighties, and all I wanted was to not stand out so much. I mean, can you imagine being a flaming-haired Albino (not a good combination. There is a good reason why other, normal Albinos have white hair. It looks MUCH better!) in Africa when you’re a tender child, yearning to blend in and conform?
So I came up with what I thought to be a brilliant idea at the time. After realizing that no amount of rubbing and scrubbing and picking was going to ever rid me of my leopard spots, it occurred to me to… connect the dots.
With my amazingly absent logic I figured that I would scorch myself until I’d have so many freckles that they’d eventually merge and become One Big Freckle, leaving me with a reddish-brown but even TAN!
So I doused myself with my olive-skinned sister’s cocoa oil until I became a slick and shiny skin cancer invitation, and went outside to fry.
Oh, dear readers, need I even elaborate on the blistering results?
Let’s just say that after all the redness, swelling, blisters, pain and eventual peeling of the ruined layers of derma; I DID have more freckles than before. So I suppose in that regard, my painful little experiment worked.
But alas, although some of the new freckles did indeed overlap with a few of the old ones (ewww!), I still fell way short of the amount that it would’ve taken to create the almighty Giant Freckle.
And that’s when I gave up on sunlight, my speckled body scurrying back into the shade, forever banished from further direct contact with the sun. That’s how I turned into this pale reclusive nocturnal half-woman-half-beastly monster, only slipping out of my dungeon after sunset to roam the darkened streets with wailing cats and squealing rats.
And that’s also how it came to be that I finally resorted to Self-Tanning Lotion.
To Be Continued...
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Know what, Red? I think its time to post some pics, so you're loyal (and new) readers can judge for themselves...
Wot reckons the rest of ya's?
You know, the One Giant Freckle thing occurred to me too! And I pretty much did the same exact thing. OMG. I burned so bad that I peeled four times. And yeah, now the sun and I don't associate. We're not friends.
Listen dear friend AirMatix: You know full well what I look like, so HUSH! Oh, and you're by no means a "loyal" reader when I virtually force you to read this!
And Ms. Emily... you are a regular peach, my dear. But yes, it is quite hilarious that we both did that! Oy, to be a tortured redhead, hey?
I'm a freckly red head too. Does that self tan stuff work?
I think I got lucky. I was born a natural redhead but came with no freckles. The ones I do have now are in places that don't see sunlight ever!
Love the new blog! Congrats!
I don't think freckles are cute. I think they're fuckin sexy. But that's not the point of this here comment. No. What I wanted to tell you was to get yourself to a Sephora and get yourself some Urban Decay Skyscraper Mascara in Gotham. You will have eyelashes for miles!!
(Um. Cos my eyelashes are transluscent too--I forgot to say that up there. That happens when you smoke your lunch.)
self tanners look orange on me, so i gave up on them a long time ago. i grew to accept my pale freckled skin after a nasty sunburn that blistered horribly. now i wear sunscreen daily, so i don't have to hide from the sun.
but i'm whiter than everyone in the entire state of California. Well, except maybe skits and eve. I think we're tied for whitest L.A. resident, if there was such a prize.
I once met these two Irish guys who were visiting and they didn't believe me when I said I was born and raised in LA! They said i looked like I was from Dublin or something. Go figure.
Zinke: patience child. Wait for Part II of story.
Jennifer: you reckless freckless freak! With all due respect: I think I hate you. (Insert freckled smiley face to soften the blow.) Seriously, freckless in places that never see the light of day don't count, dearie.
Sarah: Thanks for "lasheous" tip. Miles, 'eh? Like long enough to do Cicada-swatting?
Lomara: I'm jealous of you living in the California, even with our whiteness. And embrace yer Irish roots, whether real or imagined. People think I own the Irish pub I frequent down in D.C., and there's a place in Adams Morgan (D.C.) that lets redheads drink for half-price!!!! Harrrrr!
I am a blonde who dyes her hair red. However, I too, am of the nuclear burning variety. I avoid the sun at all costs because after only a few hours I am burnt to a crisp, I feel the pain, I peel and I am just as white as I was before the whole ordeal. You aren't alone sister!
I'm with everyone else. I want to see just how white this skin you speak of really is. I am really enjoying your new blog, hope you don't mind if I add it to my own so that I can follow along with your writing.
Dude, you won't have to swat the cicadas. Your lashes will trap them in a lovely little cage of lash and set them free in their own natural habitat. It will be like Aeon Flux.
(Actually, the mascara does rock. But I was blessed with thick, long, curly lashes. They're just transparent; a cruel joke, I think.)
actually i'm not a complete redhead currently, merely a strawberry-blonde. i had auburn hair when i was a toddler which went strawberry as i got older. i dyed it red one year and boy was that FUN. not sure i will do it again anytime soon, though. and as far as embracing my Irish roots, i would LOVE to as soon as I get to Ireland. I've been to the UK several times and I love the fact that I blend in perfectly with the general population in London...
...until I open my mouth and my California accent falls out! D'oh!
Hee! Reading this made me laugh, and then cringe, because I went to the pool today, and my entire body is the same color as your blog! You'd think I'd learn by now, right?
im guessing you just don't tan.. you burn..
So many pasty-white people can relate to what you wrote. I'm not a redhead, but I'm a natural blond, so I have my share of the fair skin. My two sisters, lovers of the tanning bed, affectionately refer to me as "Casper" (as in, the Friendly Ghost). :)
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The longest night of the year.
Alas i did not sleep.
My desk makes a hard pillow.